%•< 

















- % A* *' 












S r 0^ ^*o/<^ 










A a 









^°- 



<*, *, 






%. > « ? 


















3 A, 



: \ 






' -*:Vv ■•», V ** s V *<-,.<&;< -*v ^ ■*., < 







V * 4 °- 







<. 



^ ^ 




/% 







^ 



fe.** 



1 Ws r # . ^ 











4 9* 




%>*<*«, -^ 



<%, *-<7o< ,*' 



£ °^ 




C\ 



%, 



A* 



^^ /^ifc \>^ 









c3 ^ 




MANNERS, CONDUCT, AND DRESS OF THE 
MOST REFINED AMERICAN 
SOCIETY, 



COMPRISING 



Ijorms off Jk$l\$v% %nnlin\xtxm t $iu 



ALSO, 



SUGGESTIONS ON HOME CULTURE AND TRAINING. 






Compiled from the LatejVReliable Authorities 

DETROIT, MICH.: 
F. B. DICKERSON & CO. 

1879. 






ir 



J3JIS52. 



^%^^^- 



o go through this life with good manners possessed, 
is to be kind to all, rich, poor and oppressed. 
For kindness and mercy are balms that will heal 
The sorrows, the pains, and the woes that we feel. 



COPYEIGHTED 
BY 

Freeman B. Dickerson. 



/ 



/^l^ 



REFACE 



HI ~$P one SUD J ec t ls °f more importance to people 
Hfal generally than a knowledge of the rules, us- 
' aft Krai a S es an( ^ ceremonies of good society, which 
are commonly expressed by the word " Eti- 
quette." Its necessity is felt wherever men and women 
associate together, whether in the city, village or coun- 
try town, at home or abroad. To acquire a thorough 
knowledge of these matters, and to put that knowledge 
into practice with perfect ease and self complacency, is 
what people call good-breeding. To display an ignor- 
ance of them, is to subject the offender to the oppro- 
brium of being ill-bred. 

In the compilation of this work, the object has 
been to present the usuages and rules which govern 
the most refined American society, and to impart 
information which will enable any one, in whatever 
circumstances of life, to acquire the perfect ease of a 
gentleman, or the gentle manners and graceful deport- 
ment of a well-bred lady, whose presence will be 
sought for, and who, by their graceful deportment, 
will learn the art of being at home in any good society. 
The work is so arranged, that every subject is con- 
veniently classified and subdivided. It is thus an easy 

(iii) 



iv PREFACE. 

matter to refer at once to any given subject. It has 
been the aim of the compiler to give minutely all 
points that are properly embraced in a work on eti- 
quette, even upon matters of seemingly trivial impor- 
tance. Upon some hitherto disputed points, those rules 
are given, which are sustained by the best authorities 
and endorsed by good sense. 

The publishers only claim, for this work, that it is 
a careful compilation from all the best authorities on 
the subject. As the work is not the authorship of 
any one individual, and as no one individual, what- 
ever may be his acquirements, could have the pre- 
sumption to dictate rules for the conduct of society in 
general, therefore, the publishers do not deem it a 
matter of importance to give the name of the com- 
piler. 



ONTENTS 



Chapter I. PAOE 

INTRODUCTORY. 13 

Chapter II. 

MANNERS. 

Good manners as an element of wordly success— Manner an index of 
character- The true gentleman— The true lady — Importance of 
tritles— Value of pleasing- manners— Personal appearance enhanced 
and fortunes made by pleasing manners — Politeness the outgrowth 
of good manners - 2(1 

Chapter III. 

INTRODUCTIONS. 

Acquaintances thus formed Promiscuous, informal and casual intro- 
ductions — Introduction of a gentleman to a lady and a lady to a 
gentleman- Introduction at a ball -The manner of introduction 
- Introducing relatives -Obligatory introductions- Salutations after 
introduction— Introducing one's-self- Letters of introduction— How 
they are to be delivered — Duty of a person to whom a letter of 
introduction is addressed — Letters of introduction for business 
purposes 31 

Chapter IV. 

SALUTATIONS. 

The salutation originally an act of worship — Its form in different 
nations— The bow, its proper mode -Words of salutation— Manner 
of bowing— Duties of the young to older people -How to avoid 
recognition •• Etiquette of handshaking — Kissing as a mode of 
salutation ■ The kiss of friendship -The kiss of respect - 43 



vi CONTENTS. 

Chapter V. 

ETIQUETTE OF CALLS. page 

Morning calls — Evening calls — Rules for formal calls - Calls at summer 
resorts— Reception days- Calls made by cards -Returning the first 
call— Calls after a betrothal takes place— Forming new acquaint- 
ances by calls — The first call, by whom to be made — Calls of 
congratulation — Visits ol condolence- Keeping an account of calls 
—Evening visits -"Engaged" or "not at home" to callers -General 
rules relative to calls— New-Year's calls 53 

Chapter VI. 

ETIQUETTE OF VISITING. 

General invitations not to be accepted- The limit of a prolonged visit 
—Duties of a visitor— Duties of the host or hostess— True hospital- 
ity — Leave-taking — Invitations to guests — Forbearance with 
children - Guests making presents -Treatment of a host's friends 70 

Chapter VII. 

ETIQUETTE OF CARDS. 

Visiting and calling cards — Their size and style — Wedding cards — 
Leaving cards in calling— Cards for mother and daughter Cards 
not to be sent in envelopes to return formal calls—Glazed cards 
not in fashion— P. P. C. cards -Cards of congratulation— When sent 
—Leave Cards in making first calls of the season and after invi- 
tations—Cards of condolence— Bridegroom's card 7G 

Chapter VIII. 

CONVERSATION. 

Character revealed by conversation— Importance of conversing well- 
Children should be trained to talk well -Cultivation of the mem- 
ory—Importance of remembering names — How Henry Clay ac- 
quired this habit — Listening — Writing down one's thoughts — 
Requisites for a good talker —Vulgarisms— Flippancy— Sympathizing 
with another — Bestowing compliments — Slang— Flattery — Scandal 
and gossip -Satire and ridicule —Religion and politics to be avoided 
— Bestowing of titles — Interrupting another while talking— Adapt- 
ability in conversation— Correct use of words— Speaking one's mind 
— Profanity — Display of knowledge— Double entendres -Impertinent 
questions— Things to be avoided in conversation— Hobbies— Fault- 
finding— Disputes ...''-., 8a 



CONTENTS. vii 

Chapter IX. 

DINNER PARTIES. page 

Dinners are entertainments for married people— Whom to invite — 
Forms of invitations — Punctuality required — The success of a 
dinner party — Table appointments— Proper size of a dinner party 

— Arrangement of guests at table — Serving dinner a la Russe — 
Duties of servants— Serving the dishes — General rules regarding 
dinner— Waiting on others— Monopolizing conversation— Duties of 
hostess and host— Retiring from the table— Calls required after a 
dinner party Returning hospitalities— Expensive dinners not the 
most-enjoyable— Wines at dinners 105 

Chapter X. 

TABLE ETIQUETTE. 

Importance of acquiring good habits at the table— Table appointments 
for breakfast, luncheon and dinner— Use of the knife and fork— 
Of the napkin— Avoid fast eating and all appearance of greediness 
—General rules on the subject 121 

Chapter XI". 

RECEPTIONS, PARTIES AND BALLS. 

Morning receptions— The dress and refreshments for them— Invitations 
— Musical matinees— Parties in the country— Five o'clock teas and 
kettle-drums — Requisites for a successful ball— Introductions at a 
ball— Receiving guests— The number to invite— Duties of the guests 

— General rules to be observed at balls — Some suggestions for 
gentlemen — Duties of an escort — Preparations for a ball — The 
supper— An after-call required 127 



Chapter XII. 

STREET ETIQUETTE. 

The street manners of a lady— Forming street acquaintances— Recog- 
nizing friends in the street— Saluting a lady— Passing through a 
crowd— The first to bow— Do not lack politeness— How a lady and 
gentleman should walk together- When to offer a lady the arm- 
Going up and down stairs — Smoking in the streets — Carrying 
packages— Meeting a lady acquaintance— Corner loafers— Shouting 
in the street— Shopping etiquette— For public conveyances— Cutting 
acquaintances— General suggestions - 143 



viii CONTENTS. 

Chapter XIII. 

ETIQUETTE OF PUBLIC PLACES. page 

Conduct in church — Invitations to opera, theatres and concerts — 
Conduct in public assemblages — Remain until the performance 
closes— Conduct in picture galleries — Behavior at charity fairs— 
Conduct at an artist's studio - - - ' - - - - - - 155 

Chapter XIV. 

TRAVELING ETIQUETTE. 

Courtesies shown to ladies traveling alone— Duties of an escort— Duties 
of a lady to her escort— Ladies should assist other ladies traveling 
alone— The seats to be occupied in a railway car— Discretion to be 
used in forming acquaintances in traveling - 165 

Chapter XV. 

RIDING AND DRIVING. 

Learning to ride on horseback— The gentleman's duty as an escort in 
riding — How to assist a lady to mount— Riding with ladies- 
Assisting a lady to alight from a horse— Driving— The seat ot 
honor in a carriage— Trusting the driver 172 

Chapter XVI. 

COURTSHIP. 

Proper conduct of gentlemen and ladies towards each other — Pre- 
mature declaration of love— Love at first sight— Proper manner of 
courtship— Parents should exercise authority over daughters— An 
acceptable suitor— Requirements for a happy marriage— Proposals 
of marriage— A gentleman should not press an unwelcome suit— A 
lady's refusal— A doubtful answer— Unladylike conduct toward a 
suitor— The rejected suitor— Asking consent of parents— Presents 
after engagement— Conduct and relations of the engaged couple — 
Lovers' quarrels— Breaking an engagement ... - 177 

Chapter XVII. 

WEDDING ETIQUETTE. 

Choice of bridemaids and groomsmen or ushers— The bridal costume 
—Costumes of bridegroom and ushers— Presents of the bride and 
bridegroom— Ceremonials at church when there are no bridemaids 
or ushers— Invitations to the ceremony alone — The latest ceremon- 



CONTENTS. ix 

PAGE 

ials —Weddings at home — The evening wedding — " At home" 
receptions— Calls— The wedding ring- Marriage ceremonials of a 
widow— Form of invitations to a reception — Duties of invited 
guests— Of bridemaids and ushers — Bridal presents — Master of 
ceremonies— Wedding fees— Congratulations— The bridal tour - 193 

Chapter XVIII. 

HOME LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

Home the woman's kingdom — Home companionship — Conduct of 
husband and wife— Duties of the wife to her husband— The wife a 
helpmate— The husband's duties 206 

Chapter XIX. 

HOME TRAINING. 

First lessons learned at home— Parents should set good examples to 
their children— Courtesies in the home circle— Early moral training 
of children— The formation of their habits— Politeness at home- 
Train children for some occupation— Bad temper— Selfishness — 
Home maxims -- 214 

Chapter XX. 

HOME CULTURE. 

Cultivate moral courage — The pernicious influence of indolence- 
Self respect— Results of good breeding at home— Fault-finding and 
grumbling— Family jars not to be made public— Conflicting inter- 
ests—Religious education— Obedience— Influence of example— The 
influence of books - ----223 

Chapter XXI. 

WOMAN'S HIGHER EDUCATION. 

Its importance— Train young women to some occupation— Education 
of girls too superficial— An education appropriate to each sex — 
Knowledge of the laws of health needed by women— Idleness the 
source of all misery— A spirit of independence— Health and life 
dependent upon a higher culture— Cultivation of the moral sense 231 

Chapter XXII. 

THE LETTER WRITER. 
Letter writing as an indication of good breeding— Requirements for 



CONTENTS. 

PAGE 

correct writing— Anonymous letters— Note paper to be used— Forms 
of letters and notes — Forms of addressing notes and letters— Forms 
of signature— Letters of introduction— When to be given— Notes of 
invitation and replies thereto— Acceptances and regrets— Formal 
Invitations must be answered— Letters of friendship— Love letters 
—Business letters and correspondence— Form of letter requesting 
employment— Regarding the character of a servant —Forms tor 
notes, drafts, bills and receipts 240 



Chapter XXIII. 

GENERAL RULES TO GOVERN CONDUCT. 

Attention to the young in society— Gracefulness of carriage— Attitude, 
coughing, sneezing, etc.— Anecdotes, puns, etc. — A sweet and pure 
breath— Smoking— A good listener— Give precedence to others— Be 
moderate in speaking— Singing and playing in society— Receiving 
and making presents— Governing our moods— A lady driving with 
a gentleman — An invitation cannot be recalled— Avoid talking of 
personalities— Shun gossip and tale bearing— Removing the hat- 
Intruding on privacy— Politeness— Adapting yourself to others- 
Contradicting— A woman's good name — Expressing unfavorable 
opinions —Vulgarities — Miscellaneous rules governing conduct 
—Washington's maxims - 258 

Chapter XXIV. 

ANNIVERSARY WEDDINGS. 

How and when they are celebrated — The paper, cotton and leather 
weddings— The wooden wedding— The tin wedding— The crystal 
wedding— The silver wedding— The golden wedding — The diamond 
wedding— Presents at anniversary weddings -Forms of invitations, 
etc. - - - 277 

Chapter XXV. 

BIRTHS AND CHRISTENINGS. 

Naming the child— The christening— Godparents or Sponsors— Presents 
from godparents— The ceremony— The breakfast -Christening gifts 
The hero of the day— Fees - 283 

Chapter XXVI. 

FUNERALS. 

Death notices and funeral invitations— Arrangements for the funeral 



CONTENTS. xi 

PAGE 

—The house of mourning— Conducting the funeral services— The 
pall bearers— Order of the procession— Floral and other decorations 
—Calls upon the bereaved family— Seclusion of the family - 288 



Chapter XXVII. 

ETIQUETTE AT WASHINGTON. 

Social duties required of the President and his family— Receptions at 
the White House — Order of official rank — Duties required of 
members of the cabinet and their families— How to address officials 
-The first to visit - - - 295 



Chapter XXVIII. 

ETIQUETTE OF FOREIGN COURTS. 

Foreign titles— Royalty— The nobility— The gentry— Esquires— Imperial 
rank— European titles— Presentation at the court of St. James— 
Those eligible and ineligible for presentation — Preliminaries- 
Presentation costumes 301 

Chapter XXIX. 

BUSINESS. 

The example of a merchant prince— Keep your temper— Honesty the 
best policy— Form good habits— Breaking an appointment— Prompt 
payment of bills, notes and drafts— General suggestions - - - 308 

Chapter XXX. 

DRESS. 

Requirements for dressing well*— Perils of the love of dress to weak 
minds— Consistency in dress— Extravagance— Indifference to dress 
—Appropriate dress— The wearing of gloves— Evening or full dress 
for gentlemen— Morning dress for gentlemen — Evening or full 
dress for ladies— Ball dress— The full dinner dress— For receiving 
and making morning calls- Morning dress for street — Carriage 
dress -Promenade dress and walking suit— Opera dress —The riding 
dress— For women of business— Ordinary evening dress — For a 
social party— Dress for the theatre, lecture and concert— Archery, 
croquet and skating costumes— Bathing dress— For traveling— The 
bridal costume— Dress of bridemaids — At wedding receptions — 
Mourning dress— How long mourning should be worn - - - 313 



xii CONTENTS. 

Chapter XXXI. 

COLORS AND THEIR HARMONY IN DRESS. page 

The proper arrangement of colors— The colors adapted to different 
persons— Material for dress— Size in relation to color and dress— A 
list of colors that harmonize 334 

Chapter XXXII. 

THE TOILET. 

Importance of neatness and cleanliness— Perfumes— The bath— The 
teeth and their care— The skin— The eyes, eyelashes and brows— 
The hair and beard— The hands and feet 344 

Chapter XXXIII. 

TOILET RECIPES. 

To remove freckles, pimples and sunburn— To beautify the complexion 
— To prevent the hair falling out— Pomades and hair oils— Sea 
foam or dry shampoo— To prevent hair turning gray— To soften 
the skin— To cleanse the teeth— Remedy for chapped hands— For 
corns and chilblains, etc. 365 

Chapter XXXIV. 

SPORTS, GAMES AND AMUSEMENTS.' 

Archery and its practice— Lawn tennis— Boating— Picnics — Private 
Theatricals— Card playing 390 

Chapter XXXV. 

LANGUAGE OF FLOWERS AND PRECIOUS STONES. - - 401 

Chapter XXXVI. 

PRECIOUS STONES. 413 




CHAPTER I. 

KNOWLEDGE of etiquette has been defined 
to be a knowledge of the rules of society at 
its best. These rules have been the outgrowth 
of centuries of civilization, had their founda- 
tion in friendship and love of man for his fellow man — 
the vital principles of Christianity — and are most pow- 
erful agents for promoting peace, harmony and good 
will among all people who are enjoying the blessings 
of more advanced civilized government. In all civil- 
ized countries the influence of the best society is of 
great importance to the welfare and prosperity of the 
nation, but in no country is the good influence of the 
most refined society more powerfully felt than in our 
own, "the land of the future, where mankind may 
plant, essay, and resolve all social problems." These 
rules make social intercourse more agreeable, and 
facilitate hospitalities, when all members of society 
hold them as binding rules and faithfully regard 
their observance. They are to society what our laws 
are to the people as a political body, and to disregard 
them will give rise to constant misunderstandings, 
2 Q31 



14 INTRODUCTORY. 

engender ill will, and beget bad morals and bad 
manners. 

Says an eminent English writer : " On manners, 
refinement, rules of good breeding, and even the forms 
of etiquette, we are forever talking, judging our neigh- 
bors severely by the breach of traditionary and un- 
written laws, and choosing our society and even our 
friends by the touchstone of courtesy." The Marchi- 
oness de Lambert expressed opinions which will be 
endorsed by the best bred people everywhere when 
she wrote to her son : " Nothing is more shameful 
than a voluntary rudeness. Men have found it neces- 
sary as well as agreeable to unite for the common 
good ; they have made laws to restrain the wicked ; 
they have agreed among themselves as to the duties 
of society, and have annexed an honorable character 
to the practice of those duties. He is the honest man 
that observes them with the most exactness and the 
instances of them multiply in proportion to the degree 
of nicety of a person's honor." 

Originally a gentleman was defined to be one, who 
without any title of nobility, wears a coat of arms. 
And the descendants of many of the early colonists 
preserve with much pride and care the old armorial 
bearings which their ancestors brought with them from 
their homes in the mother country. Although des- 
pising titles and ignoring the rights of kings, they 
still clang to the " grand old name of gentleman." 
But race is no longer the only requisite for a gentle- 
man, nor will race united with learning and wealth 



INTRODUCTORY. 15 

make a man a gentleman, unless there are present 
the kind and gentle qualities of the heart, which find 
expression in the principles of the Golden Rule. Nor 
will race, education and wealth combined make a 
woman a true lady if she shows a want of refinement 
and consideration of the feelings of others. 

Good manners are only acquired by education 
and observation, followed up by habitual practice at 
home and in society, and good manners reveal to us 
the lady and the gentleman. He who does not 
possess them, though he bear the highest title of 
-nobility cannot expect to be called a gentleman; nor 
can a woman, without good manners, aspire to be 
considered a lady by ladies. Manners and morals 
are indissolubly allied, and no society can be good 
where they are bad. It is the duty of American 
women to exercise their influence to form so high a 
standard of morals and manners that the tendency 
of society will be continually upwards, seeking to 
make it the best society of any nation. 

As culture is the first requirement of good society, 
so self improvement should be the aim of each and 
all of its members. Manners will improve with the 
cultivation of the mind, until the pleasure and har- 
mony of social intercourse are no longer marred by 
the introduction of discordant elements, and they 
only will be excluded from the best society whose 
lack of education and whose rude manners will 
totally unfit them for its enjoyments and appreciation. 
Good manners are even more essential to harmony in 



16 INTRODUCTORY. 

society than a good education, and may be consi- 
dered as valuable an acquisition as knowledge in any 
form. 

The principles of the Golden Rule, "whatsoever 
ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so 
to them," is the basis of all true politeness, — principles 
which teach us to forget ourselves, to be kind to our 
neighbors, and to be civil even to our enemies. The 
appearance of so being and doing is what society de- 
mands as good manners, and the man or woman 
trained to this mode of life is regarded as well bred. 
The people, thus trained, are easy to get along with, 
for they are as quick to make an apology when they 
have been at fault, as they are to accept one when 
it is made " The noble-hearted only understand 
the noble-hearted." 

In a society where the majority are rude from 
the thoughtlessness of ignorance, or remiss from the 
insolence of bad breeding, the iron rule, u Do unto 
others, as they do unto you," is oftener put in prac- 
tice than the golden one. The savages know nothing 
of the virtues of forgiveness, and regard those who 
are not revengeful as wanting in spirit ; so the ill- 
bred do not understand undeserved civilities exten- 
ded to promote the general interests of society, and 
to carry out the injunction of the Scriptures to strive 
after the things that make for peace. 

Society is divided into sets, according to their 
breeding. One set may be said to have no breeding 
at all, another to have a little, another more, and 



INTRODUCTORY. 17 

another enough ; and between the first and last of 
these, there are more shades than in the rainbow. 
Good manners are the same in essence everywhere, — 
at courts, in fashionable society, in literary circles, in 
domestic life, — they never change, but social obser- 
vances, customs and points of etiquette, vary with 
the age and with the people. 

A French writer has said : " To be truly polite, 
it is necessary to be, at the same time, good, just and 
generous. True politeness is the outward visible sign 
of those inward spiritual graces called modesty, un- 
selfishness and generosity. The manners of a gentle- 
man are the index of his soul. His speech is inno- 
cent, because his life is pure ; his thoughts are right, 
because his actions are upright; his bearing is gentle, 
because his feelings, his impulses, and his training 
are gentle also. A gentleman is entirely free from 
every kind of pretence. He avoids homage, instead 
of exacting it. Mere ceremonies have no attraction 
for him. He seeks not to say any civil things, but 
to do them. His hospitality, though hearty and sin- 
cere, will be strictly regulated by his means. His 
friends will be chosen for their good qualities and 
good manners ; his servants for their truthfulness and 
honesty ; his occupations for their usefulness, their 
gracefulness or their elevating tendencies, whether 
moral, mental or political." 

In the same general tone does Ruskin describe a 
gentleman when he says : " A gentleman's first char- 
acteristic is that fineness of structure in the body 



18 INTRODUCTORY. 

which renders it capable of the most delicate sensa- 
tion, and of that structure in the mind which renders 
it capable of the most delicate sympathies — one may- 
say, simply, ' fineness of nature.' This is, of course, 
compatible with heroic bodily strength and mental 
firmness ; in fact, heroic strength is not conceivable 
without such delicacy. Elephantine strength may 
drive its way through a forest and feel no touch of 
the boughs, but the white skin of Homer's Atrides 
would have felt a bent rose-leaf, yet subdue its feel- 
ings in the glow of battle and behave itself like iron. 
I do not mean to call an elephant a vulgar animal ; 
but if you think about him carefully, you will find 
that his non-vulgarity consists in such gentleness as 
is possible to elephantine nature — not in his insensi- 
tive hide nor in his clumsy foot, but in the way he 
will lift his foot if a child lies in his way, and in his 
sensitive trunk and still more sensitive mind and 
capability of pique on points of honor. Hence it 
will follow that one of the probable signs of high 
breeding in men generally will be their kindness and 
mercifulness, these always indicating more or less 
firmness of make in the mind." 

Can any one fancy what our society might be, if 
all its members were perfect gentlemen and true 
ladies, if all the inhabitants of the earth were kind- 
hearted ; if, instead of. contending with the faults of 
our fellows we were each to wage war against our 
own faults? Every one needs to guard constantly 
against the evil from within as well as from without, 



INTRODUCTORY, 19 

for as has been truly said, "a man's greatest foe 
dwells in his own heart." 

A recent English writer says : " Etiquette may be 
defined as the minor morality of life. No observan- 
ces however minute, that tend to spare the feelings 
of others, can be classed under the head of trivialties ; 
and politeness, which is but another name for general 
amiability, will o 41 the creaking wheels of life more 
effectually than any of those unguents supplied by 
mere wealth and station." While the social observan- 
ces, customs and rules which have grown up are 
numerous, and some perhaps considered trivial, they 
are all grounded upon principles of kindness to one 
another, and spring from the impulses of a good 
heart and friendly feelings. The truly polite man 
acts from the highest and noblest ideas of what is 
right 

Lord Chesterfield declared good breeding to be 
" the result of much good sense, some good nature 
and a little self denial for the sake of others, and 
with a view to obtain the same indulgence from 
them." Again he says : " Good sense and good nature 
suggest civility in general, but in good breeding there 
are a thousand little delicacies which are established 
only by custom." 



CHAPTER II. 

(fit OT^ one ^i ua ^y °^ * ne mm d and heart is more 
rafial important as an element conducive to worldly 
flSlffi success than civility — that feeling of kindness 
and love for our fellow-beings which is ex- 
pressed in pleasing manners. Yet how many of our 
young men, with an affected contempt for the forms 
and conventionalities of life, assume to despise those 
delicate attentions, that exquisite tenderness of thought 
and manner that mark the true gentleman. 

Manners as an Element of Success. 

History repeats, over and over again, examples 
showing that it is the bearing of a man toward his 
fellows which, more than any other one quality of his 
nature, promotes or retards his advancement in life. 
The success or failure of one's plans have often 
turned upon the address and manner of the man* 
Though there are a few people who can look beyond 
the rough husk or shell of a fellow-being to the 
finer qualities hidden within, yet the vast majority, 
not so keen-visaged nor tolerant, judge a person by 

(20) 



OUR MANNERS. 21 

his appearance and demeanor, more than by his sub- 
stantial character. Experience of every day life 
teaches us, if we would but learn, that civility is not 
only one of the essentials of high success, but that it 
is almost a fortune of itself, and that he who has 
this quality in perfection, though a blockhead, is 
almost sure to succeed where, without it, even men 
of good ability fail. 

A good manner is the best letter of recommenda- 
tion among strangers. Civility, refinement and gentle- 
ness are passports to hearts and homes, while awk- 
wardness, coarseness and gruffness, are met with 
locked doors and closed hearts. Emerson says: 
" Give a boy address and accomplishments, and you 
give him the mastery of palaces and fortunes where- 
ever he goes ; he has not the trouble of earning or 
owning them ; they solicit him to enter and possess. 

In every class of life, in all professions and occu- 
pations, good manners are necessary to success. The 
business man has no stock-in-trade that pays him 
better than a good address. If the retail dealer wears 
his hat on his head in the presence of ladies who 
come to buy of him, if he does not see that the 
heavy door of his shop is opened and closed for 
them, if he seats himself in their presence, if he 
smokes a pipe or cigar, or has a chew of tobacco in 
his mouth, while talking with them, or is guilty of 
any of the small invicilities of life, they will not be 
apt to make his shop a rendezvous, no matter how 
attractive the goods he displays. 



22 OUR MANNEBS. 

A telling preacher in his opening remarks gains 
the good will of his hearers, and makes them feel both 
that he has something to say, and that he can say 
it, by his manner. The successful medical man in- 
spires in his patients belief in his sympathy, and 
confidence in his skill, by his manner. The lawyer, 
in pleading a case before a jury, and remembering 
that the passions and prejudices of the jurymen 
govern them to as great an extent as pure reason, 
must not be forgetful of his manner, if he would 
bring them to his own way of thinking. And how 
often does the motto, " Manners make the man," 
govern both parties in matters of courtship, the lady 
giving preference to him whose manners indicate a 
true nobility of the soul, and the gentleman preferring 
her who displays in her manner a gentleness of 
spirit. 

Manner an Index of Character. 

A rude person, though well meaning, is avoided 
by all. Manners, in fact, are minor morals ; and a 
rude person is often assumed to be a bad person. 
The manner in which a person says or does a thing, 
furnishes a better index of his character, than what 
he does or says, for it is by the incidental expression 
given to his thoughts and feelings, by his looks, tones 
and gestures, rather than by his words and deeds, 
that we prefer to judge him, for the reason that the 
former are involuntary. The manner in which a 
favor is granted or a kindness done, often affects us 



OUR MANNERS. 23 

more than the deed itself. The deed may have been 
prompted by vanity, pride, or some selfish motive or 
interest; the warmth or coldness with which the 
person who has done it, speaks to you, or grasps 
your hand, is less likely to deceive. The manner of 
doing any thing, it has been truly said, is that which 
stamps its life and character on any action. A favor 
may be performed so grudgingly, as to prevent any 
feeling of obligation, or it may be refused so courte- 
ously as to awaken more kindly feelings than if it 
had been ungraciously granted. 

The True Gentleman. 

Politeness is benevolence in small things. A true 
gentleman must regard the rights and feelings of 
others, even in matters the most trivial. He respects 
the individuality of others, just as he wishes others 
to respect his own. In society he is quiet, easy, un- 
obtrusive, putting on no airs, nor hinting by word or 
manner that he deems himself better, or wiser, or 
richer than any one about him. He never boasts of 
his achievements, or fishes for compliments by affect- 
ing to underrate what he has done. He is distin- 
guished, above all things, by his deep insight and 
sympathy, his quick perception of, and prompt atten- 
tion to, those small and apparently insignificant 
things, that may cause pleasure or pain to others. 
In giving his opinions he does not dogmatize ; he 
listens patiently and respectfully to other men, and. 
if compelled to dissent from their opinions, acknow- 



24 OUR MANNERS. 

ledges his fallibility and asserts his own views in 
such a manner, as to command the respect of all 
who hear him. Frankness and cordiality mark all 
his intercourse with his fellows, and, however high 
his station, the humblest man feels instantly at ease 
in his presence. 

The True Lady. 

Calvert says : " Ladyhood is an emanation from 
the heart subtilized by culture ; " giving as two requi- 
sites for the highest breeding transmitted qualities 
and the culture of good training. He continues: 
" Of the higher type of ladyhood may always be said 
what Steele said of Lady Elizabeth Hastings, 'that 
unaffected freedom and conscious innocence gave her 
the attendance of the graces in all her actions.' At 
its highest, ladyhood implies a spirituality made 
manifest in poetic grace. From the lady there 
exhales a subtle magnetism. Unconsciously she 
encircles herself with an atmosphere of unruffled 
strength, which, to those who come into it, gives 
confidence and repose. Within her influence the 
diffident grow self-possessed, the impudent are 
checked, the inconsiderate are admonished; even the 
rude are constrained to be mannerly, and the refined 
are perfected; all spelled, unawares, by the flexible 
dignity, the commanding gentleness, the thorough 
womanliness of her' look, speech and demeanor. A 
sway is this, purely spiritual. Every sway, every 
legitimate, every enduring sway is spiritual; a reg- 



OUR MANNERS. 25 

nanc}^ of light over obscurity, of right over brutality. 
The only real gains ever made are spiritual gains, — 
a further subjection of the gross to the incorporeal, of 
body to soul, of the animal to the human. The 
finest, the most characteristic acts of a lady involve 
a spiritual ascension, a growing out of herself. In her 
being and bearing, patience, generosity, benignity are 
the graces that give shape to the virtues of truthful- 
ness." 

Here is the test of true ladyhood. Whenever the 
young find themselves in the company of those who 
do not make themselves feel at ease, they should 
know that they are not in the society of true ladies 
and true gentlemen, but of pretenders ; that well-bred 
men and women can only feel at home in the 
society of the well-bred. 

The Importance of Triples. 

Some people are wont to depreciate these kind and 
tender qualities as trifles; but trifles, it must be 
remembered, make up the aggregate of human life. 
The petty incivilities, slight rudenesses and neglects 
of which men are guilty, without thought, or from 
lack of foresight or sympathy, are often remembered, 
while the great acts performed by the same persons 
are forgotten. There is no society where smiles, 
pleasant looks and animal spirits are not welcomed 
and deemed of more importance than sallies of wit 
or refinements of understanding. The little civilities, 
which form the small change of life may appear 



26 OUR MANNERS. 

separately of little moment, but, like the spare 
pennies which amount to such large fortunes, in a life- 
time, they owe their importance to repetition and 
accumulation. 

Value of Pleasing Manners. 

The man who succeeds in any calling of life is 
almost invariably he who has shown a willingness to 
please and to be pleased, who has responded heartily 
to the advances of others, through nature and habit, 
while his rival has sniffed and frowned and snubbed 
away every helping hand. " The charming manners 
of the Duke of Marlborough," it is said, " often 
changed an enemy to a friend, and to be denied a 
favor by him was more pleasing than to receive one 
from another. It was these personal graces that 
made him both rich and great. His address was so 
exquisitely fascinating as to dissolve fierce jealousies 
and animosities, lull suspicion and beguile the sub- 
tlest diplomacy of its arts. His fascinating smile and 
winning tongue, equally with his sharp sword, swayed 
the destinies of empires." The gracious manners of 
Charles James Fox preserved him from personal 
dislike, even when he had gambled away his last 
shilling, and politically was the most unpopular man 
in England. 

Manners and Personal Appearance. 

A charming manner not only enhances personal 
beauty, but even hides ugliness and makes plainness 



OUB MANNERS. 27 

agreeable. An ill-favored countenance is not neces- 
sarily a stumbling block, at the outset, to its owner* 
which cannot be surmounted, for who does not know 
how much a happy manner often does to neutralize 
the ill effects of forbidding looks ? The fascination of 
the demagogue Wilkes's manner triumphed over both 
physical and moral deformity, rendering even his 
ugliness agreeable ; and he boasted to Lord Townsend, 
one of the handsomest men in Great Britain, that 
" with half an hour's start he would get ahead of his 
lordship in the affections of any woman in the king- 
dom." The ugliest Frenchman, perhaps, that ever 
lived was Mirabeau; yet such was the witchery of 
his manner, that the belt of no gay Lothario was 
hung with a greater number of bleeding female hearts 
than this " thunderer of the tribune," whose looks 
were so hideous that he was compared to a tiger 
pitted with the small-pox. 

Fortunes Made by Pleasing Manners. 

Pleasing manners have made the fortunes of men 
in all professions and in every walk of life, — of 
lawyers, doctors, clergymen, merchants, clerks and 
mechanics, — and instances of this are so numerous 
that they may be recalled by almost every person. 
The politician who has the advantage of a courteous, 
graceful and pleasing manner finds himself an easy 
winner }n the race with rival candidates, for every 
voter with whom he speaks becomes instantly his 
Mend. Civility is to a man what beauty is to 



28 OUR MANNERS. 

a woman. It creates an instantaneous impression 
in his behalf, while gruffness or coarseness excites 
as quick a prejudice against him. It is an orna- 
ment, worth more as a means of winning favor 
than the finest clothes and jewels ever worn. Lord 
Chesterfield said the art of pleasing is, in truth, the 
art of rising, of distinguishing one's self, of making a 
figure and a fortune in the world. Some years ago a 
dry-goods salesman in a London shop had acquired 
such a reputation for courtesy and exhaustless patience, 
that it was said to be impossible to provoke from 
him any expression of irratibility, or the smallest 
symptom of vexation. A lady of rank learning of 
his wonderful equanimity, determined to put it to 
the test by all the annoyances with which a veteran 
shop-visitor knows how to tease a shopman. She 
failed in her attempt to vex or irritate him, and 
thereupon set him up in business. He rose to 
eminence in trade, and the main spring of his later, 
as of his earlier career was politeness. Hundreds of 
men, like this salesman, have owed their start in life 
wholly to their pleasing address and manners. 

Cultivation of Good Manners. 

The cultivation of pleasing, affable manners should 
be an important part of the education of every person 
of whatever calling or station in life. Many people 
think that if they have only the substance, the form 
is of little consequence. But manners are a com- 
pound of spirit and form — spirit acted into form. 



OUR MANNERS. 29 

The first law of good manners, which epitomizes all 
the rest is, " thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself." 
True courtesy is simply the application of this golden 
rule to all our social conduct, or as it has been 
happily denned " real kindness, kindly expressed." 
It may be met in the hut of the Arab, in the court- 
yard of the Turk, in the hovel of the freedman, and 
the cottage of the Irishman. Even Christian men 
sometimes fail in courtesy, deeming it a mark of 
weakness, or neglecting it from mere thoughtlessness. 
Yet when we find this added to the other virtues of 
the christian, it will be noted that his influence for 
good upon others has been powerfully increased, for 
it was by this that he obtained access to the hearts 
of others. An old English writer said reverently of 
our Saviour : " He was the first true gentleman that 
ever lived." The influence of many good men would 
be more than doubled if they could manage to be 
less stiff and more elastic. Gentleness in society it 
has been truly said " is like the silent influence of 
light which gives color to all nature; it is far more 
powerful than loudness or force and far more fruit- 
ful. It pushes its way silently and persistently like 
the tiniest daffodil in spring, which raises the clod 
and thrusts it aside by the simple persistence of 

growing." 

Politeness. 

Politeness is kindness of manner. This is the out- 
growth of kindness of heart, of nobleness, and of cour- 
age. But in some persons we find an abundance of 
3 



30 OUR MANNERS. 

courage, nobleness and kindness of heart, without 
kindness of manner, and we can only think and speak 
of them as not only impolite, but even rude and gruff. 
Such a man was Dr. Johnson, whose rudeness secured 
for him the nickname of Ursa Major, and of whom 
Goldsmith truthfully remarked : " No man alive has 
a more tender heart, he has nothing of the bear about 
him but his skin." To acquire that ease and grace 
of manners which distinguishes, and is possessed 
by, every well-bred person, one must think of others 
rather than one's self, and study to please them even 
at one's own inconvenience. " Do unto others as you 
would that others should do unto you," — the golden 
rule of life — is also the law of politeness, and such 
politeness implies self sacrifice, many struggles and 
conflicts. It is an art and tact, rather than an in- 
stinct and inspiration. An eminent divine has said: 
"A noble and attractive every-day bearing comes of 
goodness, of sincerity, of refinement. And these are 
bred in years, not moments. The principle that rules 
our life is the sure posture-master. Sir Philip Sidney 
was the pattern to all England of a perfect gentle- 
man; but then he was the hero that, on the field of 
Zutphen, pushed away the cup of cold water from his 
own fevered and parching lips, and held it out to the 
dying soldier at his side." A Christian, by the very 
conditions of his creed, and the obligations of his 
faith is, of necessity, in mind and soul — and there- 
fore in word and act — a gentleman, but a man may 
be polite without being a Christian. 



CHAPTER III. 

|nlruimritatt$ + 

PN acquaintanceship or friendship usually begins 
by means of an introduction, though it is 
fwirf ky rL0 means uncommon that when it has 
' " '' taken place under other circumstances, — with- 
out introduction — it has been of great advantage 
to both parties ; nor can it be said that it is im- 
proper to begin an acquaintance in this way. The 
formal introduction has been called the highway to 
the beginning of friendship, and the " scraped " ac- 
quaintance the by-path. 

Promiscuous Introductions. 

There is a large class of people who introduce 
friends and acquaintances to everybody they meet, 
whether at home or abroad, while walking or riding 
out. Such promiscuous introductions are neither 
necessary, desirable, nor at all times agreeable. 

An Introduction a Social Endorsement, 

It is to be remembered that an introduction is 
regarded as a social endorsement of the person intro- 

(31) 



32 INTRODUCTIONS. 

duced, and that, under certain circumstances, it would 
be wrong to introduce to our friends casual acquain- 
tances, of whom we know nothing, and who may 
afterwards prove to be anything but desirable persons 
to know. Care should be taken, therefore, in intro- 
ducing two individuals, that the introduction be 
mutually agreeable. Whenever it is practicable, it is 
best to settle the point by inquiring beforehand. 
When this is inexpedient from any cause, a thorough 
acquaintance with both parties will warrant the in- 
troducer to judge of the point for him or herself. 

Universal Introductions. 

While the habit of universal introductions is a 
bad one, there are many men in cities and villages 
who are not at all particular whom they introduce to 
each other. As a general rule, a man should be as 
careful about the character of the person he intro- 
duces to his friends, as he is of him, whose notes he 
would endorse. 

The Introduction of a Gentleman to a Lady. 

A gentleman should not be introduced to a lady, 
unless her permission has been previously obtained, 
and no one should ever be introduced into the house 
of a friend, except permission is first granted. Such 
introductions, however, are frequent, but they are im- 
proper, for a person cannot know that an introduc- 
tion of this kind will be agreeable. If a person asks 



INTRODUCTIONS. 33 

you to introduce him to another, or a gentleman asks 
to be introduced to a lady, and you find the intro- 
duction would not be agreeable to the other party, 
you may decline on the ground that you are not 
sufficiently intimate to take that liberty. 

When a gentleman is introduced to a lady, both 
bow slightly, and the gentleman opens conversation. 
It is the place of the one who is introduced to make 
the first remark. 

Informal Introductions. 

It is not strictly necessary that acquaintanceship 
should await a formal introduction. Persons meeting 
at the house of a common friend, may consider that 
fact a sufficient warrant for the preliminaries of ac- 
quaintanceship, if there appears to be a mutual in- 
clination toward such acquaintanceship. The presence 
of a person in a friend's house, is a sufficient guaranty 
for his or her respectability. Gentlemen and ladies 
may form acquaintances in traveling, on a steamboat, 
in a railway car, or a stage-coach, without the for- 
mality of an introduction. Such acquaintanceship 
should be conducted with a certain amount of re- 
serve, and need not be prolonged beyond the time 
of casual meeting. The slightest approach to disre- 
spect or familiarity should be checked by dignified 
silence. A young lady, however, is not accorded the 
same privilege of forming acquaintances, as is a mar- 
ried or elderly lady, and should be careful about 
doing so. 



34 INTRODUCTIONS. 

Introductions at a Balk 

It is the part of the host or hostess at a ball to 
introduce their guests, though guests may, with per- 
fect propriety, introduce each other, or, as already in- 
timated, may converse with one another without the 
ceremony of a formal introduction. A gentleman, be- 
fore introducing his friends to ladies, should obtain 
permission of the latter to do so, unless he is perfect- 
ly sure, from his knowledge of the ladies, that the 
introductions will be agreeable. The ladies should 
always grant such permission, unless there is a strong 
reason for refusing. The French, and to some extent 
the English, dispense with introductions at a private 
ball. The fact that they have been invited to meet 
each other is regarded as a guaranty that they are 
fit to be mutually acquainted, and is a sufficient war- 
rant for self-introduction. At a public ball partners 
must be introduced to each other. Special introduc- 
ing may be made with propriety by the master of 
ceremonies. At public balls it is well for ladies to 
dance only, or for the most part, with gentlemen- of 
their own party, or those with whom they have had 
a previous acquaintance. 

The Manner of Introduction. 

The proper form of introduction is to present the 
gentleman to the lady, the younger to the older, the 
inferior in social standing to the superior. In intro- 
ducing you bow to the lady and say, " Miss C, allow 



INTR OD UCTIONS. 35 

me to introduce to you Mr. D. Mr. D., Miss C." It 
is the duty of Mr. D. upon bowing to say, " It gives 
me great pleasure to form your acquaintance, Miss 
C," or a remark of this nature. 

If gentlemen are to be introduced to one another, 
the form is, " Col. Blank, permit me to introduce to 
you Mr. Cole. Mr. Cole, Col. Blank." The exact 
words of an introduction are immaterial, so long as 
the proper form and order is preserved. 

The word " present" is often used in place of " in- 
troduce." While it is customary to repeat the names 
of the two parties introduced at the close of the in- 
troduction, it is often omitted as a useless formality. 
It is of the utmost importance that each name should 
be spoken distinctly. If either of the parties does not 
distinctly hear the name of the other he should say 
at once, without hesitation or embarassment, before 
making the bow, " I beg your pardon ; I did not 
catch (or understand) the name," when it may be 
repeated to him. 

If several persons are to be introduced to one in- 
dividual, mention the name of the single individual 
first, and then call the others in succession, bowing 
slightly as each name is pronounced. 

It is the part of true politeness, after introductions, 
to explain to each person introduced something of the 
business or residence of each, as that will assist in 
opening conversation. Or if one party has recently 
returned from a foreign trip, it is courteous to say so. 



INTRODUCTIONS. 



Casual Introductions. 



While it is not necessary to introduce people who 
chance to meet in your house during a morning call ; 
yet if there is no reason for supposing that such an 
introduction will be objectionable to either party, it 
seems better to give it, as it sets both parties at ease 
in conversation. Acquaintanceship may or may not 
follow such an introduction, at the option of the 
parties. People who meet at the house of a mutual 
friend need not recognize each other as acquaintances 
if they meet again elsewhere, unless they choose to 
do so. 

Introducing Relatives. 

In introducing members of your own family, be 
careful not only to specify the degree of relationship, 
but to give the name also. It is awkward to a stranger 
to be introduced to " My brother Tom," or " My 
sister Carrie." When either the introducer or the 
introduced is a married lady, the name of the party 
introduced can only be guessed at. 

Bestowing of Titles. 

In introducing a person give him his appropriate 
title. If he is a clergyman, say " The Rev. Mr. 
Clark.". If a doctor of divinity, say " The Rev. Dr. 
Clark.'' If he is • a member of Congress, call him 
" Honorable," and specify to which branch of Con- 
gress he belongs. If he is governor of a State, men- 



INTR OD UCTIONS. 37 

tion what State. If he is a man of any celebrity in 
the world of art or letters, it is well to mention the 
fact something after this manner : " Mr. Fish, the 
artist, whose pictures you have frequently seen," or 
" Mr. Hart, author of " Our Future State," which you 
so greatly admired." 

Obligatory Introductions. 

A friend visiting at your house must be intro- 
duced to all callers, and courtesy requires the latter 
to cultivate the acquaintance while your visitor 
remains with you. If you are the caller introduced, 
you must show the same attention to the friend of 
your friend that you wish shown your own friends 
under the same circumstances. Persons meeting at 
public places need not introduce each other to the 
strangers who may chance to be with them; and 
even if the introduction does take place, the acquaint- 
ance need not be kept up, unless desired. 

The Obligations of an Introduction. 

Two persons who have been properly introduced 
have in future certain claims upon one another's 
acquaintance, which should be recognized, unless 
there are sufficient reasons for overlooking them. 
Even in that case good manners require the formal 
bow of recognition upon meeting, which, of itself, 
encourages no familiarity. Only a very ill-bred per- 
son will meet another with a stare. 



38 INTRODUCTIONS. 

The Salutation after Introduction. 

A slight bow is all that is required by courtesy, 
after an introduction. Shaking hands is optional, 
and it should rest with the older, or the superior in 
social standing to make the advances. It is often an 
act of kindness on their part, and as such to be com- 
mended. It is a common practice among gentlemen, 
when introduced to one another to shake hands, and 
as it evinces more cordiality than a mere bow, is 
generally to be preferred. An unmarried lady 
should not shake hands with gentlemen indiscrimin- 
ately. 

The First to Recognize. 

It is the privilege of the lady to determine whether 
she will recognize a gentleman after an introduction, 
and he is bound to return the bow. In bowing to a 
lady on the street, it is not enough that a gentleman 
should touch his hat, he should lift it from his head. 

The " Cut Direct." 

The " cut direct," which is given by a prolonged 
stare at a person, if justified at all, can only be in 
case of extraordinary and notoriously bad conduct on 
the part of the individual " cut," and is very seldom 
called for. If any one wishes to avoid a bowing ac- 
quaintance with another, it can be done by looking 
aside or dropping the eyes. It is an invariable rule 
of good society, that a gentleman cannot " cut " a 
lady under any circumstances, but circumstances may 



INTR OD UCTIONS. 39 

arise when he may be excused for persisting in not 
meeting her eyes, for if their eyes meet, he must bow. 

Meeting in the Street. 

If, while walking with one friend, in the street, 
you meet another and stop a moment to speak with 
the latter, it is not necessary to introduce the two 
who are strangers to one another ; but when you 
separate, the friend who accompanies you gives a part- 
ing salutation, the same as yourself. The same rule 
applies, if the friend you meet, chances to be a lady. 

Introducing Yourself. 

If, on entering a drawing-room to pay a visit, you 
are not recognized, mention your name immediately. 
If you know but one member of the family, and you 
find others only in the room, introduce yourself to 
them. Unless this is done, much awkwardness may 
be occasioned. 

About Shaking Hands. 

When a lady is introduced to a gentleman, she 
should merely bow but not give her hand, unless the 
gentleman is a well known friend of some member of 
the family. In that case she may do so if she pleases, 
as a mark of esteem or respect. A gentleman must 
not offer to shake hands with a lady until she has 
made the first movement. 

A married lady should extend her hand upon 
being introduced to a stranger brought to her house 



40 INTR OD UCTIONS. 

by her husband, or by a common friend, as an evi- 
dence of her cordial welcome. 

Letters of Introduction. 

Friendly letters of introduction should only be 
given to personal friends, introducing them, and only 
addressed to those with whom the writer has a strong 
personal friendship. It is not only foolish, but posi- 
tively dangerous to give such a letter to a person 
with whom the writer is but slightly acquainted, as 
you may thus give your countenance and endorse- 
ment to a person who will take advantage of your 
carelessness to bring you into embarrassing and mor- 
tifying positions. Again, you should never address a 
letter of introduction to any but an intimate friend of 
long standing, and even then it should not be done, 
unless you are perfectly satisfied that the person you 
are to introduce will be an agreeable and congenial 
person for your friend to meet, as it would be very 
annoying to send to your friend a visitor who would 
prove to him disagreeable. Even amongst friends of 
long standing such letters should be given very cau- 
tiously and sparingly. 

The form of letters of introduction is given in the 
chapter on Letter-writing. 

Delivering' a Letter of Introduction. 

It is not necessary to deliver a friendly letter of 
introduction to a person who resides in another town. 



INTR OD UCTIONS. 41 

It is better to send it to the person to whom it is 
directed, on your arrival, accompanied by your card 
of address. If he wishes to comply with the request 
of his friend he will call upon you, and give you an 
invitation to visit him ; circumstances, however, might 
render it exceedingly inconvenient, or impossible 
for the person to whom the letter is addressed, to 
call upon you ; consequently a neglect to call need 
not be considered a mark of ill-breeding, though by 
some people it is so considered. The person ad- 
dressed must consult his own feelings in the matter, 
and while aiming to do what is right, he is not 
bound to sacrifice business or other important 
matters to attend to the entertainment of a friend's 
friend. In such a case he may send his own card 
to the address of the person bearing the letter of 
introduction, and the latter is at liberty to call upon 
him at his leisure. 

The Duty of the Person Addressed. 

In Europe it is the custom for a person with a 
letter of introduction to make the first call, but in 
this country we think that a stranger should never 
be made to feel that he is begging our attention, and 
that it is indelicate for him to intrude until he is 
positive that his company would be agreeable. Con- 
sequently, if it is your wish and in your power to 
welcome any one recommended to you by letter from 
a friend, or to show your regard for your friend's 
friend, you must call upon him with all possible 



42 INTRODUCTIONS. 

dispatch, after you receive his letter of introduction, 
and give him as hospitable a reception and entertain- 
ment as it is possible to give, and such as you 
would be pleased to receive were you in his place. 

Letters of Introduction for Business Purposes. 

Letters of introduction to and from business men 
may be delivered by the bearers in person, and 
etiquette does not require the receiver to entertain 
the person introduced as a friend of the writer. It is 
entirely optional with the person to whom the letter 
is introduced how he welcomes him, or whether he 
entertains him or not, though his native courtesy 
would be apt to suggest that some kind attentions 
should be paid him. 




CHAPTER IV. 

[ARLYLE says : " What we call l formulas ' are 
not in their origin bad ; they are indisputably 
good. Formula is method, habitude; found 
wherever man is found. Formulas fashion 
themselves as paths do, as beaten highways leading 
toward some sacred high object, whither many men 
are bent. Consider it : One man full of heartfelt, 
earnest impulse finds out a way of doing something — 
were it of uttering his soul's reverence for the Highest, 
were it but of filly saluting his fellow-man. An inventor 
was needed to do that, a poet ; he has articulated the 
dim, struggling thought that dwelt in his own and 
many hearts. This is his way of doing that. These 
are his footsteps, the beginning of a ' path.' And now 
see the second man travels naturally in the footsteps 
of his foregoer ; it is the easiest method. In the foot- 
steps of his foregoer, yet with improvements, with 
changes where such seem good ; at all events with 
enlargements, the path ever widening itself as more 
travel it, till at last there is a broad highway, where- 
on the whole world may travel and drive." 

(43) 



44 SALUTATIONS. 

Salutation Originally an Act of Worship. 

A lady writer of distinction says of salutations : 
" It would seem that good manners were originally 
the expression of submission from the weaker to the 
stronger. In a rude state of society every salutation 
is to this day an act of worship. Hence the common- 
est acts, phrases and signs of courtesy with which we 
are now familiar, date from those earlier stages when 
the strong hand ruled and the inferior demonstrated 
his allegiance by studied servility. Let us take, for 
example, the words ' sir ' and ' madam.' ' Sir ' is de- 
rived from seigneur, sieur, and originally meant lord, 
king, ruler and, in its patriarchal sense, father. The 
title of sire was last borne by some of the ancient 
feudal families of France, who, as Selden has said, 
* affected rather to be styled by the name of sire than 
baron, as Le Sire de Montmorenci and the like.' ' Madam' 
or ' madame,' corrupted by servants into ' ma'am,' and 
by Mrs. Gamp and her tribe into ' mum,' is in sub- 
stance equivalent to ' your exalted,' or ' your highness,' 
madame originally meaning high-born or stately, and 
being applied only to ladies of the highest rank. 

" To turn to our every-day forms of salutation. 
We take off our hats on visiting an acquaintance. 
We bow on being introduced to strangers. We rise 
when visitors enter our drawing-room. We wave our 
hand to our friend as he passes the window or drives 
away from our door. The Oriental, in like manner, 
leaves his shoes on the threshold when he pays a 



SALUTATIONS. 45 

visit. The natives of the Tonga Islands kiss the soles 
of a chieftain's feet. The Siberian peasant grovels in 
the dust before a Russian noble. Each of these acts 
has a primary, a historical significance. The very 
word ' salutation,' in the first place, derived as it is 
from salutatio, the daily homage paid by a Roman 
client to his patron, suggests in itself a history of 
manners. 

" To bare the head was originally an act of sub- 
mission to gods and rulers. A bow is a modified 
orostration. A lady's curtsey is a modified genuflec- 
tion. Rising and standing are acts of homage ; and 
when we wave our hand to a friend on the opposite- 
side of the street, we are unconsciously imitating the 
Romans, who, as Selden tells us, used to stand c some- 
what off before the images of their gods, solemnly 
moving the right hand to the lips and casting it, as 
if they had cast kisses.' Again, men remove the 
glove when they shake hands with a lady — a custom 
evidently of feudal origin. The knight removed his 
iron gauntlet, the pressure of which would have been 
all too harsh for the palm of a fair chatelaine ; and the 
custom, which began in necessity, has traveled down 
to us as a point of etiquette." 

Salutations of Different Nations. 

Each nation has its own method of salutation. In 
Southern Africa it is the custom to rub toes. In 
Lapland your friend rubs his nose against yours. The 
Turk folds his arms upon his breast and bends his 



46 SALUTATIONS. 

head very low. The Moors of Morocco have a some- 
what startling mode of salutation. They ride at a 
gallop toward a stranger, as though they would un- 
horse him, and when close at hand suddenly check 
their horse and fire a pistol over the~ person's head. 
The Egyptian solicitously asks you, " How do you 
perspire?" and lets his hand fall to the knee. The 
Chinese bows low and inquires, " Have you eaten ?" 
The Spaniard says, " God be with you, sir," or, " How 
do you stand ?" And the Neapolitan piously remarks, 
" Grow in holiness." The German asks, " How goes 
it with you ?" The Frenchman bows profoundly and 
inquires, " How do you carry yourself?" 

Foreigners are given to embracing. In France and 
Germany the parent kisses his grown-up son on the 
forehead, men throw their arms around the necks of 
their friends, and brothers embrace like lovers. It is 
a curious sight to Americans, with then* natural pre- 
judices against publicity in kissing. 

In England and America there are three modes of 
salutation — the bow, handshaking and the kiss. 

The Bow. 

It is said : " A bow is a note drawn at sight 
You are bound to acknowledge it immediately, and 
to the full amount." It should be respectful, cordial, 
civil or familiar, according to circumstances. Between 
gentlemen, an inclination of the head, a gesture of 
the hand, or the mere touching of the hat is suffici- 
ent; but in bowing to a lady, the hat must be lifted 



SALUTATIONS. 47 

from the head. If you know people slightly, you re- 
cognize them slightly ; if you know them well, you 
bow with more familiarity. The body is not bent at 
all in bowing ; the inclination of the head is all that 
is necessary. 

If the gentleman is smoking, he withdraws his 
cigar from his mouth before lifting his hat to a lady, 
or if he should happen to have his hand in his 
pocket he removes it. 

At the moment of the first meeting of the eyes of 
an acquaintance you bow. Any one who has been 
introduced to you, or any one to whom you have 
been introduced, is entitled to this mark of respect. 

The bow is the touchstone of good breeding, and 
to neglect it, even to one with whom you may have a 
trifling difference, shows deficiency in cultivation and 
in the instincts of refinement. A bow does not entail 
a calling acquaintance. Its entire neglect reveals the 
character and training of the person ; the manner of 
its observance reveals the very shades of breeding 
that exist between the ill-bred and the well-bred. 

Returning a Bow. 

A gentleman walking with a lady returns a bow 
made to her, whether by a lady or gentleman (lifting 
his hat not too far from his head), although the one 
bowing is an entire stranger to him. 

It is civility to return a bow, although you do not 
know the one who is bowing to you. Either the one 
who bows, knows you, or has mistaken you for some 



48 SALUTATIONS. 

one else. In either case you should return the bow, 
and probably the mistake will be discovered to have 
occurred from want of quick recognition on your 
own part, or from some resemblance that you bear to 
another. 

The Manner of Bowing. 

The manner in which the salutation of recognition 
is made, may be regarded as an unerring test of the 
breeding, training, or culture of a person. It should 
be prompt as soon as the eyes meet, whether on 
the street or in a room. The intercourse need go no 
further, but that bow must be made. There are but 
few laws which have better reasons for their obser- 
vance than this. This rule holds good under all cir- 
cumstances, whether within doors or without. Those 
who abstain from bowing at one time, and bow at 
another, should not be surprised to find that the 
person whom they have neglected, has avoided the 
continuation of their acquaintance. 

Duties of Young to Older People. 

Having once had an introduction that entitles to 
recognition, it is the duty of the person to recall 
himself or herself to the recollection of the older 
person, if there is much difference in age, by bowing 
each time of meeting, until the recognition becomes 
mutual. As persons advance in hfe s they look for 
these attentions upon the part of the young. Persons 
who have large circles of acquaintance, often confuse 



SALUTATIONS. 49 

the faces of the young whom they know with the 
familiar faces which they meet and do not know^ 
and from frequent errors of this kind, they get into 
the habit of waiting to catch some look or gesture of 
recognition. 

How to Avoid Recognition. 

If a person desires to avoid a bowing acquaintance 
with a person who has been properly introduced, he 
may do so by looking aside, or dropping the eyes as 
the person approaches, for if the eyes meet, there is 
no alternative, bow he must. 

On Public Promenades. 

Bowing once to a person upon a public promenade 
or drive is all that civility requires. If the person is 
a friend, it is in better form, the second and subse- 
quent passings, should you catch his or her eye, to 
smile slightly instead of bowing repeatedly. If an 
acquaintance, it is best to avert the eyes. 

A Smiling Bow. 

A bow should never be accompanied by a broad 
smile, even when you are well acquainted, and yet a 
high authority well says, u You should never speak 
to an acquaintance without a smile in your eyes." 

Deference to Elderly People. 

A young lady should show the same deference to 
an elderly lady, that a gentleman does to a lady. It 



50 SALUTATIONS. 

may also be said that a young man should show 
proper deference to elderly gentlemen. 

Words of Salutation. 

The words commonly used in saluting a person 
are " Good Morning," " Good Afternoon," " Good Eve- 
ning," " How do you do," (sometimes contracted into 
" Howdy " and " How dye do,") and " How are you." 
The three former are most appropriate, as it seems 
somewhat absurd to ask after a person's health, unless 
you stop to receive an answer. A respectful bow 
should accompany the words. 

Shaking Hands. 

Among friends the shaking of the hand is the 
most genuine and cordial expression of good-will. It 
is not necessary, though in certain cases it is not for- 
bidden, upon introduction; but when, acquaintance- 
ship has reached any degree of intimacy, it is perfectly 

proper. 

Etiquette of Handshaking. 

An authority upon this subject says : " The eti- 
quette of handshaking is simple. A man has no right 
to take a lady's hand until it is offered. He has 
even less right to pinch or retain it. Two ladies 
shake hands gently and softly. A young lady gives 
her hand, but does not shake a gentleman's unless 
she is his friend. A lady should always rise to give 
her hand ; a gentleman, of course, never dares to do so 
seated. On introduction in a room a married lady 



SALUTATIONS. 51 

generally offers her hand; a young lady, not. In a 
ballroom, where the introduction is to dancing, not to 
friendship, you never shake hands ; and as a general 
rule, an introduction is not followed by shaking- 
hands, only by a bow. It may perhaps be laid down 
that the more public the place of introduction, the 
less handshaking takes place. But if the introduction 
be particular, if it be accompanied by personal re- 
commendation, such as, ' I want you to know my 
friend Jones,' or if Jones comes with a letter of pres- 
entation, then you give Jones your hand, and warmly 
too. Lastly, it is the privilege of a superior to offer 
or withhold his or her hand, so that an inferior 
should never put his forward first." 

When a lady so far puts aside her reserve as to 
shake hands at all, she should give her hand with 
frankness and cordiality. There should be equal frank- 
ness and cordiality on the gentleman's part, and even 
more warmth, though a careful avoidance of anything 
like offensive familiarity or that which might be mis- 
taken as such. 

In shaking hands the right hand should always 
be offered, unless it be so engaged as to make it im- 
possible, and then an excuse should be offered. The 
French give the left hand, as nearest the heart. 

The mistress of a household should offer her hand 
to every guest invited to her house. 

A gentleman must not shake hands with a lady 
until she has made the first move in that direction. 
It is a mark of rudeness not to give his hand in- 



52 SALUTATIONS, 

stantly, should she extend her own. A married lady 
should always extend her hand to a stranger brought 
to her house by a common friend, as an evidence of 
her cordial welcome. Where an introduction is for 
dancing, there is no shaking of hands. 

The Kiss. 

This is the most affectionate form of salutation, 
and is only proper among near relations and dear 
friends, and upon proper occasions. 

The Kiss of Friendship. 

The kiss of friendship and relationship is on the 
cheeks and forehead. In this country this act of 
affection is generally excluded from public eyes, and 
in the case of parents and children and near rela- 
tions, it is perhaps unnecessarily so. 

Kissing in Public. 

The custom which has become quite prevalent of 
women kissing each other whenever they meet in 
public, is regarded as vulgar, and by ladies of deli- 
cacy and refinement is entirely avoided. 

The Kiss of Respect. 

The kiss of -respect — almost obsolete in this 
country — is made on the hand. This custom is 
retained in Germany and among gentlemen of the 
most courtly manners in England. 




CHAPTER V. 

JKitptaife dj dalk 

ADHERE are calls of ceremony, of condolence, 
f£ of congratulation and of friendship. All but 
the latter are usually of short duration. The 
call of friendship is usually of less formality 
and may be of some length. 

Morning Calls. 

"Morning calls," as they are termed, should not 
be made earlier than twelve m. nor later than five p.m. 

A morning call should not exceed half an hour 
in length. From ten to twenty minutes is ordinarily 
quite long enough. If other visitors come in, the 
visit should terminate as speedily as possible. Upon 
leaving bow slightly to, the strangers. 

In making a call be careful to avoid the lunch- 

or dinner-hour of your friends. From two until five 

is ordinarily the most convenient time for morning 

calls. 

Evening Calls. 

It is sometimes more convenient for both caller and 
called upon that the call should be made in the 

(53) 



54 ETIQUETTE OF CALLS. 

evening. An evening call should never be made 
later than nine o'clock, nor be prolonged after tern 
neither should it exceed an hour in length. 

Rules for Formal Calls. 

The lady of the house rises upon the entrance of 
her visitors, who at once advance to pay their 
respects to her before speaking to others. If too- 
many callers are present to enable her to take the 
lead in conversation, she pays especial attention to 
the latest arrivals, watching to see that no one is left 
alone, and talking to each of her guests in succession, 
or seeing that some one is doing so. 

A lady who is not in her own house does not 
rise, either on the arrival or departure of ladies, 
unless there is some great difference in age. Atten- 
tion to the aged is one of the marks of good-breeding 
which is never neglected by the thoughtful and 
refined 

It is not customary to introduce residents of the 
same city, unless the hostess knows that an introduc- 
tion will be agreeable to both parties. Strangers in 
the place are always introduced. 

Ladies and gentlemen are privileged to speak to 
each other, who meet in the drawing-room of a com- 
mon friend, without any introduction ; though gentle- 
men generally prefer to ask for introductions. When 
introduced to any one, bow slightly, and enter at 
once into conversation. It shows a lack of good 
breeding not to do so. 



ETIQUETTE OF CALLS. 55 

When introductions are given, it is the gentleman 
who should be presented to the lady ; when two 
ladies are introduced it is the younger who is pre- 
sented to the older. 

A lady receiving gives her hand to a stranger 
as to a friend, when she wishes to bestow some mark 
of cordiality in welcoming a guest to her home, but 
a gentleman should not take the initiatory in hand- 
shaking. It is the lady's privilege to give or with- 
hold as she chooses. 

A gentleman rises, when those ladies with whom 
he is talking rise to take their leave. He also rises 
upon the entrance of ladies, but he does not offer 
seats to those entering, unless in his own house, or 
unless requested to do so by the hostess, and then 
he does not offer his own chair if others are availa- 
ble. 

A call should not be less than fifteen minutes in 
duration, nor should it be so long as to become 
tedious. A bore is a person who does not know 
when you have had enough of his or her company, 
and gives more of it than is desirable. Choose a 
time to leave when there is a lull in the conversa- 
tion, and the hostess is not occupied with fresh 
arrivals. Then take leave of your hostess, bowing to 
those you know as you leave the room, not to each 
in turn, but let one bow include all. 

Calls ought to be made within three days after a 
dinner or tea party, if it is a first invitation ; and 
if not, within a week. After a party or a ball, whether 



56 ETIQUETTE OF CALLS. 

you have accepted the invitation or not, you call 
within a week. 

A lady who has no regular reception day, will 
endeavor to receive callers at any time. If she is 
occupied, she will instruct her servant to say that she 
is engaged ; but a visitor once admitted into the house 
must be seen at any inconvenience. 

A lady should never keep a caller waiting without 
sending to see whether a delay of a few minutes will 
inconvenience the caller. Servants should be instructed 
to return and announce to the person waiting, that 
the lady will be down immediately. Any delay 
whatever should be apologized for. 

If, on making a call, you are introduced into a 
room where you are unknown to those assembled, at 
once give your name and mention upon whom your 
call is made. 

In meeting a lady or gentleman whose name you 
cannot recall, frankly say so, if you find it necessary. 
Sensible persons will prefer to recall themselves to 
your memory than to feel that you were talking to 
them without fully recognizing them. To affect not 
to remember a person is despicable, and reflects only 
on the pretender. 

Gentlemen, as well as ladies, when making formal 
calls, send in but one card, no matter how many 
members of the family they may wish to see. If a 
guest is stopping at the house, the same rule is ob- 
served. If not at home, one card is left for the lady, 
and one for the guest. The card for the lady may 
be folded so as to include the family. 



ETIQUETTE OF CALLS. 57 

Rules for Summer Resorts. 

At places of summer resort, those who own their 
cottages, call first upon those who rent them, and 
those who rent, in turn, call upon each other, ac- 
cording to priority of arrival. In all these cases there 
are exceptions ; as, where there is any great difference 
in ages, the younger then calling upon the older, if 
there has been a previous acquaintance or exchange 
of calls. If there has been no previous acquaintance 
or exchange of calls, the older lady pays the first call, 
unless she takes the initiative by inviting the younger 
to call upon her, or by sending her an invitation to 
some entertainment, which she is about to give. 
When the occupants of t^o villas, who have arrived 
the same season, meet at the house of a common 
friend, and the older of the two uses her privilege of 
inviting the other to call, it would be a positive rude- 
ness not to call ; and the sooner the call is made, the 
more civil will it be considered. It is equally rude, 
when one lady asks permission of another to bring a 
friend to call, and then neglects to do it, after per- 
mission has been given. If the acquaintance is not 
desired, the first call can be the last. 



Calls made by Cards. 

Only calls of pure ceremony — such as are made 
previous to an entertainment on those persons who 
are not to be invited, and to whom you are indebted 
for any attentions — are made by handing in cards; 



58 ETIQUETTE OF CALLS. 

nor can a call in person be returned by cards. Ex- 
ceptions to this rule comprise P. P. C. calls, cards left 
or sent by persons in mourning, and those which an- 
nounce a lady's day for receiving calls, on her return 
to town, after an absence. 

Reception Days. 

Some ladies receive only on certain days or 
evenings, which are once a week, once a fortnight, or 
once a month as the case may be, and the time is 
duly announced hy cards. When a lady has made 
this rule it is considerate, on the part of her friends, 
to observe it, for it is sometimes regarded as an 
intrusion to call at any other time. The reason of 
her having made this rule may have been to prevent 
the loss of too much time from her duties, in the 
receiving of calls from her friends. 

Calls after Betrothal. 

When a betrothal takes place and it is formally 
announced to the relatives and friends on both sides, 
calls of congratulation follow. The bridegroom that 
is to be, is introduced by the family of the proposed 
bride to their connections and most intimate friends, 
and his family in return introduce her to relatives 
and acquaintances . whom they desire her to know. 
The simplest way of bringing this about is by the 
parents leaving the cards of the betrothed, with their 
own, upon all families on their visiting list whom they 
wish to have the betrothed pair visit. 



ETIQUETTE OF CALLS. 59 

The Cards and Calls of Strangers. 

Strangers arriving are expected to send their cards 
to their acquaintances, bearing their direction, as an 
.announcement that they are in the city. This rule is 
often neglected, but unless it is observed, strangers 
may be a long time in town without their presence 
being known. 

Returning a First Call. 

A first call ought to be returned within three or 
four days. A longer delay than a week is considered 
.an intimation that you are unwilling to accept the 
new acquaintance, unless some excuse for the remiss- 
ness is made. 

Forming Acquaintance. 

In an event of exchange of calls between two 
ladies, without meeting, who are known to each other 
only by sight, they should upon the first opportunity, 
make themselves acquainted with one another. The 
younger should seek the older, or the one who has 
been the recipient of the first attention should intro- 
duce herself, or seek an introduction, but it is not ne- 
cessary to stand upon ceremony on such points. 
Ladies knowing each other by sight, bow, after an 
exchange of cards. 

The First Call. 

When it becomes a question as to which shall 
■ call first, between old residents, the older should take 



60 ETIQUETTE OF CALLS. 

the initiatory Ladies, who have been in the habit of 
meeting for sometime without exchanging calls, some- 
times say to each other : " I hope you will come and 
see me," and often the answer is made : " Oh, you 
must come and see me first?" That answer could 
only be given, with propriety, by a lady who is much 
the older of the two. The lady who extends the in- 
vitation makes the first advance, and the one who 
receives it should at least say : " I thank you, — 
you are very kind," and then accept the invitation or 
not, as it pleases her It is the custom for residents 
to make the first call upon strangers. 

Calls of Congratulation. 

Calls of congratulation are made when any happy 
or auspicious event may have occurred in the family 
visited — such as a birth, marriage, or any piece of 
good fortune. Such visits may be made either similar 
to the morning or the evening call. Such visits may 
also be made upon the appointment of friends to any 
important office or honored position, or when a friend 
has distinguished himself by a notable public address 
or oration. 

P. P. C. Calls. 

When persons are going abroad to be absent for a 
considerable period, if they have not time or inclina- 
tion to take leave of all their friends by making 
formal calls, they will send to each of their friends a 
card with the letters P. P. C. written upon it. They 



ETIQUETTE OF CALLS. 61 

arc the initials of " Pour Prendre Conge," — to take 
leave, — and may with propriety stand for "presents 
parting compliments." On returning home, it is cus- 
tomary that friends should first call upon them. A 
neglect to do so, unless for some good excuse, is 
sufficient cause to drop their acquaintance. In taking 
leave of a family, you send as many cards as you 
would if you were paying an ordinary visit. 

Visits of Condolence. 

Visits of condolence should be made within a week 

after the event which occasions them ; but if the 

acquaintance be slight, immediately after the family 

appear at public worship. A card should be sent in, 

and if your friends are able to receive you, your 

manners and conversation should be in harmony with 

the character of your visit. It is deemed courteous to 

send in a mourning card; and for ladies to make 

their calls in black silk or plain-colored apparel. It 

denotes that they sympathize with the afflictions of 

the family, and a warm, heartfelt sympathy is always 

appreciated. 

Evening Visits. 

Evening visits are paid only to those with whom 

we are well acquainted. They should not be frequent, 

even where one is intimate, nor should they be pro 

+ racted to a great length. Frequent visits are apt to 

become tiresome to your friends or acquaintances, and 

long visits may entitle you to the appellation of 

" bore." 

5 



62 ETIQUETTE OF CALLS. 

If you should happen to pay an evening visit at a 
house where a small party had assembled, unknown 
to you, present yourself and converse for a few min- 
utes with an unembarrassed air, after which you may 
leave, pleading as an excuse that you had only in- 
tended to make a short call. An invitation to stay 
and spend the evening, given for the sake of courtesy, 
should not be accepted. If urged very strongly to 
remain, and the company is an informal gathering* 
you may with propriety consent to do so. 

Keep an Account of Calls. 

A person should keep a strict account of cere- 
monial calls, and take note of how soon calls are 
returned. By doing so, an opinion can be formed as 
to how frequently visits are desired. Instances may 
occur, when, in consequence of age or ill health, calls 
should be made without any reference, to their being 
returned. It must be remembered that nothing must 
interrupt the discharge of this duty. 

Calls op Ceremony among Friends. 

Among relations and friends, calls of mere cere- 
mony are unnecessary. It is, however, needful to make 
suitable calls, and to avoid staying too long, if your 
friend is engaged. The courtesies of society should be 
maintained among the nearest friends, and even in 
the domestic circle. 



ETIQUETTE OF CALLS, 63 

" Engaged " or " Not at Home." 

If a lady is so employed that she cannot receive 
callers she should charge the servant who goes to 
answer the bell to say that she is " engaged " or 
" not at home." . This will prove sufficient with all 
well-bred people. 

The servant should have her orders to say 
" engaged " or " not at home " before any one has 
called, so that the lady shall avoid all risk of being- 
obliged to inconvenience herself in receiving company 
when she has intended to deny herself. If there are 
to be exceptions made in favor of any individual or 
individuals, mention his or their names specially to 
the servant, adding that you will see them if they 
call, but to all others you are " engaged." 

A lady should always be dressed sufficiently well 
to receive company, and not keep them waiting while 
she is making her toilet. 

A well-bred person always endeavors to receive 
visitors at whatever time they call, or whoever they 
may be, but there are times when it is impossible to 
do so, and then, of course, a servant is instructed 
beforehand to say " not at home " to the visitor. If, 
however the servant admits the visitor and he is 
seated, in the drawing-room or parlor it is the duty 
of the hostess to receive him or her at any inconven- 
ience to herself. 

When you call upon persons, and are informed 
at the door that the parties whom you ask for are 



64 ETIQUETTE OF CALLS. 

engaged you should never insist in an attempt to be 
admitted, but should acquiesce at once in any 
arrangements which they have made for their con- 
venience, and to protect themselves from interruption. 
However intimate you may be in any house you 
have no right, when an order has been given to 
exclude general visitors, and no exception has been 
made of you, to violate that exclusion, and declare 
that the party should be at home to you. There are 
times and reasons when a person desires to be 
left entirely alone, and at such times there is no 
friendship for which she would give up her occupa- 
tion or her solitude. 

General Rules Regarding Calls. 

A gentleman in making a formal call should re- 
tain his hat and gloves in his hand on entering the 
room. The hat should not be laid upon a table or 
stand, but kept in the hand, unless it is found neces- 
sary from some cause to set it down. In that case, 
place it upon the floor. An umbrella should be left 
in the hall. In an informal evening call, the hat, 
gloves, overcoat and cane may all be left in the hall. 

A lady, in making a call, may bring a stranger, 
even a gentleman, with her, without previous permis- 
sion. A gentleman, however, should never take the 
same liberty. 

No one should prolong a call if the person upon 
whom the call is made is found dressed ready to go 
out 



ETIQUETTE OF GALLS. 65 

A lady should be more richly dressed when calling 
on her friends than for an ordinary walk. 

A lady should never call upon a gentleman except 
upon some business, officially or professionally. 

Never allow young children, dogs or pets of any 
sort to accompany you in a call. They often prove 
disagreeable and troublesome. 

Two persons out of one family, or at most three, 
are all that should call together. 

It is not customary in cities to offer refreshments 
to callers. In the country, where the caller has come 
from some distance, it is exceedingly hospitable to do 
so. 

Calls in the country may be less ceremonious and 
of longer duration, than those made in the city. 

A person making a call should not, while waiting 
for a hostess, touch an open piano, walk about the 
room examining pictures, nor handle any ornament 
in the room. 

If there is a stranger visiting at the house of a 
friend, the acquaintances of the family should be 
punctilious to call at an early date. 

Never offer to go to the room of an invalid upon 
whom you have called, but wait for an invitation to 
do so. 

In receiving morning calls, it is unnecessary for a 
lady to lay aside any employment, not of an absorb- 
ing nature, upon which she may happen to be en- 
gaged. Embroidery, crocheting or light needlework are 
perfectly in harmony with the requirements of the 



66 ETIQUETTE OF CALLS. 

hour, and the lady looks much better employed than 
in absolute idleness. 

A lady should pay equal attention to all her 
guests. The display of unusual deference is alone al- 
lowable, when distinguished rank or reputation or 
advanced age justifies it. 

A guest should take the seat indicated by the 
hostess. A gentleman should never seat himself on 
a sofa beside her, or in a chair in immediate prox- 
imity, unless she specially invites him -to do so. 

A lady need not lay aside her bonnet during a 
formal call, even though urged to do so. If the call 
be a friendly and unceremonious one, she may do so 
if she thinks proper, but not without an invitation, 

A gentleman caller must not look at his watch 
during a call, unless, in doing so, he pleads some 
engagement and asks to be excused. 

Formal calls are generally made, twice a year; 
but only once a year is binding, when no invitations 
have been received that require calls in return. 

In calling upon a person living at a hotel or 
boarding-house, it is customary to stop in the parlor 
and send your card to the room of the person called 
upon. 

When a person has once risen to take leave, he 
should not be persuaded to prolong his stay. 

Callers should take special pains to make their 
visits opportune. On the other hand, a lady should 
always receive her callers, at whatever hour or day 
they come, if it is possible to do so. 



ETIQUETTE OF CALLS. 67 

When a gentleman has called and not found the 
lady at home, it is civility on the part of the lady, 
upon the occasion of their next meeting, to express 
her regret at not seeing him. He should reciprocate 
the regret, and not reply unthinkingly or awkwardly : 
k ' Oh it made no particular difference," " it was of no 
great consequence," or words to that effect. 

After you have visited a friend at her country 
seat, or after receiving an invitation to visit her, a 
call is due her upon her return to her town residence. 
This is one of the occasions when a call should be 
made promptly and in person, unless you have a 
reason for wishing to discontinue the acquaintance; 
even then it would be more civil to take another 
opportunity for dropping a friend who wished to show 
a civility, unless her character has been irretrievably 
lost in the meantime. 

New-Year's Calls. 

The custom of New- Year's calling is prevalent in 
all cities, and most villages in the country, and so 
agreeable a custom is it, that it is becoming more in 
favor in every year. This is the day when gentlemen 
keep up their acquaintanceship with ladies and fami- 
lies, some of whom they are unable to see, probably, 
during the whole year. Of late it has become cus- 
tomary in many cities to publish in one or more 
newspapers, a day or two before New- Years, a list 
of the ladies who will receive calls on that day, and 
from this list gentlemen arrange their calls. For con- 



68 ETIQUETTE OF CALLS. 

venience and to add to the pleasure of the day, 
several ladies frequently unite in receiving calls at 
the residence of one of their number, but this is 
usually done when only one or two members of a 
family can receive. Where there are several members 
of a family, who can do so, they usually receive at 
their own home. 

Gentlemen call either singly, in couples, by threes 
or fours and sometimes even more, in carriages or on 
foot, as they choose. Calls commence about ten o'clock 
in the morning, and continue until about nine in the 
evening. When the gentlemen go in parties, they call 
upon the lady friends of each, and if any are not ac- 
quainted, those who are, introduce the others. The 
length of a call is usually from ten to fifteen minutes, 
but it is often governed by circumstances, and may- 
be prolonged to even an hour. 

Refreshments are usually provided for the callers, 
and should always be offered, but it is not necessary 
that they should be accepted.' If not accepted, an 
apology should be tendered, with thanks for the offer. 
The refreshments may consist of oysters, raw or scal- 
loped, cold meats, salads, fruits, cakes, sandwiches,, 
etc., and hot tea and coffee. 

When callers -are ushered into the reception-room, 
they are met by the ladies, when introductions are 
given, and the callers are invited to remove their 
overcoats, but it is optional with them whether they 
do so or not. It is also optional with them whether 
they remove their gloves. When gentlemen are intro- 



ETIQUETTE OF CALLS. 6$ 

duced to ladies in making New- Year's calls, they are 
not thereby warranted in calling again upon any of 
these ladies, unless specially invited to do so. It is 
the lady's pleasure whether the acquaintance shall be 
maintained. 

In making New-Year's calls, a gentleman leaves 
one card, whatever may be the number of ladies re- 
ceiving with the hostess. If there is a basket at the 
door he leaves a card for each of the ladies 
of the house, including lady guests of the family, 
provided there are any. The New- Year's card should 
not differ from an ordinary calling card. It should 
be plain, with the name engraved or printed in neat 
script. It is not now considered in good taste to have 
" Happy New Year " or other words upon it, unless 
it may be the residence of the gentleman, which may 
be printed or written in the right hand corner, if 
deemed desirable. A gentleman does not make calls 
the first New- Year after his marriage, but receives at 
home with his wife. 



CHAPTER VI. 

|JtjjusitB of Tistling. 




jOME of the social observances pertaining to 
visiting away from one's own home, and ac- 
cepting the hospitalities of friends, are here 
given and are applicable to ladies and gentle- 
men alike. 

General Invitations. 

No one should accept a general invitation for a 
prolonged visit. " Do come and spend some time with 
me " may be said with all earnestness and cordiality, 
but to give the invitation real meaning the date 
should be definitely fixed and the length of time 
stated. 

A person who pays a visit upon a general invita- 
tion need not be surprised if he finds himself as un- 
welcome as he is unexpected. His friends may be 
absent from home, or their house may be already 
fall, or they may not have made arrangements for 
visitors. From these and other causes they may be 
greatly inconvenienced by an unexpected arrival. 

It would be well if people would abstain altogether 
from this custom of* giving general invitations, which 

(70) 



ETIQUETTE OF VISITING. 71 

really mean nothing, and be scrupulous to invite their 
desired guests at a stated time and for a given period. 

Limit of a Prolonged Visit. 

If no exact length of time is specified, it is well 

for visitors to limit a visit to three days or a week, 

according to the degree of intimacy they may have 

with the family, or the distance they have come to 

pay the visit, announcing this limitation soon after 

arrival, so that the host and hostess may invite a 

prolongation of the stay if the}' desire it, or so that 

they can make their arrangements in accordance. 

One never likes to ask of a guest, " How long do you 

intend to remain ?" yet it is often most desirable to 

know. 

True Hospitality. 

Offer your guests the best that you have in the 
way of food and rooms, and express no regrets, and 
make no excuses that you have nothing better to 
give them. 

Try to make your guests feel at home ; and do 
this, not by urging them in empty words to do so, 
but by making their stay as pleasant as possible, at 
the same time being careful to put out of sight any 
trifling trouble or inconvenience they may cause you. 

Devote as much time as is consistent with other 

engagements to the amusement and entertainment of 

your guests. 

Duties of the Visitor. 

On the other hand, the visitor should try to con- 



72 ETIQUETTE OF VISITING. 

form as much as possible to the habits of the house 
which temporarily shelters him. He should never 
object to the hours at which meals are served, nor 
should he ever allow the family to be kept waiting 
on his account. 

It is a good rule for a visitor to retire to his own 
apartment in the morning, or at least seek out some 
occupation or amusement of his own, without seeming 
to need the assistance or attention of host or hostess ; 
for it is undeniable that these have certain duties 
which must be attended to at this portion of the day,, 
in order to leave the balance of the time free for the 
entertainment of their guests. 

If any family matters of a private or unpleasant 
nature come to the knowledge of the guest during 
his stay, he must seem both blind and deaf, and 
never refer to them unless the parties interested speak 
of them first. , 

The rule on which a host and hostess should act 
is to make their guests as much at ease as possible ; 
that on which a visitor should act is to interfere as 
little as possible with the ordinary routine of the 
house. 

It is not required that a hostess should spend her 
whole time in the- entertainment of her guests. The 
latter may prefer to be left to their own devices for 
a portion of the day. On the other hand, it shows 
the worst of breeding for a visitor to seclude himself 
from the family and seek his own amusements and 
occupations regardless of their desire to join in them 
or entertain him. 



ETIQUETTE OF VISITING. 73 

You should try to hold yourself at the disposal of 
those whom you are visiting. If they propose to you 
to ride, to drive or walk, you should acquiesce as far 
as your strength will permit, and do your best to 
seem pleased at the efforts made to entertain you. 

You should not accept invitations without consult- 
ing your host. You should not call upon the servants 
to do errands for you, or to wait upon you too much, 
nor keep the family up after hours of retiring. 

If you have observed anything to the disadvantage 
of your friends, while partaking of their hospitality, 
it should never be mentioned, either while you are 
under their roof or afterwards. Speak only of what 
redounds to their praise and credit. This feeling 
■ought to be mutual between host and guest. What- 
ever good is observed in either may be commented 
upon, but the curtain of silence must be drawn over 
■their faults. 

Give as little trouble as possible when a guest, but 
at the same time never think of apologizing for any 
little additional trouble which your visit may occasion. 
It would imply that you thought your friends incap- 
able of entertaining you without some inconvenience 
to themselves. 

Keep your room as neat as possible, and leave no 
articles of dress or toilet around to give trouble to 
servants. 

A lady guest will not hesitate to make her own bed 
if few or no servants are kept ; and in the latter case 
she will do whatever else she can to lighten the labors 



74 ETIQUETTE OF VISITING. 

of her hostess as a return for the additional exertion 
her visit occasions. 

Invitations to Guests. 

Any invitation given to a lad} 7 guest should also 
include the hostess, and the guest is justified in de- 
clining to accept any invitation unless the hostess is 
also invited. Invitations received by the hostess 
should include the guest. Thus, at all places of amuse- 
ment and entertainment, guest and hostess may be 
together. 

Forbearance with Children. 

A guest should not notice nor find fault with the 
bad behavior of the children in the household where 
visiting, and should put up with any of their faults, 
and overlook any ill-bred or disagreeable actions on 
their part. 

Guests making Presents. 

If a guest wishes to make a present to any mem- 
ber of the family she is visiting, it should be to the 
hostess, or if to any of the children, to the youngest 
in preference, though it is usually better to give it to 
the mother. Upon returning home, when the guest 
writes to the hostess, she expresses her thanks for the 
hospitality, and requests to be remembered to the 
family. 

Treatment of a Host's Friends. 

If you are a guest, you must be very cautious as 
to the treatment of the friends of your host or hostess. 



ETIQUETTE OF VISITING. 75 

If you do not care to be intimate with them, you 
must be careful not to show a dislike for them, or 
that you wish to avoid them. You must be exceed- 
ingly polite and agreeable to them, avoiding any 
special familiarity, and keep them at a distance with- 
out hurting their feelings. Do not say to your host 
or hostess that you do not like any of their friends. 

Leavetaking. 

Upon taking leave, express the pleasure you have 
experienced in your visit. Upon returning home it is 
an act of courtesy to write and inform your friends 
of your safe arrival, at the same time repeating your 
thanks. 

A host and hostess should do all they can to make 
the visit of a friend agreeable ; they should urg;e him 
to stay as long as is consistent with his own plans, 
and at the same time convenient to themselves. But 
when the time for departure has been finally fixed 
upon, no obstacles should be placed in the way of 
leavetaking. Help him in every possible way to de- 
part, at the same time giving him a cordial invitation 
to renew the visit at some future period. 

" Welcome the coming, speed the parting, guest/' 

expresses the. true spirit of hospitality. 




CHAPTER VII. 

Tilling anfc SaHittg @>nvfo+ 

»N authentic writer upon visiting cards says : 
"To the unrefined or underbred, the visiting 
card is but a trifling and insignificant bit of 
paper; but to the cultured disciple of social 
law, it conveys a subtle and unmistakeable intelligence. 
Its texture, style of engraving, and even the hour of 
leaving it, combine to place the stranger, whose name 
it bears, in a pleasant or a disagreeable attitude, even 
before his manners, conversation and face have been 
able to explain his social position. The higher the 
civilization of a community, the more careful is it to 
preserve the elegance of its social forms. It is quite 
as easy to express a perfect breeding in the fashion- 
able formalities of cards, as by any other method, and 
perhaps, indeed, it is the safest herald of an introduc- 
tion for a stranger. Its texture should be fine, its 
engraving a plain script, its size neither too small, so 
that its recepients shall say to themselves, ' A whim- 
sical person,' nor too large to suggest ostentation. Re- 
finement seldom touches extremes in anything." 

(76) 



VISITING AND CALLING CARDS. 77 

Calling Cards. 

A card used in calling should have nothing upon 
it but the name of the caller. A lady's card should ■ 
not bear her place of residence ; such cards having, of 
late, been appropriated by members of the demi- 
monde. The street and number always look better 
upon the card of the husband than upon that of the 
wife. When necessary, they can be added in pencil 
on the cards of the wife and daughter. A business 
card should never be used for a friendly call. A 
physician may put the prefix " Dr.," or the affix 
" M. D.," upon his card, and an army or navy officer 
his rank and branch of service. 

Wedding Cards. 

Wedding cards are only sent to those people whom 
the newly married couple desire to keep among their 
acquaintances, and it is then the duty of those receiv- 
ing the cards to call first on the young couple, when 
within calling distance. 

Leaving Cards in Calls. 

In making a call, if the one called upon is not at 
home, leave your card. If the call is upon more than 
one member of the family, you turn down a corner 
of the card, which signifies that the call is intended 
for more than one member of the family. If the per- 
son you call upon has friends visiting her, leave one 
card for the family, and one for each visitor. 
6 



78 VISITING AND CALLING CARDS. 

Enclosing a Card in an Envelope. 

To return a call made in person with cards in- 
closed in an envelope, is an intimation that visiting 
between the parties is ended. Those who leave or 
send their cards with no such intention, should not 
inclose them in an envelope. An exception to this 
rule is where they are sent in return to the newly 
married living in other cities, or in answering wedding 
cards forwarded when absent from home. P. P. C. 
cards are also sent in this way, and are the only 
cards that it is as yet universally considered admis- 
sible to send by post. 

Size and Style of Visiting or Calling Cards. 

A medium sized is in better taste than a very 
large one for married persons. Cards bearing the 
name of the husband alone are smaller. The cards of 
unmarried men should also be small. The engraving 
in simple writing is preferred, and without nourishes. 
Nothing in cards can be more commonplace than 
large printed letters, be the type what it may. Young 
men should dispense with the " Mr." before their 
names. 

Card for Mother and Daughter. 

The names of young ladies are sometimes printed or 
engraved on their mother's cards ; both in script. It 
is, of course, allowable for the daughter to have cards 
of her own. 

Some ladies have adopted the fashion of having 



VISITING AND CALLING CARDS. 79 

the daughter's name on the same card with their own 
and their husband's names. 

Glazed Cards. 

Glazed cards are quite out of fashion, as are cards 
and note paper with gilt edges. The fashion in cards, 
however, changes so often, that what is in style one 
year, may not be the next. 

P. P. C. Cards. 

A card left at a farewell visit, before a long pro- 
tracted absence, has " P. P. C." (Pour Prendre Conge) 
written in one corner. It is not necessary to deliver 
such cards in person, for they may be sent by a 
messenger or by post if necessary. P. P. C. cards are 
not left when the absence from home is only for a 
few months, nor by persons starting in mid-summer 
for a foreign country, as residents are then supposed 
to be out of town. They are sent to or left with 
friends by ladies just previous to their contemplated 
marriage. 

Cards of Congratulation. 

Cards of congratulation must be left in person, or 
a congratulatory note, if desired, can be made to 
serve instead of a call; excepting upon the newly 
married. Calls in person are due to them, and to 
the parents who have invited you to the marriage. 
When there has been a reception after the ceremony, 
which vou have been unable to attend, but have 



80 VISITING AND CALLING CARDS. 

sent cards by some member of your family, your 
cards need not again represent you until they have 
been returned, with the new residence announced; 
but a call is due to the parents or relatives who 
have given the reception. When no wedding cards 
are sent you, nor the card of the bridegroom, you 
cannot call without being considered intrusive. One 
month after the birth of a child the call of congratu- 
lation is made by acquaintances. 

Leave Cards in Making First Calls. 

In making the first calls of the season (in the 
autumn) both ladies and gentlemen should leave a 
card each, at every house called upon, even if the 
ladies are receiving. The reason of this is that, 
where a lady receives morning calls, it would be too 
great a tax upon her memory to oblige her to keep 
in mind what calls she has to return or which 
of them have been returned, and in making out 
lists for inviting informally, it is often the card-stand 
which is first searched for bachelors' cards, to meet 
the emergency. Young men should be careful to 
write their street and number on their cards. 

Leave Cards after an Invitation. 

After an invitation, cards must be left upon those 
who have sent it, whether it is accepted or not. 
They must be left in person, and if it is desired to 
end the acquaintance the cards can be left without 
inquiring whether the ladies are at home. 



VISITING AND CALLING CARDS. 81 

Gentlemen should not expect to receive invita- 
tions from .ladies with whom they are only on 
terms of formal visiting, until the yearly or autum- 
nal call has been made, or until their cards have 
been made to represent themselves. 

Cards of Condolence. 

Cards of condolence left by mere acquaintances 
must be returned by " mourning cards " before such 
persons feel at liberty to make a call. When the 
bereaved are ready to receive the calls (instead of the 
cards) of their acquaintances, "mourning cards" in en- 
velopes, or otherwise, are returned to all those who 
have left their cards since the death, which was the 
occasion of the cards being left. Intimate friends, of 
course, do not wait for cards, but continue their 
calls, without regard to any ceremonious observances, 
made for the protection of the bereaved. Acquain- 
tances leaving cards should inquire after the health 
of the family, leaving the cards in person. 

A Bridegroom's Card. 

When only the family and the most intimate 
friends of a bride and bridegroom have been in- 
cluded in the invitation for the marriage, or where 
there has been no reception after the marriage at 
church, the bridegroom often sends his bachelor 
card (inclosed in an envelope) to those of his 
acquaintances with whom he wishes to continue on 



82 VISITING AND CALLING CARDS. 

visiting terms. They who receive a card should call 
on the bride, within ten days after she has taken 
possession of her home. Some persons have received 
such a card as an intimation that the card was to 
end the acquaintance. This mistake shows the 
necessity of a better understanding of social customs. 




CHAPTER VIII. 

HE character of a person is revealed by his 
conversation as much as by any one quality 
he possesses, for strive as he may, he can- 
not always be acting. 



Importance of Conversing Well. 

To be able to converse well is an attainment which 
should be cultivated by every intelligent man and 
woman. It is better to be a good talker than a good 
singer or musician, because the former is more widely 
appreciated, and the company of a person who is 
able to talk well on a great variety of subjects, is 
much sought atfer. The importance, therefore, of culti- 
vating the art of conversation, cannot easily be over- 
estimated. It should be the aim of every intelligent 
person to acquire the habit of talking sensibly and 
with facility upon all topics of general interest to 
society, so that they may both interest others and be 
themselves interested, in whatever company they may 

chance to be thrown. 

(83) 



84 CONVERSATION. 

Training Children. 

The training for this should be commenced in early 
childhood. Parents should not only encourage their 
children to express themselves freely upon everything 
that attracts their attention and interests them, but 
they should also incite their faculties of perception, 
memory and close observation, by requiring them to 
recount -everything, even to its minutest details, that 
they may have observed in walking to and from 
school, or in taking a ride in a carriage or in the cars. 
By training a child to a close observation of every- 
thing he meets or passes, his mind becomes very act- 
ive, and the habit having once been acquired, he 
becomes interested in a greater variety of objects ; 
sees more and enjoys more than one who has not 
been so trained. 

Cultivating the Memory, 

A good memory is an invaluable aid in acquiring 
the art of conversation, and the cultivation and train- 
ing of this faculty is a matter of importance. In 
early youth, is the proper time to begin this training, 
and parents and teachers should give special attention 
to the cultivation of memory. When children are 
taken to church, or to hear a lecture, they should be 
required to relate or to write down from memory, 
such a digest of the sermon or lecture as they can 
remember. Adults may also adopt this plan for cul- 
tivating the memory, and they will be surprised to 



CONVERSATION. 85 

see how continued practice in this will improve this 
faculty. The practice of taking notes impairs rather 
than aids the memory, for then a person relies almost 
entirely in the notes taken, and does not tax the 
memory sufficiently. A person should also train him- 
self to remember the names of persons whom he 
becomes acquainted with, so as to recall them when- 
ever or wherever he may subsequently meet them. 
It is related of a large wholesale boot and shoe mer- 
chant of an eastern city, that he was called upon one 
day by one of his best customers, residing in a dis- 
tant city, whom he had frequently met, but whose 
name, at the time, he could not recall, and received 
his order for a large bill of goods. As he was about 
to leave, the merchant asked his name, when the 
customer indignantly replied that he supposed he was 
known by a man from whom he had purchased goods 
for many years, and countermanding his order, he 
left the store, deaf to all attempts at explanation. 
Though this may be an extreme case, it illustrates 
the importance of remembering the names of people 
when circumstances require it. 

Henry Clay's Memory of Names. 

One secret of Henry Clay's popularity as a politi- 
cian was his faculty of remembering the names of per- 
sons he had met. It is said of him that if he was 
once introduced to a person, he was ever afterwards 
able to call him by name, and recount the circum- 
stances of their first meeting. This faculty he culti- 



86 CONVERSATION. 

vated after he entered upon the practice of law in 
Kentucky, and soon after he began his political life. 
At that time his memory for names was very poor, 
and he resolved to improve it. He adopted the 
practice, just before retiring at night, to recall the 
names of all the persons he had met during the day, 
write them in a note book, and repeat over the 
list the next morning. By this practice, he acquired, 
in time, his wonderful faculty in remembering the 
names of persons he had become acquainted with. 

Writing as an Aid to Correct Talking. 

To converse correctly — to use correct language in 
conversation — is also a matter of importance, and 
while this can be acquired by a strict attention to 
grammatical rules, it can be greatly facilitated by the 
habit of writing down one's thoughts. In writing, 
strict regard is, or should be, paid to the correct use 
of language, and when a person, from constant writ- 
ing, acquires the habit of using correct language, this 
habit will follow him in talking. A person who is 
accustomed to much writing, will always be found to 
use language correctly in speaking. 

Requisites for a Good Talker. 

To be a good talker, a person should be possessed 
of much general information, acquired by keen obser- 
vation, attentive listening, a good memory, extensive 
reading and study, logical habits of thought, and 
have a correct knowledge of the use of language. 



CONVERSATION. 87 

He should also aim at a clear intonation, well chosen 
phraseology and correct accent. These acquirements 
are within the reach of every person of ordinary 
ability, who has a determination to possess them, 
and the energy and perseverance to carry out that 
determination. 

Vulgarisms. 

In conversation, one must scrupulously guard 
against vulgarisms. Simplicity and terseness of lan- 
guage are the characteristics of a well educated and 
highly cultivated person. It is the uneducated or 
those who are but half educated, who use long words 
and high-sounding phrases. A hyperbolical way of 
speaking is mere flippancy, and should be avoided. 
Such phrases as " awfully pretty," " immensely jolly," 
" abominably stupid," " disgustingly mean," are of 
this nature, and should be avoided. Awkwardness of 
attitude is equally as bad as awkwardness of speech. 
Lolling, gesticulating, fidgeting, handling an eye-glass 
or watch chain and the like, give an air of gaucherie, 
and take off a certain percentage from the respect of 
others. 

Listening. 

The faculty of listening with interest and attention 
is one which should be specially cultivated. Even if 
the talker is prosy and prolix, the well bred person 
will appear interested, and at appropriate intervals 
make such remarks as shall show that he has heard 
and understood all that has been said. Some super- 



88 CONVERSATION. 

ficial people are apt to style this hypocrisy ; but if 
it is, it is certainly a commendable hypocrisy, direct- 
ly founded on that strict rule of good manners which 
commands us to show the same courtesy to others 
that we hope to receive ourselves. We are command- 
ed to check our impulses, conceal our dislikes, and 
even modify our likings whenever and whei^ver they 
are liable to give offence or pain to others. The per- 
son who turns away with manifest displeasure, dis- 
gust or 'want of interest when another is addressing 
him, is guilty not only of an ill-bred, but a cruel act. 

Flippancy. 

In conversation all provincialisms, affectations of 
foreign accents, mannerisms, exaggerations and slang 
are detestable. Equally to be avoided are inaccuracies 
of expressions, hesitation, an undue use of foreign 
words, and anything approaching to flippancy, coarse- 
ness, triviality or provocation. Gentlemen sometimes 
address ladies in a very flippant manner, which the 
latter are obliged to pass over without notice, for var- 
ious reasons, while inwardly they rebel. Many a 
worthy man has done himself an irreparable injury 
by thus creating a lasting prejudice in the minds of 
those whom he might have made his friends, had he 
addressed them as though he considered them rational 
beings, capable of sustaining their part in a conversa- 
tion upon sensible subjects. The flippancy is as much 
an evidence of ill-breeding as is the perpetual smile, 
the wandering eye, the vacant stare, and the half- 



CONVERSATION. 89 

opened mouth of the man who is preparing to break 
in upon the conversation. 

Be Sympathetic and Animated. 

Do not go into society unless you make up your 
mind to be sympathetic, unselfish, animating, as well 
animated. Society does not require mirth, but it 
does demand cheerfulness and unselfishness, and you 
must help to make and sustain cheerful conversation. 
The matter of conversation is as important as the 
manner. 

Compliments. 

Compliments are said by some to be inadmissible. 
But between equals, or from those of superior posi- 
tion to those of inferior station, compliments should 
be not only acceprable but gratifying. It is pleasant 
to know that our friends think well of us, and it is 
always agreeable to know that we are thought well 
of by those who hold higher positions, such as men 
of superior talent, or women of superior culture. 
Compliments which are not sincere are only flattery 
and should be avoided ; but the saying of kind 
things, which is natural to the kind heart, and which 
confers pleasure should be cultivated, at least not 
suppressed. Those parents who strive most for the 
best mode of training their children are said to have 
found that it is never wise to censure them for a 
fault, without preparing the way by some judicious 
mention of their good qualities. 



90 CONVERSATION, 

Slang. 

All slang is vulgar. It lowers the tone of society 
and the standard of thought. It is a great mistake 
to suppose that slang is any way witty. Only the 
very young or the uncultivated so consider it. 

Flattery. 

Do not be guilty of flattery. The flattery of 
those richer than ourselves or better born is vulgar, 
and born of snobbism, and is sure to be received as 
emanating from unworthy motives. Testify your 
respect, your admiration, your gratitude to such by 
deeds more than by words. Words are easy but 
deeds are difficult. Few will believe the first, but 
the last will carry confirmation with them. 

Scandal and Gossip. 

Scandal is the least excusable of all conversational 
vulgarities. Envy prompts the tongue of the slan- 
derer. Jealousy is the disturber of the harmony of 
all interests. A writer on this subject says : " Gossip 
is a troublesome sort of insect that only buzzes about 
your ears and never bites deep; slander is the beast 
of prey that leaps upon you from his den and tears 
you in pieces. Slander is the proper object of rage ; 
gossip of contempt." Those who best understand the 
nature of gossip and slander, if the victims of both, 
will take no notice of the former, but will allow no 
slander of themselves to go unrefuted during their 



CONVERSATION. 91 

lifetime, to spring up in a hydra-headed attack upon 
their children. No woman can be too sensitive as to 
any charges affecting her moral character, whether in 
the influence of her companionship, or in the influence 
of her writings. 

Religion and Politics. 

Religion and politics are topics that should never 
be introduced into general conversation, for they are 
subjects dangerous to harmony. Persons are most 
likely to differ, and least likely to preserve their 
temper on these topics. Long arguments in general 
company, however entertaining to the disputants, 
.are very tiresome to the hearers. 

Satire and Ridicule. 

Young persons appear ridiculous when satirizing 
or ridiculing books, people or things. Opinions to be 
worth the consideration of others should have the 
advantage of coming from mature persons. Cultivated 
people are not in the habit of resorting to such 
weapons as satire and ridicule. They find too much 
to correct in themselves, to indulge in coarse censure 
of the conduct of others, who may not had advan- 
tages equal to their own. 

Titles. 

In addressing persons with titles always add the 
name as '"what do you think of it, Doctor Hayes?" 
not "what do you think of it, Doctor?" In speaking 



92 CONVERSATION. 

of foreigners the reverse of the English rule is 
observed. No matter what the title of a Frenchman 
is, he is always addressed as Monsieur, and you 
never omit the word Madame, whether addressing a 
duchess or a dressmaker. The former is " Madame la 
Duchesse" the latter plain " Madame." Always give a 
foreigner his title. If General Sherman travels in 
Europe and is received by the best classes with the 
dignity that his worth, culture and position as an 
American general demands, he will never be called 
Mr. Sherman, but his title will invariably precede his 
name. There are persons who fancy that the omis- 
sion of the title is annoying to the party who 
possesses it, but this is not the ground taken why 
the title should be given, but because it reveals either 
ignorance or ill-breeding on the part of those omitting 

it. 

Christian Names. 

There is a class of persons, who from ignorance of 
the customs of good society, or from carelessness, 
speak of persons by their Christian names, who are 
neither relations nor intimate friends. This is a 
familiarity which, outside of the family circle, and 
beyond friends of the closest intimacy, is never 
indulged in by the well-bred. 

Interruption. 

Interruption of the speech of others is a great sin 
against good breeding. It has been aptly said that if 
you interrupt a speaker in the middle of a sentence, 



CONVERSATION. 93 

you act almost as rudely as if, when walking with a 
companion, you were to thrust yourself before him 
and stop his progress. 

Adaptability in Conversation. 

The great secret of talking well is to adapt your 
conversation, as skillfully as may be, to your com- 
pany. Some men make a point of talking common- 
places to all ladies alike, as if a woman could only 
be a trifler. Others, on the contrary seem to forget 
in what respects the education of a lady differs from 
that of a gentleman, and commit the opposite error 
of conversing on topics with which ladies are seldom 
acquainted, and in which few, if any, are ever 
interested. A woman of sense has as much right to 
be annoyed by the one, as a woman of ordinary 
education by the other. If you really wish to be 
thought agreeable, sensible, amiable, unselfish and 
even well informed, you should lead the way, in 
tete a tete conversations for sportsmen to talk of their 
shooting, a mother to talk of her children, a traveler 
of his journeys and the countries he has visited, a 
young lady of her last ball and the prospective ones, 
an artist of his picture and an author of his book- 
To show any interest in the immediate concerns of 
people is very complimentary, and when not in 
general society one is privileged to do this. People 
take more interest in their own affairs than in any 
thing else you can name, and if you manifest an 
interest to hear, there are but few who will not sus- 
7 



94 CONVERSATION. 

tain conversation by a narration of these affairs in 
some form or another. Thackeray says : " Be in- 
terested by other people and by their affairs. It is 
because you yourself are selfish that that other 
person's self does not interest you." 

Correct Use of Words. 

The correct use of words is indispensable to a 
good talker who would escape the unfavorable criti- 
cism of an educated listener. There are many words 
and phrases, used in some cases by persons who 
have known better, but who have become careless 
from association with others who make constant use 
of them. " Because tha.t " and " but that " should 
never be used in connection, the word " that " being 
entirely superfluous. The word " vocation " is often 
used for " avocation. " Unhealthy food is spoken of 
when it should be " unwholesome." "-Had not ought 
to " is sometimes heard for " ought not to ; " " banis- 
ter " for "baluster;" "handsful " and "spoonsful" 
for "handfuls" and "spoonfuls;" "it was him" for 
"it was he;" "it was me" for "it was I;" "whom 
do you think was there?" for "who do you think 
was there?"; "a mutual friend" for "a common 
friend ;" " like I did " instead of " as I did ;" " those 
sort of things " instead of " this sort of thing ;" " lay- 
ing down " for lying down ;" " setting on a chair " for 
sitting on a chair ;" " try and make him " instead of 
" try to make him ;" "she looked charmingly " for 
" she looked charming ;" " loan " for " lend ;" " to get 



CONVERSATION. 95 

along " instead of " to get on ;" " Cupalo " instead of 
" Cupola ;" " who " for " whom " — as, " who did you 
see " for " whom did you see ;" double negatives, as, 
" he did not do neither of those things ;" " lesser " for 
" least ;" u move " instead of " remove ;" " off-set " in- 
stead of " set off, and many other words which are 
often carelessly used by those who have been better 
taught, as well as by those who are ignorant of their 
proper use. 

Speaking One's Mind. 

Certain honest but unthinking people often commit 
the grievous mistake of " speaking their mind " on all 
occasions and under all circumstances, and oftentimes 
to the great mortification of their hearers. And 
especially do they take credit to themselves for their 
courage, if their freedom of speech happens to give 
offense to any of them. A little reflection ought to 
show how cruel and unjust this is. The law restrains 
us from inflicting bodily injury upon those with 
whom we disagree, yet there is no legal preventive 
against this wounding of the feelings of others. 

Unwise Expression of Opinion. 

Another class of people, actuated by the best of 
intentions, seem to consider it a duty to parade their 
opinions upon all occasions, and in all places without 
reflecting that the highest truth will suffer from an 
unwise and over-zealous advocacy. Civility requires 
that we give to the opinions of others the same toler- 
ation that we exact for our own, and good sense 



96 CONVERSATION. 

should cause us to remember that we are never likely 
to convert a person to our views when we begin by 
violating his notions of propriety and exciting his 
prejudices. A silent advocate of a cause is always 
better than an indiscreet one. 

Profanity. 

No gentleman uses profane language. It is unnec- 
essary to add that no gentleman will use profane 
language in the presence of a lady. For profanity 
there is no excuse. It is a low and paltry habit, 
acquired from association with low and paltry spirits, 
who possess no sense of honor, no regard for decency 
and no reverence or respect for beings of a higher 
moral or religious nature than themselves. The man 
who habitually uses profane language, lowers his 
moral tone with every oath he utters. Moreover, the 
silliness of the practice, if no other '• reason, should 
prevent its use by every man of good sense. 

Public Mention of Private Matters. 

Do not- parade merely private matters before a 
public or mixed assembly or to acquaintances If 
strangers really wish to become informed about you 
or your affairs, they will find the means to gratify 
their curiosity without your advising them gratuit- 
ously. Besides, personal and family affairs, no mat- 
ter how interesting they may be to the parties imme- 
diately concerned, are generally of little moment to 
outsiders. Still less will the well-bred person inquire 



CONVERSATION. 97 

into or narrate the private affairs of any other family 
or individual. 

Ostentatious, Display of Knowledge. 

In refined and intelligent society one should always 
display himself at his best, and make a proper and 
legitimate use of all such acquirements as he may 
happen to have. But there should be no ostentatious 
or pedantic show of erudition. Besides being vulgar, 
such a show subjects the person to ridicule. 

Prudery. 

Avoid an affectation of excessive modesty. Do not 
use the word " limb "for " leg." If legs are really 
improper, then let us on no account mention them. 
But having found it necessary to mention them, let 
us by all means give them their appropriate name- 

Double Entendres. 

No person of decency, still less delicacy, will be 
guilty of a double entendre. A well-bred person always 
refuses to understand a phrase of doubtful meaning. 
If the phrase may be interpreted decently, and with 
such interpretation would provoke a smile, then smile 
to just the degree called for by such interpretation, 
and no more. The prudery which sits in solemn and 
severe rebuke at a double entendre is only second in 
indelicacy to the indecency which grows hilarious 
over it, since both must recognize the evil intent. It 
is sufficient to let it pass unrecognized. 



98 CONVERSATION. 

Indelicate Words and Expressions. 

Not so when one hears an indelicate word or ex- 
pression, which allows of no possible harmless inter- 
pretation. Then not the shadow of a smile should 
flit across the lips. Either complete silence should 
be preserved in return, or the words, "I do not un- 
derstand you," be spoken. A lady will always fail 
to hear that which she should not hear, or, having 
unmistakably heard, she will not understand. 

Vulgar Exclamations. 

No lady should make use of any feminine substi- 
tute for profanity. The woman who exclaims " The 
dickens ! " or " Mercy i ' or " Goodness ! " when she is 
annoyed or astonished, is as vulgar in spirit, though 
perhaps not quite so regarded by society, as though 
she had used expressions which it would require but 
little stretch of the imagination to be regarded as 
profane. 

Wit. 

You may be witty and amusing if you like, or 
rather if you can ; but never use your wit at the ex- 
pense of others. 

Display of Emotions. 

Avoid all exhibitions of temper before others, if 
you find it impossible to suppress them entirely. 
All emotions, whether of grief or jioy, should be sub- 



CONVERSATION. 99 

dued in public, and only allowed full play in the 
privacy of your own apartments. 

Impertinent Questions. 

Never ask impertinent questions. Some authori- 
ties in etiquette even go so far as to say that all 
questions are strictly tabooed. Thus, if you wished 
to inquire after the health of. the brother of your 
friend, you would say, " I hope your brother is well," 
not, " How is your brother's health ? " 

The Confidence of Others. 

Never try to force yourself into the confidence of 
others ; but if they give you their confidence of their 
own free will, let nothing whatever induce you to 
betray it. Never seek to pry into a secret, and never 
divulge one. 

Use of Foreign Language. 

Do not form the habit of introducing words and 
phrases of French or other foreign languages into 
common conversation. This is only allowable in 
writing, and not then except when the foreign word 
or phrase expresses more clearly and directly than 
English can do the desired meaning. In familiar 
conversation this is an affectation, only pardonable 
when all persons present are particularly familiar 
with the language. 

Pretenses. 

Avoid all pretense at gentility. Pass for what you 



100 CONVERSATION. 

are, and nothing more. If you are obliged to make 
any little economies, do not be ashamed to acknowl- 
edge them as economies if it becomes necessary to 
speak of them at all. If you keep no carriage, do 
not be over-solicitous to impress upon your friends that 
the sole reason for this deficiency is because you prefer 
to walk. Do not be ashamed of poverty ; but, on the 
other hand, do not flaunt its rags unmercifully in the 
faces of others. It is best to say nothing about it either 
in excuse or defense. 

Dogmatic Style of Speaking. 

Never speak dogmatically or with an assumption 
of knowledge or information beyond that of those 
with whom you are conversing. Even if you are 
conscious of this superiority, a proper and becoming 
modesty will lead you to conceal it as far as pos- 
sible, that you may not put to shame or humiliation 
those less fortunate than yourself. If they discover 
your superiority of their own accord, they will have 
much more admiration for you than though you 
forced the recognition upon them. If they do not 
discover it, you cannot force it upon their percep- 
tions, and they will only hold you in contempt for 
trying to do so. Besides, there is the possibility that 
you over-estimate yourself, and instead of being a 
wise man you are only a self-sufficient fool. 

Faultfinding. 
Do not be censorious or faultfinding. Long and 



CONVERSATION. 101 

close friendship may sometimes excuse one friend in 
reproving or criticising another, but it must always be 
done in the kindest and gentlest manner, and in nine 
cases out of ten had best be left undone. When one 
is inclined to be censorious or critical, it is well to 
remember the scriptural injunction, " First cast the 
..beam out of thine own eye, and then shalt thou see 
clearly to cast the mote out of thy brother's eye." 

Conversing with Ladies. 

A gentleman should never lower the intellectual 
standard of his conversation in addressing ladies. 
Pay them the compliment of seeming to consider 
them capable of an equal understanding with gentle- 
men. You will, no doubt, be somewhat surprised to 
find in how many cases the supposition will be 
grounded on fact, and in the few instances where it 
is not, the ladies will be pleased rather than offended 
at the delicate compliment you pay them. When 
you u come down " to commonplace or small-talk 
with an intelligent lady, one of two things is the 
consequence : she either recognizes the condescension 
and despises you, or else she accepts it as the high- 
est intellectual effort of which you are capable, and 
rates you accordingly. 

Hobbies. 

People with hobbies are at once the easiest and 
most difficult persons with whom to engage in con- 
versation. On general subjects they are idealess and 



102 CONVERSATION. 

voiceless beyond monosyllables. But introduce their 
special hobby, and if you choose you need only to 
listen. There is much profit to be derived from the 
conversation of these persons. They will give you a 
clearer idea of the aspects of any subject or theory 
which they may have taken to heart, than you could 
perhaps gain in any other way. ♦ 

The too constant riding of hobbies is not, however, 
to be specially recommended. An individual, though 
he may be pardoned in cultivating special tastes, 
should yet be possessed of sufficiently broad and 
general information to be able to converse intelligently 
on all subjects, and he should, as far as possible, 
reserve his hobby-riding for exhibition before those 
who ride hobbies similar to his own. 

Things to be Avoided. 

It must be remembered that a social gathering- 
should never be made the arena of a dispute. Conse- 
quently every subject liable to provoke a discussion 
should be avoided. Even slight inacuracy in state- 
ment of facts or opinions should rarely be remarked 
on in conversation. 

Do not permit yourself to lose your temper in 
society, nor show that you have taken offence at a 
supposed slight. 

If anyone should assume a disagreeable tone of 
voice or offensive manner toward you, never return it 
in company, and above all, do not adopt the same 
style of conversation with him. Appear not to notice 



COX VERSA TION. 103 

it, and generally it will be discontinued, as it will be 
seen that it has failed in its object. 

Avoid all coarseness and undue familiarity in ad- 
dressing others. A person who makes himself offens- 
ively familiar will have few friends. 

Never attack the characters of others in their absence; 
and if you hear others attacked, say what you can 
consistently to defend them. 

If you are talking on religious subjects, avoid all 
cant. Cant words and phrases may be used in good 
faith from the force of habit, but their use subjects 
the speaker to a suspicion of insincerity. 

Do not ask the prices of articles you observe, ex- 
cept from intimate friends, and then very quietly, 
and only for some good reason. 

Do not appear to notice an error in language, 
either in pronunciation or grammar, made by the per- 
son with whom you are conversing, and do not repeat 
correctly the same word or phrase. This would be 
as ill-bred as to correct it when spoken. 

Mimicry is ill-bred, and must be avoided. 

Sneering at the private affairs of others has long 
ago been banished from the conversation of well- 
mannered people. 

Never introduce unpleasant topics, nor describe 
revolting scenes in general company. 

Never give officious advice. Even when sought 
for, give advice sparingly. 

Never, directly or indirectly, refer to the affairs of 
others, which it may give them pain in any degree 
to recall. 



104 CONVERSATION. 

Never hold your companion in conversation by 
the button-hole. If you are obliged to detain him 
forcibly in order to say what you wish, you are 
pressing upon him what is disagreeable or unwelcome, 
and you commit a gross breach of etiquette in so doing. 

Especially avoid contradictions, interruptions and 
monopolizing all conversation yourself. These faults 
are all intolerable and very offensive. 

To speak to one person in a company in ambigu- 
ous terms, understood by him alone, is as rude as if 
you had whispered in his ear. 

Avoid stale and trite remarks on commonplace 
subjects ; also all egotism and anecdotes of personal 
adventure and exploit, unless it should be called out 
by persons you are conversing with. 

To make a classical quotation in a mixed company 
is considered pedantic and out of place, as is also 
an ostentatious display of your learning, 

A gentleman should avoid talking about his busi- 
ness or profession, unless such "matters are drawn 
from him by the person with whom he is conversing. 
It is in bad taste, particularly, to employ technical or 
professional terms in general conversation. 

Long arguments or neated discussions are apt to 
be tiresome to others, and should be avoided. 

It is considered extremely ill-bred for two persons 
to whisper in society, or to converse in a language 
with which all persons are not familiar. 

Avoid talking too much, and do not inflict upon 
your hearers interminably long stories, in which they 
can have but little interest. 



CHAPTER IX. 

Dittttsr JntAm* 




TNNERS are generally looked upon as enter- 
tainments for married people and the middle- 
aged, but it is often desirable to have some 
young unmarried persons among the guests. 

Whom to Invite. 

Those invited should be of the same standing in 
society. They need not necessarily be friends, nor 
even acquaintances, but, at a dinner, as people come 
into closer contact than at a dance, or any other kind 
of a party, those only should be invited to meet one 
another who move in the same class of circles. Care 
must, of course, be taken that those whom you think 
agreeable to each other are placed side by side 
around the festive board. Good talkers are invaluable 
at a dinner party — people who have fresh ideas and 
plenty of warm words to clothe them in; but good 
listeners are equally invaluable. 

Invitations. 

Invitations to dinner parties are not usually sent 

(105) 



106 DINNER PARTIES. 

by post, in cities, and are only answered by post 
where the distance is such as to make it inconveni- 
ent to send the note by hand. They are issued in 
the name of the gentleman and lady of the house, 
from two to ten days in advance. They should be 
answered as soon as received, without fail, as it is 
necessary that the host and hostess 'should know who 
are to be their guests. If the invitation is accepted, 
the engagement should on no account be lightly 
broken. This rule is a binding one, as the non-arrival 
of an expected guest produces disarrangement of 
plans. Gentlemen cannot be invited without their 
wives, where other ladies than those of the family are 
present; nor ladies without their husbands, when 
other ladies are invited with their husbands. This 
rule has no exceptions. No more than three out of a 
family should be invited, unless the dinner party is a 
very large one. ' 

Manner of Writing Invitations. 

The invitations should be written on small note- 
paper, which may have the initial letter or monogram 
stamped upon it, but good taste forbids anything 
more. The envelope should match the sheet of paper. 
The invitation should be issued in the name of the 
host and hostess. The form of invitation should be 
as follows : 

" Mr. and Mrs. Porter request the pleasure of Mr. 
and Mrs. Barton's company at dinner on Thursday, 
the 13th of October, at 5 o'clock." 



DINNER PARTIES. 107 

An answer should be returned at once, so that if 
the invitation is declined the hostess may modify her 
arrangements accordingly. 

Invitation Accepted. 

An acceptance may be given in the following form : 

" Mr. and Mrs. Barton have much pleasure in ac- 
cepting Mr. and Mrs. Porter's invitation for October 
13th." 

Invitation Declined. 

The invitation is declined in the following manner : 

" Mr. and Mrs. Barton regret that a previous en- 
gagement (or whatever the cause may be) prevents 
them having the pleasure of accepting Mr. and Mrs. 
Porter's invitation at dinner for October 13th." 

Or, 

" Mr. and Mrs. Barton regret extremely that owing 
to (whatever the preventing cause may be), they can- 
not have the pleasure of dining with Mr. and Mrs. 
Porter on Thursday, October 13th." 

Whatever the cause for declining may be, it should 
be stated briefly, yet plainly, that there may be no oc- 
casion for misunderstanding or hard feelings. 

Invitation to Tea-party. 

The invitation to a tea-party may be less formal. 

It may take the form of a friendly note, something in 

this manner : 

" Dear Miss Summer : 

" We have some friends coming to drink tea with 
us to-morrow : will you give us the pleasure of your 



108 DINNER PARTIES. 

company also ? We hope you will not disappoint 

us." 

Failing to Fill an Engagement. 

When it becomes absolutely necessary to break an 
engagement once made for dinner or tea, a note must 
be sent at once to the hostess and host, with full ex- 
planation of the cause, so that your place may be 
supplied, if possible. 

Punctuality. 

The hours most generally selected in cities is after 
business hours, or from five to eight o'clock. In the 
country or villages it may be an hour or two earlier. 
To be punctual at the hour mentioned is obligatory. 
If you are too early you are in the way; if too late 
you annoy the hostess, cause impatience among the 
assembled guests, and perhaps spoil the dinner. Fif- 
teen minutes is the longest time required to wait for 
a tardy guest. 

The Success of a Dinner. 

A host and hostess generally judge of the success 
of a dinner by the manner in which conversation has 
been sustained. If it has flagged often, it is considered 
proof that the guests have not been congenial ; but if 
a steady stream of talk has been kept up, it shows 
that they have smoothly amalgamated, as a whole. 
No one should monopolize conversation, unless he 
wishes to win for himself the appeallation of a bore, 
and to be avoided as such. 



DINNER PARTIES. 109 

The Table Appointments. 

A snow-white cloth of the finest damask, beauti- 
ful china, glistening, or finely engraved glass, and 
polished plate are considered essential to a grand 
dinner. Choice flowers, ferns and mosses tastefully 
arranged add much to the beauty of the table. A 
salt-cellar should be within reach of every guest. 
Napkins should be folded square and placed with a 
roll of bread upon each plate. The dessert is placed 
on the table amidst the flowers. An epergne, or a low 
dish of flowers, graces the centre ; stands of bon-bons 
and confectionery are ranged, on both sides of the 
table, which complete the decorations of the table. 
The name of each guest, written upon a card and 
placed one on each plate, marks the seat assigned. 

Assigning Partners for Dinner. 

The number at a dinner should not be less than 
six, nor more than twelve or fourteen. Then the 
host will be able to designate to each gentleman the 
lady whom he is to conduct to the table ; but when 
the number exceeds this limit it is a good plan to 
to have the name of each couple written upon a 
card and enclosed in an addressed envelope, ready to 
be handed to the gentlemen by the servant, before 
entering the drawing-room, or left on a tray for the 
guests to select those which bear their names. 

If a gentleman finds upon his card the name of 
a lady with whom he is unacquainted, he requests 
8 



HO DINNER PARTIES. 

the host to present him immediately after he has 
spoken with the hostess, also to any members of the 
family with whom he is not acquainted. 

Introductions. 

All the guests should secure introductions to the 
one for whom the dinner is given. If two persons, 
unknown to each other, find themselves placed side 
by side at a table, they enter conversation without 
an introduction. 

Arrangement op Guests at the Table. 

When dinner is announced, the host offers his 
right arm to the lady he is to escort to the table. 
The others follow, arm in arm, the hostess being the 
last to leave the drawing-room. Age should take the 
precedence in proceeding from the drawing-room to 
the dining-room, the younger falling back until the 
older have advanced. The host escorts the oldest 
lady or the greatest stranger, or if there be a bride 
present, precedence is given to her, unless the dinner 
is given for another person, in which case he escorts 
the latter. The hostess is escorted either by the 
greatest stranger, or some gentleman whom she wishes 
to place in the seat of honor, which is at her right. 
The host places the lady whom he escorts at his 
right. The seats of the host and hostess may be in the 
middle and at opposite sides of the table or at the 
opposite ends. Husbands should not escort their 
wives, nor brothers their sisters, as this partakes of 
the nature of a family gathering. 



DINNER PARTIES. HI 

Dinner a la Russe. 

The latest and most satisfactory plan for serving 

dinners is the dinner a la Russe, (the Russian style) 

— all the food being placed upon a side table, 

and servants do the carving and waiting. This style 

gives an opportunity for more profuse ornamentation 

of the table, which, as the meal progresses,, does not 

become encumbered with partially empty dishes and 

platters. 

Duties of Servants. 

The servants commence, in passing the dishes, one 
upon the right of the host and one upon the right 
of the hostess. A master or mistress should never 
censure the servants at dinner, however things 
may go wrong. Servants should wear thin-soled 
shoes that their steps may be noiseless, and if they 
should use napkins in serving (as is the English 
custom) instead of gloves, their hands and nails 
should be faultlessly clean. A good servant is never 
awkward. He avoids coughing, breathing hard or 
treading on a lady's dress; never lets any article 
drop, and deposits plates, glasses, knives, forks and 
spoons noiselessly. It is considered good form for a 
servant not to wear gloves in waiting at table, but to 
use a damask napkin, with one corner wrapped 
around the thumb, that he may not touch the plates 
and dishes with the naked hand. 

Soup. 
Soup is the first course. All should accept it even 



! 
112 DINNER PARTIES. 

if they let it remain untouched, because it is better 
to make a pretense of eating until the next course is 
served, than to sit waiting, or compel the servants to 
serve one before the rest. Soup should not be called 
for a second time. A soup-plate should never be 
tilted for the last spoonful. 

Fish. 

Fish follows soup and must be eaten with a fork, 
unless fish knives are provided. If fish knives are not 
provided, a piece of bread in the left hand answers 
the purpose as well, with the fork in the right hand. 
Fish may be declined, but must not be called for a 
second time. 

The Side Dishes. 

After soup and fish come the side dishes, which 
must be eaten with the fork, though the knife is used 
in cutting meats and anything too hard for a fork. 

General Rules Regarding Dinner. 

When- the plate of each course is set before you, 
with the knife and fork upon it, remove the knife and 
fork at once. This matter should be carefully attend- 
ed to, as the serving of an entire course is delayed by 
neglecting to remove them. 

Greediness should not be indulged in. Indecision 
must be avoided. Do not take up one piece and lay 
it down in favor of another, or hesitate. 

Never allow the servant, or the one who pours, to 
fill your glass with wine that you do not wish to 



DINNER PARTIES. 113 

drink. You can check him by touching the rim of 
your glass. 

Cheese is eaten with a fork and not with a knife. 

If you have occasion to speak to a servant, wait 
until you can catch his eye, and then ask in a low 
tone for what you want. 

The mouth should always be kept closed in eat- 
ing, and both eating and drinking should be noiseless. 

Bread is broken at dinner. Vegetables are eaten 
with a fork. 

Asparagus can be taken up with the fingers, if pre- 
ferred. Olives and artichokes are always so eaten. 

Fruit is eaten with silver knives and forks. 

You are at liberty to refuse a dish that you do 
not wish to eat. If any course is set down before 
you that you do not wish, do not touch it. Never 
play with food, nor mince your bread, nor handle 
the glass and silver near you unnecessarily. 

Never reprove a waiter for negligence or improper 
conduct ; that is the business of the host. 

When a dish is offered you, accept or refuse at 
once, and allow the waiter to pass on. A gentleman 
will see that the lady whom he has escorted to the 
table is helped to all she wishes, but it is officiousness 
to offer to help other ladies who have escorts. 

If the guests pass the dishes to one another, in- 
stead of being helped by a servant, you should al- 
ways help yourself from the dish, if you desire it at 
all, before passing it on to the next. 

A knife should never, on any account, be put into 



114 DINNER PARTIES. 

the mouth. Many people, even well-bred in other 
respects, seem to regard this as an unnecessary re- 
gulation; but when we consider that it is a rule of 
etiquette, and that its violation causes surprise and 
disgust to many peole, it is wisest to observe it. 

Be careful to remove the bones from fish before 
eating it. If a bone inadvertently should get into the 
mouth, the lips must be covered with the napkin in 
removing it. Cherry stones and grape skins should 
be removed from the mouth as unobtrusively as pos- 
sible, and deposited on the side of the plate. 

Never use a napkin in place of a handkerchief 
for wiping the forehead, face or nose. 

Pastry should be eaten with a fork. Every thing 
that can be cut without a knife should be eaten with 
the fork alone. Pudding may be eaten with a fork 
or spoon. 

Never lay your hand, or play with your fingers, 
upon the table. Do not toy with your knife, fork or 
spoon, make crumbs of your bread, nor draw imagi- 
nary lines upon the table cloth. 

Never bite fruit. An apple, peach or pear should 
be peeled with a knife, and all fruit should be broken 
or cut. 

Waiting on Others. 

If a gentleman is seated by the side of a lady or 
elderly person, politeness requires him to save them 
all trouble of procuring for themselves anything to eat 
or drink, and of obtaining whatever they are in want 



DINNER PARTIES. 115 

of at the table, and he should be eager to offer them 
what he thinks may be most to their taste. 

Praising Dishes. 

A hostess should not express pride regarding what 

is on her table, nor make apologies if everything she 

offers you is not to her satisfaction. It is much better 

that she should observe silence in this respect, and 

allow her guests to eulogize her dinner or not, as they 

deem proper. Neither is it in good taste to urge 

guests to eat, nor to load their plates against their 

inclination. 

Monopolizing Conversation. 

For one or two persons to monopolize a conversa- 
tion which ought to be general, is exceedingly rude. 
If the dinner party is a large one, you may converse 
with those near you, raising the voice only loud 
enough to be distinctly heard by the persons you are 
talking with. 

Picking Teeth at the Table. 

It is a mark of rudeness to pick your teeth at the 
table, and it should always be avoided. To hold 
your hand or napkin over your mouth does not avoid 
the rudeness of the act, but if it becomes a matter of 
necessity to remove some obstacle from between the 
teeth, then your open mouth should be concealed by 
your hand or napkin. 

Selecting a Particular Dish. 
Never express a preference for any dish or any 



116 DINNER PARTIES. 

particular portion of a fowl or of meat, unless re- 
quested to do so, and then answer promptly, that no 
time may be wasted in serving you and others after 
you. 

Duties of Hostess and Host. 

Tact and self-possession are demanded of the host- 
ess, in order that she may perform her duties agree- 
ably, which are not onerous. She should instruct her 
servants not to remove her plate until her guests 
have finished. If she speaks of any omission by 
which her servants have inconvenienced her guests, 
she must do it with dignity, not betraying any undue 
annoyance. She must put all her guests at their ease, 
and pay every possible attention to the requirements 
of each and all around her. No accident must dis- 
turb her; no disappointment embarrass her. If her 
precious china and her rare glass are broken before 
her eyes, she must seem to take but little or no notice 
of it. 

The host must aid the hostess in her efforts. He 
should have ease and frankness of manner, a calmness 
of temper that nothing can ruffle, and a kindness of 
disposition that can never be exhausted. He must 
encourage the timid, draw out the silent and direct 
conversation rather than sustain it himself. 

No matter what may go wrong, a hostess should 
never seem to notice it to the annoyance of her 
guests. By passing it over herself, it will very fre- 
quently escape the attention of others. If her guests 
arrive late, she should welcome them as cordially as 



DINNER PARTIES. 117 

if they had come early, but she will commit a rude- 
ness to those who have arrived punctually, if she 
awaits dinner for tardy guests for more than the fif- 
teen minutes of grace prescribed by custom. 

Retiring from the Table. 

When the hostess sees that all have finished, she 
looks at the lady who is sitting at the right of the 
host, and the company rise, and return in the order 
they are seated, without precedence. After retiring to 
the drawing-room, the guests should intermingle in a 
social manner. It is expected that the guests will re- 
main from one to three hours after dinner. 

Accepting Hospitality a Sign of Good Will. 

As eating with another under his own roof is in 
all conditions of society regarded as a sign of good- 
will, those who partake of proffered hospitalities, 
only to gossip about and abuse their host and host- 
ess, should remember, that in the opinion of all hon- 
orable persons, they injure themselves by doing so. 

Calls After a Dinner Party. 

Calls should be made shortly after a dinner party 
by all who have been invited, whether the invitation 
was accepted or not. 

Returning Hospitality. 

Those who are in the habit of giving dinner 
parties, should return the invitation before another is 



118 DINNER PARTIES. 

extended to them. Society is very severe upon those 
who do not return debts of hospitality, if they have 
the means to do so. If they never entertain anyone 
because of limited means, or for other good reasons, 
it is so understood, and it is not expected that they 
should make exceptions ; or if they are in the habit 
of giving other entertainments and not dinners, their 
debts of hospitality can be returned by invitations to 
whatever the entertainment may be. Some are de- 
terred from accepting invitations by the feeling that 
they cannot return the hospitality in as magnificent 
a form. It is not the costly preparations, nor the 
expensive repast offered which are the most agreeable 
features of any invitation, but it is the kind and 
friendly feeling shown. Those who are not deterred 
from accepting such invitations for this reason, and 
who enjoy the fruits of friendliness thus shown them, 
must possess narrow views of their duty, and very 
little self-respect, if, when an opportunity presents 
itself in any way to reciprocate the kind feeling mani- 
fested, they fail to avail themselves of it. True hos- 
pitality, however, neither expects nor desires any re- 
turn. 

Expensive Dinners not the Most Enjoyable. 

It is a mistake to think that in giving a dinner, 
it is indispensable to have certain dishes and a variety 
of wines, because others serve them. Those who en- 
tertain constantly often use their own discretion, and 
never feel obliged to do as others do, if they wish to 



DINNER PARTIES. 119 

do differently. Some of the most enjoyable dinners 
given are those which are least expensive. It is this 
general feeling that people cannot entertain without 
committing all sorts of extravagances, which causes 
many persons, in every way well qualified to do in- 
calculable good socially, to exclude themselves from 
all general society. 

Wines at Dinners. 

The menu of a dinner party is by some not re- 
garded as complete, unless it includes one or more 
varieties of wine. When used it is first served after 
soup, but any guest may, with propriety, decline 
being served. This, however, must not be done 
ostentatiously. Simply say to the waiter, or whoever 
pours it, "not any; thank you." Wine, offered at a 
dinner party, should not be criticized, however poor 
it may be. A person who has partaken of wine, may 
also decline to have the glass refilled. 

If the guests should include one or more people of 
well-known temperance principles, in deference to the 
scruples of these guests, wines or liquors should not 
be brought to the table. People who entertain should 
also be cautious as to serving wines at all. It is im- 
possible to tell what harm 3^011 may do to some of 
your highly esteemed guests. It may be that your 
palatable wines may create an appetite for the habit- 
ual use of wines or stronger alcoholic liquors : or you 
may renew a passion long controlled and entombed ; 
or you may turn a wavering will from a seemingly 



120 DINNER PARTIES. 

steadfast resolution to forever abstain. This is an age- 
of reforms, the temperance reform being by no means 
the least powerful of these, and no ladies or gentlemen 
will be censured or misunderstood if they neglect to 
supply their dinner table with any kind of intoxicat- 
ing liquor. The mistress of the White House, Mrs. 
Hayes, has banished wines and liquors from her 
table, and an example set by the " first lady of the 
land " can be safely followed in every American 
household, whatever may have been former prevailing 
customs. 




CHAPTER X. 

jHE good-breeding of a lady or gentleman is 
nowhere more clearly shown than by their 
manners at the table. There are so many 
little points to be observed, that unless a 
person is habitually accustomed to observe them, he 
unconsciously commits some error, or will appear awk- 
ward and constrained upon occasions, when it is im- 
portant to be fully at ease. To be thoroughly at ease 
at the table, is only acquired by the habitual practice 
of good manners at the table, and is the result of 
proper home training. It is the duty of parents to 
accustom their children, by example as well as by 
precept, to be attentive and polite to each other at 
every meal, as well as to observe proper rules of 
etiquette, and if they do so, they need never fear 
that they will be rude or awkward when they go 
abroad. Even when persons habitually eat alone, they 
should pay due regard to the rules of etiquette, for 
by so doing they form habits of ease and gracefulness 
which are requisite in refined circles ; otherwise they 
speedily acquire rude and awkward habits which they 

(121) 



122 TABLE MANNERS AND ETIQUETTE. 

cannot shake off without great difficulty, and which 
are at times embarrassing to themselves and their 
friends. In private families it should be observed as 
a rule to meet together at all meals of the day around 
one common table, where the same rules of etiquette 
should be rigidly enforced, as though each member of 
the family were sitting at a stranger's table. It is 
only by this constant practice of the rules of good 
behavior at home, that good manners become easy 
when any of them go abroad. 

The Breakfast. 

At the first meal of the day, even in the most 
orderly households, an amount of freedom is allowed, 
which would be unjustifiable at any other meal. The 
head of the house may look over his morning paper, 
and the various other members may glance over cor- 
respondence or such books or studies as they are 
interested in. Each may rise and leave the table 
when business or pleasure dictates, without awaiting 
for the others or for a general signal. 

The breakfast table should be simply decorated, 
yet it may be made very attractive with its snowy 
cloth and napkins, its array of glass, and its orna- 
mentation of fruits and flowers. Bread should be 
placed upon the table, cut into slices. In eating, it 
must be always broken, never cut, and certainly not 
bitten. Fruit should be served in abundance at break- 
fast whenever practicable. There is an old adage 



TABLE MANNERS AND ETIQUETTE. 123 

which declares that " fruit is gold in the morning, silver 
at noon, and lead at night." 

Luncheon. 

In many of our large cities, where business pre- 
vents the head of the family from returning to dinner 
until a late hour, luncheon is served about midday 
and serves as an early dinner for children and ser- 
vants. There is much less formality in the serving of 
lunch than of dinner. It is all placed upon the table 
at once, whether it consists of one or more courses. 
Where only one or two are at luncheon, the repast 
is ordinarily served on a tray. 

DlNNEK. 

The private family dinner should be the social 
hour of the day. Then parents and children should 
meet together, and the meal should be of such length 
as to admit of the greatest sociality. It is an old 
adage that chatted food is half digested. The ut- 
most good feeling should prevail among all. Business 
and domestic cares and troubles should be, for the 
time, forgotten, and the pleasures of home most heart- 
ily enjoyed. In another chapter we have spoken at 
length upon fashionable dinner parties. 

The Knife and Fork. 

The knife and fork were not made for playthings, 
and should not be used as such when people are 
waiting at the table for the food to be served. Do . 



124 TABLE MANNERS AND ETIQUETTE. 

not hold them erect in your hands at each side of 
your plate, nor cross them on your plate when you 
have finished, nor make a noise with them. The 
knife should only be used for cutting meats and hard 
substances, while the fork, held in the left hand, is 
used in carrying food to the mouth. A knife must 
never, on any account, be put into the mouth. When 
you send your plate to be refilled, do not send your 
knife and fork, but put them upon a piece of bread, 
or hold them in your hand. 

Greediness. 

To put large pieces of food into the mouth ap- 
pears greedy, and if you are addressed when your 
mouth is so filled, you are obliged to pause, before 
answering, until the vast mouthful is masticated, or 
Tun the risk of choking, by swallowing it too hastily. 
To eat very fast is also a mark of greediness, and 
should be avoided. The same may be said of soak- 
ing up gravy with bread, scraping up sauce with a 
spoon, scraping your plate and gormandizing upon 
one or two articles of food only. 

General Rules on Table Etiquette. 

Refrain from making a noise when eating, or sup- 
ping from a spoon, and from smacking the lips or breath- 
ing heavily while masticating food, as they are marks 
of ill-breeding. The lips should be kept closed in 
-eating as much as possible. 

It is rude and awkward to elevate your elbows 



TABLE MANNERS AND ETIQUETTE. 125 

and move your arms at the table, so as to incom- 
mode those on either side of you. 

Whenever one or both hands are unoccupied, they 
should be kept below the table, and not pushed upon 
the table and into prominence. 

Do not leave the table before the rest of the family 
or guests, without asking the head, or host, to excuse 
you, except at a hotel or boarding house. 

Tea or coffee should never be poured into a saucer 
to cool, but sipped from the cup. 

If a person wishes to be served with more tea or 
coffee, he should place his spoon in his saucer. If 
he has had sufficient, let it remain in the cup. 

If by chance anything unpleasant is found in the 
food, such as a hair in the bread or a fly in the cof- 
fee, remove it without remark. Even though your 
own appetite be spoiled, it is well not to prejudice 
others 

Always make use of the butter-knife, sugar-spoon 
and salt-spoon, instead of using your knife, spoon or 
fingers. 

Never, if possible, cough or sneeze at the table. 

At home fold your napkin when you are done 
with it and place it in your ring. If you are visit- 
ing, leave your napkin unfolded beside your plate. 

Eat neither too fast nor too slow. 

Never lean back in your chair, nor sit too near or 
too far from the table. 

Keep your elbows at your side, so that you may 
not inconvenience your neighbors. 
9 



126 TABLE MANNERS AND ETIQUETTE. 

Do not find fault with the food. 

The old-fashioned habit of abstaining from taking 
the last piece upon the plate is no longer observed. 
It is to be supposed that the vacancy can be supplied, 
if necessary. 

If a plate is handed you at the table, keep it your- 
self instead of passing it to a neighbor. If a dish is 
passed to you, serve yourself first, and then pass it 
on. 

The host or hostess should not insist upon guests 
partaking of particular dishes ; nor ask persons more 
than once, nor put anything on their plates which 
they have declined. It is ill-bred to urge a person to 
eat of anything after he has declined. 

When sweet corn is served on the ear, the grain 
should be pared from it upon the plate, instead of 
being eaten from the cob. 

Strive to keep the cloth as clean as possible, and 
use the edge of the plate or a side dish for potato 
skins and other refuse. 




CHAPTER XI. 

MmpR'NING receptions," as they are called, but 
jfflr more correctly speaking, afternoon parties, 
'Af| are generally held from four to seven 
o'clock in the afternoon. Sometimes a 
sufficient number for a cotillion arrange to remain 
after the assemblage has for the most part dispersed. 

The Dress. 

The dress for receptions is, for men, morning dress ; 
for ladies, demi-toilet, with or without bonnet. No 
low-necked dress nor short sleeves should be seen at 
a day reception, nor white neck-ties and dress coats. 

The material of a lady's costume may be of velvet, 
silk, muslin, gauze or grenadine, according to the 
season of the year, and taste of the wearer, but her 
more elegant jewelry and laces should be reserved for 
evening parties. 

The Refreshments. 

The refreshments for " morning receptions " are 
generally light, consisting of tea, coffee, frozen punch, 

(127) 



J 28 RECEPTIONS, PARTIES AND BALLS. 

claret punch, ices, fruit and cakes. Often a cold col- 
lation is spread after the lighter refreshments have 
been served, and sometimes the table is set with all 
the varieties, and renewed from time to time. 

Invitations. 

Invitations to a reception are simple, and are usu- 
ally very informal. Frequently the lady's card is sent 
with the simple inscription, " At Home Thursday, 
from four to seven." No answers are expected to 
these invitations, unless " R. S. V. P." is on one corner. 
One visiting card is left by each person who is pre- 
sent, to serve for the after call. No calls are expected 
from those who attend. Those who are not able to be 
present, call soon after. 

Musical Matinees. 

A matinee musicale, partakes of the nature of a 
reception, and is one of the most difficult entertain- 
ments attempted. For this it is necessary to secure 
those persons possessing sufficient vocal and instru- 
mental talent to insure the success of the entertain- 
ment, and to arrange with them a programme assign- 
ing to each, in order, his or her part. It is customary 
to commence with a piece of instrumental music, fol- 
lowed by solos, duets, quartettes, etc., with instrument- 
al music interspersed, in not too great proportions. 
Some competent person is needed as accompanist. It 
is the duty of the hostess to maintain silence among 
her guests during the performance of instrumental as 



RECEPTIONS, PARTIES AND BALLS. 129 

well as vocal music. If any are unaware of the 
breach of good manners, that they commit in talking 
or whispering at such times, she should by a gesture 
endeavor to acquaint them of the fact. It is the duty 
of the hostess to see that the ladies are accompanied 
to the piano ; that the leaves of the music are turned 
for them, and that they are conducted to their seats 
again. When not intimately acquainted with them, 
the hostess should join in expressing gratification. 

The dress at a musical matinee is the same as at 
a reception, only bonnets are more generally dispensed 
'with. Those who have taken part, often remain for a 
hot supper. 

Parties in the Country. 

Morning and afternoon parties in the country, or 
at watering places, are of a less formal character than 
in cities. The hostess introduces such of her guests, 
as she thinks most likely to be mutually agreeable. 
Music or some amusement is essential to the success 
of such parties. 

Sunday Hospitalities. 

In this country it is not expected that persons will 
call after informal hospitalities extended on Sunday. 
All gatherings on that day ought to be informal. No 
dinner parties are given on Sunday, or, at least, they 
are not considered as good form in good society. 

Five O'clock Teas and Kettle-Drums. 
Five o'clock teas and kettle-drums have recently 



130 RECEPTIONS, PARTIES AND BALLS. 

been introduced into this country from England. For 

both of these invitations are usually issued on the 

lady's visiting card, with the words written in the 

left hand corner. 

" Five o'clock tea, 
Wednesday, October 6." 

Or if for a kettle-drum : 

" Kettle-drum, 
Wednesday, October 6." 

No answers are expected to -these invitations, Tin" 
less there is an Ii. S. V. P. on the card. It is optional 
with those who attend to leave cards. Those who do 
not attend, call afterwards. The hostess receives her 
guests standing, aided by other members of her family 
or intimate friends. For a kettle-drum there is usually 
a crowd, and yet but few remain over half-an-hour — 
the conventional time allotted — unless they are de- 
tained by music or some entertaining conversation. A 
table set in the dining room is supplied with tea, 
coffee, chocolate, sandwiches, buns and cakes, which 
constitute all that is offered to the guests. 

There is less formality at a kettle-drum than at a 
larger day reception. The time is spent in desultory 
conversation with friends, in listening to music, or such 
entertainment as has been provided. 

Gentlemen wear the usual morning dress. Ladies 
wear the demi-toilet, with or without bonnets. 

At five o'clock teas, the tea equipage is on a side 
table, together with plates of thin sandwiches, and of 
cake. The pouring of the tea and passing of refresh- 



RECEPTIONS, PARTIES AND BALLS. 131 

ments are usually done by some members of the 
family or friends, without the assistance of servants, 
where the number assembled is small ; for as a rule 
the people who frequent these social gatherings, care 
more for social intercourse than for eating and drinking* 

More Formal Entertainments. 

Evening parties and balls are of a much more 
formal character than the entertainments that 
have been mentioned. They require evening dress. 
Of late years, however, evening dress is almost as 
much worn at grand dinners as at balls and evening 
parties, only the material is not of so diaphanous a 
•character. Lace and muslin dresses are out of place. 
Invitations to evening parties should be sent from a 
week to two weeks previously, and in all cases they 
should be answered immediately. 

Balls. 

The requisites for a successful ball are good music 
and plenty of people to dance. An English writer 
says, "' The advantage of the ball is, that it brings 
young people together for a sensible and innocent 
recreation, and takes them away from silly, if not 
from bad ones ; that it gives them exercise, and that 
the general effect of the beauty, elegance and brilliancy 
of a ball is to elevate rather than to deprave the 
mind." It may be that the round dance is monop- 
olizing the ball room to a too great extent, and it is 
possible that these may be so frequent as to mar the 



132 RECEPTIONS, PARTIES AND BALLS. 

pleasure of some persons who do not care to partici- 
pate in them, to the exclusion of " square " and vis a 
vis dances. America should not be the only nation 
that confines ball room dancing to waltzes, as is done- 
in some of our cities. There should be an equal 
number of waltzes and quadrilles, with one or two 
contra dances, which would give an opportunity ta 
those who object, (or whose parents object) to round 
dances to appear on the floor. 

Preparations for a Ball. 

There should be dressing-rooms for ladies and 

gentlemen, with a servant or servants to each. There 

should be cards with the names of the invited guests 

upon them, or checks with duplicates to be given to- 

the guests, ready to pin upon the wraps of each one. 

Each dressing-room should be supplied with a com- 

plete set of toilet articles. It is customary to decorate 

the house elaborately with flowers. Although this is 

an expensive luxury, it adds much to beautifying the 

rooms. 

The Music. 

Four musicians are enough for a " dance." When 
the dancing room is small, the flageolet is preferable 
to the horn, as it is less noisy and marks the time 
as well. The piano and violin form the mainstay of 
the band; but when the rooms are large enough, a 
larger band may be employed. 

The Dances. 
The dances should be arranged beforehand, and 



RECEPTIONS, PARTIES AND BALLS. 133 

for large balls programmes are printed with a list of 
the dances. Usually a ball opens with a waltz, fol- 
lowed by a quadrille, and these are succeeded by 
gallops, lancers, quadrilles and waltzes in turn. 

Introductions at a Ball. 

Gentlemen who are introduced to ladies at a ball, 
solely for the purpose of dancing, wait for their rec- 
ognition before speaking with them upon meeting 
afterwards, but they are at liberty to recall them- 
selves by lifting their hats in passing. In England, a 
ball-room acquaintance rarely goes any farther, until 
they have met at more balls than one. So, also, a 
man cannot, after being introduced to a young lady 
to dance with, ask her for more than two dances the 
same evening. In England, an introduction given for 
dancing purposes does not constitute acquaintance- 
ship. With us, as in Continental Europe, it does. 
It is for this reason that, in England, ladies are ex- 
pected to bow first, while on the Continent it is the gen- 
tlemen who give the first marks of recognition, as it 
should be here, or better still, simultaneously, when 
the recognition is simultaneous. It is as much the 
gentleman's place to bow (with our mode of life), as 
it is the lady's. The one who recognizes first, should 
be the first to show that recognition. Introductions 
take place in a ball room in order to provide ladies 
with partners, or between persons residing in different 
cities. In all other cases, permission is asked before 
giving introductions. But where a hostess is suffi- 



134 RECEPTIONS, PARTIES AND BALLS. 

ciently discriminating in the selection of her guests, 
those assembled under her roof should remember that 
they are, in a certain sense, made known to one an- 
other, and ought, therefore, to be able to converse freely 
without introductions. 

Receiving Guests. 

The custom of the host and hostess receiving to- 
gether, is not now prevalent. The receiving devolves 
upon the hostess, but it is the duty of the host to 
remain within sight until after the arrivals are princi- 
pally over, that he may be easily found by anyone 
seeking him. The same duty devolves upon the 
sons, who, that evening, must share their attentions 
with all. The daughters, as well as the sons, will 
look after partners for the young ladies who desire to 
dance, and they will try to see that no one is neg- 
lected before they join the dancers themselves. 

An After-Call. 

After a ball an after-call is due the lady of the 
house, at which you were entertained, and should be 
made as soon as convenient — within two weeks at 
the farthest. The call loses its significance entirely, 
and passes into remissness when a longer time is per- 
mitted to elapse. If it is not possible to make a 
call, send your card or leave it at the door. It has 
become customary of late for a lad}', who has no 
weekly reception day, in sending invitations to a ball, 
to inclose her card in each invitation for one or more 



RECEPTIONS, PARTIES AND BALLS. 135 

receptions, in order that the after-calls due her, may 
be made on that day. 

Supper. 
The supper-room at a ball is thrown open gener- 
ally at twelve o'clock. The table is made as elegant 
as beautiful china, cut-glass and an abundance of 
flowers can make it. The hot dishes are oysters, 
stewed, fried, broiled and scalloped, chicken, game, 
etc., and the cold dishes are such as boned turkey, 
boeuf a la mode, chicken salad, lobster salad and raw 
oysters. When supper is announced, the host leads 
the way with the lady to whom he wishes to show 
especial attention, who may be an elderly lady, or a 
stranger or a bride. The hostess remains until the 
last, with the gentleman who takes her to supper, 
unless some distinguished guest is present, with whom 
she leads the way. No gentleman should ever go into 
the supper-room alone, unless he has seen every lady 
enter before him. When ladies are left unattended, 
gentlemen, although strangers, are at liberty to offer 
their services in waiting upon them, for the host and 
hostess are sufficient guarantees for the respectability 
of their guests. 

The Number to Invite. 

Persons giving balls or dancing parties should be 
careful not to invite more than their rooms will ac- 
commodate, so as to avoid a crush. Invitations to 
crowded balls are not hospitalities, but inflictions. A 
hostess is usually safe, however, in inviting one-fourth 



136 RECEPTIONS, PARTIES AND BALLS. 

more than her rcoms will hold, as that proportion of 
regrets are apt to be received. People who do not 
dance, will not, as a rule, expect to be invited to a 
ball or dancing party. 

Duties of Guests. 
/ 
Some persons may be astonished to learn that any 

duties devolve upon the guests. In fact there are 

circles where all such duties are ignored. 

It is the duty of every person who has at first 
accepted the invitation, and subsequently finds that it 
will be impossible to attend, to send a regret, even at 
the last moment, and as it is rude to send an accept- 
ance with no intention of going, those who so accept 
will do well to remember this duty. It is the duty of 
every lady who attends a ball, to make her toilet as 
fresh as possible. It need not be expensive, but it 
should at least be clean ; it may be simple, but it 
should not be either soiled or tumbled. The gentle- 
men should wear evening dress. 

It is the duty of every person to arrive as early as 
possible after the hour named, when it is mentioned 
in the invitation. 

Another duty of guests is that each one should do 
all in his or her power to contribute to the enjoyment 
of the evening, and neither hesitate nor decline to be 
introduced to such guests as the hostess requests. It 
is not binding upon any gentleman to remain one 
moment longer than he desires with any lady. By 
constantly moving from one to another, when he 



RECEPTIONS, PARTIES AND BALLS. 137 

feels so inclined, he gives an opportunity to others to 
circulate as freely ; and this custom, generally intro- 
duced in our society, would go a long way toward 
contributing to the enjoyment of all. The false notion 
generally entertained that a gentleman is expected to 
remain standing by the side of a lady, like a sentinel 
on duty, until relieved by some other person, is 
absurd, and deters many who would gladly give a 
few passing moments to lady acquaintances, could 
they but know that they would be free to leave at 
any instant that conversation flagged, or that they 
desired to join another. In a society where it is not 
considered a rudeness to leave after a few sentences 
with one, to exchange some words with another, there 
is a constant interchange of civilities, and the men 
circulate through the room with that charming free- 
dom which insures the enjoyment of all. 

AVhile the hostess is receiving, no person should 
remain beside her, except members of her family who 
receive with her, or such friends as she has designated 
to assist her. All persons entering should pass on to 
make room for others. 

Some Suggestions for Gentlemen. 

A gentleman should never attempt to step across a 
lady's train. He should walk around it. If by any 
accident he should tread upon any portion of her 
dress, he must instantly say, " I beg pardon," and if 
by greater carelessness, he should tear it, he must 



138 RECEPTIONS, PARTIES AND BALLS. 

pause in his course and offer to take her to the dres- 
sing-room to have it mended. 

If a lady asks any favor of a gentleman, such as 
to send a servant to her with a glass of water, to take 
her into the ball-room when she is without an escort, 
to inquire whether her carriage is in waiting, or any 
of the numerous services which ladies often require, 
no gentleman will, under any circumstances, refuse her 
request. 

A really well-bred man will remember to ask the 
daughters of a house to dance, as it is his imperative 
duty to do so ; and if the ball has been given for a lady 
who dances, he should include her in his attentions. 
If he wishes to be considered a thorough-bred gentle- 
man, he will sacrifice himself occasionally to those 
who are unsought and neglected in the dance. The 
consciousness of having performed a kind and chris- 
tian action will be his reward. 

When gentlemen, invited to a house on the occasion 
of an entertainment, are not acquainted with all the 
members' of the family, their first duty, after speaking 
to their host and hostess, is to ask some common 
friend to introduce them to those members whom they 
do not know. The host and hostess are often too 
much occupied in receiving, to be able to do this. 

Duties of an Escort. 

A lady's escort should call for her and accompany 
her to the place of entertainment; go with her as far 
as the dressing-room, return to meet her there when 



RECEPTIONS, PARTIES AND BALLS. 139 

she is prepared to go to the hall-room ; enter the latter 
room with her and lead her to the hostess ; dance the 
first dance with her ; conduct her to the supper-room, 
and be ready to accompany her home whenever she 
wishes to go. He should watch during the evening to 
see that 'she is supplied with dancing partners. When 
he escorts her home, she should not invite him to 
enter the house, and even if she does so, he should 
by all means decline the invitation. He should call 
upon her within the next two days. 

General Rules for Balls. 

A young man who can dance, and will not dance, 
should stay away from a ball. 

The lady with whom a gentleman dances last, is 
the one he takes to supper. Therefore he can make 
no engagement to take out any other, unless his part- 
ner is already engaged. 

Public balls are most enjoyable when you have 
your own party. The great charm of a ball is its 
perfect accord and harmony. All altercations, loud 
talking and noisy laughter are doubly ill-mannered 
in a ball-room. Very little suffices to disturb the 
whole party. 

In leaving a large ball, it is not deemed necessary 
to wish the lady of the house a good-night. In leav- 
ing a small dance or party, it is civil to do so. 

The difference between a ball and an evening 
party is, that at a ball there must be dancing, and at 
an evening party there may or may not be. A Lon- 



140 RECEPTIONS, PARTIES AND BALLS. 

•don authority defines a ball to be " an assemblage 
for dancing, of not less than seventy-five persons." 

Common civility requires that those who have 
not been present, but who were among the guests in- 
vited, should, when meeting the hostess the first 
time after an entertainment, make it a point to ex- 
press some acknowledgment of their appreciation of 
the invitation, by regretting their inability to be pres- 
ent. 

When dancing a round dance, a gentleman should 
never hold a lady's hand behind him, or on his hip, 
or high in the air, moving her arm as though it 
were a pump handle, as seen in some of our Western 
cities, but should hold it gracefully by his side. 

Never forget ball-room engagements, nor confuse 
them, nor promise two dances to one person. If a 
lady has forgotten an engagement, the gentleman she 
has thus slighted must pleasantly accept her apology. 
Good-breeding and the appearance of good temper 
are inseparable. 

It is not necessary for a gentleman to bow to his 
partner after a quadrille ; it is enough that he offers 
his arm and walks at least half way round the room 
with her. He is not obliged to remain beside her 
unless he wishes to do so, but may leave her with 
any lady whom she knows. 

Never be seen without gloves in a ball-room, or 
with those of any other color than white, unless they 
are of a most delicate hue. 

Though not customary for married persons to 



RECEPTIONS, PARTIES AND BALLS. 141 

dance together in society, those men who wish to 
show their wives the compliment of such unusual at- 
tention, if they possess any independence, will not be 
deterred from doing so by their fear of any comments 
from Mrs. Grundy. 

The sooner that we recover from the effects of 
the Puritanical idea that clergymen should never be 
seen at balls, the better for all who attend them. 
Where it is wrong for a clergyman to go, it is wrong 
for any member of his church to be seen. 

In leaving a ball room before the music has 
ceased, if no member of the family is in sight, it is 
not necessary to look for them before taking your 
departure. If, however, the invitation is a first one, 
endeavor not to make your exit until you have 
thanked your hostess for the entertainment. You can 
speak of the pleasure it has afforded you, but it is 
not necessary that you should say " it has been a 
grand success." 

Young ladies must be careful how they refuse to 
dance, for unless a good reason is given, a gentleman 
is apt to take it as evidence of personal dislike. 
After a lady refuses, the gentleman should not urge 
her to dance, nor should the lady accept another in- 
vitation for the same dance. The members of the 
household should see that those of their guests who 
wish to dance are provided with partners. 

Ladies leaving a ball or party should not allow 
gentlemen to see them to their carriages, unless over- 
coats and hats are on for departure. 
10 



142 RECEPTIONS, PARTIES AND BALLS. 

When balls are given, if the weather is bad, an 
awning should be provided for the protection of those 
passing from their carriages to the house. In all 
cases, a broad piece of carpet should be spread from 
the door to the carriage steps. 

Gentlemen should engage their partners for the 
approaching dance, before the music strikes up. 

In a private dance, a lady cannot well refuse to 
dance with any gentleman who invites her, unless 
she has a previous engagement. If she declines from 
weariness, the gentleman will show her a compliment 
by abstaining from dancing himself, and remaining 
with her while the dance progresses. 




CHAPTER XII. 

|HE manners of a person are clearly shown by 
his treatment of the people he meets in the 
public streets of a city or village, in public 
conveyances and in traveling generally. The 
true gentleman, at all times, in all places, and under 
all circumstances, is kind and courteous to all he 
meets, regards not only the rights, but the wishes and 
feelings of others, is deferential to women and to 
elderly men, and is ever ready to extend his aid to 
those who need it. 

The Street Manners of a Lady. 

The true lady walks the street, wrapped in a 
mantle of proper reserve, so impenetrable, that insult 
and coarse familiarity shrink from her, while she, at 
the same time, carries with her a congenial atmos- 
phere which attracts all, and puts all at their ease. 

A lady walks quietly through the streets, seeing 
and hearing nothing that she ought not to see and 
hear, recognizing acquaintances with a courteous bow, 
and friends with words of greeting. She is always 

(143) 



144 ETIQUETTE OF THE STREET. 

unobtrusive, never talks loudly, or laughs boisterously, 
or does anything to attract the attention of the passers- 
by. She walks along in her own quiet lady-like way, 
and by her preoccupation is secure from any annoy- 
ance to which a person of less perfect breeding might 
be subjected. 

A lady never demands attentions and favors from 
a gentleman, but, when voluntarily offered, accepts 
them gratefully, graciously, and with an expression of 
hearty thanks. 

Forming Street Acquaintances. 

A lady never forms an acquaintance upon the 
street, or seeks to attract the attention or admiration 
of persons of the other sex. To do so would render 
false her claims to ladyhood, if it did not make her 
liable to far graver charges. 

Recognizing Friends in the Street. 

No one, while walking the streets, should fail, 
through preoccupation, or absent-mindedness, to re- 
cognize friends or acquaintances, either by a bow or 
some form of salutation. If two gentlemen stop to 
talk, they should retire to one side of the walk. If a 
stranger should be in company with one of the gen- 
tleman, an introduction is not necessary. If a gentle- 
man meets another gentleman in company with a 
lady whom he does not know, he lifts his hat to 
salute them both. If he knows the lady, he should 



ETIQUETTE OF THE STREET. 145 

salute her first. The gentleman who accompanies a 
lady, always returns 7 a salutation made to her. 

A Crowded Street. 

When a gentleman and lady are walking in the 
street, if at any place, hy reason of the crowd, or from 
other cause they are compelled to proceed singly, the 
gentleman should always precede his companion. 

Intrusive Inquiries. 

If you meet or join or are visited by a person who 
has any article whatever, under his arm or in his 
hand, and he does not offer to show it to you, you 
should not, even if he be your most intimate friend, 
take it from him and look at it. That intrusive cur- 
iosity is very inconsistent with the delicacy of a 
well-bred man, and always offends in some degree. 

The First to Bow. 

In England, strict etiquette requires that a lady, 
meeting upon the street a gentleman with whom she 
has acquaintance, shall give the first bow of recognition. 
In this country, however, good sense does not insist 
upon an imperative following of this rule. A well-bred 
man bows and raises his hat to every lady of his 
acquaintance whom he meets, without waiting for her 
to take the' initiative. If she is well-bred, she will 
certainly respond to his salutation. As politeness re- 
quires that each salute the other, their salutations 
will thus be simultaneous. 



146 ETIQUETTE OF THE STREET. 

Always Recognize Acquaintances. 

One should always recognize lady acquaintances in 
the street, either by bowing or words of greeting, a 
gentleman lifting his hat. If they stop to speak, it 
is not obligatory to shake hands. Shaking hands is 
not forbidden, but in most cases it is to be avoided 
in public. 

Bowing to Strangers with Friends. 

If a gentleman meets a friend, and the latter has 
a stranger with him, all three should bow. If the 
gentleman stops his friend to speak to him, he should 
apologize to the stranger for detaining him. If the 
stranger is a lady, the same deference should be shown 
as if she were an acquaintance. 

Do not Lack Politeness. 

Never hesitate in acts of politeness for fear they 
will not be recognized and returned. One cannot be 
too polite so long as he conforms to rules, while it is 
easy to lack politeness by neglect of them. Besides, 
if courtesy is met by neglect or rebuff, it is not for 
the courteous person to feel mortification, but the 
boorish one j and so all lookers-on will regard the 
matter. 

Talking with a Lady in the Street. 

In meeting a lady it is optional with her whether 
she shall pause to speak. If the gentleman has any- 
thing to sav to her, he should not stop her, but turn 



ETIQUETTE OF THE STREET. 147 

around and walk in her company until he has said 
what he has to say, when he may leave her with a 
bow and lift of the hat. 

Lady and Gentleman Walking Together. 

A gentleman walking with a lady should treat her 
with the most scrupulous politeness, and may take 
either side of the pavement. It is customary for the 
gentleman to have the lady on his right hand side, 
and he offers her his right arm, when walking arm 
in arm. If, however, the street is crowded, the gentle- 
man must keep the lady on that side of him where 
she will be the least exposed to crowding or danger. 

Offering the Arm to a Lady. 

A gentleman should, in the evening or whenever 
or wherever her safety, comfort or convenience seem 
to dictate it, offer the lady his arm. At other times 
it is not customary to do so unless the parties be 
husband and wife or engaged. In the latter case, it 
is not always advisable to do so, as they may be 
made the subject of unjust remarks. 

Keeping Step. 

In walking together, especially when arm in arm, 
it is desirable that the two keep step. Ladies should 
be particular to adapt their pace as far as practicable, 
to that of their escort. It is easily done. 



148 ETIQUETTE OF THE STREET. 

Opening the Door for a Lady. 

A gentleman should always hold open the door for 
a lady to enter first. This is obligatory, not only in 
the case of the lady who is with him, but also in that 
of any strange lady who chances to be about to enter 
at the same time. 

Answering Questions. 

A gentleman will reply courteously to any ques- 
tions which a lady vn^j address to him upon the 
street, at the same time lifting his hat, or at least 
touching it respectfully. 

Smoking upon the Streets. 

In England a well-bred man never smokes upon 
the streets. While this rule does not hold good in 
this country, yet no gentleman will ever insult a lady 
by smoking in the streets in her company, and in 
meeting and saluting a lady he will always remove 
his cigar from his mouth. 

Offensive Behavior. 

No gentleman is ever guilty of the offene of 
standing on street corners and the steps of hotels or 
other public places and boldly scrutinizing every 
lady who passes. 

Carrying Packages. 

A gentleman will never permit a lady with whom 
he is walking to carry a package of any kind, but 



ETIQUETTE OF THE STREET. 149 

will insist upon relieving her of it. He may even 
accost a lady when he sees her overburdened and 
offer his assistance, if their ways lie in the same 
direction. 

Shouting. 

Never speak to your acquaintances from one side 
of the street to the other. Shouting is a certain sign 
of vulgarity. First approach, and then make your 
communication to your acquaintance or friend in a 
moderately loud tone of voice. 

Two Gentlemen Walking with a Lady. 

When two gentlemen are walking with a lady in 
the street, they should not be both upon the same 
side of her, but one of them should walk upon the 
outside and the other upon the inside. 

Crossing the Street with a Lady. 

If a gentleman is walking with a lady who has 
his arm, and they cross the street, it is better not to 
disengage the arm, and go round upon the outside. 
Such effort evinces a palpable attention to form, and 
that is always to be avoided. 

Fulfilling an Engagement. 

When on your way to fill an engagement, if a 
friend stops you on the street, you may without com- 
mitting a breach of etiquette, tell him of your ap- 
pointment, and release yourself from any delay that 



150 ETIQUETTE OF THE STREET. 

may be occasioned by a long talk; but do so in a 
courteous manner, expressing regret for the neces- 
sity. 

Walking with Lady Acquaintance. 

A gentleman should not join a lady acquaintance 
oh the street for the purpose of walking with her, 
unless he ascertains that his company would be per- 
fectly agreeable to her. It might be otherwise, and 
she should frankly say so, if asked. 

Passing Before a Lady. 

When a lady wishes to enter a store, house or 
room, if a gentleman accompanies her, he should hold 
the door open and allow her to enter first, if practica- 
ble ; for a gentleman must never pass before a lady 
anywhere if he can avoid it, or without an apology. 

Shopping Etiquette. 

In inquiring for goods at a store or shop, do not 
say to the clerk or salesman, " I want " such an ar- 
ticle, but, "Please show me " such an article, or some 
other polite form of address. 

You should never take hold of a piece of goods 
or an article which another person is examining. 
Wait until it is replaced upon the counter, when you 
are at liberty to examine it. 

It is rude to interrupt friends whom you meet in 
a store, before they have finished making their pur- 
chases, or to ask their attention to your own pur- 
chases. It is rude to offer your opinion unasked, 



ETIQUETTE OF THE STREET. 151 

upon their judgment or taste, in the selection of 
goods. 

It is rude to sneer at and depreciate goods, and 
exceedingly discourteous to the salesman. Use no de- 
ceit, but be honest with them, if you wish them to 
be honest with you. 

Avoid "jewing down" the prices of articles in any 
way. If the price does not suit, you may say so 
quietly, and depart, but it is generally best to say 
nothing about it. 

It is an insult for the salesmen to offensively sug- 
gest that you can do better elsewhere, which should 
be resented by instant departure. 

Ladies should not monopolize the time and atten- 
tion of salesmen in small talk, while other customers 
are in the store to be waited upon. 

Whispering in a store is rude. Loud and showy 
behavior is exceedingly vulgar. 

Etiquette for Public Conveyances. 

In street-cars, omnibuses and other public street 
conveyances, it should be the endeavor of each pas- 
senger to make room for all persons entering, and no 
gentleman will retain his seat when there are ladies 
standing. When a lady accepts a seat from a gentle- 
man, she expresses her thanks in a kind and pleas- 
ant manner. 

A lady may, with perfect propriety, accept the 
offer of services from a stranger in alighting from, or 
entering an omnibus or other public conveyance, and 



152 ETIQUETTE OF THE STREET. 

should always acknowledge the courtesy with a pleas- 
ant "Thank you, sir," or a bow. 

Never talk politics or religion in a public convey- 
ance. 

Gentlemen should not cross their legs, nor stick 
their feet out into the passage-way of a public con- 
veyance. 

Avoid Cutting. 

No gentleman will refuse to recognize a lady after 
she has recognized him, under any circumstances. 
A young lady should, under no provocation, " cut " a 
married lady. It is the privilege of age to first rec- 
ognize those who are younger in years. No young 
man will fail to recognize an aged one after he has 
met with recognition. " Cutting " is to be avoided if 
possible. There are other ways of convincing a man 
that you do not know him, yet, to young ladies, it 
is sometimes the only means available to rid them of 
troublesome acquaintances. " Cutting " consists in re- 
turning a bow or recognition with a stare, and is pub- 
licly ignoring the acquaintance of the person so treat- 
ed. It is sometimes done by words in saying, "Really 
I have not the pleasure of your acquaintance." 

Avoiding Carriages. 

For a lady to run across the street to avoid an 
approaching carriage is inelegant and also dangerous. 
To attempt to cross the street between the carriages 
of a funeral procession, is rude and disrespectful. 
The foreign custom of removing the hat and standing 



ETIQUETTE OF THE STREET. 15& 

in a respectful attitude until the melancholy train 
has passed, is a commendable one to be followed in 
this country. 

Keep to the Right. 

On meeting and passing people in the street, keep 
to your right hand, except when a gentleman is 
walking alone ; then he must always turn aside to 
give the preferred side of the pavement to a lady, to 
anyone carrying a heavy load, to a clergyman or to 
an old gentleman. 

Some General Suggestions. 

If a gentleman is walking with two ladies in a 
rain storm, and there is but one umbrella, he should 
give it to his companions and walk outside. Nothing 
can be more absurd than to see a gentleman walking 
between two ladies holding an umbrella which per- 
fectly protects himself, but half deluges his compan- 
ions with its dripping streams. 

Never turn a corner at full speed or you may find 
yourself knocked down, or knock down another, by 
the violent contact. Always look in the way you are 
going or you may chance to meet some awkward col- 
lision. 

A young lady should, if possible, avoid walking 
alone in the street after dark. If she passes the 
evening with a friend, provision should be made be- 
forehand for an escort. If this is not practicable, the 
person at whose house she is visiting should send a 
servant with her, or some proper person — a gentleman 



154 ETIQUETTE OF THE STREET. 

acquaintance present, or her own husband — to perform 
the duty. A married lady may, however, disregard 
this rule, if circumstances prevent her being able 
to conveniently find an escort. 

A gentleman will always precede a lady up a 
flight of stairs, and allow her to precede him in going 
<down. 

Do not quarrel with a hack-driver about his fare, 
but pay him and dismiss him. If you have a com- 
plaint to make against him, take his name and make 
it to the proper authorities. It is rude to keep a lady 
waiting while you are disputing with a hack-man. 




CHAPTER XIII. 

Jtqmlk 4 JahYtt Jim*. 

'LL well-bred persons will conduct themselves 
at all times and in all places with perfect de- 
ll corum. Wherever they meet people they will 
be found polite, considerate of the comfort, 
convenience and wishes of others, and unobtrusive in 
their behavior. They seem to know, as if by instinct, 
how to conduct themselves, wherever they may go, or 
in whatever society they may be thrown. They con- 
sider at all times, the fitness of things, and their 
actions and speech are governed by feelings of gentle- 
ness and kindness towards everybody with whom they 
come into social relations, having a due consideration 
for the opinions and prejudices of others, and doing 
nothing to wound their feelings. Many people, how- 
ever, either from ignorance, thoughtlessness or care- 
lessness are constantly violating some of the observ- 
ances of etiquette, pertaining to places of public as- 
semblages. It is for this reason that rules are here 
given by which may be regulated the conduct of 
people in various public gatherings, where awkward- 
ness and ostentatious display often call forth unfavor- 
able criticism. 

(155) 



156 ETIQUETTE OF PUBLIC PLACES. 

Conduct in Church. 

A gentleman should remove his hat upon entering 
the auditorium. 

When visiting a strange church, you should wait 
in the vestibule 'until an usher appears to show you 
to a seat. 

A gentleman may walk up the aisle either a little 
ahead of, or by the side of a lady, allowing the lady 
to first enter the pew. There should be no haste in 
passing up the aisle. 

People should preserve the utmost silence and 
decorum in church, and avoid whispering, laughing, 
staring, or making a noise of any kind with the feet 
or hands. 

It is ill-mannered to be late at church. If one is 
unavoidably late, it is better to take a pew as near 
the door as possible. 

Ladies always take the inside seats, and gentle- 
men the outside, or head of the pew. When a gen- 
tleman accompanies a lady, however, it is customary 
for him to sit by her side during church service. 

A person should never leave church until the ser- 
vices are over, except in some case of emergency. 

Do not turn around in your seat to gaze at any- 
one, to watch the choir, to look over the congregation 
for someone you know, or to see the cause of any 
disturbing noise. 

If books or tans are passed in church, let them be 
offered and accepted or refused with a silent gesture 
of acceptance or refusal. 



ETIQUETTE OF PUBLIC PLACES. 157 

It is courteous to see that strangers are provided 
with books; and if the service is strange to them, 
the places for the day's reading should be indi- 
cated. 

It is perfectly proper to offer to share the prayer 
or hymn-book with a stranger if there is no separate 
book for his use. 

In visiting a church of a different belief from your 
own, pay the utmost respect to the services and con- 
form in all things to the observances of the church 
— that is, kneel, sit and rise with the congregation- 
Xo matter how grotesquely some of the forms and 
observances may strike you, let no smile or contempt- 
uous remark indicate the fact while in the church. 

When the services are concluded, there should be 
no haste in crowding up the aisle, but the departure 
should be conducted quietly and decorously. When 
the vestibule is reached, it is allowable to exchange 
greetings with friends, but here there should be no 
loud talking nor boisterous laughter. Neither should 
gentlemen congregate in knots in the vestibule or 
upon the steps of the church and compel ladies to 
run the gauntlet of their eyes and tongues. 

If a Protestant gentleman accompanies a lady who 
is a Roman Catholic to her own church, it is an act 
of courtesy to offer the holy water. This he must do 
with the ungloved right hand. 

In visiting a church for the mere purpose of see- 
ing the edifice, one should always go at a time when 
there are no services being held. If people are even 
11 



158 ETIQUETTE OF PUBLIC PLACES. 

then found at their devotions, as is apt to be the 
case in Roman Catholic churches especially, the de- 
meanor of the visitor should be respectful and sub- 
dued and his voice low, so that he may not disturb 

them. 

Invitation to Opera or Concert. 

A gentleman upon inviting a lady to accompany 
him to opera, theatre, concert or other public place 
of amusement, must send his invitation the previous 
day. The lady must reply immediately, so that if 
she declines, there shall yet be time for the gentle- 
man to secure another companion. 

It is the gentleman's duty to secure good seats 
for the entertainment, or else he or his companion 
may be obliged to take up with seats where they can 
neither see nor hear. 

Conduct in Opera, Theatre or Public Hall. 

On entering the hall, theatre or opera-house the 
gentleman should walk side by side with his com- 
panion unless the aisle is too narrow, in which case 
he should precede her. Upon reaching the seats, he 
should allow her to take the inner one, assuming the 
outer one himself. 

A gentleman should, on no account, leave the 
lady's side from the beginning to the close of the 
performance. 

If it is a promenade concert or opera, the lady 
may be invited to promenade during the intermission. 
If she decline, the gentleman must retain his position 
by her side. 



ETIQUETTE OF PUBLIC PLACES. 159 

There is no obligation whatever upon a gentleman 
to give, up his seat to a lady. On the contrary, his 
duty is solely to the lady whom he accompanies. 
He must remain beside her during the evening to 
converse with her between the acts, and to render the 
entertainment as agreeable to her as possible. 

During the performance complete quiet should be 
preserved, that the audience may not be prevented 
from seeing or hearing. Between the acts it is per- 
fectly proper to converse, but it should be done in a 
low tone, so as not to attract attention. Neither 
should one whisper. There should be no loud talk- 
ing, boisterous laughter, violent gestures, lover-like 
demonstrations or anything in manners or speech to 
attract the attention of others. 

It is proper and desirable that the actors be ap- 
plauded when they deserve it. It is their only means 
of knowing whether they are giving satisfaction. 

The gentleman should see that the lady is provid- 
ed with a programme, and with libretto also if they 
are attending opera. 

In passing out at the close of the performance the 
gentleman should precede the lady, and there should 
be no crowding or pushing. 

If the means of the gentleman warrant him in so 
doing, he should call for his companion in a carriage. 
This is especially necessary if the evening is stormy. 
He should call sufficiently early to allow them to 
reach their destination before the performance com- 
mences. It is unjust to the whole audience to come 
in late and make a disturbance in obtaining seats. 



160 ETIQUETTE OF PUBLIC PLACES. 

The gentleman should ask permission to call upon 
the lady on the following day, which permission she 
should grant ; and if she be a person of delicacy and 
tact, she will make him feel that he has conferred a 
real pleasure upon her by his invitation. Even if 
she finds occasion for criticism in the performance, 
she should be lenient in this respect, and seek for 
points to praise instead, that he may not feel regret 
at taking her to an entertainment which has proved 
unworthy. 

Remain until the Performance Closes. 

At a theatrical or operatic performance, you should 
remain seated until the performance is concluded and 
the curtain falls. It is exceedingly rude and ill-bred 
to rise and leave the hall while the play is drawing 
to a close, yet this severely exasperating practice has 
of late been followed by many well-meaning people, 
who, if they were aware of the extent to which they 
outraged the feelings of many of the audience, and 
unwittingly offered an insult to the actors on the 
stage, would shrink from repeating such flagrantly 
rude conduct. 

Conduct in Picture-Galleries. 

In visiting picture-galleries one should always 
maintain the deportment of a gentleman or lady. 
Make no loud comments, and do not seek to show 
superior knowledge in art matters by gratuitous crit- 
icism. If you have not an art education, you will 



ETIQUETTE OF PUBLIC PLACES. 161 

probably only be giving publicity to your own ignor- 
ance. Do not stand in conversation before a picture, 
and thus obstruct the view of others who wish to see 
rather than talk. If you wish to converse with any- 
one on general subjects, draw to one side, out of 
the way of those who want to look at the pictures. 

Conduct at Charity Fairs.. 

In visiting a fancy fair make no comments on 
either the articles or their price, unless you can praise. 
If you want them, pay the price demanded, or let 
them alone. If you can conscientiously praise an 
article, by all means do so, as you may be giving 
pleasure to the maker if she chances to be within 
hearing. If you have a table at a fair, use no un- 
ladylike means to obtain buyers. Not even the de- 
mands of charity can justify you in importuning 
others to purchase articles against their own judg- 
ment or beyond their means. 

Never appear so beggarly as to retain the change, 
if a larger amount is presented than the price. Offer 
the change promptly, when the gentleman will be at 
liberty to donate it if he thinks best, and you may 
accept it with thanks. He is, however, under no ob- 
ligation whatever to make such donation. 

Be guilty of no loud talking or laughing, and by 
all means avoid conspicuous flirting in so public a 
place. 

As a gentleman must always remove his hat in 
the presence of ladies, so he should remain with head 



162 ETIQUETTE OF PUBLIC PLACES. 

uncovered, carrying his hat in his hand, in a public 
place of this character. 

Conduct in an Artist's Studio. 

If you have occasion to visit an artist's studio, by 
no means meddle with anything in the room. Reverse 
no picture which stands or hangs with face to the 
wall; open no portfolio without permission, and do 
not alter by a single touch any lay-figure or its drap- 
ery, piece of furniture or article of vertu, posed as a 
model. You do not know with what care the artist 
may have arranged these things, nor what trouble the 
disarrangement may cost him. 

Use no strong expression of either delight or dis- 
approbation at anything presented for your inspection. 
If a picture or a statue pleases you, show your ap- 
proval and appreciation by close attention, and a few 
quiet, well-chosen words, rather than by extravagant 
praise. 

Do not ask the artist his prices unless you really 
intend to become a purchaser ; and in this case it is 
best to attentively observe his works, make your 
choice, and trust the negotiation to a third person or 
to a written correspondence with the artist after the 
visit is concluded. You may express your desire for 
the work and obtain the refusal of it from the artist. 
If you desire to conclude the bargain at once and 
ask his price, and he names a higher one than you 
desire to give, you may say as much and mention 
the sum you are willing to pay, when it will be 



ETIQUETTE OF PUBLIC PLACES. 163 

optional with the artist to maintain his first price or 
accept your offer. 

It is not proper to visit the studio of an artist 
except by special invitation or permission, and at an 
appointed time, for you cannot estimate how much 
you may disturb him at his work. The hours of 
daylight are all golden to him ; and steadiness of 
hand in manipulating a pencil is sometimes only ac- 
quired each day after hours of practice, and may be 
instantly lost on the irruption and consequent inter- 
ruption of visitors. 

Never take a young child to a studio, for it may 
do much mischief in spite of the most careful watch- 
ing. At any rate, the juvenile visitor will try the 
artist's temper and nerves by keeping him in a state 
of constant apprehension. 

If you have engaged to sit for your portrait, never 
keep the artist waiting one moment beyond the ap- 
pointed time. If you do so, you should in justice 
pay for the time you make him lose. 

A visitor should never stand behind an artist and 
watch him at his work; for if he be a man of ner- 
vous temperament, it will be likely to disturb him 

greatly. 

Gentlemen Passing Before Ladies. 

Gentlemen having occasion to pass before ladies 
who are already seated in lecture and concert rooms, 
theatres and other places, should beg pardon for dis- 
turbing them ; passing with their faces and never 
with their backs toward them. 



164 ETIQUETTE OF PUBLIC PLACES. 

Where Gentlemen May Keep Their Hats on. 

At garden parties and at all assemblies held in 
the open air, gentlemen keep their hats on their 
heads. If draughts of cold air, or other causes, make 
it necessary for them to retain their ^hats on their 
heads, when in the presence of ladies within doors, 
they explain the necessity and ask the permission of 
the ladies whom they accompany. 



CHAPTER XIV. 

jyitpi^tte flf Irauding* 

ttfN these days of railroad travel, when every rail- 
M wa y * s e( l u ipP e( ^ w ^h elegant coaches for the 
M comfort, convenience and sometimes luxury of 
its passengers, and provided with gentlemanly 
conductors and servants, the longest journeys by rail- 
road can be made alone by self-possessed ladies 
with perfect safety and but little annoyance. Then, 
too, a lady, who deports herself as such, may travel 
from the Atlantic to the Pacific, from Maine to the 
Gulf of Mexico, and meet with no affront or insult, 
but on the contrary receive polite attentions at every 
point, from men who may chance to be her fellow- 
travelers. This may be accounted for from the fact 
that, as a rule in America, all men show a deferen- 
tial regard to women, and are especially desirous of 
showing her such attentions as ''will render a long and 
lonesome journey as pleasant to her as possible. 

Duties of an Escort. 

However self-possessed and ladylike in all her de- 
portment and general bearing a lady may be, and 

(M5) 



166 ETIQUETTE OF TRAVELING. 

though capable of undertaking any journey, howsoever 
long it may be, an escort is at all times much pleas- 
anter, and generally very acceptable. When a gentle- 
man undertakes the escort of a lady, he should pro- 
ceed with her to the depot, or meet her there, a 
sufficient time before the departure of the train to 
attend to the checking of her baggage, procure her 
ticket, and obtain for her an eligible seat in the cars, 
allowing her to choose such seat as she desires. He 
will then dispose of her packages and hand-baggage 
in their proper receptacle, and make her seat and 
surroundings as agreeable for her as possible, taking 
a seat near her, or by the side of her if she requests it, 
and do all he can to make her journey a pleasant one. 
Upon arriving at her destination, he should con- 
duct her to the ladies' waiting-room or to a carriage, 
until he has attended to her baggage, which he 
arranges to have delivered where the lady requests 
it. He should then escort her to whatever part of 
the city she is going and deliver her into the hands 
of her friends before he relaxes his care. On the 
following day he should call upon her to inquire after 
her health. It is optional with the lady whether the 
acquaintance shall be prolonged or not after this calL 
If the lady does not wish to prolong the acquaintance, 
she can have no right, nor can her friends, to request 
a similar favor of him at another time. 

• The Duty of a Lady to her Escort. 
The lady may supply her escort with a sum of 



ETIQUETTE OF TRAVELING. 167 

money ample to pay all the expenses of the journey 
before purchasing her ticket, furnish him the exact 
amount required, or, at the suggestion of her escort, 
she may allow him to defray the expenses from his 
own pocket, and settle with him at the end of the 
journey. The latter course, however, should only be 
pursued when the gentleman suggests it, and a strict 
account of the expenses incurred must be insisted 
on. 

A lady should give her attendant as little trouble 
and annoyance as possible, and she should make no 
unnecessary demands upon his good nature and gen- 
tlemanty services. Her hand-baggage should be as 
small as circumstances will permit, and when once 
disposed of, it should remain undisturbed until she is 
about to leave the car, unless she should absolutely 
require it. As the train nears the end of her journey, 
she will deliberately gather together her effects pre- 
paratory to departure, so that when the train stops, 
she will be ready to leave the car at once and not 
wait to hurriedly grab her various parcels, or cause 
her escort unnecessary delay. 

A Lady Traveling Alone. 

A lady, in traveling alone, may accept services 
from her fellow-travelers, which she should always 
acknowledge graciously. Indeed, it is the business of 
a gentleman to see that the wants of an unescorted 
lady are attended to. He should offer to raise or 
lower her window if she seems to have any difficulty 



168 ETIQUETTE OF TRAVELING. 

in doing it herself. He may offer his assistance in 
carrying her packages upon leaving the car, or in en- 
gaging a carriage or obtaining a trunk.. Still, women 
should learn to be as self-reliant as possible ; and 
young women particularly should accept poffered as- 
sistance from strangers, in all but the slightest offices, 
very rarely. 

Ladies May Assist Other Ladies. 

It is not only the right, but the duty of ladies to 
render any assistance or be of any service to younger 
ladies, or those less experienced in travelling than 
themselves. They may show many little courtesies 
which will make the journey less tedious to the un- 
experienced traveler, and may give her important 
advice or assistance which may be of benefit to her. 
An acquaintance formed in traveling, need never be re- 
tained afterwards. It is optional whether it is or 

not. 

The Comfort of Others. 

In seeking his own comfort, no passenger has a 
right to overlook or disregard that of others. If for 
his own comfort, he wishes to raise or lower a window 
he should consult the wishes of passengers immediately 
around him before doing so. The discomforts of 
traveling should be borne cheerfully, for what may 
enhance your own comfort may endanger the health 
of some fellow-traveler. 

Attending to the Wants of Others. 

See everywhere and at all times that ladies and 



ETIQUETTE OF TRAVELING. 169 

elderly people have their wants supplied before you 
think of your own. Nor is there need for unmanly 
haste and pushing in entering or leaving cars or 
boats. There is always time enough allowed for each 
passenger to enter in a gentlemanly manner and with 
a due regard to the rights of others. 

If, in riding in the street-cars or crossing a ferry, 
your friend insists upon paying for you, permit him 
to do so without serious remonstrance. You can re- 
turn the favor at some other time. 

Reading when Traveling. 

If a gentleman in traveling, either on cars or 
steamboat, has provided himself with newspapers or 
other reading, he should offer them to his compan- 
ions first. If they are refused, he may with propriety 
read himself, leaving the others free to do the same 
if they wish. 

Occupying too many Seats. 

No lady will retain possession of more than her 
rightful seat in a crowded car. When others are 
looking for accommodations, she should at once and 
with nil cheerfulness so dispose of her baggage that 
the seat beside her may be occupied by anyone who 
desires it, no matter now agreeable it may be to re- 
tain possession of it. 

It shows a great lack of proper manners, to see 
two ladies or a lady and gentleman turn over the 
seat in front of them and fill it with their wraps and 



170 ETIQUETTE OF TRAVELING. 

bundles, retaining it in spite of the entreating or re- 
monstrating looks of fellow-passengers. In such a 
•case any person who needs a seat is justified in re- 
versing the back, removing the baggage and taking 
possession of the unused seat. 

Retaining Possession of a Seat. 

A gentleman in traveling may take possession of 
a seat and then go to purchase tickets or look after 
baggage or procure a lunch, leaving the seat in charge 
of a companion, or depositing traveling-bag or over- 
coat upon it to show that it is engaged. When a seat 
is thus occupied, the right of possession must be 
respected, and no one should presume to take a 
seat thus previously engaged, even though it may be 
wanted for a lady. A gentleman cannot, however, in 
justice, vacate his seat to take another in the smok- 
ing-car, and at the same time reserve his rights to the 
first seat. He pays for but one seat, and by taking 
another he forfeits the first. 

It is not required of a gentleman in a railway 
car to relinquish his seat in favor of a lady, though 
a gentleman of genuine breeding will do so rather 
than allow the lady to stand or to suffer inconve- 
nience from poor accommodations. 

In the street-cars the case is different. No woman 
should be allowed to stand while there is a seat oc- 
cupied by a man. The inconvenience to the man 
will be temporary and trifling at the most, and he 



ETIQUETTE OF TRAVELING. 171 

can well afford to suffer it rather than do an un- 
courteous act. 

Discretion in Forming Acquaintances. 

While an acquaintance formed in a railway car, 
or on a steamboat continues only during the trip, 
discretion should be used in making acquaintances. 
Ladies may, as has been stated, accept small courte- 
sies and favors from strangers, but must check at 
once any attempt at familiarity. On the other hand, 
no man who pretends to be a gentleman will attempt 
any familiarity. The practice of some young girls 
just entering into womanhood, of flirting with any 
young man they may chance meet, either in a rail- 
way car or on a steamboat, indicates low-breeding in 
the extreme. If, however, the journey is long, and 
especially if it be on a steamboat, a certain sociability 
may be allowed, and a married lady or a lady of 
middle age may use her privileges to make the jour- 
ney an enjoyable one, for fellow-passengers should 
always be sociable to one another. 




CHAPTER XV. 

^ibtng atib fritting* 

NE of the most exhilerating and enjoyable 
amusements that can be indulged in by either 
il|irp ladies or gentlemen is that of riding on 
horseback, and it is a matter of regret that 
it is not participated in to a much greater extent than 
it is. The etiquette of riding, though meagre, is exact 
and important. 

Learning to Ride. 

The first thing to do is to learn to ride, and no 
one should attempt to appear in public, until a few 
preliminary lessons in riding are taken. Until a 
person has learned to appear at ease on horseback, he 
or she should not appear in public. The advice given 
in the old rhyme should be kept in mind, viz: 

Keep up your head and your heart, 

Your hands and your heels keep down ; 

Press your knees close to your horse's sides, 
And your elbows close to your own. 

The Gentleman's Duty as an Escort. 

When a gentleman contemplates riding with a 

(172) 



BIDING AND DRIVING. 173 

lady, his first duty is to see that her horse is a proper 
one for her use, and one that she can readily manage. 
He must see that her saddle and bridle are perfectly 
secure, and trust nothing of this kind to the stable 
men, without personal examination. He must be 
punctual at the appointed hour, and not keep the 
lady waiting for him, clad in her riding costume. He 
should see the lady comfortably seated in her saddle, 
before he mounts himself; take his position on the 
lady's right, in riding, open all gates and pay all tolls 
on the road. 

Assisting a Lady to Mount. 

The lady will place herself on the near or left side 
of the horse, standing as close to it as possible 
with her skirt gathered in her left hand, her right 
hand upon the pommel, and her face toward the 
horse's head. The gentleman should stand at the 
horse's shoulder, facing the lady, and stooping, hold his 
hand so that she may place her left foot in it. This 
she does, when the foot is lifted, as she springs, so as 
to gently aid her in gaining the saddle. The gentle- 
man must then put her foot in the stirrup, smooth 
the skirt of her riding habit, and give her the reins 
and her riding whip. 

Riding with Ladies. 

In riding with one lady, a gentleman takes his 
position to the right of her. When riding with two or 
more, his position is still to the right, unless one of 
12 



174 BIDING AND DRIVING. 

them needs his assistance, or request his presence near 
her. He must offer all the courtesies of the road, and 
yield the best and shadiest side to the ladies. The 
lady must always decide upon the pace at which to 
ride. It is ungenerous to urge her or incite her horse 
to a faster gait than she feels competent to undertake. 
If a gentleman, when riding alone meets a lady 
who is walking and wishes to enter into conversation 
with her, he must alight and remain on foot while 
talking with her. 

Assisting a Lady to Alight from her Horse. 

After the ride, the gentleman must assist his com- 
panion to alight. She must first free her knee from 
the pommel, and be certain that her habit is entirely 
disengaged. He must then take his left hand in her 
right, and offer his left hand as a step for her foot. 
He then lowers his hand slowly and allows her to 
reach the ground gently without, springing. A lady 
should not attempt to spring from the saddle. 

Driving. 

The choicest seat in a double carriage is the one 
facing the horses, and gentlemen should always yield 
this seat to the ladies. If only one gentleman and 
one lady are riding in a two seated carriage, the 
gentleman must sit down opposite the lady, unless she 
invites him to a seat by her side. The place of 
honor is on the right hand of the seat facing the 
horses. This is also the seat of the hostess* which she 



BIDING AND DRIVING. 175 

never resigns. If she is not driving, it must be offered 
to the most distinguished lady. A person should enter 
a carriage with the back to the seat, so as to prevent 
turning round in the carriage. A gentleman must be 
careful not to trample upon or to crush a lady's dress. 
In driving one should always remember that the rule 
of the road in meeting and passing another vehicle is 
to keep to the right. 

Assisting Ladies to Alight. 

A gentleman must first alight from a carriage, even 
if he has to pass before a lady in doing so. He must 
then assist the ladies to alight. If there is a servant 
with the carriage, the latter may hold open the door, 
but the gentleman must by all means furnish the 
ladies the required assistance. If a lady has occasion 
to leave the carriage before the gentleman accompany- 
ing her, he must alight to assist her out, and if she 
wishes to resume her seat, he must again alight to 
help her to do so. 

In assisting a lady to enter a carriage, a gentleman 
will take care that the skirt of her dress is not allowed 
to hang outside. A carriage robe should be provided 
to protect her dress from the mud or dust of the road. 
The gentleman should provide the lady with her 
parasol, fan and shawl, and see that she is comfortable 
in every way, before he seats himself. 

Trusting the Driver. 
While driving with another who holds the reins, 



176 BIDING AND DRIVING. 

you must not interfere with the driver, as anything of 
this kind implies a reproof, which is very offensive. 
If you think his conduct wrong, or are in fear of 
danger resulting from his driving, you may delicately 
suggest a change, apologizing therefor. You should 
resign yourself to the driver's control, and be perfectly 
calm and self-possessed during the course of a drive. 



CHAPTER XVI 

©aujjtdjpp nnh ftarrrags* 

jSj^^HE correct behavior of young men toward 
mm to y° un § l a( iies, and of young ladies toward 
5) fornix young men, during that portion of their 
lives when they are respectively paying at- 
tention to and receiving attention from, one another, 
is a matter which requires consideration in a work of 
this nature. 

A Gentleman's Conduct Toward Ladies. 

Young people of either sex, who have arrived at 
mature age, and who are not engaged, have the ut- 
most freedom in their social intercourse in this coun- 
try, and are at liberty to associate and mingle freely 
in the same circles with those of the opposite sex. 
Gentlemen are at liberty to invite their lady friends 
to concerts, cperas, balls, etc., to call upon them at 
their homes, to ride and drive with them, and to 
make themselves agreeable to all young lidies to 
whom their company is acceptable. In fact they are 
at liberty to accept invitations and give them ad 
libitum. As soon, however, as a young gentleman 

(177) 



178 COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE. 

neglects all others, to devote himself to a single lady, 
he gives that lady reason to suppose that he is par- 
ticularly attracted to her, and may give her 
cause to believe that she is to become engaged to 
him, without telling her so. A gentleman who does 
not contemplate matrimony should not pay too ex- 
clusive attention to any one lady. - 

A Lady's Conduct Toward Gentlemen. 

A young lady who is not engaged may receive 
calls and attentions from such unmarried gentlemen 
as she desires, and may accept invitations to ride, to 
concerts, theatres, etc. She should use due discretion 
however, as to whom she favors by the acceptance of 
such invitations. A young lady should not allow 
special attentions from anyone to whom she is not 
specially attracted, because, first, she may do injury 
to the gentleman in seeming to give his suit encour- 
agement ; and, secondly, she may keep away from her 
those whom she likes better, but who will not approach 
her under the mistaken idea that her feelings are 
already interested. A young lady should not encour- 
age the addresses of a gentleman unless she feels that 
she can return his affections. It is the prerogative of 
a man to propose, and of the woman to accept or 
refuse, and a lady of tact and kind heart will exer- 
cise her prerogative before her suitor is brought to 
the humiliation of an offer which must result in a 
refusal. 

No well-bred lady will too eagerly receive the at- 



COURTSHIP AND MABRTAGE. 179 

tentions of a gentleman, no matter how much she 
admires him; nor on the other hand, will she be so 
reserved as to altogether discourage him. A man may 
show considerable attention to a lady without becom- 
ing a lover ; and so a lady may let it be seen that 
she is not disagreeable to him without actually en- 
couraging him. She will be able to judge soon from 
his actions and deportment, as to his motive in pay- 
ing her his attentions, and will treat him accordingly. 
A man does not like to be refused when he mtJkes a 
proposal, and no man of tact will risk a refusal. 
Neither will a well-bred lady encourage a man to 
make a proposal, which she must refuse. She should 
endeavor, in discouraging him as a lover, to retain his 
friendship. A young man of sensibilities, who can 
take a hint when it is offered him, need not run the 
risk of a refusal. 

Premature Declarations. 

It is very injudicious, not to say presumptuous, 
for a gentleman to make a proposal to a young lady 
on too brief an acquaintance. A lady who would 
accept a gentleman at first sight can hardly possess 
the discretion needed to make a good wife. 

Thorough Acquaintance as a Basis for Marriage. 

Perhaps there is such a thing as love at first 
sight, but love alone is a very uncertain foundation 
upon which to base marriage. There should be thor- 
ough acquaintanceship and a certain knowledge of 



180 COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE. 

harmony of tastes and temperaments before matri- 
mony is ventured upon. 

Proper Manner op Courtship. 

It is impossible to lay down any rule as to the 
proper mode of courtship and proposal. In France 
it is the business of the parents to settle all prelimi- 
naries. In England the young man asks the consent 
of the parents to pay addresses to their daughter. In 
this country the matter is left almost entirely to the 
young people. 

It seems that circumstances must' determine wheth- 
er courtship may lead to engagement. Thus, a man 
may begin seriously to court a girl, but may discover 
before any promise binds them to each other, that 
they are entirety unsuited to one another, when he 
may, with perfect propriety and without serious injury 
to the lady, withdraw his attentions. 

Certain authorities insist that the leave of parents 
must always be obtained before the daughter is asked 
to give herself in marriage. While there is nothing 
improper or wrong in such a course, still, in this 
country, with our social customs, it is deemed best in 
most cases, not to be too strict in this regard. Each 
case has its own peculiar circumstances which must 
govern it, and it seems at least pardonable if the 
young man should prefer to know his fate directly 
from the lips of the most interested party, before he 
submits himself to the cooler judgment and the criti- 
cal observation of the father and mother, who are not 



COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE. 181 

by any means in love with him, and who may pos- 
sibly regard him with a somewhat jealous eye, as 
having already monopolized their daughter's affections, 
and now desires to take her away from them 
altogether. 

Parents should Exercise Authority over Daughters. 

Parents should always be perfectly familiar with 
the character of their daughter's associates, and they 
should exercise their authority so far as not to permit 
her to form any improper acquaintances. In regula- 
ting the social relations of their daughter, parents 
should bear in mind the possibility of her falling in 
love with any one with whom she may come in fre- 
quent contact. Therefore, if any gentleman of her 
acquaintance is particularly ineligible as a husband, 
he should be excluded as far as practicable from her 
society. 

A Watchful Care Required by Parents. 

Parents, especially mothers, should also watch with 
a jealous care the tendencies of their daughter's affec- 
tions ; and if they see them turning toward unworthy 
or undesirable objects, influence of some sort should 
be brought to bear to counteract this. Great delicacy 
and tact are required to manage matters rightly. A 
more suitable person may, if available, be brought 
forward, in the hope of attracting the young girl's 
attention. The objectionable traits of the undesirable 
suitor should be made apparent to her without the 
act seeming to be intentional ; and if all this fails, let 



182 COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE. 

change of scene and surroundings by travel or visiting 
accomplish the desired result. The latter course will 
generally do it, if matters have not been allowed to 
progress too far and the young girl is not informed 
why she is temporarily banished from home. 

An Acceptable Suitor. 

Parents should always be able to tell from obser- 
vation and instinct just how matters stand with their 
daughter ; and if the suitor is an acceptable one and 
everything satisfactory, then the most scrupulous rules 
of etiquette will not prevent their letting the young 
couple alone. If the lover chooses to propose directly 
to the lady and consult her father afterward, consider 
that he has a perfect right to do so. If her parents 
have sanctioned his visits and attentions by a silent 
consent, he has a right to believe that his addresses 
will be favorably received by them. > 

Requirements for a Happy Marriage. 

Respect for each other is as necessary to a happy 
marriage as that the husband and wife should have 
an affection for one another. Social equality, intel- 
lectual sympathy, and sufficient means are very im- 
portant matters to be considered by those who corn- 
template matrimony. 

It must be remembered that husband and wife y 
after, marriage, have social relations, to sustain, and 
perhaps it will be discovered, before many months of 
wedded life have passed, when there is a social ine- 



COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE. 183 

quality, that one of the two has made a sacrifice for 
which no adequate compensation has been or ever 
will be received. And so both lives become soured 
and spoiled, because neither receives nor can receive 
the sympathy which their efforts deserve, and because 
their cares are multiplied from of a want of congeni- 
ality. One or the other may find that the noble 
, qualities seen by the impulse of early love, were but 
the creation of an infatuated fancy, existing only hx 
the mind where it originated. 

Another condition of domestic happiness is intel- 
lectual sympathy. Man requires a woman who can 
make his home a place of rest to him, and woman 
requires a man of domestic tastes. While a woman 
who seeks to find happiness in a married life will 
never consent to be wedded to an idler or a pleasure- 
seeker, so a man of intelligence will wed none but a 
woman of intelligence and good sense. Neither beauty,, 
physical characteristics nor other external considera- 
tions will compensate for the absence of intelligent 
thought and clear and quick comprehensions. An 
absurd idea is held by some that intelligence and 
domestic virtues cannot go together, that an intellect- 
ual woman will never be content to stay at home to 
look after the interests of her household and children. 
A more unreasonable idea has never been suggested, 
for as the intellect is strengthened and cultured, it 
has a greater capacity of affection, of domesticity and 
of self-sacrifice for others. 

Mutual trust and confidence is another requisite 



184 COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE. 

for happiness in married life. There can be no true 
love without trust. The responsibility of a man's life 
is in a woman's keeping from the moment he puts 
his heart into her hands. Without mutual trust there 
can be no real happiness. 

Another requisite for conjugal happiness is moral 
and religious sj^mpathy, that each may walk side by 
side in the same path of moral purpose and social 
usefulness, with joint hope of immortality. 

Proposals of Marriage. 

Rules in regard to proposals of marriage cannot be 
laid down, for they are and should be as different as 
people. The best way is to apply to the lady in 
person, and receive the answer from her own lips. 
If courage should fail a man in this, he can resort to 
writing, by which he can clearly and boldly express 
his feelings. A spoken declaration should be bold, 
manly and earnest, and so plain in its meaning that 
there can be no misunderstanding. As to the exact 
words to be used, there can be no set formula ; each 
proposer must be governed by his own ideas and 
sense of propriety in the matter. 

Do not Press an Unwelcome Suit. 

A gentleman should evince a sincere and unselfish 
affection for his beloved, and try not only to act, but 
to feel that her happiness must be considered before 
his own. Consequently he should not press an un- 
welcome suit upon a young lady. If she has no 



COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE. 185 

affection for him, and does not conceive it possible 
ever to entertain any, it is cruel to urge her to give 
her person without her love. The eager lover may 
believe, for the time being, that such possession would 
satisfy him, but the day will surely come when he 
will reproach his wife that she had no love for him, 
and he will possibly make that an excuse for all 
manner of unkindnesses. 

A Lady's First Refusal. 

It is not always necessary to take a lady's first 
refusal as absolute. Diffidence or uncertainty as to 
her own feelings may sometimes influence a lady to 
reply in the negative, and after-consideration cause 
her to regret that reply. 

Though a gentleman may repeat his suit with pro- 
priety after having been once repulsed, still it should 
not be repeated too often nor too long, lest it should 
degenerate into importuning. 

No lady worthy any gentleman's regard will say 
"no" twice to a suit which she intends ultimately to 
receive with favor. A lady should be allowed all the 
time she requires before making up her mind ; and if 
the gentleman grows impatient of the delay, he is al- 
ways at liberty to insist on an immediate answer and 
abide by the consequences of his impatience. 

A Lady's Positive Refusal. 

A lady who really means "no" should be able to 
bo say it as to make her meaning unmistakable. For 



186 COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE. 

her own sake and that of her suitor, if she really de- 
sires the suit ended, her denial should be positive, 
yet kind and dignified, and of a character to let no 
doubt remain of its being final. 

Trifling with a Lady. 

A man should never make a declaration in a jest- 
ing manner. It is most unfair to the lady. He has 
no right to trifle with her feelings for mere sport, nor 
has he a right to hide his own meaning under the 
guise of jest. 

A Doubtful Answer. 

Nothing can be more unfair or more unjustifiable 
than a doubtful answer given under the plea of spar- 
ing the suitor's feelings. It raises false hopes. It 
renders a man restless and unsettled. It may cause 
him to express himself or to shape his conduct in 
such a manner as he would not dream, of doing were 
his suit utterly hopeless. 

How to Treat a Refusal. 

As a woman is not bound to accept the first offer 
that is made to her, so no sensible man will think 
the worse of her nor feel himself personally injured by 
a refusal. That it will give him pain is most proba- 
ble. A scornful " no " or a simpering promise to 
" think about it " is the reverse of generous. 

In refusing, the lady ought to convey her full 
sense of the high honor intended her by the gentle- 
man, and to add, seriously but not offensively, that 



COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE. 187 

it is not in accordance with her inclination, or that 
circumstances compel her to give an unfavorable an- 
swer. 

Unladylike Conduct Toward a Suitor. 

It is only the contemptible flirt who keeps an 
honorable man in suspense for the purpose of glorify- 
ing herself by his attentions in the eyes of friends. 
Nor would any but a frivolous or vicious girl boast 
of the offer she had received and rejected. Such an 
otter is a privileged communication. The secret of it 
should be held sacred. No true lady will ever divulge 
to anyone, unless it may be to her mother, the fact 
of such an offer. It is the severest breach of honor 
to do so. A lady who has once been guilty of boast- 
ing of an offer should never have a second opportun- 
ity for thus boasting. 

No true-hearted woman can entertain any other 
feeling than that of commiseration for the man over 
whose happiness she has been compelled to throw a 
cloud, while the idea of triumphing in his distress, or 
abusing his confidence, must be inexpressibly painful 
to her. 

The Rejected Suitor. 

The duty of the rejected suitor is quite clear. 
Etiquette demands that he shall accept the lady's de- 
cision as final and retire from the field. He has no 
right to demand the reason of her refusal. If .she 
assign it, he is bound to respect her secret, if it is 
one, and to hold it inviolable. To persist in urging 



188 COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE. 

his suit or to follow up the lady with marked atten- 
tions would be in the worst possible taste. The 
proper course is to withdraw, as much as possible, 
from the circles in which she moves, so that she may- 
be spared reminiscences which cannot ^ be other than 
painful. 

Asking Consent of Parents. 

When a gentleman is accepted by the lady of his 
choice, the next thing in order is to go at once to her 
parents for their approval. In presenting his suit to 
them he should remember that it is not from the 
sentimental but the practical side that they will re- 
gard the affair. Therefore, after describing the state 
of his affections in as calm a manner as possible, and 
perhaps hinting that their daughter is not indifferent 
to him, let him at once frankly, without waiting to 
be questioned, give an account of his pecuniary re- 
sources and his general prospects in life; in order that 
the -parents may judge whether he can properly pro- 
vide for a wife and possible family. 

Presents after Engagement. 

When a couple become engaged, the gentleman 
presents the lady with a ring, which is worn on the 
ring-finger of the right hand. Pie may also make 
her other small presents from time to time, until they 
are married, but if she has any scruples about accept- 
ing them, he can send her flowers, which are at all 
times acceptable. 



COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE. 189 

Conduct of the Fiance. 
The conduct of the fiance should be tender, assid- 
uous and unobtrusive. He will be kind and polite to 
the sisters of his betrothed and friendly with her 
brothers. Yet he must not be in any way unduly famil- 
iar or force himself into family confidences on the ground 
that he is to be regarded as a member of the family. 
Let the advances come rather from them to him, and 
let him show a due appreciation of any confidences 
which they may be pleased to bestow upon him. 
The family of the young man should make the first 
advances toward an acquaintance with his future wife. 
They should call upon her or write to her, and they 
may with perfect propriety invite her to visit them in 
order that they may become acquainted. 

The Position of an Engaged Woman. 

An engaged woman should eschew all flirtations, 
though it does not follow that she is to cut herself off 
from all association with the other sex because she 
has chosen her future husband. She may still have 
friends and acquaintances, she may still receive visits 
and calls, but she must try to conduct herself in such 
a manner as to give no offense. 

Position of an Engaged Man. 

The same rules may be laid down in regard to 
the other party to the contract, only that he pays 
visits instead of receiving them. Neither should as- 
sume a masterful or jealous attitude toward the other. 
13 



190 COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE. 

They are neither of them to be shut up away frora 
the rest of the world, but must mingle in society after 
marriage nearly the same as before, and take the 
same delight in friendship. The fact that they have 
confessed their love to each other ought to be deemed 
a sufficient guarantee of faithfulness ; for the rest let 
there be trust and confidence. 

The Relations of an Engaged Couple. 

A young man has no right to put a slight upon 
his future bride by appearing in public with other 
ladies while she remains neglected at home. He is 
in future her legitimate escort. He should attend no 
other lady when she needs his services ; she should 
accept no other escort when he is at liberty to attend 
her. A lady should not be too demonstrative of her 
affection during the days of her engagement. There 
is always the chance of " a slip ''twixt the cup 
arid the lip ;•" and overt demonstrations of love 
are not pleasant to remember by a young lady, if the 
man to whom they are given by any chance fails to 
become her husband. An honorable man will never 
tempt his future bride to any such demonstration. 
He will always maintain a respectful and decorous 
demeanor toward her. 

No young man who would shrink from being 
guilty of a great impropriety, should ever prolong his 
visits beyond ten o'clock, unless it be the common 
custom of the family to remain up and to entertain 
visitors to a later hour, and the visit paid is a family 



COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE. 191 

one and not a tete-d-tete. Two hours is quite long 
enough for a call ; and the young man will give evi- 
dence of his affection no less than his consideration, 
by making his visits short, and if need be making 
them often, rather than by prolonging to unreasonable 

hours. 

Lovers' Disputes. 

Neither party should try to make the other jealous 
for the purpose of testing his or her affection. Such 
a course is contemptible ; and if the affections of the 
other are permanently lost by it, the offending party 
is only gaining his or her just deserts. Neither should 
there be provocation to little quarrels for the foolish 
delight of reconciliation. No lover will assume a 
domineering attitude over his future wife. If he does 
so, she will do well to escape from his thrall before 
she becomes his wife in reality. A domineering lover 
will be certain to be more domineering as a husband. 

Breaking an Engagement. 

Sometimes it is necessary to break off an engage- 
ment. Many circumstances will justify this. Indeed, 
anything which may occur or be discovered which 
shall promise to render the marriage an unsuitable or 
unhappy one is, and should be accepted as, justifica- 
tion for such rupture. Still, breaking an engagement 
is always a serious and distressing thing, and ought 
not to be contemplated without absolute and just rea- 
sons. It is generally best to break an engagement by 
letter. By this means one can express himself or her- 



192 COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE. 

self more clearly, and give the true reasons for his or 
her course much better than in a personal interview. 
The letter breaking the engagement should be accom- 
panied by everything, in the wa}^ of portraits, letters 
or gifts, that has been received during the engage- 
ment. Such letter should be acknowledged in a dig- 
nified manner, and no efforts should be made or 
measures be taken to change the decision of the writer, 
unless it is manifest that he or she is greatly mis- 
taken in his or her premises. A similar return of 
letters, portraits and gifts should be made. 

Many men, in taking retrospective glances, remem- 
ber how they were devoted to women, the memory 
of whom calls up only a vague sort of wonder how 
they ever could have fallen into the state of infatua- 
tion in which they once were. The same may be 
said of many women. Heart-breaking separations 
have taken place between young men and young 
women who have learned that the sting of parting 
does not last forever. The heart, lacerated by a hope- 
less or misplaced attachment, when severed from the 
cause of its woe, gradually heals and prepares itself 
to receive fresh wounds, for affection requires either a 
constant contemplation of, or intercourse with its ob- 
ject, to. keep it alive. 




CHAPTER XVII. 

JHtipttj 4 tabbing*. 

|i»<j^HE circumstances under which weddings take 
place are so varied, and the religious forms 
S>) observed in their solemnization so numerous, 
that to lay down rules applicable to all cases 
would be a matter of great difficulty, if not an im- 
possibility. Consequently only those forms of marriage 
attended with the fullest ceremonies, and all the at_ 
tendant ceremonials will here be given, and others 
may be modeled after them as the occasion may 
seem to require. 

After the marriage invitations are issued, the 
fiancee does not appear in public. It is also de rigueur 
at morning weddings, that she does not see the bride- 
groom on the wedding-day, until they meet at the 
altar. 

The Bridemaids and Groomsmen. 

Only relatives and the most intimate friends are 
asked to be bridemaids — the sisters of the bride and 
of the bridegroom, where it is possible. The bride- 
groom chooses his best man and the groomsmen or 
ushers from his circle of relatives and friends of his 

(193) 



194 ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 

own age, and from the relatives of his fiande of a 
suitable age. The dresses of the bridemaids are not 
given unless their circumstances are such as to make 
it necessary. 

The Bridal Costume. 

The most approved bridal costume for young 
brides is of white silk, high corsage, a long wide veil 
of white tulle, reaching to the feet, and a wreath of 
maiden-blush roses with orange blossoms. The roses 
she can continue to wear, but the orange blossoms 
are only suitable for the ceremony. 

Costumes of the Bridegroom and Ushers. 

The bridegroom and ushers, at a morning wedding, 
wear full morning dress, dark blue or black frock 
coats, or cut-aways light neckties, and light trousers. The 
bridegroom wears white gloves. The ushers wear gloves 
of -some delicate color. 

Presents of the Bride and Bridegroom. 

Where the bride makes presents to bridemaids on 
her wedding-day, they generally consist of some ar- 
ticles of jewelry, not costly, and given more as a me- 
mento of the occasion than for their own intrinsic 
worth. The bridegroom sometimes gives his grooms- 
men a scarf pin of some quaint device, or some 
other slight memento of the day, as a slight acknowl- 
edgment of their services. 



ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 195 

Ceremonials when there are no Ushers or 
Bridemaids. 

When there are no bridemaids or ushers the mar- 
riage ceremonials at the church are as follows : The 
members of the bride's family proceed to the church 
before the bride, who follows with her mother. The 
bridegroom awaits them at the church and gives his 
arm to the bride's mother. They walk up the aisle to 
the altar, the mother falling back to her position on 
the left. The father, or relative representing him, con- 
ducts the bride to the bridegroom, who stands at the 
altar with his face turned toward her as she approach- 
es, and the father falls back to the left. The relatives 
follow, taking their places standing ; .those of the 
bride to the left, those of the groom to the right. 
After kneeling at the altar for a moment, the 
bride, standing on the left of the bridegroom, takes 
the glove off from her left hand, while he takes the 
glove off from his right hand. The service then begins. 
The father of the bride gives her away by bowing 
when the question is asked, which is a much simpler 
form than stepping forward and placing his daughter's 
hand in that of the clergyman. Perfect self-control 
should be exhibited by all parties during the cere- 
mony. 

The bride leaves the altar, taking the bridegroom's 
right arm, and they pass down the aisle without look- 
ing to the right or left. It is considered very bad 
form to recognize acquaintances by bows and smiles 
while in the church. 



196 ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 

The bride and bridegroom drive away in their own 
carriage, the rest following in their carriages. 

Invitations to the Ceremony Only. 

When the circle of friends on both sides is very- 
extensive, it has become customary of late to send 
invitations to such as are not called to the wedding- 
breakfast, to attend the ceremony at church. This 
stands in the place of issuing cards. No one must 
think of calling on the newly married couple who 
has not received an invitation to the ceremony at 
church, or cards after their establishment in their new 
home. 

The Latest Ceremonials. 

The latest New York form for conducting the 
marriage ceremony, is substantially as follows : 

When the bridal party has arranged itself for en- 
trance, the ushers, in pairs, march slowly up to the 
altar, and turn to the right. Behind them follows the 
groom alone. When he reaches the altar he turns, 
faces the aisle, and watches intently for the coming of 
his bride. After a very slight interval the bridemaids 
follow him, in pairs, and they turn to the left. After 
another brief interval, the bride, alone and entirely 
veiled, with her eyes cast down, follows her compan- 
ions. The groom comes forward a few steps to meet 
her, takes her hand, and places her at the altar. 
Both kneel for a moment's silent devotion. The 
parents of the bride, having followed her, stand just 



ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 197 

behind her and partly to the left. The services by 
the clergyman now proceed as usual. 

While the bride and bridegroom are passing out of 
the church, the bridemaids follow slowly, each upon 
the arm of an usher, and they afterward hasten on as 
speedily as possible to welcome the bride at her own 
door, and to arrange themselves about the bride and 
groom in the reception room, half of the ladies upon 
her side and half upon his, — the first bridemaid 
retaining the place of honor. 

The Ushers' Duties. 

The ushers at the door of the reception room offer 
themselves as escorts to parties, who arrive slowly 
from the church, conducting them to the bridal party,, 
and there presenting them by name. This announce- 
ment becomes necessary when two families and two 
sets of friends are brought together for the first time* 
If ladies are present without gentlemen, the ushers 
accompany them to the breakfast or refreshment room^ 
or provide them with attendants. 

At the church the ushers are the first to arrive. 
They stand by the inner entrance and offer their arms 
to escort the ladies, as they enter, to their proper 
seats in the church. If a lady be accompanied by a 
gentleman, the latter follows the usher and the lady 
to the seat shown her. The ushers, knowing the two 
families, understand where to place the nearer, and 
where the remoter relatives and friends of the bridal 
party ; the groom's friends being arranged upon the 



398 ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 

right of the entrance, and the bride's upon the left. 
The distribution of guests places the father (or guard- 
ian) of the bride at the proper place during the 
ceremony. 

Another Form of Church Ceremonials. 

The ceremonials for the entry of the church by the 
bridal party may be varied to suit the taste. Prece- 
dents for the style already described are found among 
the highest social circles in New York and other large 
cities, but there are brides who prefer the fashion of 
their grand-mothers, which is almost strictly an Amer- 
can fashion. In this style, the bridemaids, each 
leaning upon the arm of a groomsman, first pass up 
the aisle to the altar, the ladies going to their left, and 
the gentlemen to their right. The groom follows with 
the bride's mother, or some one to represent her, 
leaning oh his arm, whom he seats in a front pew at 
the left. The bride follows, clinging to the arm of 
her 'father (or a near relative), who leads her to the 
groom. The father waits at her left and a step or 
two back of her, until asked to give her away, which 
he does by taking her right hand and placing it in 
that of the clergyman. After this he joins the mother 
of the bride in the front pew, and becomes her escort 
while they pass out of the church. 

In case there are no bridemaids, the ushers walk 
into church in pairs, just in advance of the groom 
and parting at the altar, half of them stand at one 
side and half at the other. While the clergyman is 



ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 199 

congratulating the bride, they pass out in pairs, a 
little in advance of the wedded couple. 

Weddings at Home. 

Weddings at home vary but little from those at 
church. The music, the assembling of friends, the 
entree of the bridal party to the position selected, are 
the same. An altar of flowers, and a place of kneel- 
ing can be easily arranged at home. The space 
behind the altar need be no wider than is allowed for 
the clergyman to stand. The altar is generally only 
a fender or railing entirely wound and concealed by 
greenery or blossoms. Other floral accessories, such 
as the marriage bell, horseshoe or white-dove, etc., 
can be arranged with ease by a skillful florist, if 
desired. 

When the marriage ceremony is concluded, the 
party turn in their places and face their friends, who 
proceed to congratulate them. If space be required, the 
kneeling-stool and floral altar may be removed, a 
little later, without observation. 

The Evening Wedding. 

If the wedding occur in the evening, the only dif- 
ference in the ceremonials from those in the morning 
is, that the ushers or groomsmen wear full evening- 
dress, and the bridal pair retire quietly to dress for 
their journey before the dancing party disperses, and 
thus leave unobserved. At the morning wedding 



200 ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 

only bridemaids, ushers and relatives remain to wit- 
ness the departure of the pair. 

" At Home " Receptions. 

When the newly married couple commence life in 
a home of their own, it is customary to issue " at 
home " cards for a few evenings, at an early date 
after the wedding, for informal receptions. Only such 
persons are invited as the young couple choose to keep 
as friends, or perhaps only those whom they can 
afford to retain. This is a suitable opportunity to 
carefully re-arrange one's social list, and this list of 
old acquaintances may be sifted at the time of the 
beginning of housekeeping. This custom of arranging 
a fresh list is admitted as a social necessity, and nobody 
is offended. 

Calls. 

All guests and friends who receive " at home " in- 
vitations or who are invited to the church, are re- 
quired by etiquette to call upon the family of the 
bride or to leave their cards, within ten days after 
their wedding. 

The Wedding Ring. 

All churches at present use the ring, and vary the 
sentiment of its adoption to suit the customs and 
ideas of their own rites. A jeweled ring has been 
for many years the sign and symbol of betrothal, but 
at present a plain gold circlet, with the date of the 
engagement inscribed within, is generally preferred. 



ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 201 

This ring is removed by the groom at the altar, pass- 
ed to the clergyman and used in the ceremony. A 
jeweled ring is placed upon her hand by the groom 
on the way home from the church, or as soon after 
the service as is convenient. It stands guard over its 
precious fellow, and is a confirmation of the first 
promise. 

The Marriage Ceremonial of a Widow. 

The marriage ceremonials of a widow differ from 
that of a young lady in not wearing the veil and or- 
ange blossoms. She may be costumed in white and 
have her maids at the altar if she pleases. This lib- 
erty, however, has only been given her within a few 
years. On her wedding cards of invitation, her maiden 
name is used as a part of her proper name ; which is 
done in respect to her parents. Having dropped the 
initials of her dead husband's name when she laid 
aside her mourning, she uses her Christian name. If 
she has sons or unmarried daughters at the time 
she becomes again a wife, she may prefix the last name 
of her children to her new one on all ceremonious 
occasions in which they are interested in common 
with herself. This respect is really due them, and 
etiquette permits it, although our social usages do not 
command its adoption. The formalities which follow 
the marriage of a widow can seldom be regulated in 
the same manner as those of a younger bride. No 
fixed forms can be arranged for entertainments, which 
must be controlled by circumstances. 



202 ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 

Invitations. 

Wedding invitations should be handsomely en- 
graved in script. Neither Old English nor German 
Text are admissible in invitations. The following is 
given as the latest form for invitations. 

Mr. & Mrs. Theodore Grosser, 

request your presence at the marriage of their daughter, 

Miss Felicia Grosser 

to 

Mr. Julius C. Forsyth, 

on Wednesday, September 5th, at 12 o'clock. 

St. Luke's Church, 

Main Avenue. 

This invitation requires no answer. Friends living 
in other towns and cities receiving it, inclose their 
cards, and send by mail. Residents call on the family 
within the prescribed time, or as soon after as possible. 

The invitation to the wedding breakfast is enclosed 
in the same envelope, generally conveyed on a square 
card, the same size as the sheet of note paper which 
bears the invitation for the ceremony after it has been 
once folded across the middle. The following is one 
of the adopted forms : 

At Home, 

Wednesday morning, September 5th, 

from 12 until 3 o'clock. 

20 Main Avenue. 

The separate cards of the bride and groom are no 
longer necessary. 

The card of admission to the church is narrower, 
and is plainly engraved in large script, as follows : 



ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 203 

St. Luke's Church, 
Ceremony at 12 o'clock. 

Generally only half an hour intervenes between the 
ceremony and the reception. 

Duties of those Invited. 

People who receive " At Home " wedding invita- 
tions, are expected to acknowledge them as soon as 
received, and never fail to accept, unless for some 
very good reason. Guests invited to the house, or to 
a marriage feast following the ceremony, should not 
feel at liberty to decline from any whim or caprice. 

Requirements of the Bridemaids and Ushers. 

Bridemaids and ushers should allow nothing but 
illness or some unavoidable accident to prevent them 
from officiating, thus showing their appreciation of the 
friendship which has caused their selection to this 
honored position. If by reason of sudden affliction, 
some one of the bridemaids or ushers is prevented 
from attending, a substitute should, if possible, be 
provided immediately. The reasons for this, however? 
should be well understood that no opportunity may 
be given for uncharitable comments. 

Bridal Presents. 

When bridal presents are given, they are sent to the 
bride, previous to the day of the marriage ceremony. 
As the universal bridal present has fallen into disuse, 
this custom is not now considered obligatory, and if 



.204 ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 

immediate friends and relations desire to make pre- 
sents, it should be spontaneous, and in no sense con- 
sidered obligatory. These presents are not put on 
exhibition as formerly, bu 4 : are acknowledged by the 
bride in a private note to the donor. It is not now 
considered in good form to talk about these contribu- 
tions. 

Arrangements for the Ceremonies. 

In weddings at churches a master of ceremonies is 
often provided, who is expected to be at the church 
as soon as the doors are opened, He arranges before- 
hand for the spreading of a carpet from the church 
door to the pavement, and if the weather be inclement, 
he sees that an awning is also spread. He also sees 
that a white ribbon is stretched across the main aisle 
•of the church, far enough back from the altar to 
afford sufficient room for all invited guests to occupy 
the front pews of the main aisle. Sometimes an arch 
of flowers extends over the aisle, so as tp divide those 
who come in wedding garments, from those who do 
not. The organist should be early at his post, and is 
expected to play during the arrival of guests. The 
order of the religious part of the marriage ceremony 
is fixed by the church in which it occurs. 

The Wedding Fees. 

There is no prescribed fee for performing the 
marriage ceremony. It is regulated according to the 
means and liberality of the bridegroom, but no less 
amount than five dollars should be given under any 
circumstances. 



ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 205 

The Congratulations. 

At wedding receptions, friends who congratulate 
the newly married couple should address the bride 
first, if they have any previous acquaintance with her, 
then the bridegroom, then the bridemaids, and after 
that the parents and family of the bride and groom. 
They should give their good wishes to the bride and 
congratulate the bridegroom. If they are acquainted 
with the bridegroom and not with the bride, let them 
address him first and he will introduce them to his 
bride. 

The Bridal Tour. 

The honeymoon of repose, exempt from all claims 
of society, is now prescribed by the dictates of 
common sense and fashion, and the same arbiters 
unite in condemning the harrassing bridal tour. It 
is no longer de rigueur to maintain any secrecy as to 
their plans for traveling, when a newly married couple 
depart upon a tour. 

14 




CHAPTER XVIII, 

Ifama Jtffe nnh ]Uajti$tte* 

jjOME is the woman's kingdom, and there she 
reigns supreme. To embellish that home, to 
make happy the lives of her husband and 
the dear ones committed to her trust is the 
honored task which it is the wife's province to per- 
form. All praise be to her who so rules and governs 
in that kingdom, that those reared beneath her roof 
shall rise up and call her blessed. 

A Home. 

After marriage one of the first requirements for 
happiness is a home. This can seldom be found in 
a boarding house or at a hotel, and not always be- 
neath the parental roof of either husband or wife. 
It will oftenest be found in a house or even a cot- 
tage apart from the immediate association of relatives 
or friends, acquaintances or strangers, and here 
husband and wife may begin in reality, that new 
life of which they have had fond dreams, and upon 
their own actions must depend their future welfare. 

(205) 



HOME LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 207 

Home Companionship. 

Husband and wife should remember, when start- 
ing out upon their newly wedded life, that they are 
to be life companions, that the affection which they 
have possessed and expressed as lovers must ripen 
1 nto a lifelong devotion to one another's welfare and 
happiness, that the closest of friendship must be be" 
gotten from their early love, and that each must live 
and work for the other. They must seek to be con- 
genial companions to each other, so that every hour 
they pass together will be mutually enjoyable. They 
should aim to have the same tastes, so that 
what one enjoys will be alike enjoyable to the other, 
and what is distasteful to one shall be no less so to 
the other. Each should yield in matters where it is 
right to yield, and be firm only where duty is con- 
cerned. With a firm trust in one another they should 
ever abide, that each may say to the world, " I pos- 
sess one on whose character and heart I can lean as 
upon a rock." 

Conduct of Husband and Wife. 
Let neither ever deceive the other, or do any- 
thing to shake the other's confidence, for once deceiv- 
ed, the heart can never wholly trust again. Fault- 
finding should only be done by gentle and mild 
criticism, and then with loving words and pleasant 
looks. Make allowances for one another's weaknesses, 
and at the same time endeavor to mutually repress 
them. For the sake of mutual improvement the hus- 



208 HOME LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

band and wife should receive and give corrections to 
one another in a spirit of kindness, and in doing so 
they will prepare themselves for the work God gives 
the parents of training lives for usefulness here and 
hereafter. Their motto should be " faithful unto 
death in all things," and they must exercise forbear- 
ance with each other's peculiarities. 

Let both preserve a strict guard over their tongues, 
that neither may utter anything rude, contemptuous 
or severe, and guard their tempers, that neither may 
ever grow passionate or become sullen or morose in 
one another's presence. They should not expect too 
much from each other; if either offends, it is the part 
of the other to forgive, remembering that no one is 
free from faults, and that we are all constantly erring. 

If perchance, after they have entered upon the 
stern realities of life, they find that they have made 
a mistake, that they are not well mated, then they 
must accept the inevitable and endure to the end, 
" for better or for worse ; " for only in this way can 
they find consolation for having found out, when too 
late, that they were unfitted for a life-long companion- 
ship. A journalist has said : " No lessons learned by 
experience, however sharply taught and sadly earned, 
can enlighten the numbed senses which love has sent 
to sleep by its magic fascination ; and things as plain 
as the sun in heaven to others are dark as night, 
unfathomable as the sea, to those who let themselves 
love before they prove." 



HOME LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 209 

Duties of the Wife to her Husband. 

The wife should remember that upon her, to the 
greatest extent, devolves the duty of making home 
happy. She should do nothing to make her husband 
feel uncomfortable, either mentally or physically, but 
on the other hand she should strive to the utmost of 
her ability to do whatever is best calculated to please 
him, continually showing him that her love, plighted 
upon the altar, remains steadfast, and that no vicissi- 
tudes of fortune can change or diminish it. 

She should never indulge in fits of temper, hys- 
terics, or other habits of ill-breeding, which, though 
easy to conquer at first, grow and strengthen With 
indulgence, if she would retain her husband as her 
lover and her dearest and nearest friend. She should 
be equally as neat and tidy respecting her dress and 
personal appearance at home as when she appears in 
society, and her manners toward her husband should 
be as kind and pleasing when alone with him as 
when in company. She should bear in mind that to 
retain the good opinion of her husband is worth far 
more than to gain the good opinion of hundreds of 
the devotees of society, and that as she possesses the 
love and confidence of her husband, so will she re- 
ceive the respect and esteem of all his friends. 

She should be careful not to confide to another 
any small misunderstandings or petty quarrels 
between herself and husband, should' any occur. This 
is the surest method of widening any breach of har- 



210 HOME LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

mony that may occur between husband and wife, for 
the more such misunderstandings are talked about 
and the more advice she receives from her confidants, 
there is less probability that harmonious relations 
will be speedily resumed. 

The Wife a Helpmate. 

A wife should act openly and honorably in regard 
to money matters, keeping an exact account of her 
expenditures, and carefully guarding against any ex- 
travagancies ; and while her husband is industriously 
at work, she should seek to encourage him, by her 
own frugality, to be economical, thrifty, enterpris- 
ing and prosperous in his business, that he may be 
better enabled, as years go by and family cares press 
more heavily upon each, to afford all the comforts 
and perhaps some of the luxuries of a happy home. 
No condition is hopeless when the wife possesses firm- 
ness, decision and economy, and no outward prosperity 
can counteract indolence, folly and extravagance at 
home. She should consult the disposition and tastes 
of her husband, and endeavor to lead him to high 
and noble thoughts, lofty aims, and temporal comfort; 
be ever ready to welcome him home, and in his com- 
panionship, draw his thoughts from business and lead 
him to the enjoyment of home comforts and happiness^ 
The influence of a good wife over her husband may 
be very great, if she exerts it in the right direction^ 
She should, above all things, study to learn the dis- 
position of her husband, and if, perchance, she finds 



HOME LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 211 

herself united to a man of quick and violent temper, 

the utmost discretion, as well as perfect equanimity 

on her own part is required, for she should have such 

perfect control over herself as to calm his perturbed 

spirits. 

A Husband's Duties. 

It must not be supposed that it devolves upon the 
wife alone to make married life and home happy. 
She must be seconded in her noble efforts by him, 
who took her from her own parental fireside and kind 
friends, to be his companion through life's pilgrimage. 
He has placed her in a new home, provided with 
such comforts as his means permit, and the whole 
current of both their lives have been changed. His 
constant duty to his wife is to be ever kind and at- 
tentive, to love her as he loves himself, even sacrific- 
ing his own personal comforts for her happiness. 
From his affection for her, there should grow out a 
friendship and fellowship, such as is possessed for no 
other person. His evenings and spare moments should 
be devoted to her, and these should be used for their 
intellectual, moral and social advancement. 

The cares and anxiety of business should not ex- 
clude the attentions due to wife and family, while 
he should carefully keep her informed of the condi- 
tion of his business affairs. Many a wife is capable 
of giving her husband important advice about various 
details of his business, and if she knows the condition 
of his pecuniary affairs, she will be able to govern 
her expenditures accordingly. 



212 HOME LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 

It is the husband's duty to join with his wife in 
all her endeavors to instruct her children, to defer 
all matters pertaining to their discipline to her, aid- 
ing her in this respect as she requires it. In house- 
hold matters the wife rules predominant, and he 
should never interfere with her authority and govern- 
ment in this sphere. It is his duty and should be 
his pleasure to accompany her to church, to social 
gatherings, to lectures and such places of entertain 
ment as they both mutually enjoy and appreciate. 
In fact, he ought not to attend a social gathering 
unless accompanied by his wife, nor go to an evening 
entertainment without her. If it is not a fit place 
for his wife to attend, neither is it fit for him. 

While he should give his wife his perfect confi- 
dence in her faithfulness, trusting implicitly to her 
honor at all times and in all places, he should, on 
his part, remain faithful and constant tp her, and give 
her no cause of complaint. He should pass by un- 
noticed any disagreeable peculiarities and mistakes, 
taking care at the proper time, and without giving 
offense, to remind her of them, with the idea of hav- 
ing her correct them. He should never seek to break 
her of any disagreeable habits or peculiarities she 
may possess by ridiculing them. He should encour- 
age her in all her schemes for promoting the welfare 
of her household, or in laudable endeavors to promote 
the happiness of others, by engaging in such works of 
benevolence and charity, as the duties of her home 
will allow her to perform. 



HOME LIFE AND ETIQUETTE. 213 

The husband, in fact, should act toward his wife 
as becomes a perfect gentleman, regarding her as the 
" best lady in the land," to whom, above all other 
earthly beings, he owes paramount allegiance. If he 
so endeavors to act, his good sense and judgment will 
dictate to him the many little courtesies which are 
due her, and which every good wife cannot fail to 
appreciate. The observance of the rules of politeness 
are nowhere more desirable than in the domestic 
circle, between husband and wife, parents and children. 




CHAPTER XIX. 

Ipoms framing* 

JUR earliest and best recollections are associated 
with home. There the first lessons of infancy 
are learned. The mother's heart is the child's 
first school-room. The parents' examples are 
first imitated by the child whose earliest impressions 
are gained from them. In no way are evil habits 
more effectually propagated than by example, and 
therefore parents should be what they wish their 
children to be. 

The Mother's Influence. 

To the mother belongs the privilege of planting in 
the hearts of her children those seeds of love, which, 
nurtured and fostered, will bear the fruit of earnest 
and useful lives. It is she who must fit them to 
meet the duties and emergencies of life, and in this 
work of training she keeps her heart fresh and young, 
and thereby insures the growth of those powers with 
which nature has endowed her. 

As the faculties of man, woman or child are 
brought into active exercise, so do they become 

(214) 



HOME TRAINING. 215 

strengthened, and the mother, in doing her work in 
the training of her children, grows in wisdom, in 
knowledge and in power, thus enabling her the bet- 
ter to perform her duties. 

Parents Should set Good Examples. 

As children first acquire knowledge and habits 
from the examples of their parents, the latter should 
be circumspect in all their actions, manners and 
modes of speech. If you wish your children's faces 
illumined with good humor, contentment and satis- 
faction, so that they will be cheerful, joyous and 
happy, day by day, then must your own countenance 
appear illumined by the sunshine of love. Kind 
words, kind deeds and loving looks are true works of 
charity, and they are needed in our home circle. 

Your children will form habits of evil speaking if 
they hear you deal lightly with the reputation of 
another — if they hear you slander or revile your 
neighbor. If you wish your child to show charity 
toward the erring, you must set the example by the 
habitual exercise of that virtue yourself. Without 
this your teaching will be of but little avail. If you 
take pleasure in dwelling upon the faults of others, 
if you refuse to cover over their infirmities with the 
mantle of charity, your example will nullify your 
teaching, and yoiir admonitions will be lost. 

Courtesies in the Home Circle. 
Mothers should early train their children to regard 



216 HOME TRAINING. 

all the courtesies of life as scrupulously to ward each 
other as to mere acquaintances and strangers. This 
is the only way in which you can secure to them the 
daily enjoyment of a happy home. When the ex- 
ternal forms of courtesy are disregarded in the family 
circle, we are sure to find contention and bickering 
perpetually recurring. Rudeness is a constant source 
of bickering. Each will have his own way of being 
rude, and each will be angry at some portion of the 
ill-breeding of all the rest, thus provoking accusations 
and retorts. Where the rule of life is to do good and 
and make others happy, there will be found the art 
of securing a happy home. It is said that there is 
something higher in politeness than Christian moralists 
have recognized. In its best forms, none but the 
truly religious man can show it, for it is the sacrifice 
of self in the little habitual matters of life — always 
the best test of our principles — together with a respect 
for man as our brother, under the same great destiny. 

Early Moral Training. 

The true test of the success of any education is 
its efficiency in giving full use of the moral and in- 
tellectual faculties, wherewith to meet the duties and 
the struggles of life, and not by the variety of knowl- 
edge acquired. The development of the powers of the 
mind and its cultivation are the work of the teacher; 
moral training is the work of the mother, and commences 
long before one word of precept can be understood. 
Children should be early taught to regard the rights 



HOME TRAINING. 217 

of others, that they may early learn the rights which 
property confers and not entertain confused ideas 
upon the subject. 

The Formation of Habits. 

Virtue is the child of good habits, and the forma- 
tion of habits may be said to almost constitute the 
whole work of education. The mother can create 
habits which shall mould character and enable the 
mind to maintain that habitual sense of duty which 
gives command over the passions, and power to fight 
temptation, and which makes obedience to principle 
comparatively easy, under most circumstances. The 
social and domestic life are marred by habits which 
have grown into a second nature. It is not in an 
occasional act of civility that the charm of either 
home or society consists, but in continued practice of 
courtesy and respect for the rights and feelings of 
those around us. Whatever may be the precepts of 
a home, the practices of the fireside will give form to 
the habits. Parents who indulge in gossip, scandal 
slander and tale-telling, will rear children possessing 
the same tastes and deteriorating habits. A parent's 
example outlines het child's character. It sinks 
down deep into his heart and influences his whole 
life for good or for evil. A parent should carefully 
avoid speaking evil of others, and should never ex- 
hibit faults requiring the mantle of charity to cover. 
A parent's example should be such as to excite an 
abhorrence of evil speaking, of tattling and of unchari- 



218 HOME TRAINING. 

table construction of the motives of others. Let the 
mother begin the proper training of her children in 
early life and she will be able to so mould their 
characters that not only will they acquire the 
habit of bridling the tongue, but they will learn to 
avoid the presence of the slanderer as they do a 
deadly viper. 

Politeness at Home. 

Genuine politeness is a great fosterer of domestic 
love, and those who are habitually polished at home 
are those who exhibit good manners when abroad. 
When parents receive any little attention from their 
children, they should thank them for it. They should 
ask a favor only in a courteous way; never reply to 
questions in monosyllables, or indulge in the rudeness 
of paying no attention to a question, for such an ex- 
ample will be surely followed by the children. Par- 
ents sometimes thoughtlessly allow their children to 
form habits of disrespect in the home circle, which 
crop out in the bad manners that are found in 
society. 

How to Reprove. 

Parents should never check expressions of tender- 
ness in their children, nor humiliate them before 
others. This will not only cause suffering to little 
sensitive hearts, but will tend to harden them. Re- 
proof, if needed, should be administered to each 
child singly and alone. 



HOME TRAINING. 219 

Cheerfulness at the Table. 

Children should not be prohibited from laughing 
and talking at the table. Joyousness promotes the 
circulation of the blood, enlivens and invigorates it 
and sends it to all parts of the system, carrying with 
it animation, vigor and life. Controversy should not 
be permitted at the table, nor should any subjects 
which call forth political or religious differences. 
Every topic introduced should be calculated to in- 
struct, interest or amuse. Business matters, past dis- 
appointments and mishaps should not be alluded to, 
nor should bad news be spoken of at the table, nor 
for half an hour before. All conversation should be 
of joyous and gladsome character, such as will bring 
out pleasant remarks and agreeable associations. Re- 
proof should never be administered at the table, 
cither to a child or to a servant ; no fault found 
with anything, and no unkind word should be spoken. 
If remarks are to be made of absent ones, they should 
be of a kind and charitable nature. Thus will the 
family table be the centre of pleasant memories in 
future years, when the family shall have been scat- 
tered far and near, and some, perhaps, have been 
laid in their final resting-place. 

Train Children for Some Occupation. 

Chancellor Kent says : " Without some preparation 
made in youth for the sequel of life, children of all 
conditions would probably become idle and vicious 



220 HOME TRAINING. 

when they grow up, from want of good instruction 
and habits, and the means of subsistence, or from 
want of rational and useful occupations. A parent 
who sends his son into the world without educating 
him in some art, science, profession or business, does 
great injury to mankind, as well as to his son and 
his own family, for he defrauds the community of a 
useful citizen, and bequeaths to it a nuisance. That 
parent who trains his child for some special occupa- 
tion, who inspires him with a feeling of genuine self- 
respect, has contributed a useful citizen to society." 

Bad Temper. 
Dread an insubordinate temper, and deal with it 
as one of the greatest evils. Let the child feel by 
your manner that he is not a safe companion for the 
rest of the family when he is in anger. Allow no 
one to speak to him at such times, not even to an- 
swer a question. Take from him books, and whatever 
he may have, and place him where he shall feel that 
the indulgence of a bad temper shall deprive him of 
all enjoyment, and he will soon learn to control him- 
self. 

Selfishness. 

Selfishness that binds the miser in his chains, that 
chills the heart, must never be allowed a place in the 
family circle. Teach the child to share his gifts and 
pleasures with others, to be obliging, kind and be- 
nevolent, and the influence of such instruction may 
come back into your own bosom, to bless your latest 
hour. 



HOME TRAINING. 221 

Home Maxims for Training Children. 

Remember that children are men and women in 
"miniature, and though they should be allowed to act as 
children, still our dealings with them should be manly 
and not morose. Remember also that every word, 
tone and gesture, nay, even your dress, makes an im- 
pression. 

Never correct a child on suspicion, or without un- 
derstanding the whole matter, nor trifle with a child's 
feelings when under discipline. 

Be always mild and cheerful in their presence, 
communicative but never extravagant, trifling or vul- 
gar in language or gesture. Never trifle with a child 
nor speak beseechingly when it is doing wrong. 

Always follow commands with a close and careful 
watch, until the thing is done, allowing no evasion 
and no modification, unless the child ask for it, and 
it be expressly granted. 

Never reprove children severely in company, nor 
hold them up to ridicule, nor make light of their fail- 
ings. 

Never speak in an impatient, pitiful manner, if 
you have occasion to find fault. 

Never say to a child, " I don't believe what you 
say," nor even express doubts. If you have such 
feelings, keep them to yourself and wait; the truth 
will eventually be made plain. 

Never disappoint the confidence a child places in 
3 t ou, whether it be a thing placed in your care or a 
promise. 
15 



222 HOME TRAINING. 

Always give prompt attention to a child when he 
speaks, so as to prevent repeated calls, and that he 
may learn to give prompt attention when you call 
him. 

Never try to impress a child with religious truth 
when in anger, or talk to him of God, as it will not 
have the desired effect. Do it under more favorable 
circumstances. 

At the table a child should be taught to sit up 
and behave in a becoming manner, not to tease when 
denied, nor to leave his chair without asking. A par- 
ent's wish at such time should be a law from which 
no appeal should be made. 

Even in sickness, gentle restraint is better for a 
child than indulgence. 

There should never be two sets of manners, the 
one for home and the other for company, but a gentle 
behavior should be always required. 




CHAPTER XX. 
ftrmg ®tdhtr& 

>HE work of home culture should be made a 
matter of great importance to every one, for 
upon it depends the happiness of earthly 
homes, as well as our fitness for the enjoy- 
ment of the eternal home in heaven. The sufferings 
endured here, friend for friend, parents for children, 
unrequited sacrifices, cares and tears, all tend to dis- 
cipline us, and prepare us for the recompense which 
eternity brings. 

Cultivate Moral Courage. 

Moral courage will be cultivated in your children 
as they observe that you say and do, whatever you 
conscientiously believe to be right and true, without 
being influenced by the opinions of others ; thus show- 
ing them that you fear nothing so much as failing to 
do your duty. Perhaps this may be difficult to do, 
but every mother can at least show her appreciation 
of moral courage when she sees it exhibited by others, 
and in this way incite its growth in the souls of her 
children. Moral courage is a rare endowment, and 
those who possess it are able to act with perfect in- 

(223) 



224 HOME CULTURE. 

dependence of the opinions of others, and govern 
themselves only by the laws of propriety, uprightness 
and charity. 

The Pernicious Influence of Indolence. 

If you would preserve your children from the per- 
nicious influences of indolence, and all its corrupting 
tendencies, you must be earnest in purpose, active, 
energetic and fervent in spirit. Earnestness sharpens 
the faculties ; indolence corrodes and dulls them. By 
the former we rise higher and higher, by the latter we 
sink lower and lower. Indolence begets discontent, 
envy and jealousy, while labor elevates the mind and 
character. Cultivate in your children habits of thought 
which will keep their minds occupied upon something 
that will be of use or advantage, and prevent them 
from acquiring habits of idleness, if you would secure 
their future well-being. 

It has been said that he who performs no useful 
act in society, who makes no human being happier, 
is leading a life of utter selfishness — a life of sin — 
for a life of selfishness is a life of sin. There is no- 
where room for idleness. Work is both a duty and a 
necessity of our nature, and a befitting reward will 
ever follow it. To foster and encourage labor in some 
useful form, is a duty which parents should urge upon 
their children, if they would seek their best good. 

Self Respect. 
It is the mother's duty to see that her children 



HOME CULTURE. 225 

protect themselves from the many pit-falls which 
surround them, such as malice, envy, conceit, avarici- 
ousness, and other evils, by being clad in the armor 
of self-respect ; and then they will be able to encounter 
temptation and corruption, unstained and unpolluted. 
This feeling of self-respect is something stronger than 
self-reliance, higher than pride. It is an energy of 
the soul which masters the whole being for its good, 
watching with a never-ceasing vigilance. It is the 
sense of duty, and the sense of honor combined. It 
is an armor, which, though powerless to shield from 
sorrows that purify and invigorate, yet will avert all 
hostile influences that assail, from whatever source 
they come. The mother having once made her child- 
ren conscious that always and everywhere they carry 
with them such an angel to shield, warn and rescue 
them, may let them go out into the world, and fear 
nothing from the wiles and temptations which may 
beset them. 

Results of Good-Breeding in the Home Circle. 

The laws of good-breeding, in no place bear more 
gratifying results, than in the home circle. Here, 
tempered with love, and nurtured by all kindly im- 
pulses, they bear the choicest fruit. A true lady will 
show as much courtesy, and observe the duties of 
politeness, as unfailingly toward every member of her 
family, as toward her most distinguished guests. A 
true gentleman will feel bound to exercise courtesy 
and kindness in his intercourse with those who depend 



226 HOME CULTURE. 

upon him for protection and example. Children in- 
fluenced by such examples at home, will never fail to 
show to their elders the respect due them, to their 
young companions the same consideration for their 
feelings which they expect to meet with in return, 
nor to servants that patience which even the best too 
often require. In such a home, peace and good-will 
are the household gods. 

Fault-finding and Grumbling. 
The oil of civility is required to make the 
wheels of domestic life run smoothly. The habit 
of fault-finding and grumbling indulged in by some, 
is an exceedingly vexatious one, and will, in time, 
ruffle the calmest spirit and the sweetest temper. It 
is the little annoyances, perplexities and misfortunes 
which often render life a burden ; the little omissions 
of minor duties and the committing of little faults 
that perpetually scourge us and keep tHe heart sore. 
Constant faultfinding, persistent misrepresentation of 
motives, suspicions of evil where no evil is intended, 
will complete the work in all but the finest and most 
heroic natures. They alone can stand the fiery test, 
coming out purer and stronger for the ordeal. Child- 
ren who habitually obey the commandment, " Be kind 
to one another," will find in mature life, how strong 
the bonds of affection may be that bind the members 
of the household together. 

Family Jars not to be Made Public. 
Whatever may be the family disagreements, they 



HOME CULTURE. 227 

should never be made known outside of the home 
circle, if it can be avoided. Those who expose the 
faults of the members of their family are severely 
judged by the world, and no provocation can be a 
good excuse for it. It is exceedingly vulgar, not to 
say unchristianlike, for members of the same family to 
be at enmity with one another. 

Yielding to one Another. 

One of the greatest disciplines of home life, is that 
which teaches us to yield our wills to those who have 
a claim upon us to do so, even in trifling, every day 
affairs; the wife to the husband, children to parents, 
to teachers and to one another. In cases where 
principle is concerned, it is, of course, necessary to be 
firm, which requires an exercise of moral courage. 

Conflicting Interests. 

Conflicting interests are a fruitful source of family 
difficulties. The command of Christ to the two 
brothers who came to Him with their disputes, " Be- 
ware of covetousness " is as applicable among members 
of the same family now, as it was when those words 
were spoken. It is better that you have few or no 
business transactions with any one who is near and 
dear to you, and connected by family ties. In busi- 
ness relations, men are apt to be very exact, because 
of their habits of business, and this exactness is too 
-often construed by near friends and relatives as act- 
uated by purely selfish motives. Upon this rock 
many a bark of family love has been wrecked. 



228 HOME CULTURE. 

Religious Education. 

It is well to remember that every blessing of our 
lives, every joy of our hearts and every ray of hope 
shed upon our pathway, have had their origin in re- 
ligion, and may be traced in all their hallowed, 
healthful influences to the Bible. With the dawn of 
childhood, then, in the earliest days of intelligence, 
should the mind be impressed and stored with re- 
ligious truth, and nothing should be allowed to ex- 
clude or efface it It should be taught so early that 
the mind will never remember when it began to learn j 
it will then have the character of innate, inbred prin- 
ciples, incorporated with their very being. 

Obedience. 

If you would not have all your instructions and 
counsels ineffectual, teach your children to obey. 
Government in a family is the great safeguard of re- 
ligion and morals, the support of order and the 
source of prosperity. Nothing has. a greater tendency 
to bring a curse upon a family than the insubordina- 
tion and disobedience of children, and there is no 
more painful and disgusting sight than an ungoverned 
child. 

Influence of Example. 

Never forget that the first book children read is 
their parents' example — their daily deportment. If 
this is forgotten you may find, in the loss of your 



HOME CULTURE. 229 

domestic peace, that while your children well know the 
right path, they follow the wrong. 

Childhood is like a mirror, catching and reflecting 
images all around it. Remember that an impious, 
profane^ or vulgar thought may operate upon the 
heart of a young child like a careless spray of water 
upon polished steel, staining it with rust that no efforts 
can thoroughly efface. 

Improve the first ten years of life as the golden 
opportunity, which may never return. It is the seed, 
time, and your harvest depends upon the seed then 
sown. 

The Influence of Books. 

Few mothers can over-estimate the influence which; 
the companionship of books exerts in youth upon the- 
habits and tastes of their children, and no mother 
who has the welfare of her children at heart, will 
neglect the important work of choosing the proper 
books for them to read, while they are under her 
care. She should select for them such as will both 
interest and instruct, and this should be done during 
the early years, before their minds shall have imbibed 
the pernicious teachings of bad books and sensational 
novels. The poison imbibed from bad books, works 
so secretly that their influence for evil is even greater 
than the influence of bad associates. The mother has 
it in her power to make such books the companions 
and friends of her children as her good judgment may 
select, and to impress upon them their truths, by 



230 HOME CULTURE. 

conversing with them about the moral lessons or the 
intellectual instruction they contain. A taste may be 
easily cultivated for books on natural science and for 
history, as well as for those books that teach impor- 
tant and wholesome lessons for the young, such as 
are contained in the works of Mrs. Edgeworth, Mrs. 
Child, Mrs. Yonge, and many other books written for 
the young. 



CHAPTER XXI. 

T has been seen that in the rearing and training 
of her children, woman has a great work to 
perform, that in this work she exerts an incal- 
culable influence upon untold numbers, and 
that she moulds the minds and characters of her sons 
and daughters. How important, then, that she should 
cultivate her mental faculties to the highest extent, if 
for no other reason than to fit herself the better for 
the performance of this great duty of educating her 
children. How important it is, also, that she should 
look to the higher education of her daughters, who, 
in turn, will become mothers of future generations, or 
may, perhaps, by some vicissitude of fortune, become 
dependent upon their own resources for support. With 
the highest culture of the mental faculties, woman 
will be best enabled to faithfully perform whatever 
she may undertake. 

Train Young Women to some Occupation. 

Owing to the changes in social and industrial life 
which have crowded many women from their homes 

(231i) 



232 WOMAN'S HIGHER ED I CATION. 

into business and public life, women must train for 
their branch of labor as men train for their work, if 
they wish to attain any degree of success. Even 
where women have an independent fortune, their 
lives will be all the happier if they have been trained 
to some occupation, that, in case of reverses, may be 
made a self-sustaining one. A young woman who is 
able to support herself, increases her chances for a 
happy marriage, for, not being obliged to rely upon 
a husband for support or for a home, she is able to 
judge calmly of an offer when it comes, and is free to 
accept or decline, because of her independence. 
Women are capable of and adapted to a large num- 
ber of employments, which have hitherto been kept 
from them, and some of these they are slowly wrench- 
ing from the hands of the sterner sex. In order that 
woman may enter the ranks of labor which she is 
forcing open to herself, she needs a special education 
and training to fit her for such employment. 

Education of Girls too Superficial. 

The school instruction of our girls is too superfi- 
cial. There is a smattering of too many branches, 
where two or three systematically studied and 
thoroughly mastered, would accomplish much more 
for them in the way of a sound mental training 
which is the real object of education. The present 
method of educating young girls is to give them from 
five to ten studies, in which they prepare lessons, and 
this, too, at an age when their physical development 



WOMAN'S HIGHER EDUCATION. 233 

suffers and is checked by excess of mental labor. 
Such a course of instruction, bestowing only a smatter- 
ing of many branches, wastes the powers of the mind, 
and deters, rather than aids, self improvement. It is 
only a concentration of the mind upon the thorough 
acquisition of all it undertakes that strengthens the 
reflective, and forms the reasoning faculties, and thus 
helps to lay a solid foundation for future usefulness. 
The word education means to educe, to draw out the 
powers of the mind ; not the cramming into it of 
facts, dates and whole pages to be repeated verbatim. 

An Education Appropriate to Each Sex. 

The fact is becoming more palpable every year 
that there is an education appropriate to each sex ; 
that identical education for the two sexes is so un- 
natural, that physiology protests against it and ex- 
perience weeps over it. The physiological motto in 
education is, " Educate a man for manhood, a woman 
for womanhood, and both for humanity." Herbert 
Spencer, in speaking of the want of a proper course 
of education for girls, says : " It is an astonishing- 
fact that, though on the treatment of offspring, depend 
their lives or deaths, and their moral welfare or ruin, 
yet not one word of instruction on treatment of off- 
spring is ever given to those who will, by and by, be 
parents." It will thus be seen, that as women have 
the care, the training and the education of children, 
they need an education in a special direction, and 
should have a very thorough one, to prepare them 
for that task. 



234 WOMAN'S HIGHER EDUCATION. 

Women should have a Knowledge of the Laws 
of Health. 

Physiology is one of the branches of that higher 
education, which should be thoroughly pursued by 
women to enable them to fulfill the various duties of 
their allotted stations. Yet it is also desirable that they 
should have a thorough knowledge of all branches 
that they undertake, and a mastery of the studies 
persued by them ; for the want of thoroughness in 
woman's education is an obstacle to success in all 
branches of labor. But woman should especially have 
a thorough knowledge of the laws of physiology and 
hygiene. If she becomes a mother, such knowledge 
will enable her to guard better the lives and health of 
her children. She will understand that when she 
sends out her child insufficiently clad, and he comes 
home chilled through, that his vitality,, his power of 
resisting disease, is wasted. She will know that by 
taking the necessary precautions, she may save the 
child's life j that she must not take him, thus chilled, 
to the fire or into a room highly heated, but that by 
gentle exercise or friction, she must restore the cir- 
culation of the blood, and in using such precautions, 
she may ward off the attacks of disease that would 
surely follow if they were neglected. This is but a 
single case, for there are instances of almost daily oc- 
currence when a proper knowledge of the laws of 
health, will ward off disease, in her own case, as well 
as in those of various members of her household. 



WOMAN'S HIGHER EDUCATION. 235 

The diseases which carry off children, are for the most 
part such as ought to be under the control of the 
women who love them, pet them, educate them, and 
who would, in many cases, lay down their lives for 
them. 

Result of Ignorance of Sanitary Laws. 

Ignorance of the laws of ventilation in sleeping- 
rooms and school-rooms is the cause of a vast amount 
of disease. From ignorance of the signs of approach- 
ing disease, children are often punished for idleness, 
listlessness, sulkiness and willfulness, and this punish- 
ment is too often by confinement in a closed room, 
and by an increase of tasks ; when what is really 
needed is more oxygen, more open-air exercise, and 
less study. These forms of ignorance have too often 
resulted in malignant typhus and brain fevers. 
Knowledge of the laws of hygiene will often spare the 
waste of health and strength in the young, and will 
also spare anxiety and misery to those who love and 
tend them. If the time devoted to the many trashy 
so-called ''accomplishments," in a young lady's edu- 
cation were given to a study of the laws of preserving 
health, how many precious lives might be spared to 
loving parents, and how many frail and delicate 
forms, resulting from inattention to physical training, 
might have become strong and beautiful temples of 
exalted souls. We are all in duty bound to know 
and to obey the laws of nature, on which the welfare 
of our bodies depends., for the full enjoyment of our 



236 WOMAN'S HIGHER EDUCATION. 

faculties can only be attained when the body is in 
perfect health. 

Idleness a Source of Misery. 

Perhaps the greatest cause of misery and wretch- 
edness in social life is idleness. The want of some- 
thing to do is what makes people wicked and miser- 
able. It breeds selfishness, mischief-making, envy, 
jealousy and vice in all its most dreadful forms. It 
is the duty of mothers to see that their daughters are 
trained to habits of industry, that their minds are at 
all times occupied, that they are well informed as to 
household duties, and to the duties of married life, for 
upon a knowledge of household details may depend 
their lifelong happiness or misery. It is frequently 
the case, that a girl's education ends just as her mind 
is beginning to mature and her faculties are begin- 
ning to develop. Her education ends when it ought 
properly to begin. She enters upon marriage entirely 
unprepared, and, perchance, by some misfortune, she 
is thrown penniless upon the world with no means 
of obtaining a livelihood, for her education has never 
fitted her for any vocation. Not having been properly 
taught herself, she is not able to teach, and she finds 
no avenue of employment open to her. An English 
clergyman, writing upon this subject, says : " Let girls 
take a serious interest in art; let them take up some 
congenial study, let it be a branch of science or his- 
tory. Let them write. They can do almost anything 
they try to do, but let their mothers never rest until 



WOMAN'S HIGHER EDUCATION. 237 

they have implanted in their daughters' lives one 
growing interest beyond flirtation and gossip, whether 
it be work at the easel, music, literature, the structure 
of the human body and the laws of health, any solid 
interest that will occupy their thoughts and their 
hearts. Idleness, frivolity and ignorance can only be 
put down by education and employment. In the last 
resort, the spirit of evil becomes teacher and task- 
master." 

Women Should Cultivate a Spirit of Independence. 

In this country more than any other, women 
should, to some extent, cultivate a spirit of independ- 
ence. ' They should acquire a knowledge of how bus- 
iness is transacted, of the relation between capital and 
labor, and of the value of labor, skilled and unskilled. 
As housekeepers, they would then be saved from 
many annoyances and mistakes. If they chance to be 
left alone, widows, or orphans possessing means, they 
would be saved from many losses and vexatious ex- 
periences, by knowing how to transact their own 
business. And those women who are obliged to take 
care of themselves, who have no means, how necessary 
is it that they should have a thorough knowledge of 
some occupation or business by which they can main- 
tain themselves and others dependent upon them. In 
this country, the daughter brought up in affluence, 
may, by some rapid change of fortune be obliged, 
upon arriving at maturity, to be among the applicants 
for whatever employment she may be fitted. If she 
16 



238 WOMAN'S HIGHER EDUCATION 

has been trained to some useful occupation, or if her 
faculties have been developed by a thoroughness of 
study of any subject she has undertaken, she will be 
better qualified to prepare herself to fill any position 
which may be open to her. With a mind drilled by 
constant study she will the more quickly acquire a 
knowledge and grasp the details of any subject or 
business to which she may devote herself. 

Health and Life Dependent upon a Higher Culture. 
Not only wealth and comfort, but health and life 
are dependent upon a higher form of culture, a more 
thorough course of education than is now the stand- 
ard. Not more, but fewer branches of study and a 
more thorough comprehension of those pursued. Not 
only are the health and life of each woman depend- 
ent upon the kind and degree of the education she 
receives, but the health and lives of great numbers 
may depend upon it. In proportion as she has a 
knowledge of the laws and nature of a subject will 
she be able to work at it easily, rapidly and success- 
fully. Knowledge of physical laws saves health and 
life, knowledge of the laws of intellect saves wear and 
tear of the brain, knowledge of the laws of political 
economy and business affairs saves anxiety and worry- 
ing. 

Cultivation of the Moral Sense. 

A well educated moral sense prevents idleness and 
develops a well regulated character, which will pre- 
serve from excess those tenderer emotions and deep- 
er passions of woman, which are potent in her for 



WOMAN'S HIGHER EDUCATION. 239 

evil or for good, in proportion as they are undisci- 
plined and allowed to run wild, or are trained and 
developed into a noble and harmonious self-restraint. 

The girl who has so educated and regulated her 
intellect, her tastes, her emotions and her moral sense, 
as to be able to discern the true from the false, will 
be ready for the faithful performance of whatever 
work in life is allotted to her; while she who is al- 
lowed to grow up ignorant, idle, vain, frivolous, will 
find herself fitted for no state of existence, and, in 
after years, with feelings of remorse and despair over 
a wasted life, may cast reproach upon those in whose 
trust was reposed her early education. 

It is not for women alone that they should seek a 
higher education of their faculties and powers, but for 
the sake of the communities in which they live, for 
the sake of the homes in which they rule and gov- 
ern, and train- immortal souls, and for the sake of 
those other homes in the humbler walks of life, where 
they owe duties as ministering spirits as well as in 
their own, for in proportion as they minister to the 
comfort and health of others, so do they exalt their 
own souls. Women should seek a higher education 
in order that they may elevate themselves, and that 
they may prepare themselves for whatever duty they 
may be called upon to perform, In social life we 
find that the truest wives, the most patient and 
careful mothers, the most exemplary house-keepers, the 
model sisters, the wisest philanthropists and the women 
of the greatest social influence are women of culti- 
vated minds. 




CHAPTER XXII. 

lip Jbibr !S[rita\ 

FRENCH writer says, that the writing of a 
note or letter, the wording of a regret, the 
prompt or the delayed answering of an invita- 
tion, the manner of a salutation, the neglect of 

a required attention, all betray to the well-bred the 

degree or the absence of good breeding. 

A person who has self-respect as well as respect 

for others, should never carelessly write a letter or 

note. 

Requirements for Correct Writing. 

The letter or note should be free from all nourishes. 
The rules of punctuation should be followed as nearly 
as possible, and no capital letters used where they are 
not required. Ink-blots, erasures and stains on the 
paper are inadmissible. Any abbreviations of name, 
rank or title are considered rude, beyond those sanc- 
tioned by custom. No abbreviations of words should 
be indulged in, nor underlining of words intended to 
be made emphatic. Ail amounts of money or other 
numbers should be written, reserving the use of nu- 
merical figures for dates only. It is a good form to 

(2140) 



THE LETTER WRITER. 241 

have the address of the writer printed at the top of 
the sheet, especially for all business letters For letters 
of friendship and notes, pure white paper and envelopes 
are in better taste than tinted or colored, and 
the paper should be of a superior quality. When a 
page is once written, from left to right side, it should 
not be written over again from top to bottom. 

Anonymous Letters. 

No attention should ever be paid to anonymous 
letters. The writers of such stamp themselves as 
cowardly, and cowards do not hesitate to say or write 
what is not true when it suits their purpose. All 
statements made in such letters should be regarded as 
false, and the writers as actuated by some bad mo- 
tives. Anonymous letters should be burned at once, 
for they are not to be noticed. 

Letters and Notes. 

The writing of notes in the third person is generally 
confined to notes of invitation, and such notes are 
never signed. 

When a letter is upon business, commencing " Sir " 
or " Dear Sir," the name of the person addressed may 
be written either at the beginning or at the close of 
the letter, in the left hand corner. In letters commenc- 
ing with the name of the person to whom you are 
writing, as, " My Dear Mrs. Brown," the name should 
not be repeated in the left hand corner. 

No notes should be commenced very high or very 



242 THE LETTER WRITER. 

low on the page, but nearer the top than the middle 

of the sheet. 

Manner of Address. 

In addressing a clergyman, it is customary to 
commence " Reverend Sir," or " Dear Sir." It is not 
now customary to write tl B. A." or " M. A." after his 
name. 

Doctors of divinity and medicine are thus distin- 
guished : " To the Rev. John Blair, D. D.," or " Rev. 
Dr. Blair ;" " To G. T. Roscoe, M. D.," " Doctor Roscoe " 
or " Dr. Roscoe." 

The President of the United States and Governors 
of States, are addressed " His Excellency." U. S. 
Senators, members of Congress and men distinguished 
by holding various political offices of an honorable 
nature, are addressed as " Honorable." 

Degrees of Formality Observed. 

In commencing and signing notes and letters there 
is a difference of opinion in the degrees of formality 
to be observed, but generally this scale is used accord- 
ing to the degree of acquaintance or friendship. 
" Madam " or " Sir," " Dear Madam " or " Dear Sir," 
" My Dear Madam " or iC My Dear Sir," " Dear Mrs. 
Brown " or " Dear Mr. Brown," " My Dear Mrs. Brown " 
or " My Dear Mr. Brown," " My Dear Friend." In 
closing a note, the degrees are implied as follows : 
" Truly Yours " or " Yours Truly," " Very Truly 
Yours," '' Sincerely Yours," " Cordially Yours," " Faith- 
fully Yours," " Affectionately Yours." The proper 



THE LETTER WRITER. 243 

words should be carefully selected, as the conclusion 
of a note or letter, makes an impression upon the 
person reading it. To aged persons the form, " With 
great respect, sincerely yours," recommends itself as a 
proper form. "Yours, etc." is considered a rude end- 
ing. If you are sufficiently well acquainted with a 

person, to address her " My Dear Mrs. " do not 

sign " Yours Truly " or u Truly Yours," as this is the 
form to be used in writing to strangers or in business 

letters. 

Signatures of Ladies. 

A married lady should not sign herself with the 
"" Mrs." before her baptismal name, or a single lady 
with the " Miss." In writing to strangers who do not 
know whether to address you as Mrs. or Miss, the 
address should be given in full, after signing your 
letter ; as " Mrs. John Smith," followed by the direc- 
tion ; or if unmarried, the " Miss " should be placed 
in brackets a short distance preceding the signature. 

Only the letters of unmarried ladies and widows 
are addressed with their baptismal names. The letters 
of married ladies are addressed with their husbands' 
names, as " Mrs. John Smith." 

Letters of Introduction. 

Letters of introduction should be brief and care- 
fully worded. Give in full the name of the person 
introduced, the city or town he is from, intimating the 
mutual pleasure that you believe the acquaintance will 
•confer, adding a few remarks concerning the one in- 



244 THE LETTER WRITER. 

troduced, as circumstances seem to require. Modest 
persons sometimes shrink from delivering letters of 
introduction which appear to them to be undeservedly 
complimentary. Letters of introduction are left un- 
sealed, to be sealed, before delivery by the one intro- 
duced. They should receive immediate attention by 
the parties who receive them. When a gentleman 
delivers such a letter to a lady, he is at liberty to 
call upon her, sending her his card to ascertain 
whether she will receive him then, or appoint another 
hour that will be more convenient. The same rule is 
to be observed by those whose stay in the city is 
short. He may also send it to her with his card bear- 
ing his address. 

A letter of introduction should not be given, unless 
the person writing it is very well acquainted with the 
one whom he introduces, and the one to whom he 
writes. If the person who receives such' a letter is 
really well-bred, you will hear from him or her within 
twenty-four hours, for a letter of introduction is said 
to be like a draft, it must be cashed at sight. The 
one receiving it, either invites you to dine, or to meet 
others, or to a drive, or to visit some place of amuse- 
ment. Too great caution cannot be exercised in giv- 
ing a letter which makes such demands upon an 
acquaintance. 

When the letter of introduction is left with a card r 
if there is a gentleman in the family, he may call 
upon the stranger the next day, unless some engage- 
ment prevents, when he should send his card with 



THE LETTER WRITER. 245 

an invitation. If the letter introduces a gentleman to> 
a lady, she may write a note of invitation in answer, 
appointing a time for him to call. 

The following is an appropriate form for a letter of 
introduction : 

New York, December 20, 1880. 
Dear Sir : 

I take great pleasure in introducing to you 
my esteemed friend, Miss Ida A. Thornton, a young 
lady of culture and refinement, who will spend a few 
months in your city. I am sure that an acquaintance 
with her will be a pleasure to you, as it will also be to 
Miss Thornton. Any favor you may show during her 
stay in your city, I will consider a personal favor. 

Yours Sincerely, 
To George Morris, Mrs. J. Q. A. Jones. 

Chicago. 

The envelope should be addressed as follows : 





Q^eo. t^&owi&s (Ody. 






^@/^S7 a *"* *™' ^=^ e *£} 




\Dfv-icrr rzoj 


@h 




'&%> 




/ 



Notes of Congratulation and Condolence. 

Notes of congratulation and condolence should be 
brief, and the latter should only be sent by near and 



246 THE LETTER WRITER. 

the one for which you are offering your congratulations 
or sympathy. Such notes should be made expressive 
of real feeling, and not be mere matters of form. 

Invitation to a Reception. 

For a general reception, invitations are printed on 
cards. Their style is like the following, and do not 
require an answer unless " R. S. V. P." is upon one 
corner. 






to 11 P. M. ©C. 3 £3 Jw*fe<* 0*. 



Invitations to a Ball. 

The " At Home " form of invitation for a reception 
is often adopted for a ball with the word " Dancing " 
in one corner, though many people use the " At Home " 
form only for receptions. For balls the hours are not 
limited as at receptions. When the above form is not 
used for a ball, the invitation may read as follows : 

" Mrs. Blair requests the pleasure of Miss Milton's 
company at a ball, on Tuesday, February 7, at 9 o'clock." 

Invitations to a ball are always given in the name 
of the lady of the house, and require an answer, 



THE LETTER WRITER. 247 

which should not be delayed. If the invitation is 
accepted, the answer should be as follows : 

" Miss Milton accepts with pleasure Mrs. Blair's 
kind invitation for Tuesday, February 7." 

If it is found impossible to attend, a note of regrets, 
something like the following, should be sent : 

" Miss Milton regrets that intended absence from 
home (or whatever may be the preventing cause), 
prevents her accepting Mrs. Blair's kind invitation for 
February 7." 

Invitation to a Large Party. 

The invitation to a large party is similar to that 
for a ball, only the words " at a ball " are omitted, 
and the hour may be earlier. The notes of acceptance 
and regret are the same as for a ball. If the party is 
a small one, it should be indicated by inserting the 
words, " to a small evening party," so that there may 
be no misunderstanding. A large party calls for full 
evening dress, and it would be embarrassing for a 
lady or gentleman to go to a house in full evening 
dress, expecting to find a large party there in similar 
costumes, and meet only a few friends and acquaint- 
ances plainly dressed. If there is any special feature 
which is to give character to the evening, it is best to 
mention this fact in the note of invitation. Thus the 
words " musical party," " to take part in dramatic 
readings," " amateur theatricals," will denote the char- 
acter of the evening's entertainment. If you have pro- 
grammes, enclose one in the invitation. 



248 THE LETTER WRITER. 

Invitation to a Public Entertainment. 
An invitation from a gentleman to a lad)- to attend 
a concert, lecture, theatre, opera, or other amusement, 
may read as follows : 

" Mr. Hayden would be pleased to have Miss 
Morton's company to the Academy of Music, on Mon- 
day evening, November 8, when " Richelieu " will be 
played by Edwin Booth's company." 

An invitation of this kind demands an immediate 
answer of acceptance or regrets. A previous engage- 
ment may be a reason for rejection. 

Dinner Invitations. 

These are written in the name of the husband and 

wife, and demand an immediate reply. This form 

may be used : 

" Mr. and Mrs. Eugene Snow request the pleasure 
of Mr. and Mrs. Horace Allen's company at dinner, 
on Tuesday, the 13th of January, at seven o'clock." 

A note of acceptance may read as follows : 

" Mr. and Mrs. Horace Allen accept with pleasure 
Mr. and Mrs. Eugene Snow's kind invitation to dine 
with them on Tuesday, the 13th inst., at 7 o'clock." 

A note of regret may read : 

" Mr. and Mrs. Horace Allen regret exceedingly 
that sickness in the family (or whatever the cause 
may be) prevents the acceptance of Mr. and Mrs. 
Eugene Snow's kind invitation to dine with them on 
Tuesday, January 13." 

Invitations to Tea. 
An invitation to a tea-drinking may be less for- 



THE LETTER WRITER. 249 

mal, and should partake more of the nature of a 
private note ; thus : 

" Dear Miss Brock : Some friends are coming to 
drink tea with me on Thursday, and I should be glad 
•of the pleasure of your company also. Please do not 
disappoint me." 

An invitation of this informal nature needs no re- 
ply, unless " R. S. V. P." is appended, in which case, 
the answer must be returned, if possible, by the mes- 
senger who brought it, or sent at once, as your friend 
may depend upon having a certain number of people 
■at her tea-drinking, and if you cannot go, she will 
want to supply your place. 

Less Formal Invitations. 

Invitations of a less formal character are sent for 
charades, private theatricals, and for archery, croquet, 
sailing and garden parties ; but, however informal the 
invitation (except only when a visiting card is used) 
on no account neglect to give immediate attention to 
it, by sending an acceptance or regret, for any want 
of courtesy in this respect is unpardonable. 

Promptness in Answering. 

All invitations requiring answers should be an- 
swered as soon as possible after receiving them. The 
French have a saying, applicable to all notes of in- 
vitation, to the effect that it is as important to reply 
as promptly to a note requiring an answer, as it is to 
a question in speaking. All refined people who are 



250 THE LETTER WRITER. 

accustomed to the best social forms, consider that it 
would be an unpardonable negligence to omit for a 
single day, replying to an invitation or a note re- 
quiring a reply. 

In accepting dinner invitations, repeat the hour 
and day named in your letter of acceptance, in order 
that if any mistake has been made it may be cor- 
rected. 

Promptly acknowledge all attentions you receive, 
such as receiving presents of books, flowers, etc. 

Expressions to be Used. 

The expression " presents compliments " has be- 
come obsolete in the writing of invitations. The ex- 
pression " kind " or " very kind " invitation has taken 
the place of " polite," in notes of acceptance or regret. 
Be particular to distinguish between " go " and " come," 
you go to a friend's house and your friend comes to 
your house. 

Time to send Invitations. 

Invitations for parties and entertainments of a for- 
mal nature, can be sent out from a week to two 
weeks before the entertainment is to take place. A 
notice of not less than one week is expected for such 
invitations. They should be printed or engraved on 
small note paper or large cards, with the envelopes to 
match, with no colors in the monogram, if one is 
used. 



THE LETTER WRITER. 251 

Invitations for Several Members of a Family. 

It is not considered good form to have one card 
of invitation answer for several persons belonging to 
the same family, or to address an invitation " Mrs. 
Blank and family,-" as it indicates a scarcity of cards. 
One card or invitation may be sent to Mr. and Mrs. 
Blank, and one each to the several members of the 
family who are to be invited. 

The Least Formal Invitations. 

The least formal, of formal invitations, is when a 
lady sends or leaves her own visiting card with the 
invitation upon it. An invitation of this kind need 
not be answered unless an " R. S. V. P," (Respondez 
sHl vous Plait) is on the card. You go or not, as you 
please, but if you do not go, you call, or leave a 
card as soon after as is convenient. 

Uncivil Answers. 

Uncivil and curt, not to say rude answers, are 
sometimes returned to invitations, more frequently the 
result of carelessness in their writers than of premed- 
itated rudeness. 

" Mr. and Mrs. Adam Brown regret that they can- 
not accept Mrs. Smith's invitation for Wednesday 
evening," 

is a rude form of regret. 

" Mr. and Mrs. Adam Brown decline Mrs. Moses 
Smith's invitation for Friday evening," 

is a still ruder form. 



252 THE LETTER WRITER. 

A curt and thoughtless reply is : 

" Mr. and Mrs. Adam Brown's compliments and 
regrets for Friday evening." 

Reasons foe Regrets. 

" All regrets from persons who are not able to 
accept invitations, should contain a reason for regret- 
ing," is a rule strictly observed in our best society, 
and is considered especially binding in answering a 
first invitation. If persons are in mourning, they 
regret that a recent bereavement prevents them from 
accepting. Those contemplating being absent from 
home, regret that contemplated absence from home 
prevents them from accepting. " A previous engage- 
ment " is made the excuse when there is an engage- 
ment either at home or away from it, and also when 
one has no inclination to accept ; which makes it 
quite necessary for those who really regret their in- 
ability to accept, to mention what that engagement is. 

The Family Letter. 

It seems hardly necessary to give the form of a 
letter from one member of a family to another. It is 
often the case that letters sent from home to an absent 
member are decidedly unsatisfactory, if not to a great 
extent of little interest outside of one or two facts 
mentioned. Consequently some hints as to what these 
letters should be, are here given. They should be 
written as though the writer were talking, using fam- 
iliar expressions, and such peculiarities as the writer 



THE LETTER WRITER. 253 

possesses in ordinary speech should find a plaee in 
the letter. The writer may speak of many trivial 
things at and about home, and gossipy matters in the 
neighborhood, and should keep the absent one posted 
upon all minor facts and occurrences, as well as the 
more important ones. The writer may make inquiries 
as to how the absent one is enjoying himself, whether 
he finds any place better than home, and ask such 
other questions as he may desire, concluding with 
sincere expressions of affection from various members 
of the family. The absent one may, in like manner, 
express himself freely on all subjects, describe his 
journey minutely, and speak of whatever he may feel 
a deep interest in. In short, a family letter may be 
as gossipy as the writer can make it, without much 
regard to an attempt at showy or dignified composition. 

The Letter of Friendship. 

This should be of a more dignified tone, contain 
less trivialties than the family letter, and should em- 
brace matters that will be of interest to both. A letter 
of friendship should be answered in due time, accord- 
ing to the intimacy of the parties, but should not be 
delayed long enough to allow the friendship to cool, 
if there is a desire to keep it warm. 

The Love Letter. 

Of this it may only be said, that while it may be 
expressive of sincere esteem and affection, it should 
be of a dignified tone, and written in such a style, 
17 



254 THE LETTER WRITER. 

that if ii should ever come under the eyes of others, 
than the party to whom it was written, there may be 
found in it nothing of which the writer may be 
ashamed, either of silliness or extravagant expression. 

Business Letters. 

These should be brief and to the point, should be 
of plain chirography, and relate to the business in 
hand, in as few words and as clearly as possible. 
Begin at once without apology or explanation, and 
finish up the matter pertaining to the business. If an 
apology or any explanation is due, it may be made 
briefly at the close of the letter, after the business has 
been attended to. A letter on business should be 
answered at once, or as soon as possible after receiv- 
ing it. 

It is allowable, in some cases, upon receiving a 
brief business letter, to write the reply 'on the same 
page, beneath the original letter, and return both 
letter and answer together. 

Among business letters may be classed all corre- 
spondence relating to business, applications for situa- 
tions, testimonials regarding the character of a servant 
or employe, letters requesting the loan of money or 
an article, and letters granting or denying the favor ; 
while all forms of drawing up notes, drafts and receipts 
may properly be included. The forms of some of these 
are here given. 

Letters Requesting Employment. 
A letter of this kind should be short, and written 



THE LETTER WRITER. 255 

with care and neatness, that the writer may both 
show his penmanship and his business-like qualities, 
which are often judged of by the form of his letter. 
It may be after this fashion : 

New York, March 1, 1880. 
Messrs. Lord & Noble, 

Dear Sirs : 
Having heard that you are in need of more assist- 
tance in your establishment (or store, or office), I 
venture to ask you for employment. I can refer you 
to Messrs. Jones & Smith, my late employers, as to 
my qualifications, should you decide to consider my 
application. 

Yours truly, 

James Roberts. 

Letters Regarding the Character of a Servant. 

Dear Madam : Sarah Riley, having applied to me 
for the position of cook, refers me to you for a char- 
acter. I feel particularly anxious to obtain a good 
servant for the coming winter, and shall therefore feel 
obliged by your making me acquainted with any par- 
ticulars referring to her character, and remain, mad- 
am, 

Your very obedient servant, 

Mrs. George Stone. 

To Mrs. Alfred Stark. 

Mrs. George Stone, 

Dear Madam : It gives me pleasure to say that 
Sarah Riley lived with me for two years, and during 
that time I found her active, diligent and efficient. 
She is a superior cook, and I have full confidence in 
her honesty. I feel that I can recommend her with 
full confidence of her being likely to give you satis- 
faction, I am, madam, 

Your very obedient servant, 

Mrs. Alfred Stark. 



256 THE LETTER WRITER. 

Mrs. George Stone, 



Dear Madam : In replying to your note of inquiry, 
I beg to inform you that Sarah Riley, who lived with 
me in the capacity of cook, left my services because 
I did not find her temper and habits in all respects 
satisfactory. She was thoroughly competent as a 
cook, but in other respects I cannot conscientiously 
recommend her. I remain 

Yours, very truly, 

Mrs. Alfred Stark. 

Notes, Drafts, Bills and Receipts. 

The following are forms of notes, drafts, receipts, 
etc.: 

Promissory Note Without Interest. 

$500. Cincinnati, 0., June 6, 1880. 

Sixty days after date, I promise to pay Samuel 
Archover, or order, at my office in Cincinnati, five 
hundred dollars, value received. 

Timothy Mortgrave. 

Promissory Note With Interest, But Not Negotiable. 

$125.30. Chicago, Sept. 2, 1880. 

For value received, I promise to pay Daniel Cart- 
right one hundred and twenty-five dollars and thirty 
cents, on August 12th next, with interest at seven per 
cent, after January 1, 1881. 

John S. Allbright. 

A Negotiable Note Payable to Bearer. 

$75. Detroit, Mich., Oct. 8, 1881. 

Thirty days after date, for value received, I prom- 
ise to pay Silas G. Smithers, or bearer, at my office in 
Detroit, seventy-five dollars with interest from date. 

Samuel Q. Pettibone. 



THE LETTER WRITER. 257 

Form of a Receipt 

$25. New York, Nov. 3, 1880. 

Received from James 0. Mitchell, twenty-five dol- 
lars, to apply on account. 

Smith, Jones & Co. 

Form of a Draft, Time From Sight. 

$1,000. Detroit, Mich., July 7, 1880. 

At ten days sight, pay to the order of J, Smith & 
Co., one thousand dollars, and charge the same to the 
account of 

Shepard & Niles. 
To Samuel Stoker & Co., 
Indianapolis, Ind. 

A Draft or Order " Without Grace." 

$175. Cincinnati, Ohio, Aug. 12, 1880. 

At sight, without grace, pay to F. B. Dickerson & 
Co., one hundred and seventy-five dollars, and charge 
to the account of 

Ferguson & Allen. 
To Traders National Bank, 
Cincinnati, Ohio. 

Form of a Bill. 

Buffalo. N. Y., Dec. 6, 1880. 
Martin Hughes, Dr., 

To John J. Hart. 
Four volumes History of France, at $2.50 per vol- 
ume, $10.00. 



Received payment. 



CHAPTER XXIII. 

%tmvnl \nht d} dtmimth 

%'N society, everybody should receive equal atten- 
Ml tion, the young as well as the old. A high 
m\ authority says, " If we wish our young people 
to grow up self-possessed and at ease, we must 
early train them in these graces by giving them the 
same attention and consideration we do those of 
maturer years. If we snub them, and systematically 
neglect them, they will acquire an awkwardness and 
a deprecatory manner, which will be very difficult for 
them to overcome." ^ 

Gracefulness op Carriage. 

Physical education is indispensible to every well- 
bred man and woman. A gentleman should not only 
know how to fence, to box, to ride, to shoot and to 
swim, but he should also know how to carry himself 
gracefully, and how to dance, if he would enjoy life 
to the uttermost. A graceful carriage can best be at- 
tained by the aid of a drilling master, as dancing 
and boxing are taught. A man should be able to 
defend himself from ruffians, if attacked, and also to 

(258) 



GENERAL RULES OF CONDUCT. 259 

defend women from their insults. Dancing and calis- 
thenics are also essential for a lady, for the better the 
physical training, the more graceful and self-possessed 
she will be. Every lady should know how to dance, 
whether she intends to dance in society or not. 
Swimming, skating, archery, games of lawn-tennis, and 
croquet, riding and driving, all aid in strengthening 
the muscles and giving open-air exercise, and are 
therefore desirable recreations for the young of both 

sexes. 

Attitude. 

Awkwardness of attitude is a mark of vulgarity. 
Lolling, gesticulating, fidgeting, handling an eye-glass, 
a watch-chain, or the like, give an air of gaucherie. 
A lady who sits cross-legged or sidewise on her 
chair, who stretches out her feet, who has a habit of 
holding her chin or twirling her ribbons or fingering 
her buttons ; a man who lounges in his chair, nurses 
his leg, bites his nails, or caresses his foot crossed 
over on his knee, shows clearly a want of good home 
training. Each should be quiet and graceful, either in 
their sitting or standing position, the gentleman being 
allowed more freedom than the lady. He may sit 
cross-legged if he wish, but should not sit with his 
knees far apart, nor with his foot on his knee. If an 
object is to be indicated, you must move the whole 
hand, or the head, but never point the finger. 

Coughing, Sneezing, Etc. 
Coughing, sneezing, clearing the throat, etc., if done 



260 GENERAL RULES OF CONDUCT. 

at all, must be done as quietly as possible. Snuffling 
hawking and expectorating must never be done in 
society. A sneeze can be checked by pressing the- 
thumb or fingers firmly across the bridge of the nose.. 
If not checked, the face should be buried in the- 
handkerchief, during the act of sneezing, for obvious 
reasons. 

Anecdotes, Puns and Repartees. 

Anecdotes should be seldom brought into a con- 
versation. Puns are always regarded as vulgar. 
Repartee should be indulged in with moderation, and 
never kept up, as it degenerates into the vulgarity of 
an altercation. 

A Sweet and Pure Breath. 

The breath should be kept sweet and pure. On- 
ions are the forbidden fruit, because of their offens- 
iveness to the breath. No gentleman should go into* 
the presence of ladies smelling of tobacco. 

Smoking. 

It is neither respectful nor polite to smoke in the 
presence of ladies, even though they have given per- 
mission, nor should a gentleman smoke in a room 
which ladies are in the habit of frequenting. In those 
homes when the husband is permitted to smoke in any 
room of the house, the sons will follow the father's 
example, and the air of the rooms becomes like that 
of a public house. 



GENERAL RULES OF CONDUCT. 261 

Suppression of Emotion. 
Suppression of undue emotion, whether of laugh- 
ter, of anger, of mortification, of disappointment, or of 
selfishness in any form, is a mark of good breeding. 

A Good Listener. 

To be a good listener is almost as great an art as 
to be a good talker ; but it is not enough only to lis- 
ten, you must endeavor to seem interested in the con- 
versation of those who are talking. Only the low- 
bred allow their impatience to be made manifest. 

Give Precedence to Others. 

Give precedence to those older or of higher social 
position than yourself, unless they request you to take 
the precedence, when it is better to obey than to re- 
fuse. Be more careful to give others their rank of 
precedence than to take your own. 

Be Moderate. 

Always express your own opinions with modesty, 
and if called upon, defend them, but without that 
warmth which may lead to hard feelings. Do not 
enter into argument: Having spoken your mind, and 
thus shown you are not cowardly in your beliefs 
and opinions, drop the subject and lead to some 
other topic. There is seldom any profit in idle dis- 
cussion. 

Singing and Playing in Society. 

A lady in company should never exhibit any anx- 



M 



262 GENERAL RULES OF CONDUCT. 

iety to ,*sing or play; but being requested to do so, 

if she intends to comply, she should do so at once, 

without waiting to be urged. If she refuses, she should 

do ii^in a manner that shall make her decision final. 

Having complied, she should not monopolize the 

evening with her performances, but make room for 

others. 

Receiving and Making Presents. 

Emerson says : " Our tokens of love are for the 
most part barbarous, cold and lifeless, because they 
do not represent our life. The only gift is a portion 
of thyself. Therefore let the farmer give his corn ; the 
miner his gem ; the sailor, coral or shells ; the painter 
his picture, and the poet his poem." To persons of 
refined nature, whatever the friend creates takes 
added value as part of themselves — part of their lives 
as it were, having gone into it. People of the 
highest rank, abroad, will often accept, with gratitude, 
a bit of embroidery done by a friend ; a poem in- 
scribed to them by an author; a painting executed 
by some artist ; who would not care for the most ex- 
pensive bauble that was offered them. Mere costli- 
ness does not constitute the soul of a present; it is 
the kind feeling that it manifests which gives it its 
value. People who possess noble natures do not make 
gifts where they feel neither affection nor respect, but 
their gifts are bestowed out of the fullness of kind 
hearts. 

A present should be acknowledged without delay, 
but you must not follow it quickly by a return. It 



GENERAL RULES OF CONDUCT. 263 

'«* 
is to be taken for granted that a gift is intended to 

afford pleasure to the recipient, not to be regarded as 

a question of investment or exchange. Never allude 

to a present you have given, unless you have reason to 

fear that it has not been received by the person to whom 

it was sent. 

Unmarried ladies should not accept presents from 
gentlemen who are neither related nor engaged to 
them, nor indebted to them for some marked favors. 
A married lady may accept presents from a gentleman 
who is indebted to her for hospitality. 

In presenting a book to a friend, do not write in 
it the name of the person to whom it is given. But 
this is a rule better honored in its breach than in its 
observance, when the giver of the book is its author. 

Presents made by a married lady to a gentleman, 
should be in the name of both herself and her hus- 
band. 

Never refuse a present if offered in kindliness, un- 
less the circumstances are such that you cannot, with 
propriety, receive it, Nor, in receiving a present, 
make such comments as would seem to indicate that 
your friend cannot afford to make the present. On 
the other hand, never make a present which you can- 
not afford to make. In that case the recipient, if he 
or she knows anything of your circumstances, will 
think that you had better kept it yourself. 

Go-VERNING OUR MOODS. 

We should subdue our gloomy moods before we 



264 GENERAL RULES OF CONDUCT. 

enter society. To look pleasantly and to speek kindly 
is a duty we owe to others. Neither should we afflict 
them with any dismal account of our health, state of 
mind or outward circumstances. Nevertheless, if an- 
other makes us the confident of his woes, we should 
strive to appear sympathetic, and if possible help him 
to be stronger under them. A lady who shows by 
act, or expresses in plain, curt words, that the visit of 
another is unwelcome, may perhaps pride herself 
upon being no hypocrite. But she is, in reality,, 
worse. She is grossly selfish. Courtesy requires her ? 
for the time being, to forget her own feelings, and 
remember those of her visitor, and thus it is her duty 
to make that visitor happy while she remains. 

A Lady Driving with a Gentleman. 

When a lady offers to drive a gentleman in her 
phaeton, he should walk to her house, if he accepts 
the invitation, unless, the distance being great, she 
should propose to call for him. In that case he will 
be on the watch, so as not to keep her waiting, and, 
if possible, meet her on the way. 

An Invitation Cannot be Recalled. 

An invitation once given, cannot be recalled, even 
from the best motives, without subjecting the one who 
recalls it to the charge of being either ignorant or 
regardless of all conventional rules of politeness. 
There is but one exception to this rule, and that is 
when the invitation has been delivered to the wrong 
person. 



GENERAL RULES OF CONDUCT. 265 

Avoid Talking of Personalities. 

Avoid speaking of your birth, your travels and of 
all personal matters to those who may misunderstand 
you, and consider it boasting. When induced to 
speak of them, do not dwell too long upon them, and 
do not speak boastfully. 

About Persons' Names. 

Do not speak of absent persons, who are not rela- 
tives or intimate friends, by their Christian names or 

surnames, but always as Mr. , or Mrs. , or 

Miss . Never name anyone by the first letter of 

his name as, " Mr. C." Give a foreigner his name in 
full when speaking of him. 

Shun Gossip and Tale-Bearing. 

Gossip and tale-bearing are always a personal con- 
fession either of malice or imbecility. The young of 
both sexes should not only shun these things, but, by 
the most thorough culture, relieve themselves from all 
temptation in that direction. 

Removing the Hat. 
A gentleman never sits in the house with his hat 
-on in the presence of ladies. Indeed, a gentleman 
instinctively removes his hat as soon as he enters a 
room, the habitual resort of ladies. A gentleman nev- 
er retains his hat in a theatre or other place of pub- 
lic entertainment. 



266 GENERAL RULES OF CONDUCT. 

Treatment of Inferiors. 

Never affect superiority. In the company of an 
inferior never let him feel his inferiority. If you in- 
vite an inferior as your guest, treat him with all the 
politeness and consideration you would show an 

equal. 

Intruding on Privacy. 

Never enter a private room anywhere without 
knocking. Sacredly respect the private property of 
others, and let no curiosity tempt you to pry into 
letters, desks, packets, trunks or other belongings of 
another. It is ill-mannered to read a written paper 
lying upon a table or desk ; whatever it may be, it is 
certainly no business of yours. No person should 
ever look over the shoulder of another who is reading 
or writing. You must not question a servant or child 
upon family affairs. Never betray an implied confi- 
dence, even if you have not been bound to secrecy. 

Keeping Engagements. 

Nothing is ruder than to make an engagement, be 
it of business or pleasure, and break it. If your 
memory is not sufficiently retentive to keep all the 
engagements you make, carry a little memorandum 
book, and enter them there. 

Value of Politeness. 

Chesterfield says: "As learning, honor and virtue 
are absolutely necessary to gain you the esteem and 
admiration of mankind, politeness and good-breeding 



GENERAL RULES OF CONDUCT. 267 

are equally necessary to make you welcome and 
agreeable in conversation and common life. Great 
talents, such as honor, virtue, learning and arts, are 
above the generality of the world, who neither pos- 
sess them themselves, nor judge of them rightly in 
others; but all people are judges of. the lesser talents, 
such as civility, affability, and an obliging, agreeable 
address and manner ; because they feel the good effects 
of them, as making society easy and pleasing." 

Adapting Yourself to Others. 

Conform your conduct as far as possible to the 
company you chance to be with, only do not throw 
yourself into improper company. It is better even to 
laugh at and join in with vulgarity, so that it do not 
degenerate into indecency, than to set yourself up as 
better, and better-mannered than those with whom 
you may chance to be associated. True politeness 
and genuine good manners often not only permit but 
absolutely demand a temporary violation of the or- 
dinary obligations of etiquette, 

A Woman's Good Name. 

Let no man speak a word against a woman at any 
time, or mention a woman's name in any company 
where it should not be spoken. " Civility," says Lord 
Chesterfield, "is particularly due to all women; and 
remember that no provocation whatsoever can justify 
any man in not being civil to every woman ; and the 
greatest man would justly be reckoned a brute if he 



268 GENERAL RULES OF CONDUCT. 

were not civil to the meanest woman. It is due to 
their sex, and is the only protection they have against 
the superior strength of ours." 

Do Not Contradict. 

Never directly contradict anyone. Say, li I beg 
your pardon, but I think you are mistaken or misin- 
formed," or some such similar phrase which shall 
break the weight of direct contradiction. Where the 
matter is unimportant it is better to let it pass with- 
out correction. 

Expressing Unfavorable Opinions. 

You should be exceedingly cautious about ex- 
pressing an unfavorable opinion relative to a young 
lady to a young man who appears to be attracted by, 
and attentive to her. If they should marry, the re- 
membrance of your observations will not be pleasur- 
able to yourself nor the married parties. 

A Conversation Checked. 

If a person checks himself in a conversation, you 
should not insist on hearing what he intended to say. 
There was some good reason for checking himself, and 
it might cause him unpleasant feelings to urge him 
to carry out his first intentions. 

Vulgarities. 

Some of the acts which may be classed as vulgar- 
ities when committed in the presence of others are 
given below : 



GENERAL RULES OF CONDUCT. 269 

To sit with your back to a person, without asking 
to be excused. 

To stand or sit with the feet wide apart. 

To hum, whistle or sing in suppressed tones. 

To stand with the arras akimbo ; to lounge or 
yawn or to do anything which shows disrespect, 
selfishness or indifference. 

To correct inaccuracies in the statements of others, 
or in their modes of speech. 

To use profane language, or stronger expressions 
than the occasion justifies. 

To chew tobacco and its unnecessary accompani- 
ment, spitting, are vulgar in the extreme. 

Miscellaneous Rules. 

A gentleman precedes a lady passing through a 
crowd ; ladies precede gentlemen under ordinary cir- 
cumstances. 

Give your children, unless married, their Christian 
names only, or say " my daughter " or " my son," in 
speaking of them to any one except servants. 

Ladies in escorting each other, never offer or take 
the arm. 

Acknowledge an invitation to stop with a friend, 
or any unusual attention, without delay. 

Never boast of birth, money or friends, or of any 
superior advantages you may possess. 

Never ridicule others, be the objects of your ridi- 
cule present or absent. 

Always show respect for the religious opinions and 
18 



270 GENERAL RULES OF CONDUCT. 

observances of others, no matter how much they may 
differ from your own. 

You should never scratch your head, pick your 
teeth, clean your nails or pick your nose in com- 
pany. 

Never lean your head against the wall, as you may 
disgust your wife or hostess by soiling the paper of 
her room. 

Never slam a door or stamp noisily on entering a 
room. 

Always be punctual. You have no right to waste 
the time of others by making them wait for you. 

Always hand a chair for a lady, pick up her glove 
and perform any little service she may seem to re- 
quire. 

Never attract attention to yourself by talking or 
laughing loudly in public gatherings. 

Keep yourself quiet and composed, under all cir- 
cumstances. Do not get fidgety. If you feel that time 
drags heavily, do not let this be apparent to others 
by any visible sign of uneasiness. 

Refrain from absent-mindedness in the presence of 
others. You pay them a poor compliment if you 
thus forget them. 

Never refuse to accept an apology for an offense, 
and never hesitate to make one, if one is due from 
you. 

Never answer another rudely or impatiently. Re- 
ply courteously, at whatever inconvenience to your- 
self. 



GENERAL RULES OF CONDUCT. 271 

Never intrude upon a business man or woman in 
business hours unless you wish to see them on busi- 
ness. 

Never engage a person in private conversation in 
presence of others, nor make any mysterious allusions 
which no one else understands. 

On entering a room, bow slightly as a general sal- 
utation, before speaking to each of the persons as- 
sembled, i 

Do not seem to notice by word or glance, the de- 
formity of another. 

To administer reproof to anyone in the presence 
of others is very impolite. To scold at any time is 
unwise. 

Never undertake a commission for a friend and 
neglect to perform it. 

Never play a practical joke upon anyone, or an- 
swer a serious remark by a flippant one. 

Never lend a borrowed book, and never keep such 
a book a single day after you are done with it. 

Never pass between two persons who are talking 
together ; and never pass before persons when it is 
possible to pass behind them. When such an act is 
absolutely necessary, always apologize for so doing. 

" Never speak of a man's virtues before his face, 
or his faults behind his back," is a maxim to be re- 
membered. 

Another maxim is, " In private watch your 
thoughts ; in your family watch your temper ; in so- 
ciety watch you tongue." 



272 GENERAL RULES OF CONDUCT. 

Never address a mere acquaintance by his or her 
Christian name. It is a presumption at which the 
acquaintance may take offense. 

Haughtinsss and contempt are among the habits to 
be avoided. The best way is to deal courteously with 
the rude as well as with the courteous. 

In the presence of others, talk as little of yourself 
as possible, or of the business or profession in which 
you are engaged. 

It shows a want of courtesy to consult your watch, 
either at home or abroad. If at home, it appears as 
though you were tired of } T our company, and wished 
them to be gone. \i abroad, it appears as though 
the hours dragged heavily, and you were calculating 
how soon you would be released. 

Do not touch or handle any of the ornaments in 
the house where you visit. They are intended to be 
admired, not handled by visitors. s 

Do not read in company. A gentleman or lady 
may, however, look over a book of engravings or a 
collection of photographs with propriety. 

Every species of affectation should be avoided, as 
it is always detected, and exceedingly disagreeable. 

Washington's Maxims. 

Mr. Sparks, in his biography of Washing-ton, has 
given to the public a collection of Washington's direc- 
tions as to personal conduct, which he called his 
" Rules of Civility and Decent Behavior in Company." 
We give these rules entire, as the reader may be in- 



GENERAL RULES OF CONDUCT. 273 

terested in learning the principles which governed 
the conduct of the " Father of his Country." 

Every action in company ought to be with some 
sign of respect to those present. 

In the presence of others sing not to yourself with 
a humming voice, nor drum with your fingers or 
feet. 

Speak not when others speak, sit not when others 
stand and walk not when others stop. 

Turn not your back to others, especially in speak- 
ing ; jog not the table or desk on which another reads 
or writes ; lean not on anyone. 

Be no flatterer, neither play with anyone that de- 
lights not to be played with. 

Read no letters, books or papers in company ; but 
when there is a necessity for doing it, you must not 
leave. Come not near the books or writings of any- 
one so as to read them unasked ; also look not nigh 
when another is writing a letter. 

Let your countenance be pleasant, but in serious 
matters somewhat grave. 

Show not yourself glad at the misfortune of an- 
other, though he were your enemy. 

They that are in dignity or office have in all places 
precedency, but whilst they are young, they ought to 
respect those that are their equals in birth or other 
qualities, though they have no public charge. 

It is good manners to prefer them to whom we 
speak before ourselves, especially if they be above us. 

Let your discourse with men of business be short 
and comprehensive. 

In visiting the sick do not presently play the phy- 
sician if you be not knowing therein. 

In writing or speaking, give to every person his 
due title according to his degree and the custom of 
the place. 

Strive not with your superiors in argument, but 
always submit your judgment to others with modesty. 



274 GENERAL RULES OF CONDUCT. 

Undertake not to teach your equal in the art he 
himself professes ; it savors arrogancy. 

When a man does all he can, though it succeeds 
not well, blame not him that did it. 

Being to advise or reprehend anyone, consider 
whether it ought to be in public or in private, pres- 
ently or at some other time, also in what terms to do 
it; and in reproving show no signs of choler, but do 
it with sweetness and mildness. 

Mock not nor jest at anything of importance; 
break no jests that are sharp or biting ; and if you 
deliver anything witty or pleasant, abstain from laugh- 
ing thereat yourself. 

Wherein you reprove another be unblamable your- 
self, for example is more prevalent than precept. 

Use no reproachful language against any one, nei- 
ther curses nor revilings. 

Be not hasty to believe flying reports to the dis- 
paragement of anyone. 

In your apparel be modest, and endeavor to ac- 
commodate nature rather than procure admiration. 
Keep to the fashion of your equals, such as are civil 
and orderly with respect to time and place. 

Play not the peacock, looking everywhere about 
you to see if you be well decked, if your shoes fit 
well, if your stockings set neatly and clothes hand- 
somely. 

Associate yourself with men of good quality if you 
esteem your reputation, for it is better to be alone 
than in bad company. 

Let your conversation be without malice or envy, 
for it is a sign of tractable and commendable nature ; 
and in all causes of passion admit reason to govern. 

Be not immodest in urging your friend to discover 
a secret. 

Utter not base and frivolous things amongst grown 
and learned men, nor very difficult questions or sub- 
jects amongst the ignorant, nor things hard to be be- 
lieved. 



GENERAL RULES OF CONDUCT. 275 

Speak not of doleful things in time of mirth nor 
at the table; speak not of melancholy things, as 
death and wounds ; and if others mention them, 
change, if you can, the discourse. Tell not your 
dreams but to your intimate friends. 

Break not a jest when none take pleasure in mirth. 
Laugh not aloud, nor at all without occasion. Deride 
no man's misfortunes, though there seem to be some 
cause. 

Speak not injurious words, neither in jest nor 
earnest. Scoff at none, although they give occasion. 

Be not forward, but friendly and courteous, the 
first to salute, hear and answer, and be not pensive 
when it is time to converse. 

Detract not from others, but neither be excessive 
in commending. 

>Go not thither where you know not whether you 
shall be welcome or not. Give not advice without 
being asked ; and when desired, do it briefly. 

If two contend together, take not the part of 
either unconstrained, and be not obstinate in your 
opinion ; in things indifferent be of the major side. 

Reprehend not the imperfection of others, for that 
belongs to parents, masters and superiors. 

Gaze not on the marks or blemishes of others, and 
ask not how they came. What you may speak in 
secret to your friend deliver not before others. 

Speak not in an unknown tongue in company, but 
in your own language; and that as those of quality 
do, and not as the vulgar. Sublime matters treat 
seriously. 

Think before you speak ; pronounce not imperfect- 
ly, nor bring out your words too hastily, but orderly 
and distinctly. 

When another speaks, be attentive yourself, and 
disturb not the audience. If any hesitate in his 
words, help him not, nor prompt him without being 
desired; interrupt him not, nor answer him till his 
speech be ended. 



276 GENERAL RULES OF CONDUCT. 

Treat with men at fit times about business, and 
whisper not in the company of others. 

Make no comparisons ; and if any of the company 
be commended for any brave act of virtue, commend 
not another for the same. 

Be not apt to relate news if you know not the 
truth thereof. In discoursing of things that you have 
heard, name not your author always. A secret dis- 
cover not. 

Be not curious to know the affairs of others, 
neither approach to those that speak in private. 

Undertake not what you cannot perform; but be 
careful to keep your promise. 

When you deliver a matter, do it without passion 
and indiscretion, however mean the person may be 
you do it to. 

When your superiors talk to anybody, hear them ; 
neither speak nor laugh. 

In disputes be not so desirous to overcome as not 
to give liberty to each one to deliver his opinion, and 
submit to the judgment of the major part, especially 
if they are judges of the dispute. 

Be not tedious in discourse, make not many di- 
gressions, nor repeat often the same matter of dis- 
course. 

Speak no evil of the absent, for it is unjust. 

Be not angry at table, whatever happens ; and if 
you have reason to be so show it not ; put on a 
cheerful countenance, especially if there be strangers, 
for good humor makes one dish a feast. 

Set not yourself at the upper end of the table ; 
but if it be your due, or the master of the house will 
have it so, contend not, lest you should trouble the 
company. 

When you speak of God or his attributes, let it be 
seriously, in reverence and honor, and obey your 
natural parents. 

Let your recreations be manful, not sinful. 

Labor to keep alive in your breast that little spark 
of celestial fire called conscience. 



CHAPTER XXIV. 

jpSJ^HE custom of celebrating anniversary wed- 
AS lil dings has, of late years, been largely prac- 
3 fMsb ticed, and they have become a very pleasant 
means of social reunion among the relatives 
and friends of both husband and wife. Often this is 
the only reason for celebrating them, and the occasion 
is sometimes taken advantage of to give a large party, 
of a more informal nature than could be given under 
other circumstances. The occasion is, of course, one of 
the happy events in the life time of the couple whose 
wedding anniversary is celebrated. It is an occasion 
for recalling the happy event which brought to each 
a new existence, and changed the current of their 
lives. It is an occasion for them to receive congratu- 
lations upon their past married life, and wishes for 
many additional years of wedded bliss. 

Upon these occasions the married couple some- 
times appear in the costumes worn by them on their 
wedding day, which they have preserved with punc- 
tilious care, and when many years have intervened the 
quaintess and oddity of the style of dress from the 

(277) 



278 ANNIVERSARY WEDDINGS. 

prevailing style is a matter of interest, and the occa- 
sion of pleasant comments. The couple receive their 
guests together, who upon entering the drawing-room, 
where they are receiving, extend to them their con- 
gratulations and wishes for continued prosperity and 
happiness. The various anniversaries are designated 
by special names, indicative of the presents suitable 
on each occasion, should guests deem it advisable to 
send presents. It may be here stated that it is en- 
tirely optional with parties invited as to whether any 
presents are sent or taken. At the earlier anniversaries, 
much pleasantry and amusement is occasioned by 
presenting unique and fantastic articles, gotten up for 
the occasion. When this is contemplated, care should 
be taken that they should not be such as are 'liable 
to give offense to a person of sensitive nature. 

The Paper, Cotton and Leather Wedding. 

The first anniversary of the wedding-day is called 
the Paper Wedding, the second the Cotton Wedding, 
and the third the Leather Wedding. The invitations 
to the first should be issued on a grey paper, repre- 
senting thin cardboard. Presents, if given, should be 
solely articles made of paper. 

The invitations for the cotton wedding should be 
neatly printed on fine cotton cloth, and presents 
should be of articles of cotton cloth. 

For the leather wedding invitations should be is- 
sued upon leather, tastily gotton up, and presents, of 
course, should be articles made of leather. 



ANNIVERSA R Y WEDDINGS. 279 

The Wooden Wedding. 

The wooden wedding is the fifth anniversary of 
the marriage. The invitations should be upon thin 
cards of wood, or they may be written on a sheet of 
wedding note paper, and a card of wood enclosed in 
the envelope. The presents suitable to this occasion 
are most numerous, and may range from a wooden 
paper knife or trifling article for kitchen use up to a 
complete set of parlor or chamber furniture. 

The Tin Wedding. 

The tenth anniversary of the marriage is called 
the tin wedding. The invitations for this anniversary 
may be made upon cards covered with tin-foil, or 
upon the ordinary note paper, with a tin card en- 
closed. The guests, if they desire to accompany their 
congratulations with appropriate presents, have the 
whole list of articles manufactured by the tinner's art 
from which to select. 

The Crystal Wedding. 

The crystal wedding is the fifteenth anniversary. 
Invitations may be on thin, transparent paper, or 
colored sheets of prepared gelatine, or on ordinary 
wedding note paper, enclosing a sheet of mica. The 
guests make their offerings to their host and hostess 
of trifles of glass, which may be more or less valua- 
able, as the donor feels inclined. 

The China Wedding. 

The china wedding occurs on the twentieth anni- 



280 ANNIVERSARY WEDDINGS. 

versary of the wedding-day. Invitations should be 
issued on exceedingly fine, semi-transparent note-paper 
or cards. Various articles for the dining or tea-table 
or for the toilet-stand, vases or mantel ornaments, all 
are appropriate on this occasion. 

The Silver Wedding. 
The silver wedding occurs on the twenty-fifth 
marriage anniversary. The invitations issued for this 
wedding should be upon the finest note paper, printed 
in bright silver, with monogram or crest upon both 
paper and envelope, in silver also. If presents are 
offered by any of the guests, they should be of silver, 
and may be the merest trifles or more expensive, as 
the means and inclinations of the donors incline. 

The Golden Wedding. 

The close of the fiftieth year of married life brings 
round the appropriate time for the golden wedding. 
Fifty years of married happiness may indeed be 
crowned with gold. The invitations for this annivers- 
ary celebration should be printed on the finest note 
paper in gold, with crest or monogram on both paper 
and envelope in highly-burnished gold. The presents, 
if any are offered, are also in gold. 

The Diamond Wedding. 
Rarely, indeed, is a diamond wedding celebrated. 
This should be held on the seventy-fifth anniversary 
of the marriage-day. So seldom are these occurrences 



ANNIVERSARY WEDDINGS. 281 

that custom has sanctioned no particular style or 
form to be observed in the invitations. They might 
be issued upon diamond-shaped cards, enclosed in 
envelopes of a corresponding shape. There can be no 
general offering of presents at such a wedding, since 
diamonds in any number are beyond the means of 
most persons. 

Presents at Anniversary .Weddings. 

It is not, as before stated, required that an invi- 
tation to an anniversary wedding be acknowledged by 
a valuable gift, or indeed by any. The donors on 
such occasions are usually only members of the family 
or intimate friends, and may act at their own discre- 
tion in the matter of giving presents. 

On the occasion of golden or silver weddings, it is 
not amiss to have printed at the bottom of the invi- 
tation the words " No presents," or to enclose a card 
announcing — 

" It is preferred that no wedding gifts be offered." 

Invitations to Anniversary Weddings. 

The invitations to anniversary weddings may vary 
somewhat in their wording, according to the fancy of 
the writer, but they are all similar. They should 
give the date of the marriage and the anniversary. 
They may or may not give the name of the husband 
at the right-hand side and the maiden name of the 
wife at the left. What the anniversary is should also 
be indicated. 



282 ANNIVERSARY WEDDINGS. 

The following form will serve as a model : 

1855-1880. 

The pleasure of your company is requested at the 

Silver Wedding Reception 

of 

Mr. and Mrs. Cyrus Jennings, 

On Thursday evening, November 13th, at nine o'clock. 

25 Jackson avenue. 
R. S. V. P. 

A proper variation will make this form equally 
suitable for any of the other anniversary weddings. 

Marriage Ceremony at Anniversary Weddings. 

It is not unusual to have the marriage ceremony 
repeated at these anniversary weddings, especially at 
the silver or golden wedding. The earliest anniversa- 
ries are almost too trivial occasions upon which to in- 
troduce this ceremony. The clergyman who officiates 
may so change the exact words of the marriage cere- 
mony as to render them appropriate to the occasion.. 



CHAPTER XXV. 



iirilp nttb. Slpfetymtg** 




PON the announcement of the birth of a child, 
the lady friends of the mother send her their 

; cards, with inquiries after her health. As 
soon as she is strong enough to permit, the 
mother returns her own card to all from whom she 
received cards and inquiries, with " thanks for kind 
inquiries." Her lady friends then make personal 
visits, but gentlemen do not call upon the mother on 
these occasions. If they wish, they may pay their 
visits to the father, and enquire after the health of 
the mother and child. 



Naming the Child. 

It becomes an all-important matter to the parents, 
what name they shall give to the newly-born child, 
and as this is a matter which may also concern the 
latter at some future day, it becomes an object of 
solicitude, until a suitable name is settled upon. The 
custom in Scotland is to name the first son after the 
father's father, and the first daughter after the mother's 
mother; the second son after the father, the second 

(283) 



284 BIRTHS AND CHRISTENINGS. 

daughter after the mother, and succeeding children 
after other near relations. This perpetuates family 
names, and if they are persons whose names are re- 
garded as worthy of perpetuation, it may be considered 
a good custom to follow. With some it is customary 
to name children after some renowned person, either 
living or dead. There are objections to this plan, 
however, for if the person be still living, he may 
commit some act which will bring opprobrium to his 
name, and so cause both the parent and child to be 
ashamed of bearing such a disgraced name. If the 
person after whom the child is named be dead, it 
may be that the child's character may be so entirely 
different from the person who formerly bore it, that 
the name shall be made a reproach or satire. 

The plan of reviving the old Saxon names has 
been adopted by some, and it has been claimed that 
the names of Edgar, Edwin, Arthur, Alfred, Ethel, 
Maud, Edith, Theresa, and many other of the Saxon 
names are pleasant sounding and strong, and a desir- 
able contrast to the Fannies, Mamies, Minnies, Lizzies, 
Sadies, and other petty diminutives which have 
taken the place of better sounding and stronger names. 

The Christening. 

The christening and the baptism usually occur at 
the same time, and are regulated according to the 
practices of the special church, where the parents 
attend worship. As these are quite varied, it will be 
sufficient only to indicate the forms and customs 
which society imposes at such times. 



BIRTHS AND CHRISTENINGS. 285 

Godparents or Sponsors. 
In the Episcopal Church there are two, and some- 
times three, godparents or sponsors. If the child is 
a boy, there are two godfathers and one godmother. 
If a girl, two godmothers and one godfather. The 
persons selected for godparents should be near rela- 
tives or friends of long and close standing, and should 
be members of the same church into which the child 
is baptized. The maternal grandmother and paternal 
grandfather usually act as sponsors for the first child, 
the maternal grandfather and paternal grandmother 
for the second. A person invited to act as godparent 
should not refuse without good reason. If the grand- 
parents are not selected, it is an act of courtesy to 
select the godmother, and allow her to designate the 
godfather. Young persons should not stand sponsors 
to an infant, and none should offer to act unless their 
superior position warrants them in so doing. 

Presents from Godpare.\ts. 

The sponsors must make their godchild a present 
of some sort — a silver mug, a knife, spoon and fork, 
a handsomely-bound bible, or perhaps a costly piece 
of lace or embroidery suitable for infants' wear. The 
godfather may give a cup, with name engraved, and 
the godmother the christening robe and cap. 

The Christening Ceremony. 
Upon entering the church the babe is carried first 
in the arms of its nurse. Next come the sponsors^ 
19 



286 BIRTHS AND CHRISTENINGS. 

and after them the father and the mother, if she is 
able to be present. The invited guests follow. In 
taking their places the sponsors stand, the godfather 
on the right and the godmother on the left of the 
child. When the question is asked, Who are the 
sponsors for the child? the proper persons should 
merely bow their heads, without speaking. 

In the Roman Catholic Church baptism takes place 
at as early a date as possible. If the child does not 
seem to be strong, a priest is sent for at once, and 
the ceremony is performed at the mother's bedside. 
If, on the other hand, the child is healthy, it is taken 
to the church within a few days after its birth. In 
Protestant churches the ceremony of baptism is usually 
deferred until the mother is able to be present. If 
the ceremony is performed at home, a carriage must 
be sent for the clergyman, and retained to convey him 
back again after the ceremony is .concluded. A 
luncheon may follow the christening, though a colla- 
tion of cake and wine will fill all the requirements oi 
etiquette. It is the duty of the godfather to propose 
the health of the infant. 

Presents from Guests. 
Friends invited to a christening should remember 
the babe in whose honor they convene by some tri- 
fling gift. Gentlemen may present an article of silver, 
ladies something of their own manufacture. 

The Hero of the Occasion. 
It should be remembered that the baby is the per- 



BIRTHS AND CHRISTENINGS. 267 

son of the greatest importance on these occasions, and 
the guests should give it a large share of attention 
and praise. The parents, however, must not make 
this duty too onerous to their guests by keeping a 
tired, fretful child on exhibition. It is better to send 
it at once to the care of the nurse as soon as the 
ceremony is over. 

Fees to the Clergyman. 

Though the church performs the ceremony of 
baptism gratuitously, the parents should, if they are 
able, make a present to the officiating clergyman, or, 
through him, a donation to the poor of the neighborhood. 




CHAPTER XXVI. 

iHE saddest of all ceremonies is that attend- 
ant upon the death of relatives and friends, 
and it becomes us to show, in every possi- 
ble way, the utmost consideration for the 
feelings of the bereaved, and the deepest respect for 
the melancholy occasion. Of late the forms of osten- 
tation at funerals are gradually diminishing, and by 
some people of intelligence, even mourning habilia- 
ments are rejected in whole or in part. 

Invitation to a Funeral. 

It is customary in cities to give the notice of 
death and announcement of a funeral through the 
daily newspapers, though sometimes when such an- 
nouncement may not reach all friends in time, invit- 
ations to the funeral are sent to personal and family 
friends of the deceased. In villages where there is no 
daily paper, such invitations are often issued. 

Private invitations are usually printed on fine 
small note paper, with a heavy black border, and in 
such form as the following: 

(288) 



FUNERALS. 289 

Yourself and family are respectfully invited to at- 
tend the funeral of Mr. James B. Southey, from his 
late residence, No. 897 Williams avenue, on Friday, 
October 18, at 3 o'clock, p. m., (or from St. Paul's 
Episcopal Church), to proceed to Woodland cemetery 

When an announcement of a death is sent to a 
friend or relative at a distant point, it is usual to 
telegraph or to write the notice of death, time and 
place of funeral, to allow the friend opportunity to 
arrive before the services. 

It is a breach of good manners not to accept an 
invitation to a funeral when one is sent. 

Arrangements for the Funeral. 

It is customary to trust the details of the arrange- 
ments for the funeral to some relative or friend of 
the family, and if there be no friend who can perform 
this duty, it can be safely left with the undertaker to 
perform the painful duties of master of ceremonies. 
It is prudent to name a limit for the expenses of the 
funeral, and the means of the family should always 
govern these. Pomp and display should always be 
avoided, as they are out of keeping with the solemn 
occasion, and inconsistent with real grief. At the 
funeral some one should act as usher to seat the 
friends who attend. 

The House of Mourning, 
Upon entering the house of mourning, a gentleman 
should always remove his hat in the hall, and not 
replace it until he is about to depart. No calls -of 



290 FUNERALS. 

condolence should be made upon the bereaved family- 
while the dead remains in the house, and members 
of the family may be excused from receiving any but 
their most intimate friends at that time. 

There should be no loud talking or confusion while 
the body remains in the house. All differences and 
quarrels must be forgotten in the house of mournings 
and personal enemies who meet at a funeral must 
treat each other with respect and dignity. The bell 
knob or door handle is draped with black crape, with 
a black ribbon tied on, if the deceased is married or 
advanced in years, and with a white ribbon, if young 
or unmarried. 

The Funeral Services. 

If the services are held at the house, some near 
friend or relative will receive the guests. The imme- 
diate members of the family and near relatives should 
take a final view of the corpse just before the arrival 
of the guests, and should not make their appearance 
again until the services are about to commence. It 
is becoming customary now to reserve a room of the 
house adjoining that in which the services are held 
for the exclusive use of the near relatives and mem- 
bers of the family during the services. Then the 
clergyman takes his position at the door between the 
two rooms while conducting the services. As guests 
arrive, they are requested to take a last look at the 
corpse before seating themselves, and upon the con- 
clusion of the services the coffin lid is closed, and the 



FUNERALS. 291 

remains are borne to the hearse. The custom of open- 
ing the coffin at the church to allow all who attend 
to take a final look at the corpse, is rapidly coming 
into disfavor. The friends who desire it are requested 
to view the corpse at the house, before it is taken to 
the church. 

If, however, the deceased is a person of great 
prominence in the community, and the house is not 
able to accommodate the large numbers who desire to 
take a last look at the face of the deceased, then, 
perhaps it may be well that the coffin should be 
opened at the church. 

The Pall-Bearers. 

The pall-bearers, usually six, but sometimes eight, 
when the deceased is a person of considerable promi- 
nence, are generally chosen from the intimate acquaint- 
ances of the deceased, and of nearly the same age. 
If they walk to the cemetery, they take their position 
in equal numbers on either side of the hearse. If 
they ride, their carriage or carriages precede the 
hearse. 

Order of the Procession. 

The carriages containing the clergyman and pall- 
bearers precede the hearse, immediately following 
which are the carriages of the nearest relatives, more 
distant relatives and friends respectively. When 
societies or masonic bodies take part in the procession 
they precede the hearse. 



292 FUNERALS. 

The horse of a deceased mounted military officer, 
fully equipped and draped in mourning, will be led 
immediately after the hearse. As the mourners pass 
out to enter the carriages, the guests stand with un- 
covered heads. No salutations are given or received. 
The person who officiates as master of ceremonies, 
assists the mourners to enter and alight from the car- 
riages. At the cemetery the clergyman or priest walks 
in advance of the coffin. In towns and villages where 
the cemetery is near at hand and the procession goes 
on foot, the men should go with uncovered heads, if 
the weather permit, the hat being held in the right 
hand- Guests return to their respective homes after 
the services at the grave. 

Floral Decorations. 

The usual decorations of the coffin are flowers, 
tastefully arranged in a beautiful wreath for a child 
or young person, and a cross for a married person, 
which are placed upon the coffin. These flowers 
should mostly be white. Near friends of the deceased 
may send beautiful floral devices, if they wish, as a 
mark of their esteem for the deceased, which should 
be sent in time to be used for decorative purposes. 

Other Decorations. 

A person of rank generally bears some insignia 
upon his coffin. Thus a deceased army or naval 
officer will have his coffin covered with the national 
flag, and his hat, epaulettes, sworH and sash laid upon 



FUNERALS. 293 

the lid. The regalia of a deceased officer of the 
Masonic or Odd Fellows' fraternity is often placed 
upon the coffin. 

Call^ Upon the Bereaved Family. 

About a week after the funeral, friends call upon 
the bereaved family, and acquaintances call within a 
month. The calls of the latter are not repeated until 
cards of acknowledgment have been received by the 
family, the leaving of which announces that they are 
ready to see their friends. It is the custom for 
friends to wear no bright colors when making their 
calls of condolence. In making first calls of condo- 
lence, none but most intimate friends ask to see the 
family. Short notes of condolence, expressing the 
deepest sympathy, are usually accepted, and help to 
comfort stricken hearts. Formal notes of condolence 
are no longer sent. Those who have known anything 
of the unsounded depths of sorrow do not attempt 
consolation. All that they attempt to do is to find 
words wherein to express their deep sympathy with 
the grief-stricken ones. 

Seclusion op the Bereaved Family. 

No member of the immediate family of the de- 
ceased will leave the house between the time of the 
death and the funeral. A lady friend will be com- 
missioned to make all necessary purchases, engage 
seamstresses, etc. It is not desirable to enshroud our- 
selves in gloom after a bereavement, however great it 



294 FUNERALS. 

may be, and consequently no prescribed period of 
seclusion can be given. Real grief needs no appointed 
time for seclusion. It is the duty of every one to 
interest himself or herself in accustomed objects of care 
as soon as it is possible to make the exertion ; for in 
fulfilling our duties- to the living, we best show the 
strength of our affection for the dead, as well as our 
submission to the will of Him who knows what is 
better for our dear ones than we can know or dream. 




CHAPTER XXVII. 

JERTAIN local rules have been recognized ir: 
society at Washington, from the fact that a 
gentleman's social position is acquired by vir- 
tue of certain offices which he holds, and the 

social status of woman is also determined by the 

official rank of her husband. 

The President. 

As the President of the United States holds the 
highest official rank and title in political life, so is 
he also, by virtue of that office, awarded precedence 
in social life. There is no necessity of special form- 
alities to form his acquaintance, and he receives calls 
without being under any obligation to return them. 
He may be addressed either as " Mr. President," or 
" Your Excellency." Sometimes he gives up the 
morning hours to receiving calls, and at such times 
precedence is given to such people as have business 
with him, over parties who go to make a formal call. 
In either case, the caller is shown to the room occu- 
pied by the President's secretaries, presents his card, 

(295) 



296 WASHINGTON ETIQUETTE. 

and waits his turn to be admitted. If the caller has 
no business, but goes out of curiosity, he pays his 
respects and withdraws to make room for others. It 
is better in making a private call, to secure the com- 
pany of some official or some friend of the President 
to introduce you. 

Receptions at the White House. 

Stated receptions are given at the White House by 
the President during sessions of congress, and all are 
at liberty to attend them. Sometimes these are 
morning, and sometimes evening receptions. Upon 
entering the reception room, the caller gives his name 
to the usher, who announces it, and upon approaching 
the President is introduced, by some official to whom 
that duty is assigned, both to the President and to the 
members of his family who receive with him. The 
callers pass on, after being introduced, mingle in 
social intercourse and view the various rooms until 
ready to depart. If a caller wishes he may leave his 
card. 

The same rules of etiquette prevail at state dinners 
given by the President as at any formal dinner, pre- 
cedence being given to guests according to official 
rank and dignity. An invitation by the President 
must be accepted, and it is admissible to break any 
other engagement for the purpose of accepting such 
an invitation. In breaking an engagement already 
made, however, it is necessary to explain the cause, 
in order to avoid giving offense. It is not regarded 



WASHINGTON ETIQUETTE. 297 

as discourteous to break an engagement for this rea- 
son. 

The wife of the President is not under obligation 
to return calls, though she may visit those whom she 
wishes to favor with such attentions. Other members 
of the President's family may receive and return calls. 

New- Year's Receptions at the White House. 

As the New- Year's receptions at the White House 
are the most ceremonious occasions of the executive 
mansion, it is the custom of the ladies who attend 
them to appear in the most elegant toilets suited to 
a morning reception. Members of foreign legations- 
appear in the court dresses of their respective coun- 
tries on this occasion, in paying their respects to the- 
President of the United States. 

Order of Official Rank. 

Next in rank to the President come the Chief 
Justice, the Vice President and the Speaker of the- 
House of Representatives. These receive first visits 
from all others. The General of the army and the Ad- 
miral of the navy come next in the order of official rank. 
Members of the House of Representatives call first on all 
the officials named. The wife of any official is en- 
titled to the same social precedence as her husband. 
Among officers of the army and navy, the Lieutenant 
General corresponds to the Vice Admiral, the Major 
General to Rear Admiral, Brigadier General to Com- 
modore, Colonel to Captain in the navy, and so on 
through the lower grades. 



298 WASHINGTON ETIQUETTE. 

The Cabinet Officers. 

The officers of the cabinet, comprising the Secre- 
taries of State, the Treasury, the War, the Navy, the 
Postmaster General, the Secretary of the Interior and 
the Attorney General, expect to receive calls, and as 
all the officers are of the same rank and dignity, it 
is only on occasions of State ceremonies that an order 
of preference is observed, which is as above given. The 
wives of the cabinet officers, or the ladies of their 
household, have onerous social duties to perform. 
They hold receptions every Wednesday during the 
season, which lasts from the first of January to Lent, 
when their houses are open to all who choose to favor 
them with a call, and on these occasions refreshments 
are served. The ladies of the family are expected to 
return these calls, at which time they leave the card 
of the cabinet officer, and an invitation to an evening 
reception. The cabinet officers are expected to enter- 
tain Senators, Representatives, Justices of the Supreme 
Court, members of the diplomatic corps and dis- 
tinguished visitors at Washington, as well as the 
ladies of their respective families. The visiting hours 
at the capital are usually from two until half-past 
five. The- labor and fatigue which social duties re- 
quire of the ladies of the family of a cabinet officer 
are fairly appalling. To stand for hours during recep- 
tions at her own house, to stand at a series of enter- 
tainments at the houses of others, whose invitation 
courtesy requires should be accepted, and to return 



WASHINGTON ETIQUETTE. 299 

in person, calls made upon her, are a few of the duties 
of the wife of a cabinet officer. 

How to Address the Officials. 

When writing to the different officials, the Presi- 
dent is addressed " His Excellency, the President of 
the United States ;" the members of the cabinet " The 
Honorable, the Secretary of State," etc., giving each 
his proper title ; the Vice President, " The Honorable, 
the Vice President of the United States." In a cere- 
monious note, words must not be abbreviated. In 
conversation the Speaker of the House of Representa- 
tives is addressed as " Mr. Speaker ;" a member of the 
cabinet as " Mr. Secretary ;" a senator as " Mr. Sena- 
tor ;" a member of the House of Representatives as 
" Mister," unless he has some other title ; but he is 
introduced as " The Honorable Mr. Burrows, of Michi- 
gan." The custom is becoming prevalent of address- 
ing the wives of officials with the prefixed titles of 
their husbands, as "Mrs. General Sherman," "Mrs. 
Senator Thurman," " Mrs. Secretary Evarts." 

The First to Visit. 

The custom of first visits or calls at the capital is 
that residents shall make the first call on strangers, 
and among the latter those arriving first upon those 
coming later. Foreign ministers, however, in order to 
make themselves known, call first upon the members 
of the cabinet, which is returned. 



300 WASHINGTON ETIQUETTE. 

Senators and Representatives. 

It is entirely optional with Senators, Representa- 
tives and all other officials except the President and 
members of his cabinet, whether they entertain. They 
act upon their own pleasure in the matter. 



CHAPTER XXVIII. 

N this country, where everybody possesses one 
and the same title, that of a citizen of this 
Republic, no one can claim a superiority of 
rank and title. Not so in European countries, 
where the right of birth entitles a person to honor, 
rank and title. And as our citizens are constantly 
visiting foreign countries, it is well to understand 
something of titles and ranks and their order of 
precedence. 

Royalty. 

In England, the king and queen are placed at the 
top of the social structure. The mode by which 
they are addressed is in the form " Your Majesty." 

The prince of Wales, the heir-apparent to the throne, 
stands second in dignity. The other children are all 
known during their minority as princes and princesses. 
The eldest princess is called the crown princess. 
Upon their majority the younger sons have the title 
of duke bestowed upon them, and the daughters 
retain that of princesses, adding to it the title of 
20 (301) 



302 FOREIGN TITLES. 

their husbands. They are all designated as "Their 
Royal Highnesses." 

The Nobility. 

A duke who inherits the title from his father 
stands one grade below a royal duke. The wife of a 
duke is known as a duchess. They are both addressed 
as " Your Grace." The eldest son is a marquis until 
he inherits the higher title of his father. His wife is 
a marchioness. The younger sons are lords by court- 
esy, and the daughters are distinguished by having 
" Lady " prefixed to their Christian names. Earls and 
barons are both spoken of as lords and their wives as 
ladies, though the latter are by right respectively 
countesses and baronesses. The daughters of the 
former are " ladies," the younger sons of both " honor- 
ables." The earl occupies the higher position of the 
two in the peerage. 

These complete the list of nobility,' unless we in- 
clude bishops, who are lords in right of their eccle- 
siastical office, but whose title is not hereditary. 

All these are entitled to seats in the upper House 
of Parliament. 

The Gentry. 

Baronets are known as " Sir," and their wives 
receive the title of " Lady ;" but they are only com- 
moners of a higher degree, though there are families 
who have borne their title for many successive gener- 
ations who would not exchange it for a recently created 
peerage. 



FOREIGN TITLES, 303 

A clergyman, by right of his calling, stands on an 
equality with all commoners, a bishop with all peers. 

Esquire. 

The title of Esquire, which is only an empty com- 
pliment in this country, has special significance in 
England. The following in that country have a legal 
right to the title : 

The sons of peers, whether known in common con- 
versation as lords or honorables. 

The eldest sons of peers' sons, and their eldest sons 
in perpetual succession. 

All the sons of baronets. 

The esquires of the Knights of the Bath. 

Lords of manors, chiefs of clans and other tenants 
of the crown in capite are esquires by prescription. 

Esquires created to that rank by patent, and their 
eldest sons in perpetual succession. 

Esquires by office, such as justices of the peace 
while on the roll, mayors of towns during mayoralty 
and sheriffs of counties (who retain the title for life). 

Members of the House of Commons. 

Barristers-at-law. 

Bachelors of divinity, law and physic. 

All who in commissions signed by the sovereign, 
are ever styled esquires retain that designation for life. 

Imperial Rank. 

Emperors and empresses rank higher than kings. 
The sons and daughters of the emperor of Austria are 



304 FOREIGN TITLES. 

called archdukes and archduchesses, the names being 
handed down from the time when the ruler of that 
country claimed for himself no higher title than that of 
archduke. The emperor of Russia is known as the 
czar, the name being identical with the Roman caesar 
and the German kaiser. The heir-apparent to the 
Russian throne' is the czarowitch. 

European Titles. 

Titles in continental Europe are so common and 
so frequently unsustained by landed and moneyed in- 
terests, that they have not that significance which they 
hold in England. A count may be a penniless scamp, 
depending upon the gambling-table for a precarious 
subsistence, and looking out for the chance of making 
a wealthy marriage. 

A German baron may be a good, substantial, un- 
pretending man, something after the manner of an 
American farmer. A German prince or duke, since 
the absorption of the smaller principalities of Germany 
by Prussia, may have nothing left him but a barren 
title and a meagre rent-roll. The Italian prince is 
even of less account than the German one, since his 
rent-roll is too frequently lacking altogether, and his 
only inheritance may be a grand but decayed palace, 
without means sufficient to keep it in repair or furnish 
it properly. 

Presentation at the Court of St. James. 
It is frequently a satisfaction to an American to 



FOREIGN TITLES. 305 

be presented to the queen during a sojourn in England, 
and as the queen is really an excellent woman, 
worthy of all honor, not only can there be no valid 
cause for objection to such presentation, but it may 
well be looked upon as an honor to be sought for. 

Those Eligible to Presentation at Court. 

The nobility, with their wives and daughters, are 
eligible to presentation at court, unless there be some 
grave moral objection, in which case, as it has ever 
been the aim of the good and virtuous queen to main- 
tain a high standard of morality within her court, 
the objectionable parties are rigidly excluded. The 
clergy, naval and military officers, physicians and 
barristers and the squirearchy, with their wives and 
daughters, have also a right to pay their personal 
respects to their queen. Those of more democratic 
professions, such as solicitors, merchants and mechanics 
have not, as a rule, that right, though wealth and 
connection have recently proved an open sesame at the 
gates of St. James. Any person who has been pre- 
sented at court may present a friend in his or her 
turn. A person wishing to be presented, must beg the 
favor from the friend or relative of the highest rank 
he or she may possess. 

Preliminaries to Presentation. 

Any nobleman or gentleman who proposes to be 
presented to the queen, must leave at the lord cham- 
berlain's office before twelve o'clock, two days before 



306 FOREIGN TITLES. 

the levee, a card with his name written thereon, and 
with the name of the nobleman or gentleman by 
whom he is to be presented. In order to carry out 
the existing regulation that no presentation can be 
made at a - levee except by a person actually at- 
tending that levee, it is also necessary that a letter 
from the nobleman or gentleman who is to make the 
presentation, stating it to be his intention to be pre- 
sent, should accompany the presentation card above 
referred to, which will.be submitted to the queen for 
Her Majesty's approbation. These regulations of the 
lord chamberlain must be implicitly obeyed. 

Directions at what gate to enter and where the 
carriages are to stop are always printed in the news- 
papers. These directions apply with equal force to 
ladies and to gentlemen. 

The person to be presented must provide himself 
or herself with a court costume, which for men con- 
sists partly of knee-breeches and hose, for women of 
an ample court train. These costumes are indispens- 
able, and can be hired for the occasion. 

The Presentation. 

'It is desirable to be early to escape the crowd. 
When the lady leaves her carriage, she must leave 
everything in the shape of a cloak or scarf behind her. 
Her train must be carefully folded over her left arm 
as she enters the long gallery of St. James, where she 
waits her turn for presentation. 



FOREIGN TITLES. 307 

The lady is at length ushered into the presence- 
chamber, which is entered by two doors. She goes 
in at the one indicated to her, dropping her train as 
she passes the threshold, which train is instantly 
spread out by the wands of the lords-in-waiting. 
The lady then walks forward toward the sovereign or 
the person who represents the sovereign. The card on 
which her name is inscribed is then handed to another 
lord-in-waiting, who reads the name aloud. When 
she arrives just before His or Her Majesty, she should 
courtesy as low as possible, so as to almost kneel. 

If the lady presented be a peeress or a peer's 
daughter, the queen kisses her on the forehead. If 
only a commoner, then the queen extends her hand 
to be kissed by the lady presented, who, having done 
so, rises, courtesys to each of the other members of 
the royal family present, and then passes on. She 
must keep her face turned toward the sovereign as 
she passes to and through the door leading from the 
presence-chamber. 



CHAPTER XXIX. 

N the chapter on " Our Manners," we have spoken 
of the importance of civility and politeness as 
a means of success to the business and profes- 
sional man. It is in the ordinary walks of life, 
in the most trivial affairs, that a man's real character 
is shown, and consequently every man, whatever may 
be his calling, will do well to give due attention to 
those trivial affairs which, in his daily association 
with men of the world will give him a reputation of 
being cold, austere and unapproachable, or warm- 
hearted, genial and sympathetic. 

Form Good Habits. 

It is important for the young man learning busi- 
ness, or just getting a start in business, to form correct 
habits, and especially to form the habit of being polite 
to all with whom he has business relations, showing 
the same courteous treatment to men or women, poorly 
or plainly dressed, as though they were attired in the 
most costly of garments. A man who forms habits of 
politeness and the gentlemanly treatment of everybody 

(308) 



BUSINESS. 309 

in early life, has acquired the good-will of all with 
whom he has ever been brought into social or busi- 
ness relations. He should also guard against such 
habits as profanity, the use of tobacco and intoxicat- 
ing liquors, if he would gain and retain the respect 
of the best portion of the community, and should, if 
possible, cultivate the habit of being cheerful at all 
times and in all places. 

Keep Your Temper. 

In discussing business matters, never lose your 
temper, even though your opponent in a controversy 
should become angry, and in the heat of discussion 
make rude and disagreeable remarks and charges. By 
a calm and dignified bearing and courteous treatment 
you will conquer his rudeness. 

Honesty the Best Policy. 

" Honesty is the best policy," is -a maxim which 
merchants and tradesmen will find as true as it is 
trite, and no tradesman who wishes to retain his cus- 
tomers and his reputation will knowingly misrepresent 
the quality of his goods. It is not good policy for a 
merchant or clerk in seeling goods, to tell the cus- 
tomer what they cost, for in the majority of cases he 
will not be believed. 

The Example op a Merchant Prince. 

The value of politeness to a merchant is nowhere 
more clearly shown than in the case of the late A. 



310 BUSINESS. 

T. Stewart, the merchant prince of New York. He 
not only, treated every customer he waited upon with 
the utmost courtesy, but he demanded it of every 
employe, and sought for men possessing every quality 
of character tending to secure this suavit}^ of manner, 
in the selection of his salesmen and clerks. He re- 
quired them to observe rigidly all rules and forms of 
politeness, and would allow no partiality shown to 
people on account of their dress, those clad in humble 
apparel being treated with the same affability and 
politeness as those richly dressed. Everybody who 
entered his store was sure of receiving kind and 
courteous treatment; This may or may not have 
been his secret of success, but it certainly gained and 
retained for him a large custom, and was one element 
in his character which can be highly commended. 
And every merchant will be judged of by his cus- 
tomers in proportion to the courteous treatment they 
receive from him, or from clerks in his store. The 
lawyer or the doctor will also acquire popularity and 
patronage as he exhibits courteous and kind treatment 
to all with whom he comes into "social or business 

relations. 

Breaking an Appointment. 

Do not break an appointment with a business 
man, if possible to avoid it, for if you do, the party 
with whom you made it may have reason to think 
that you are not a man of your word, and it may 
also cause him great annoyance, and loss of time. If 
however, it becomes absolutely necessary to do so, 



BUSINESS. 311 

you should inform him beforehand, either by a note 
or by a special messenger, giving reasons for its non- 
fulfillment. 

Promptly Meeting Notes and Drafts. 

Every business man knows the importance of 
meeting promptly his notes and drafts, for to neglect 
it is disastrous to his reputation as a prompt business; 
man. He should consider, also, apart from this, that 
he is under a moral obligation to meet these pay- 
ments promptly when due. If circumstances which 
you cannot control prevent this, write at once to your- 
creditor, stating plainly and frankly the reason why you. 
are unable to pay him, and when you will be able. 
He will accommodate you if he has reason to believe- 
your statements. 

Prompt Payment of Bills. . 

If a bill is presented you for payment, you should,, 
if it is correct, pay it as promptly as though it were 
a note at the bank already due. The party who pre- 
sents the bill may be in need of the money, and 
should receive what is his due when he demands it. 
On the other hand, do not treat a man who calls 
upon you to pay a bill, or to whom you send to 
collect a bill as though you were under no obligation 
to him. While you have a right to expect him to 
pay it, still its prompt payment may have so incon- 
venienced him as to deserve your thanks. 



312 BUSINESS. 

General Rules. 

If you chance to see a merchant's books or papers 
left open before you, it is not good manners to look 
over them, to ascertain their contents. 

If you write a letter asking for information, you 
should always enclose an envelope, addressed and 
stamped for the answer. 

Courtesy demands that you reply to all letters 
immediately. 

If you are in a company of men where two or 
more are talking over business matters, do not listen 
to the conversation which it was not intended you 
should hear. 

In calling upon a man during business hours, 
transact your business rapidly and make your call as 
short as is consistent with the matters on hand. As 
a rule, men have but little time to visit during busi- 
ness hours. 

If an employer has occasion to reprove any of his 
clerks or employes, he will find that by speaking 
kindly he will accomplish the desired object much 
better than by harsher means. 

In paying out a large sum of money, insist that 
the person to whom it is paid shall count it in your 
presence, and on the other hand, never receive a sum 
of money without counting it in the presence of the 
party who pays it to you. In this way mistakes may 
be avoided. 



CHAPTER XXX 



J)rm+ 



SRfc^O dress well requires good taste, good sense 
jMMlft© anc ^ refinement. A woman of good sense 
Sllr/W will neither make dress her first nor her last 
object in life. No sensible wife will betray 
that total indifference for her husband which is im- 
plied in the neglect of her appearance, and she will 
remember that to dress consistently and tastefully is 
one of the duties which she owes to society. Every 
lady, however insignificant her social position may 
appear to herself, must exercise a certain influence on 
the feelings and opinions of others. An attention to 
dress is useful as retaining, in the minds of sensible- 
men, that pride in a wife's appearance, which is so- 
agreeable to her, as well as that due influence which 
cannot be obtained without it. But a love of dress 
has its perils for weak minds. Uncontrolled by good 
sense, and stimulated by personal vanity, it becomes 
a temptation at first, and then a curse. When it is 
indulged in to the detriment of better employments, 
and beyond the compass of means, it cannot be too 
severely condemned. It then becomep criminal. 

(313) 



•314 DRESS. 

Consistency in Dress. 

Consistency in regard to station and fortune is the 
first matter to be considered. A woman of good sense 
will not wish to expend in unnecessary extravagances, 
money wrung from an anxious, laborious husband; 
or if her husband be a man of fortune, she will not, 
even then, encroach upon her allowance. In the early 
years of married life, when the income is moderate, it 
should be the pride of a woman to see how little she 
can spend upon her dress, and yet present that taste- 
ful and creditable appearance which is desirable^ 
Much depends upon management, and upon the care 
taken of garments. She should turn everything to 
account, and be careful of her clothing when wearing 
it. 

Extravagance in Dress. 

Dress to be in perfect taste, need not be costly. 
It is unfortunate that in the United States too much 
attention is paid to dress by those who have neither 
the excuse of ample means, nor of social culture. 
The wife of a poorly paid clerk or of a young man 
just starting in business, aims at dressing as stylishly 
as does the wealthiest among her acquaintances. The 
sewing girl, the shop girl, the chambermaid, and even 
the cook, must have their elegantly trimmed silk 
dresses and velvet cloaks for Sunday and holiday 
wear, and the injury done by this state of things to 
the morals and manners of the lower classes is 
incalculable. 



DRESS. 315 

As fashions are constantly changing, those who do 
not adopt the extremes, as there are so many of the 
prevailing modes at present, can find something to 
suit every style of form and face. 

Indifference to Dress. 

Indifference and inattention to dress is a defect of 
character rather than a virtue, and often denotes in- 
dolence and slovenliness. Every woman should aim 
to make herself look as well as possible with the 
means at her command. Among the rich, a fondness 
for dress promotes exertion and activity of the mental 
powers, cultivates a correct taste and fosters industry 
and ingenuity among those who seek to procure for 
them the material and designs for dress. Among the 
middle classes it encourages diligence, contrivance, 
planning and deftness of handiwork, and among the 
poorer classes it promotes industry and economy. A 
fondness for dress, when it does not degenerate into 
vain show, has an elevating and refining influence on 

society. 

Appropriate Dress. 

To dress appropriately is another important mat- 
ter to be considered. Due regard must be paid to the 
physical appearance of the person, and the dress 
must be made to harmonize throughout. An appro- 
priate dress is that which so harmonizes with the 
figure as to make the apparel unnoticeable. Thin 
ladies can wear delicate colors, while stout persons 
look best in black or dark gray. For young and old 



316 DRESS. 

the question of appropriate color must be determined 
by the figure and complexion. Rich colors harmonize 
with brunette complexions or dark hair, and delicate 
colors with persons of light hair and blonde complex- 
ions. 

Gloves. 

Gloves are worn by gentlemen as well as ladies in 
the street, at an evening party, at the opera or thea- 
tre, at receptions, at church, when paying a call, rid- 
ing or driving ; but not in the country or at dinner- 
White should be worn at balls ; the palest colors at 
evening parties and neutral shades at church. 

Evening Dress for Gentlemen. 

The evening or full dress for gentlemen is a black 
dress-suit — a " swallow-tail " coat, the vest cut low, the 
cravat white, and kid gloves of the palest hue or 
white. The shirt front should be white and plain ; 
the studs and cuff-buttons simple. Especial atten- 
tion should be given to the hair, which should be 
neither short nor long. It is better to err upon the 
too short side, as too long hair savors of affectation 
destroys the shape of the physiognomy and has a 
touch of vulgarity about it. Evening dress is the 
same for a large dinner party, a ball or an opera. 
In some circles, however, evening dress is considered 
an affectation, and it is well to do as others do. On 
Sunday, morning dress is worn, and on that day of 
the week no gentleman is expected to appear in even- 
ing dress, either at church, at home or away from. 



DRESS. 317 

home. Gloves are dispensed with at dinner parties, 

and pale colors are preferred to white for evening 

wear. 

Morning Dress for Gentlemen. 

The morning dress for gentlemen is a black frock- 
coat, or a black cut-away, white or black vest, accord- 
ing to the season, gray or colored pants, plaid or 
stripes, according to the fashion, a high silk (stove- 
pipe) hat, and a black scarf or necktie. A black 
frock coat with black pants is not considered a good 
combination, nor is a dress coat and colored or light 
pants. The morning dress is suitable for garden 
parties, Sundays, social teas, informal calls, morning 
calls and receptions. 

It will be seen that morning and evening dress for 
gentlemen varies as much as it does for ladies. It is 
decidedly out of place for a gentleman to wear a dress 
coat and white tie in the day-time, and when even- 
ing dress is desired on ceremonious occasions, the 
shutters should be closed and the gas or lamps lighted. 
The true evening costume or full dress suit, accepted 
as such throughout the world, has firmly established 
itself in this country ; yet there is still a considera- 
ble amount of ignorance displayed as to the occasions 
when it should be worn, and it is not uncommon 
for the average American, even high officials and 
dignified people, to wear the full evening costume at 
a morning reception or some midday ceremony. A 
dress coat at a morning or afternoon reception or 
luncheon, is entirely out of place, while the frock- 
21 



318 BBESS. 

coat or cut-away and gray pants, make a becoming 
costume for such an occasion. 

Jewelry for Gentlemen. 
It is not considered in good taste for men to wear 
much jewelry. They may with propriety, wear one 
plain gold ring, studs and cuff-buttons, and a watch 
chain, not too massive, with a modest pendant, or 
none at all. Anything more looks like a superabun- 
dance of ornament. 

Evening Dress for Ladies. 

Evening dress for ladies may be as rich, elegant 
and gay as one chooses to make it. It is everywhere 
the custom to wear full evening dress in brilliant 
evening assemblages. They may be cut either high 
or low at the neck, yet no ladies should wear their 
dresses cut so low as make it quite noticeable or a 
special subject of remark. Evening dress is what is 
commonly known as " full dress," and will serve for 
a large evening party, ball or dinner. No directions 
can be laid down with reference to it, as fashion 
devises how it is to be made and what material used. 

Ball Dress. 

Ball dressing requires less art than the nice grad- 
ations of costume in the dinner dress, and the dress 
for evening parties. For a ball, everything should be 
light and diaphanous, somewhat fanciful and airy. 
The heavy, richly-trimmed silk is only appropriate to 



DEESS. 319 

those who do not dance. The richest velvets, the 
brightest and most delicate tints in silk, the most ex- 
pensive laces, elaborate coiffures, a large display of 
diamonds, artificial flowers for the head-dress and 
I natural flowers for hand bouquets, all belong, more or 
less, to the costume for a large ball. 

The Full Dinner Dress. 

The full dinner dress for guests admits of great 
splendor. It may be of any thick texture of silk or 
velvet for winter, or light rich goods for summer, and 
should be long and sweeping. Every trifle in a 
lady's costume should be, as far as she can afford it, 
faultless. The fan should be perfect in its way, and 
the gloves should be quite fresh. Diamonds are used 
in broaches, pendants, ear-rings and bracelets. If 
artificial flowers are worn in the hair, they should be 
of the choicest description. All the light neutral 
tints, and black, dark blue, purple," dark green, gar- 
net, brown and fawn are suited for dinner wear. 

Dress of Hostess at a Dinner Party. 

The dress of a hostess at a dinner party should 
be rich in material, but subdued in tone, so as not 
to eclipse any of her guests. A young hostess should 
wear a dress of rich silk, black or dark in color, with 
collar and cuffs of fine lace, and if the dinner be by 
daylight, plain jewelry, but by gaslight, diamonds. 



320 DRESS. 

Showy Dress. 

The glaring colors and " loud " costumes, once so 
common, have given place to sober grays, and browns 
and olives; black predominating over all. The light 
showily-trimmed dresses, which were once displayed 
in the streets and fashionable promenades, are now 
only worn in carriages. This display of showy dress 
and glaring colors is generally confined to those who 
love ostentation more than comfort. 

Dress for Receiving Calls. 

If a lady has a special day for the reception of 
calls, her dress must be of silk, or other goods suita- 
ble to the season, or to her position, but must be of 
quiet colors and plainly worn. Lace collars and cuffs 
should be worn with this dress, and a certain amount 
of jewelry is also admissible. A lady whose mornings 
are devoted to the superintendence of her domestic 
affairs, may receive a casual caller in her ordinary 
morning dress, which must be neat, yet plain, with 
white plain linen collars and cuffs. For New- Year's 
or other calls of special significance, the dress should 
be rich, and may be elaborately trimmed. If the 
parlors are closed and the gas lighted, full evening 
dress is required. 

Carriage Dress. 

The material for a dress for a drive through the 
public streets of a city, or along a fashionable drive 
or park cannot be too rich. Silks, velvets and laces 



DRESS. 321 

are all appropriate, with rich jewelry and costly furs 
in the cold weather. If the fashion require it ? the 
carriage dress may he long enough to trail, or it may 
be of the length of a walking dress, which many pre- 
fer. For driving in the country, a different style of 
dress is required, as the dust and mud would soil 
rich material. 

Visiting Costumes. 

Visiting costumes, or those worn at a funeral or 
informal calls are of richer material than walking 
suits. The bonnet is either simple or rich, according 
to the taste of the wearer. A jacket of velvet, or 
shawl or fur-trimmed mantle are the concomitants of 
the carriage dress in winter. In summer all should 
be bright, cool, agreeable to wear and pleasant to 
look at. 

Dress for Morning Calls. 

Morning calls may be made either in walking or 
carriage dress, provided the latter is justified by the 
presence of the carriage. The dress should be of silk; 
collar and cuffs of the finest lace ; light gloves ; a full 
dress bonnet and jewelry of gold, either dead, burnished 
or enameled, or of cameo or coral. Diamonds are not 
usually worn in daylight. A dress of black or neutral 
,tint, in which light colors are introduced only in 
small quantities, is the most appropriate for a morn- 
ing call. 

Morning Dress for Street. 

The morning dress for the street should be quiet 



322 DRESS. 

in color, plainly made and of serviceable material. 
It should be short enough to clear the ground without 
collecting mud and garbage. Lisle-thread gloves in 
midsummer, thick gloves in midwinter are more com- 
fortable for street wear than kid ones. Linen collars 
and cuffs are most suitable for morning street dress. 
The bonnet and hat should be quiet and inexpressive, 
matching the dress as nearly as possible. . In stormy 
weather a large waterproof with hood is more conven- 
ient and less troublesome than an umbrella. The 
morning dress for visiting or breakfasting in public 
may be in winter of woolen goods, simply made and 
quietly trimmed, and in summer, of cambric, pique, 
marseilles or other wash goods, either white or fig- 
ured. For morning wear at home the dress may be 
still simpler. The hair should be plainly arranged 
without ornament. 

The Promenade Dress. 

The dress for the promenade should be in perfect 
harmony with itself. All the colors worn should 
harmonize if they are not strictly identical. The 
bonnet should not be of one color, the parasol of 
another, the dress of a third and the gloves of a 
fourth. Nor should one article be new and another 
shabby. The collars and cuffs should be of lace; the 
kid gloves should be selected to harmonize with the 
color of the dress, and a perfect fit. The jewelry 
worn should be bracelets, cuff-buttons, plain gold ear- 
rings, a watch chain and brooch. 



DRESS. 323 

Opera Dress. 

Opera dress for matinees may be as elegant as for 
morning calls. A bonnet is always worn even by those 
who occupy boxes, but it may be as dressy as one 
chooses to make it. In the evening, ladies are at 
liberty to wear evening dresses, with ornaments in 
their hair, instead of a bonnet, and as the effect of 
light colors is much better than dark in a well-lighted 
opera house, they should predominate. 

The Riding Dress. 

A lady's dressing habit should fit perfectly with- 
out being tight. The skirt must be full, and long 
enough to cover the feet, but not of extreme length. 
The boots must be stout and the gloves gauntleted. 
Broadcloth is regarded as the more dressy cloth, 
though waterproof is the more serviceable. Something 
lighter may be worn for summer, and in the lighter 
costumes a row of shot must be stitched at the bot- 
tom of the breadths of the left side to prevent the 
skirts from being blown by the wind. The riding 
dress is made to fit the waist closely, and button 
nearly to the throat. Above a small collar or reverse 
of the waist is shown a plain linen collar, fastened at 
the throat with a bright or black necktie. Coat 
sleeves should come to the wrist with linen cuffs 
beneath them. No lace or embroidery is allowable in 
a riding costume. It is well to have the waist attached 
to a skirt of the usual length, and the long skirt 
fastened over it, so that if any accident occur oblig- 



324 DRESS. 

ing the lady to dismount, she may easily remove the 
long overskirt and still be properly dressed. 

The hair should be put up compactly, and no 
veil should be allowed to stream in the wind. The 
shape of the hat will vary with the fashion, but it 
should always be plainly trimmed, and if feathers 
are worn they must be fastened so that the wind 
cannot blow them over the wearer's eyes. 

A Walking Suit. 

The material for a walking suit may be either 
rich or plain to suit the taste and means of the 
wearer. It should always be well made and never 
appear shabby. Bright colors appear best only as 
trimmings. Black has generally been adopted for 
street dresses, as the most becoming. For the coun- 
try, walking dresses are made tasteful, solid and strong, 
more for service than display, and what would be 
perfectly appropriate for the streets of a city would 
be entirely out of place on the muddy, unpaved 
walks of a small town or in a country neighborhood. 
The walking or promenade dress is always made 
short enough to clear the ground. Thick boots are 
worn with the walking suit. 

Dress for Ladies of Business. 

For women who are engaged in some daily em- 
ployment such as teachers, saleswomen and those 
who are occupied in literature, art or business of 
some sort, the dress should be somewhat different 



DRESS. 325 

from the ordinary walking costume. Its material 
should be more serviceable, better fitted to endure the 
vicissitudes of the weather, and of quiet colors, such 
as- brown, or gray, and not easily soiled. While the 
costume should not be of the simplest nature, it should 
dispense with all superfluities in the way of trim- 
ming. It should be made with special reference to a 
free use of the arms, and to easy locomotion. Linen 
cuffs and collars are best suited to this kind of dress, 
gloves which can be easily removed, street walking 
boots, and for jewelry, plain cuff-buttons, brooch and 
watch chain. The hat or bonnet should be neat and 
tasty, with but few flowers or feathers. For winter 
wear, waterproof, tastefully made up is the best material 
for a business woman's outer garment. 

Ordinary Evening Dress. 

The ordinary evening house dress should be taste- 
ful and becoming, with a certain amount of ornament, 
and worn with jewelry. Silks are the most appro- 
priate for this dress, but all the heavy woolen dress 
fabrics for winter, and the lighter lawns and organdies 
for summer, elegantly made, are suitable. For winter, 
the colors should be rich and warm, and knots of 
bright ribbon of a becoming color, should be worn at 
the throat and in the hair. The latter should be 
plainly dressed. Artificial flowers and diamonds are 
out of place. This is both a suitable dress in which 
to receive or make a casual evening call. If a hood 
is worn, it must be removed during the call. Other- 
wise a full dress bonnet must be worn. 



326 DRESS. 

Dress for Social Party, 

For the social evening party, more latitude is 
allowed in the choice of colors, material, trimmings, 
etc., than for the ordinary evening dress. Dresses 
should cover the arms and shoulders; but if cut low 
in the neck, and with short sleeves, puffed illusion 
waists or some similar device should be employed to 
cover the neck and arms. Gloves may or may not 
be worn, but if they are they should be of some 
light color. 

Dress for Church. 

The dress for church should be plain, of dark 
quiet colors, with no superfluous trimming or jewelry. 
It should, in fact, be the plainest of promenade 
dresses, as church is not the place for display of fine 
clothes. 

The Dress for the Theatre, 

The promenade dress with the addition of a hand- 
some cloak or shawl, which may be thrown aside if 
it is uncomfortable, is suitable for a theatre. The 
dress should be quiet and plain without any attempt 
at display. Either a bonnet or hat may be worn. 
Gloves should be dark, harmonizing with the dress. 

Dress for Lecture and Concert. 

For the lecture or concert, silk is an appropriate 
dress, and should be worn with lace collars and cuffs 
and jewelry. A rich shawl or velvet promenade 
cloak, or opera cloak for a concert is an appropriate 



DRESS. 327 

outer garment. The latter may or may not be kept, 
on the shoulders during the evening. White or light 
kid gloves should be worn. 

Croquet, Archery and Skating Costumes. 

Croquet and archery costumes may be similar, 
and they admit of more brilliancy in coloring 
than any of the out-of-door costumes. They should 
be short, displaying a handsomely fitting but stout 
boot, and should be so arranged as to leave the arms 
perfectly free. The gloves should be soft and washa- 
ble. Kid is not suitable for either occasion. The hat 
should have a broad brim, so as to shield the face 
from the sun, and render a parasol unnecessary. 
The trimming for archery costumes is usually of 
green. 

An elegant skating costume may be of velvet, 
trimmed with fur, with fur bordered gloves and 
boots. Any of the warm, bright colored wool fabrics, 
however, are suitable for the dress. If blue or green 
are worn, they should be relieved with trimmings of 
dark furs. Silk is not suitable for a skating costume. 
To avoid suffering from cold feet, the boot should be 
amply loose. 

Bathing Costume. 

Flannel is the best material for a bathing costume, 
and gray is regarded as the most suitable color. It 
may be trimmed with bright worsted braid. The 
best form is the loose sacque, or the yoke waist, both 



328 DRESS. 

of them to be belted in, and falling about midway 
between the knee and ankle ; full trousers, gathered 
into a band at the ankle ; an oilskin cap to protect 
the hair from the water, and merino socks to match 
the dress, complete the costume. 

Traveling Dress. 

Comfort and protection from dust and dirt are the 
requirements of a traveling dress. When a lady is 
about making an extensive journey, a traveling suit is 
a great convenience, but for a short journey, a large 
linen overdress or duster may be put on over the 
ordinary dress in summer, and in winter a waterproof 
cloak may be used in the same way. For traveling 
costumes a variety of materials may be used, of soft, 
neutral tints, and smooth surface which does not retain 
the dust. These should be made up plainly and quite 
short. The underskirts should be colored,- woolen in 
winter and linen in summer. The hat or bonnet must 
be plainly trimmed and completely protected by a 
large veil. Velvet is unfit for a traveling hat, as it 
catches and retains the dust ; collars and cuffs of 
plain linen. The hair should be put up in the plain- 
est manner. A waterproof and warm woolen shawl 
are indispensable and may be rolled in a shawl strap 
when not needed. A satchel should be carried, in 
which may be kept a change of collars, cuffs, gloves, 
handkerchiefs, toilet articles and towels. A traveling 
dress should be well supplied with pockets. The 
waterproof should have large pockets, and there should 



DRESS. 329 

be one in the underskirt in which to carry such 

money and valuables as are not needed for immediate 

use. 

The Wedding Dress. 

A full bridal costume should be white from head 
to foot. The dress may be of silk, heavily corded, 
moire antique, satin or plain silk, merino, alpaca, 
crape, lawn or muslin. The veil may be of lace, tulle 
or illusion, but it must be long and full. It may or 
may not descend over the face. Orange blossoms or 
other white flowers and maiden blush roses should 
form the bridal wreath and bouquet. The dress is 
high, and the arms covered. Slippers of white satin 
and white kid gloves complete the dress. 

The dress of the bridegroom and ushers is given 
in the chapter treating of the etiquette of weddings. 

Dress of Bridemaids. 

The dresses of bridemaids are not so elaborate as 
that of the bride. They should also be of white, but 
may be trimmed with delicately colored flowers and 
ribbons. White tulle, worn over pale pink or blue 
silk and caught up with blush roses or forget-me-nots, 
with bouquet de corsage and hand bouquet of the same^ 
makes a beautiful costume for the bridemaids. The 
latter may or may not wear veils, but if they do, they 
should be shorter than that of the bride. 

Traveling Dress of a Bride. 
This should be of silk, or any of the fine fabrics 



330 DRESS. 

for walking dresses; should be of some neutral tint; 
and bonnet and gloves should match in color. It 
may be more elaborately trimmed than an ordinary 
traveling dress, but if the bride wishes to attract as 
little attention as possible, she will not make herself 
conspicuous by a too showy dress. In private wed- 
dings the bride is sometimes married in traveling- 
costume, and the bridal pair at once set out upon 
their journey. 

Dress at Wedding Receptions. 

At wedding receptions in the evening, guests should 
w T ear full evening dress. No one should attend in 
black or mourning dress, which should give place to 
grey or lavender. At a morning reception of the 
wedded couple, guests should wear the richest street 
costume with white gloves. 

Mourning. 

The people of the United States have settled upon 
no prescribed periods for the wearing of mourning 
garments. Some wear them long after their hearts 
have ceased to mourn. Where there is profound 
grief, no rules are needed, but where the sorrow is 
not so great, there is need of observance of fixed 
periods for wearing mourning. 

Deep mourning requires the heaviest black of 
serge, bombazine, lustreless alpaca, de-laine, merino . 
or similar heavily clinging material, with collar and 
cuffs of crape. Mourning garments should have little 



DEESS. 331 

or no trimming ; no flounces, ruffles or bows are 
allowable. If the dress is not made en suite, then a 
long or square shawl of barege or cashmere with crape 
border is worn. The bonnet is of black crape ; a hat 
is inadmissible. The veil is of crape or barege with 
heavy border ; black gloves and black-bordered hand- 
kerchief. In winter dark furs may be worn with the 
deepest mourning. Jewelry is strictly forbidden, and 
all pins, buckles, etc., must be of jet. Lustreless 
alpaca and black silk trimmed with crape may be 
worn in second mourning, with white collar and 
cuffs. The crape veil is laid aside for net or tulle, 
but the jet jewelry is still retained. A still less 
degree of mourning is indicated by black and white, 
purple and gray, or a combination of these colors. 
Crape is still retained in bonnet trimming, and crape 
flowers may be added. Light gray, white and black, 
and light shades of lilac indicate a slight mourning. 
Black lace bonnet, with white or violet flowers, super- 
cedes crape, and jet and gold jewelry is worn. 

Periods of Wearing Mourning. 

The following rules have been given by an authority 
competent to speak on these matters regarding the 
degree of mourning and the length of time it should 
be worn : 

" The deepest mourning is that worn by a widow 
for her husband. It is worn two years, sometimes 
longer. Widow's mourning for the first year consists 
of solid black woolen goods, collar and cuffs of folded 



332 DRESS. 

untrimmed crape, a simple crape bonnet, and a long, 
thick, black crape veil. The second year, silk trim- 
med with crape, black lace collar and cuffs, and a 
shorter veil may be worn, and in the last six months 
gray, violet and white are permitted. A widow should 
>wear the hair perfectly plain if she does not wear a 
cap, and should always wear a bonnet, never- a hat. 

" The mourning for a father or mother is worn for 
one year. The first six months the proper dress is 
of solid black woolen goods trimmed with crape, 
black crape bonnet with black crape facings and 
black strings, black crape veil, collar and cutis of 
black crape. Three months, black silk with crape 
trimming, white or black lace collar and cuffs, veil 
of tulle and white bonnet- facings ; and the last three 
months in gray, purple and violet. Mourning worn 
for a child is the same as that worn for a parent. 

"Mourning for a grandparent is worn for six 
months : three months black woolen goods, white collar 
and cuffs, short crape veil and bonnet of crape trim- 
med with black silk or ribbon ; six weeks in black 
silk trimmed with crape, lace collar and cuffs, short 
tulle veil ; and six weeks in gra}^, purple, white and 
violet. 

" Mourning worn for a friend who leaves you an 
inheritance, is the same as that worn for a grand- 
parent. 

" Mourning for a brother or sister is worn six 
months; two months in solid black trimmed with crape, 
white linen collar and cuffs, bonnet of black with 



DRESS. 333 

white facing and black strings; two months in black 
silk, with white lace collar and cuffs ; and two months 
in gray, purple, white and violet. 

" Mourning for an uncle or aunt is worn for three 
months, and is the second mourning named above, 
tulle, white linen and white bonnet facings being 
worn at once. For a nephew or niece, the same is 
worn for the same length of time. 

"The deepest mourning excludes kid gloves; they 
should be of cloth, silk or thread ; and no jewelry is 
permitted during the first month of close mourning. 
Embroidery, jet trimmings, puffs, plaits — in fact, trim- 
ming of any kind — is forbidden in deep mourning, 
but worn when it is lightened. 

" Mourning handkerchiefs should be of very sheer 
fine linen, with a border of black, very wide for close 
mourning, narrower as the black is lightened. 

" Mourning silks should be perfectly lustreless, and 
the ribbons worn without any gloss. 

" Ladies invited to funeral ceremonies should 
always wear a black dress, even if they are not in 
mourning; and it is bad taste to appear with a gay 
bonnet or shawl, as if for a festive occasion. 

" The mourning for children under twelve years of 
age is white in summer and gray in winter, with 
black trimmings, belt, sleeve-ruffles and bonnet rib- 
bons." 
22 




CHAPTER XXXI. 

]|ai}mrMij dj Sdfors its J)rm* 

,HE selection and proper arrangement of colors, 
so that they will produce the most pleasing 
harmony, is one of the most desirable re- 
quisites in dress. Sir Joshua Reynolds says r 
" Color is the last attainment of excellence in every 
school of painting." The same may also be said in 
regard to the art of using colors in dress. Neverthe- 
less, it is the first thing to which we should give our 
attention and study. 

We put bright colors upon our little children; we 
dress our young girls in light and delicate shades ; the 
blooming matron is justified in adopting the warm, 
rich hues which we see in the autumn leaf, while 
black and neutral tints are declared appropriate to 
the old. 

One color should predominate in the dress ; and if 
another is adopted, it should be in a limited quantity 
and only by way of contrast or harmony. Some 
colors may never, under any circumstances, be worn 
together, because they produce positive discord to the 
eye. If the dress be blue, red should never be intro- 

(334) 



HARMONY OF COLORS IN DRESS. 335 

duced by way of trimming, or vice versa. Red and 
blue, red and yellow, blue and yellow, and scarlet and 
crimson may never be united in the same costume. 
If the dress be red, green may be introduced in a 
minute quantity; if blue, orange; if green, crimson. 
Scarlet and solferino are deadly enemies, each killing 
the other whenever they meet. 

Two contrasting colors, such as red and green, may 
not be used in equal quantities in the dress, as they 
are both so positive in tone that they divide and 
distract the attention. When two colors are worn in 
any quantity, one must approach a neutral tint, such 
as gray or drab. Black may be worn with any color, 
though it looks best with the lighter shades of the 
different colors. White may also be worn with any 
color, though it looks best with the darker tones. 
Thus white and crimson, black and pink, each con- 
trast better and have a richer effect than though the 
black were united with the crimson and the white 
with the pink. Drab, being a shade of no color 
between black and white, may be worn with equal 
effect with all. 

A person of very fair, delicate complexion should 
always wear the most delicate of tints, such as light 
blue, mauve and pea-green. A brunette requires bright 
colors, such as scarlet and orange, to bring out the 
brilliant tints in her complexion. A florid face and 
auburn hair call for blue. 

Black hair has its color and depth enhanced by 
scarlet, orange or white, and will bear diamonds, 
pearls or lustreless gold. 



336 HARMONY OF COLORS W DRESS. 

Dark-brown hair will bear light blue, or dark blue 
in a lesser quantity. 

If the hair has no richness of coloring, a pale 
yellowish green will by reflection produce the lacking 
warm tint. 

Light-brown hair requires blue, which sets off to 
advantage the golden tint. 

Pure golden or yellow hair needs blue, and its 
beauty is also increased by the addition of pearls or 
white flowers. 

Auburn hair, if verging on the red, needs scarlet 
to tone it down. If of a golden red, blue, green, purple 
or black will bring out the richness of its tints. 

Flaxen hair requires blue. 

Material for Dress. 

The material for dress must be selected with ref- 
erence to the purpose which it is to serve. No one 
buys a yellow satin dress for the promenade, yet a 
yellow satin seen by gaslight js beautiful as an eve- 
ning-dress. Neither would one buy a heavy serge of 
neutral tint for an opera-dress. 

Size in Relation to Dress and Colors. 

A small person may dress in light colors which 
would be simply ridiculous on a person of larger pro- 
portions. So a lady of majestic appearance should 
never wear white, but will be seen to the best advan- 
tage in black or dark tints. A lady of diminutive 
stature is dressed in bad taste when she appep.rs in a 



HARMONY OF COLORS IN DRESS. 337 

garment with large figures, plaids or stripes. Neither 
should a lady of large proportions be seen in similar 
garments, because, united with her size, they give her 
a " loud " appearance. Indeed, pronounced figures 
and broad stripes and plaids are never in perfect taste; 

Heavy, rich materials suit a tall figure, while light, 
full draperies should only be worn by those of slen- 
der proportions and not too short. The very short 
and stout must be content with meagre drapery and 
quiet colors. 

Tall and slim persons should avoid stripes, short, 
chunky ones flounces or any horizontal trimming of 
the dress which, by breaking the outline from the 
waist to the feet, produces an effect of shortening. 

How Colors Harmonize. 

Colors may form a harmony either by contrast or 
by analogy. When two remote shades of one color 
are associated, such as a very light blue and a very 
dark blue, they harmonize by contrast, though the 
harmony may be neither striking nor perfect. When 
two colors which are similar to each other are grouped, 
such as orange and scarlet, crimson and orange, they 
harmonize by analogy. A harmony of contrast is 
characterized by brilliancy and decision, and a har- 
mony of analogy by a quiet and pleasing association 
of colors. 

When a color is chosen which is favorable to the 
complexion, it is well to associate with it, tints which 
will harmonize by analogy, as to use contrasting colors 



338 HARMONY OF COLOBS IN DBESS. 

would diminish its favorable effect. When a color is 
used in dress, not suitable to the complexion, it 
should be associated with contrasting colors, as they 
have the power to neutralize its objectionable influence. 

Colors of similar power which contrast with each 
other, mutually intensify each other's brilliancy, as 
blue and orange, scarlet and green ; but dark and light 
colors associated do not intensify each other to the 
same degree, the dark appearing darker, and the light 
appearing lighter, as dark blue and straw color. Colors 
which harmonize . with each other by analogy, reduce 
each other's brilliancy to a greater or less degree, as 
white and yellow, blue and purple, black and brown. 

The various shades of purple and lilac, dark blues 
and dark greens, lose much of their brilliancy by gas- 
light, while orange, scarlet, crimson, the light browns 
and light greens, gain brilliancy by a strong artificial 
light. 

Below the reader will find a list of colors that 
harmonize, forming most agreeable combinations, in 
which are included all the latest and most fashionable 
shades and colors : 

Black and pink. 

Black and lilac. 

Black and scarlet. 

Black and maize. 

Black and slate color. 

Black and orange, a rich harmony. 

Black and white, a perfect harmony. 

Black and brown, a dull harmony. 

Black and drab or buff. 

Black, white or yellow and crimson. 



HARMONY OF COLORS IN DRESS. 

Black, orange, blue and scarlet. 

Black and chocolate brown. 

Black and shaded cardinal. 

Black and cardinal. 

Black, yellow, bronze and light blue. 

Black, cardinal, blue and old gold. 

Blue and brown. 

Blue and black. 

Blue and gold, a rich harmony. 

Blue and orange, a perfect harmony. 

Blue and chestnut (or chocolate). 

Blue and maize. 

Blue and straw color. 

Blue and white. 

Blue and fawn color, weak harmony. 

Blue and stone color. 

Blue and drab. 

Blue and lilac, weak harmony. 

Blue and crimson, imperfectly. 

Blue and pink, poor harmony. 

Blue and salmon color. 

Blue, scarlet and purple (or lilac). 

Blue, orange and black. 

Blue, orange and green. 

Blue, brown, crimson and gold (or yellow). 

Blue, orange, black and white. 

Blue, pink and bronze green. 

Blue, cardinal and old gold. 

Blue, yellow, chocolate-brown and gold. 

Blue, mulberry and yellow. 

Bronze and old gold. 

Bronze, pink and light blue. 

Bronze, black, bine, pink and gold. 

Bronze, cardinal and peacock blue. 

Brown, blue, green, cardinal and yellow. 

Brown, yellow, cardinal and peacock blue. 

Crimson and gold, rich harmony. 

Crimson and orange, rich harmony. 

Crimson and brown, dull harmony. 



340 HARMONY OF COLORS IN DRESS. 

Crimson and black, dull harmony. 

Crimson and drab. 

Crimson and maize. 

Crimson and purple. 

Cardinal and old gold. 

Cardinal, brown and black. 

Cardinal and navy blue. 

Chocolate, blue, pink and gold. 

Claret and old gold. 

Dark green, white and cardinal. 

Ecrue, bronze and peacock. 

Ecrue and light blue. 

Garnet, bronze and pink. 

Gensd'arme and cardinal. 

Gensd'arme and bronze. 

Gensd'arme and myrtle. 

.Gensd'arme and old gold. 

Gensd'arme, yellow and cardinal. 

Gensd'arme, pink, cardinal and lavender. 

Green and gold, or gold color. 

Green and scarlet. 

Green and orange. 

Green and yellow. 

Green, crimson, blue and gold, or yellow. 

Green, blue and scarlet. 

Green, gold ar.d mulberry. 

Gold and cardinal. 

Lilac and white, poor. 

Lilac and gray, poor. 

Lilac and maize. 

Lilac and cherry. 

Lilac and gold, or gold color. 

Lilac and scarlet. 

Lilac and crimson. 

Lilac, scarlet and white or black. 

Lilac, gold color and crimson. 

Lilac, yellow or gold, scarlet and white. 

Light pink and garnet. 

Light drab, pink, yellow and white. 



HARMONY OF COLORS IN DRESS. 341 

Myrtle and old gold. 

Myrtle and bronze. 

Myrtle, red. blue and yellow. 

Myrtle, mulberry, cardinal, gold and light green. 

Mulberry and old gold. 

Mulberry and gold. 

Mulberry and bronze. 

Mulberry, bronze and gold- 

Mulberry and pearl. 

Mode, pearl and mulberry. 

Maroon, yellow, silvery gray and light green. 

Navy blue, light blue and gold. 

Navy blue, gensd'arme and pearl. 

Navy blue, maize, cardinal and yellow. 

Orange and bronze, agreeable. 

Orange and chestnut. 

Orange, lilac and crimson. 

Orange, red and green. 

Orange, purple and scarlet. 

Orange, blue, scarlet and purple. 

Orange, blue, scarlet and claret. 

Orange, blue, scarlet, white and green. 

Orange, blue and crimson. 

Pearl, light blue and peacock blue. 

Peacock blue and light gold. 

Peacock blue and old gold. 

Peacock blue and cardinal. 

Peacock blue, pearl, gold and cardinal. 

Purple and maize. 

Purple and blue. 

Purple and gold, or gold color, rich. 

Purple and orange, rich. 

Purple and black, heavy. 

Purple and white, cold. 

Purple, scarlet and gold color. 

Purple, scarlet and white 

Purple, scarlet, blue and orange. 

Purple, scarlet, blue, yellow and black. 

Red and white, or gray. 



342 HARMONY OF COLORS IN DRESS. 

Red and gold, or gold color. 

Red, orange and green. 

Red, yellow r gold color and black. 

Red, gold color, black and white. 

Seal brown, gold and cardinal. 

Sapphire and bronze. ' 

Sapphire and old gold. 

Sapphire and cardinal. 

Sapphire and light blue. 

Sapphire and light pink. 

Sapphire and corn. 

Sapphire and garnet. 

Sapphire and mulberry. 

Shaded blue and black. 

Scarlet and blue. 

Scarlet and slate color. 

Scarlet and orange. 

Scarlet, blue and white. 

Scarlet, blue and yellow. 

Scarlet, black and white. 

Scarlet, blue, black and yellow. 

Shaded blue, shaded garnet and shaded gold. 

Shaded blue and black. 

White and cherry. 

White and crimson. 

White and brown. 

White and pink. 

White and scarlet. 

White and gold color, poor. 

Yellow and black. 

Yellow and brown. 

Yellow and red. 

Yellow and chestnut or chocolate. 

Yellow and white, poor. 

Yellow and purple, agreeable. 

Yellow, and violet. 

Yellow and lilac, weak. 

Yellow and blue, cold. 

Yellow and crimson. 



HARMONY OF COLORS IN DRESS. 343 

Yellow, purple and crimson. 
Yellow, purple, scarlet and blue. 
Yellow, cardinal and peacock blue. 
Yellow, pink, maroon and light blue. 
Yellow, pink, maroon and black. 



CHAPTER XXXII 



ifc I«8^ 




|0 appear at all times neat, clean and tidy, is 
demanded of every well-bred person. The 
dress may be plain, rich or extra vagent, but 
there must be a neatness and cleanliness of 
the person. Whether a lady is possessed of few or 
many personal attractions, it is her duty at all times 
to appear tidy and clean, and to make herself as 
comely and attractive as circumstances and surround- 
ings will permit. The same may be said of a gentle- 
man. If a gentleman calls upon a lady, his duty and 
his respect for her alike demand that he shall appear 
not only in good clothes, but with well combed hair, 
exquisitely clean hands, well trimmed beard or cleanly 
shaven face, while the ladv will not show herself in 
an untidy dress, or disheveled hair. Each should 
appear at their best. 

Upon the minor details of the toilet depend, in a 
great degree, the health, not to say the beauty of the 
individual. In fact the highest state of health is 
equivalent to the greatest degree of beauty of which 

the individual is capable. 

(344) 



THE TOILET. 345 

Perfumes. 

Perfumes, if used at all, should be used in the 
strictest moderation, and be of the most recherche kind. 
Musk and patchouli should always be avoided, as to 
many people of sensitive temperament their odor is 
exceedingly disagreeable. Cologne water of the best 
quality is never offensive. 

The Bath. 

Cleanliness is the outward sign of inward purity. 
Cleanliness of the person is health, and health is 
beauty. The bath is consequently a very important 
means of preserving the health and enhancing the 
beauty. It is not to be supposed that we bathe simply 
to become clean, but because we wish to remain clean 
Cold water refreshes and invigorates, but does not 
cleanse, and persons who daily use a sponge bath in 
the morning, should frequently use a warm one, of 
from 96 to 100 degrees Farenheit, for cleansing pur- 
poses. When a plunge bath is taken, the safest tem- 
perature is from 80 to 90 degrees, which answers the 
purpose of both cleansing and refreshing. Soap should 
be plentifully used, and the flesh-brush applied vigor- 
ously, drying with a coarse Turkish towel. Nothing- 
improves the complexion like the daily use of the 
flesh-brush, with early rising and exercise in the open 
air. 

In many houses, in large cities, there is a separate 
bath-room, with hot and cold water, but in smaller 
places and country houses this convenience is not to 



346 THE TOILET. 

be found. A substittue for the bath-room is a large 
piece of oil-cloth, which can be laid upon the floor of 
an ordinary dressing-room. Upon this may be placed 
the bath tub or basin, or a person may use it to 
stand upon while taking a sponge bath. The various 
kinds of baths, both hot and cold, are the shower 
bath, the douche, the hip bath and the sponge bath. 

The shower bath can only be endured by the 
most vigorous constitutions, and therefore cannot be 
recommended for indiscriminate use. 

A douche or hip bath may be tak>en every morn- 
ing, with the temperature of the water suited to the 
endurance of the individual. In summer a sponge 
bath may be taken upon retiring. Once a week a warm 
bath, at from 90 to 100 degrees, may be taken, with 
plenty of soap, in order to thoroughly cleanse the 
pores of the skin. Rough towels should be vigor- 
ously used after these baths, not only to remove 
the impurities of the skin, but for the beneficial friction 
which will send a glow over the whole body. The 
hair glove or flesh brush may be used to advantage 
in the bath before the towel is applied. 

The Teeth. 

The teeth should be carefully brushed with a hard 
brush after each meal, and also on retiring at night. 
Use the brush so that not only the outside of the 
teeth becomes white, but the inside also. After the 
brush is used plunge it two or three times into a 
glass of water, then rub it quite dry on a towel. 



THE TOILET. 347 

Use tooth-washes or powders very sparingly. Castile 
soap used once a day, with frequent, brushings with 
pure water and a brush, cannot fail to keep the teeth 
clean and white, unless they are disfigured and 
destroyed by other bad habits, such as the use of. 
tobacco, or too hot or too cold drinks. 

Decayed Teeth. 

On the slightest appearance of decay or tendency 

to accumulate tartar, go at once to a dentist. If a 

dark spot appearing under the enamel is neglected, it 

will eat in until the tooth is evidently destroyed. A 

dentist seeing the tooth in its first stage, will remove 

the decayed part and plug the cavity in a proper 

manner. 

Tartar on the Teeth. 

Tartar is not so easily dealt with, but it requires 
equally early attention. It results from an impaired 
state of the general health, and assumes the form of 
a yellowish concretion on the teeth and gums. At 
first it is possible to keep it down by a repeated and 
vigorous use of the tooth brush ; but if a firm, solid 
mass accumulates, it is necessary to have it chipped 
off by a dentist. Unfortunately, too, by that time it 
will probably have begun to loosen and destroy vthe 
teeth on which it fixes, and is pretty certain to have 
pronuced one obnoxious effect — that of tainting the 
breath. Washing the teeth with vinegar when the 
brush is used has been recommended as a means of 
removing tartar. 



348 THE TOILET. 

Tenderness of the gums, to which some persons 

are subject, may sometimes be met by the use of salt 

and water, but it is well to rinse the mouth frequently 

with water with a few drops of tincture of myrrh 

in it. 

Foul Breath. 

Foul breath, unless caused by neglected teeth, 
indicates a deranged state of the system. When it is 
occasioned by the teeth or other local cause, use a 
gargle consisting of a spoonful of solution of chloride 
of lime in half a tumbler of water. Gentlemen smok- 
ing, and thus tainting the breath, may be glad to 
know that the common parsley has a peculiar effect 
in removing the odor of tobacco. 

The Skin. 

Beauty and health of the skin can only be ob- 
tained by perfect cleanliness of the entire person, an 
avoidance of all cosmetics, added to proper diet, cor- 
rect habits and early habits of rising and exercise. 
The skin must be thoroughly washed, occasional^ 
with warm water and soap, to remove the oily exu- 
dations upon its surface. If any unpleasant sensations 
are experienced after the use of soap, they may be 
immediately removed by rinsing the surface with 
water to which a little lemon-juice or vinegar has 
been added. 

Preserving a Youthful Complexion. 
The following rules may be given for the preserva- 



THE TOILET. 349 

tion of a youthful complexion : Rise early and go to 
bed early. Take plenty of exercise. Use plenty of 
cold water and good soap frequently. Be moderate 
in eating and drinking. Do not lace. Avoid as much 
as possible the vitiated atmosphere of crowded assem- 
blies. Shun cosmetics and washes for the skin. The 
latter dry the skin, and only defeat the end they are 
supposed to have in view. 

Moles. 

Moles are frequently a great disfigurement to the 
face, but they should not be tampered with in any 
way. The only safe and certain mode of getting rid 
of moles is by a surgical operation. 

Freckles. 

Freckles are of two kinds. Those occasioned by 
exposure to the sunshine, and consequently evanes- 
cent, are denominated "summer freckles;" those which 
are constitutional and permanent are called " cold 
freckles." With regard to the latter, it is impossible 
to give an}' advice which will be of value. They 
result from causes not to be affected by mere external, 
applications. Summer freckles are not so difficult to 
deal with, and with a little care the skin may be 
kept free from this cause of disfigurement. Some 
skins are so delicate that they become freckled on 
the slightest expose in the open air of summer. The 
cause assigned for this is that the iron in the blood, 
forming a junction with the oxygen, leaves a rusty 
23 



350 THE TOILET. 

mark where the junction takes place. We give in 
their appropriate places some recipes for removing 
these latter freckles from the face. 

Other Discolorations. 

There are various other discolorations of the skin, 
proceeding frequently from derangement of the sys- 
tem. The cause should alwa}^s be discovered before 
attempting a remedy ; otherwise you may aggravate 
the complaint rather than cure it. 

The Eyes, 

Beautiful eyes are the gift of Nature, and can owe 
little to the toilet. As in the eye consists much of 
the expression of the face, therefore it should be 
borne in mind that those who would have their eyes 
bear a pleasing expression must cultivate pleasing 
traits of character and beautify the , soul, and then 
this beautiful soul will look through its natural 
windows. 

Never tamper with the eyes. There is danger of 
destroying them. All daubing or dyeing of the lids 
is foolish and vulgar. - 

Short-Sighted ness. 

Short-sightedness is not always a natural defect. 
It may be acquired by bad habits in youth. A short- 
sighted person should supply himself with glasses 
exactly adapted to his wants; but it is well not to 
use these glasses too constantly, as, even when they 



THE TOILET. 351 

perfectly fit the eye, they really tend to shorten the 
sight. Unless one is very short-sighted, it is best to 
keep the glasses for occasional use, and trust ordi- 
narily to the unaided eye. Parents and teachers 
should watch their children and see that they do not 
acquire the habit of holding their books too close to 
their eyes, and thus injure their sight. 

Squint-eyes and Cross-eyes. 

Parents should also be careful that their children 
do not become squint- or cross-eyed through any 
carelessness. A child's hair hanging down loosely 
over its eyes, or a bonnet projecting too far over 
them, or a loose ribbon or tape fluttering over the 
forehead, is sometimes sufficient to direct the sight 
irregularly until it becomes permanently crossed. 

The Eyelashes and Eyebrows. 

A beautiful eyelash is an important adjunct to the 
eye. The lashes may be lengthened by trimming 
them occasionally in childhood. Care should be 
taken that this trimming is done neatly and evenly, 
and especially that the points of the scissors do not 
penetrate the eye. The eyebrows may be brushed 
carefully in the direction which they should lie. In 
general, it is in exceeding bad taste to dye either 
lashes or brows, for it usually brings them into dis- 
harmony with the hair and features. There are cases, 
however, when the beauty of an otherwise fine coun- 
tenance is utterly ruined by white lashes and brows. 



352 THE TOILET. 

In such cases one can hardly be blamed if india ink 
is resorted to give them the desired color. Never 
shave the brows. It adds to their beauty in no way, 
and may result in an irregular growth of new hair. 

Take Care op the Eyes. 

The utmost care should be taken of the eyes. 
They should never be strained in an imperfect light,, 
whether that of shrouded daylight, twilight or flicker- 
ing lamp- or candle-light. Many persons have an idea 
that a habitually dark room is best for the eyes. On 
the contrary, it weakens them and renders them per- 
manently unable to bear the light of the sun. Our 
eyes were naturally designed to endure the broad 
light of day, and the nearer we approach to this in 
our' houses, the stronger will be our eyes and the 
longer will we retain our sight. 

Eyebrows Meeting. 

Some persons have the eyebrows meeting over the 
nose. This is usually considered a disfigurement, but 
there is no remedy for it. It may be a consolation 
for such people to know that the ancients admired 
this style of eyebrows, and that Michael Angelo pos- 
sessed it. It is useless to pluck out the uniting hairs ; 
and if a depilatory is applied, a mark like that of a 
scar left from a burn remains, and is more disfiguring 

than the hair. 

Inflamed Eyes. 

If the lids of the eyes become inflamed and scaly. 



THE TOILET. 350 

h1<> not seek to remove the scales roughly, for they 
will bring the lashes with them. Apply at night a 
little cold cream to the edges of the closed eyelids, 
and wash them in the morning with lukewarm milk 
.and water. It is well to have on the toilet- table a 
remedy for inflamed eyes. Spermaceti ointment is 
simple and well adapted to this purpose. Apply at 
night, and wash off with rose-water in the morning. 
There is a' simple lotion made by dissolving a very 
small piece of alum and a piece of lump-sugar of the 
same size in a quart of water; put the ingredients 
into the water cold and let them simmer. Bathe the- 
eyes frequently with it. 

The Sty, 

A sty in the eye is irritating and disfiguring. 
Bathe with warm water; at night apply a bread- 
and-milk poultice. When a white head forms, prick 
it with a fine needle. Should the inflammation be 
obstinate, a little citrine ointment may be applied, 
oare being taken that it does not get into the eye. 

The Hair. 

There is nothing that so adds to the charm of an 
individual, especially a lady, as a good head of hair. 
The skin of the head requires even more tenderness 
and cleanliness than any other portion of the body, 
and is capable of being irritated by disease. The 
hair should be brushed carefully. The brush should 
he of moderate hardness, not too hard. The hair 



354 THE TOILET. 

should be separated, in order that the head itself 
may be well brushed, as by doing so the scurf is 
removed, and that is most essential, as it is not only 
unpleasant and unsightly, but if suffered to remain it 
becomes saturated with perspiration, and tends to 
weaken the roots of the hair, so that it is easily 
pulled out. In brushing or combing, begin at the 
extreme points, and in combing, hold the portion of hair 
just above that through which the comb is passing 
firmly between the first and second fingers, so that if 
it is entangled it may drag from that point, and not 
from the roots. The finest head of hair may be 
spoiled by the practice of plunging the comb into it 
high up and dragging it in a reckless manner. Short, 
loose, broken hairs are thus created, and become very 
troublesome. 

The Use of Hair Oils, 

Do not plaster the hair with oil or pomatum. . A 
white, concrete oil pertains naturally to the covering 
of the human head, but some persons have it in more 
abundance than others. Those whose hair is glossy 
and shining need nothing to render it so; but when 
the hair is harsh, poor and dry, artificial lubrication 
is necessary. Persons who perspire freely or who 
accumulate scurf rapidly require it also. Nothing is 
simpler or better in the way of oil than pure, un- 
scented salad oil, and in the way of a pomatum, 
bear's grease is as pleasant as anything. Apply either 
with the hands, or keep a soft brush for the purpose, 



THE TOILET. 355 

but take care not to use the oil too freely. An over- 
oiled head of hair is vulgar and offensive. So are 
scents of any kind in the oil applied to the hair. It 
is well also to keep, a piece of flannel with which 
to rub the hair at night after brushing it, in order 
to remove the oil before laying the head upon the 
pillow. 

Vinegar and water form a good wash for the roots 
of the hair. Ammonia diluted with water is still 
better. 

The hair-brush should be frequently washed in 
diluted ammonia. 

For removing scurf, glycerine diluted with a little 
rose-water will be found of service. Any preparation 
of rosemary forms an agreeable and highly cleansing- 
wash. The yolk of an egg beaten up in warm water 
is an excellent application to the scalp. Many heads 
of hair require nothing more in the way of wash than 
soap and water. Beware of letting the hair grow too 
long, as the points are apt to weaken and split. It 
is well to have the ends clipped off once a month. 

Young girls should wear their hair cut short until 

they are grown up if they would have it then in its 

best condition. 

Dyeing the Hair. 

A serious objection to dyeing the hair is that it is 
almost impossible to give the hair a tint which har- 
monizes with the complexion. If the hair begins to 
change early, and the color goes in patches, procure 
from the druggist's a preparation of the husk of the 



356 THE TOILET. 

walnut water or eau crayon. This will, by daily appli- 
cation, darken the tint of the hair without actually 
dyeing it. When the change of color has gone on to 
any great extent, it is better to. abandon the applica- 
tion and put up with the change, which, in nine cases 
out of ten, will be in accordance with the change of 
the face. Indeed, there is nothing more beautiful than 
soft, white hair worn in bands or clustering curls 
about the face. The walnut-water may be used for 
toning down too red hair. 

Baldness. 

Gentlemen are more liable to baldness than ladies, 
owing, no doubt, to the use of the close hat, which 
confines and overheats the head. If the hair is found 
to be falling out. the first thing to do is to look to 
the hat and see that it is light and thoroughly vent- 
ilated. There is no greater enemy to -the hair than 
the silk dress-hat. It is best to lay this hat aside 
altogether and adopt a light felt or straw in its 
place. 

Long, flowing hair on a man is not in good taste, 
and will indicate him to the observer as a person of 
unbalanced mind and unpleasantly erratic character — 
a man, in brief, who seeks to impress others with the 
fact that he is eccentric, something which a really 
eccentric person never attempts. 

The Beard. 
Those who shave should be careful to do so every 



THE TOILET. 357 

morning. Nothing looks worse than a shabby beard. 

Some persons whose beards are strong should shave 

twice a day, especially if they are going to a party in 

the evening. 

The style of the growth of the beard should be 

governed by the character of the face. But whatever 

the style be, the great point is to keep it well brushed 

and trimmed, and to avoid any appearance of wild- 

ness or inattention. The full, flowing beard of course 

requires more looking after in the way of cleanliness, 

than any other. It should be thoroughly washed and 

brushed at least twice a day, as dust is sure to 

accumulate in it, and it is very easy to suffer it to 

become objectionable to one's self as well as to others. 

If it is naturally glossy, it is better to avoid the use 

of oil or pomatum The moustache should be worn 

neatly and not over-large. There is nothing that so 

adds to native manliness as the full beard if carefully 

and neatly kept. 

The Hand. 

A beautiful hand is long and slender, with taper- 
ing ringers and pink, filbert-shaped nails. The hand 
to be in proper proportion to the rest of the body, 
should be as long as from the point of the chin to 
the edge of the hair on the forehead. 

The hands should be kept scrupulously clean, and 
therefore should be very frequently washed — not 
merely rinsed in soap and water, but thoroughly 
lathered, and scrubbed with a soft nail-brush. In 
cold weather the use of lukewarm water is unobjec- 



358 THE TOILET. 

tionable, after which the hands should be dipped 

into cold water and very carefully dried on a fine 

towel. 

Be careful always to dry the hands thoroughly, 

and rub them briskly for some time afterward. When 

this is not sufficiently attended to in cold weather, 

the hands chap and crack. When this occurs, rub 

a few drops of honey over them when dry, or annoint 

them with cold cream or glycerine before going to 

bed. 

Chapped Hands. 

As cold weather is the usual cause of chapped 
hands, so the winter season brings with it a cure for 
them. A thorough washing in snow and soap will 
cure the worst case of chapped hands, and leave them 
beautifully soft. 

To Make the Hands White and Delicate. 

Should you wish to make your hands white and 

delicate, you might wash them in milk and water for 

a day or two. On retiring to rest, rub them well 

over with some palm oil and put on a pair of woolen 

gloves. The hands should be thoroughly washed with 

hot water and soap the next morning, and a pair of 

soft leather gloves worn during the day. They should 

frequently be rubbed together to promote circulation. 

Sunburnt hands may be washed in lime-water or 

lemon-juice. 

Treatment of Warts. 

Warts, which are more common with young peo- 



THE TOILET. 359 

pie than with adults, are very unsightly, and are 
sometimes very difficult to get rid of. The best plan 
is to buy a small stick of lunar caustic, which is sold 
in a holder and case at the druggist's for the purpose t 
dip it in water, and touch the wart every morning 
and evening, care being taken to cut away the with- 
ered skin before repeating the operation. A still bet- 
ter plan is to apply acetic acid gently once a day 
with a camel's hair pencil to the summit of the wart. 
Care should be taken not to allow this acid to touch 
any of the surrounding skin ; to prevent this the 
ringer or hand at the base of the wart may be covered 
with wax during the operation. 

The Nails. 

Nothing is so repulsive as to see a lady or gentle- 
man, however well dressed they may otherwise be, 
with unclean nails. It always results from careless- 
ness and inattention to the minor details of the toilet, 
which is most reprehensible. The nails should be cut 
about once a week — certainly not often er. This should 
be accomplished just after washing, the nail being 
softer at such a time. Care should be taken not to 
cut them too short, though, if they are left too long,, 
they will frequently get torn and broken. They should 
be nicely rounded at the corners. Recollect, the 
filbert-shaped nail is considered the most beautiful. 
Never bite the nails; it not only is a most disagreea- 
ble habit, but tends to make the nails jagged, deformed 



360 THE TOILET. 

and difficult to clean, besides giving a red and stumpy 
appearance to the finger-tips. 

Some persons are troubled by the cuticle adhering 
to the nail as it grows. This may be pressed down 
by the towel after washing; or should that not prove 
efficacious, it must be loosened round the edge with 
some blunt instrument. On no account scrape the 
nails with a view to polishing their surface. Such an 
operation only tends to make them wrinkled. 

Absolute smallness of a hand is not essential to 
beauty, w T hich requires that the proper proportions 
should be observed in the human figure. With 
proper care the hand may be retained beautiful, soft 
and shapely, and yet perform its fair share of labor. 
The hands should always be protected by gloves 
when engaged in work calculated to injure them. 
Gloves are imperatively required for garden-work. 
The hands should always be washed carefully and 
dried - thoroughly after such labor. If they are 
roughened by soap, rinse them in a little vinegar 
or lemon-juice, and they will become soft and smooth 
at once. 

Eemedy for Moist Hands. 

People afflicted with moist hands should revolu- 
tionize their habits, take more out-door exercise and 
more frequent baths. They should adopt a nutritious 
but not over-stimulating diet, and perhaps take a tonic 
of some sort. Local applications of starch-powder and 
the juice of lemon may be used to advantage. 



THE TOILET. 361 



The Feet. 



A well formed foot is broad at the sole, the toes 
well spread, each separate toe perfect and rounded in 
form. The nails are regular and perfect in shape as 
those of the fingers. The second toe projects a little 
beyond the others, and the first or big toe stands 
slighly apart from the rest and is slightly lifted. The 
feet, from the circumstance of their being so much 
confined by boots and shoes, require more care in 
washing than the rest of the body. Yet they do not 
always get this care. The hands receive frequent 
washings every day. Once a week is quite as often 
as many people bestow the same attention upon their 
feet, A tepid bath at about 80 or 90 degrees, should 
be used. The feet may remain in the water about 
five minutes, and the instant they are taken out they 
should be rapidly and thoroughly dried by being well 
rubbed with a coarse towel. Sometimes bran is used 
in the water. Few things are more invigorating and 
refreshing after a long walk, or getting wet in the feet, 
than a tepid foot-bath, clean stockings and a pair of 
easy shoes. After the bath is the time for paring the 
toe-nails, as they are so much softer and more pliant 
after having been immersed in warm water. 

Treatment for Moist or Damp Feet. 

Some persons are troubled with moist or damp 
feet. This complaint arises more particularly during 
the hot weather in summer-time, and the greatest care 



362 THE TOILET. 

and cleanliness should be exercised in respect to it. 
Persons so afflicted should wash their feet twice a 
day in soap and warm water, after which they should 
put on clean socks. Should this fail to cure, they 
may, after being washed as above, be rinsed, and then 
thoroughly rubbed with a mixture consisting of half 
a pint of warm water and three tablespoonfuls of 
concentrated solution of chloride of soda. 

Blisters on the Feet. 

People who walk much are frequently afflicted 
with blisters. The best preventive of these is to have 
easy, well-fitting boots and woolen socks. Should 
blisters occur, a very good plan is to pass a large 
darning-needle threaded with worsted through the 
blister lengthwise, leaving an inch or so of the thread 
outside at each end. This keeps the scurf-skin close 
to the true skin, and prevents any grit or. dirt enter- 
ing. The thread absorbs the matter, and the old skin 
remains until the new one grows. A blister should 
not be punctured save in this manner, as it may de- 
generate into a sore and become very troublesome. 

Chilblains. 

To avoid chilblains on the feet it is necessary to 
observe three rules : 1. Avoid getting the feet wet ; 
if they become so, change the shoes and stockings at 
once. 2. Wear lamb's wool socks or stockings. 
3. Never under any circumstances " toast your toes " 
before the fire, especially if you are very cold. Fre- 



THE TOILET. 363 

quent bathing of the feet in a strong solution of alum 
is useful in preventing the coming of chilblains. On 
the first indication of any redness of the toes and 
sensation of itching it would be well to rub them 
carefully with warm spirits of rosemary, to which a 
little turpentine has been added. Then a piece of 
lint soaked in camphorated spirits, opodeldoc or cam- 
phor liniment may be applied and retained on the 
pari Should the chilblain break, dress it twice daily 
with a plaster of equal parts of lard and beeswax, 
with half the quantity in weight of oil of turpentine. 

The Toe Nails. 

The toe-nails do not grow so fast as the finger- 
nails, but they should be looked after and trimmed 
at least once a fortnight. They are much more sub- 
ject to irregularity of growth than the finger-nails, 
owing to their confined position. If the nails show a 
tendency to grow in at the sides, the feet should be 
bathed in hot water, pieces of lint be introduced be- 
neath the parts with an inward tendency, and the 
nail itself scraped longitudinally. 

Pare the toe-nails squarer than those of the fingers. 
Keep them a moderate length — long enough to pro- 
tect the toe, but not so long as to cut holes in the 
stockings. Always cut the nails ; never tear them, as 
is too frequently the practice. Be careful not to de- 
stroy the spongy substance below the nails, as that is 
the great guard to prevent them going into the quick. 



364 THE TOILET. 

Corns. 

It is tolerably safe to say that those who wear 
loose, easy-fitting shoes and boots will never be 
troubled with corns. Some people are more liable to 
corns than others, and some will persist in the use 
of tightly-fitting shoes in spite of corns. 

How to Have Shoes Made. 

The great fault with modern shoes is that their 
soles are made too narrow. If one would secure per- 
fect healthfulness of the feet, he should go to a shoe- 
maker and step with his stockinged feet on a sheet 
of paper. Let the shoemaker mark with a pencil 
upon the paper the exact size of his foot, and then 
make him a shoe whose sole shall be as broad as 
this outlined foot. 

Still more destructive of the beauty and symmetry 
of our women's feet have been the high,- narrow heels 
so much worn lately. They make it difficult to walk, 
and even in some cases permanently cripple the feet. 
A shoe, to be comfortable, should have a broad sole 
and a heel of moderate height, say one-half an inch, 
as broad at the bottom as at the top. 




CHAPTER XXXIII. 

To Remove Freckles. 

(RUISE, and squeeze the juice out of common 
chick-weed, and to this juice add three times 
its quantity of soft water. Bathe the skin 
with this for five or ten minutes morning 
and evening, and wash afterwards with clean water. 
Elder flowers treated and applied exactly in the 
same manner as above. When the flowers are not to 
be had, the distilled water from them, which may be 
procured from any druggist, will answer the purpose. 
A good freckle lotion is made of honey, one 
ounce, mixed with one pint of luke-warm water. 
Apply when cold. 

Carbonate of potassa, twenty grains ; milk of 
almonds, three ounces ; oil of sassafras, three drops. 
Mix and apply two or three tmes" a day. 

One ounce of alcohol; half a dram salts tartar: 
one dram oil of bitter almonds. Let stand for one 
day and apply every second day. 

24 l3j5j 



366 TOILET RECIPES. 

For Pimples on the Face. 

Wash the face in a solution composed of one 
tea-spoonful of carbolic acid to a pint of water. This 
is an excellent purifying lotion, and may be used on 
the most delicate skin. Be careful not to get any of 
it in the eyes as it will weaken them. 

One table-spoonful of borax to half a pint of water 
is an excellent remedy for cutaneous eruptions, canker, 
ringworm, etc. 

Pulverize a piece of alum the size of a walnut, 
dissolve it in one ounce of lemon juice, and add one 
ounce of alcohol. Apply once or twice a day. 

Mix two ounces of rose-water with one dram of 
sulphate of zinc. Wet the face gently and let it dry. 
Then touch the affected parts with sweet cream. 

Wash for the Complexion. 

A tea-spoonful of the flour of sulphur and a wine- 
glass of lime-water, well shaken and mixed ; half 
a wine-glass of glycerine and a wine-glass of rose- 
water. Rub it on the face every night before going 
to bed. Shake well before using. 

Another prescription, used by hunters to keep 
away the black flies and mosquitoes, is said to leave 
the skin very clear and fair and is as follows : Mix one 
spoonful of the best tar in a pint of pure olive oil 
or almond oil, by heating the two together in a tin 
cup set in boiling water. Stir till completely mixed 
and smooth, putting in more oil if the compound is 
too thick to run easily. Rub this on the face when 
going to bed, and lay patches of soft cloth on the 



TOILET RECIPES. 367 

cheeks and forehead to keep the tar from rubbing off. 
The bed linen must be protected by cloth folded and 
thrown over the pillows. 

The whites of four eggs boiled in rose-water ; half 
an ounce of alum ; half an ounce of sweet almonds ; 
beat the whole together until it assumes the consis- 
tency of a paste. Spread upon a silk or muslin 
mask, to be worn at night. 

Take a small piece of the gum benzoin and boil 
it in spirits of wine till it becomes a rich tincture. 
In using it pour fifteen drops into a glass of water, 
wash the face and hands and allow it to dry. 

Boracic Acid for Skin Diseases. 

Boracic acid has been used with great success as 
an external application in the treatment of vegetable 
parasitic diseases of the skin. A solution of a dram 
of the acid to an ounce of water, or as much of the 
acid as the water will take up, is found to meet the 
requirements of the case satisfactorily. The affect (id 
parts should be well bathed in the solution twice a 
day and well rubbed. 

To Soften the Skin. 

Mix half an ounce of glycerine with half an ounce 
of alcohol, and add four ounces of rose-water. 
Shake well together and it is ready for use. This is 
a splendid remedy for chapped hands. 

Remedy for Ringworm. 

Apply a solution of the root of common narrow — 
leafed dock, which belongs to the botanical genus of 
Rumex. Use vinegar for the solvent. 



368 TOILET RECIPES. 

Dissolve a piece of sulphate of potash, the size of 
a walnut, in one ounce of water. Apply night and 
morning for a couple of days, and it will disappear. 

To Remove Sunburn. 

Take two drams of borax, one dram of alum, one 
dram of camphor, half an ounce of sugar candy, and 
a pound of ox-gall. Mix and stir well for ten minutes, 
and stir it three or four times a day for a fortnight. 
When clear and transparent, strain through a blotting 
paper and bottle for use. 

To Prevent Hair Falling Out. 

Ammonia one ounce, rose-mary one ounce, cantha- 
rides four drams, rose-water four ounces, glycerine one 
ounce. First wet the head with cold water, then apply 
the mixture, rubbing briskly. 

Vinegar of cantharides half an ounce, eau-de-cologne 
one ounce, rose-water one ounce. The, scalp should be 
brushed briskly until it becomes red, and the lotion 
should then be applied to the roots of the hair twice 
a day. 

To Beautify the Hair. 

Take two ounces of olive oil, four ounces of good 
bay rum, and one dram of the oil of almonds ; mix 
and shake well. This will darken the hair. 

Hair Oil. 

Mix two ounces of castor oil with three ounces of 
alcohol and add two ounces of olive- oil. Perfume to 
liking. 



TOILET RECIPES. 

alcohol, and add two ounces of olive oil. Perfume to 
liking. 

To make Pomades for the Hair. 

Take the marrow out of a beef shank bone, melt 
it in a vessel placed over or in boiling water, then 
strain and scent to liking, with ottar of roses or other 
perfume. 

Unsalted lard five ounces, olive oil tw T o and a half 
ounces, castor oil one-quarter ounce, yellow wax and 
spermaceti one-quarter ounce. These ingredients are 
to be liquefied over a warm bath, and when cool, 
perfume to liking. 

Fresh beef marrow, boiled with a little almond oil 
or sweet oil, and scented with ottar of roses or other 
mild perfume. 

A transparent hair pomade is made as follows : 
Take half a pint of fine castor oil and an ounce of 
white wax. Heat them together just enough to melt 
the wax. Stir until it gets cool enough to thicken, 
when perfume may be stirred in ; geranium, bergamot 
or lemon oil may be used. 

German Method of Treating the Hair. 

The women of Germany have remarkably fine and 
luxuriant hair. The following is their method of man- 
aging it : About once in two or three weeks, boil for 
half an hour or more a large handful of bran in a 
quart of soft water ; strain into a basin, and when 
tepid, rub into the water a little white soap. With 
this wash the head thoroughly, using a soft linen cloth 
or towel, thoroughly dividing the hair so as to reach 
the roots. Then take the yolk of an egg, slightly 



370 TOILET RECIPES. 

beaten in a saucer, and with the fingers rub it into 
the roots of the hair. Let it remain a few minutes, 
and then wash it off entirely with a cloth dipped in 
pure water. Rinse the head well till the yolk of the 
egg has disappeared from it, then wipe and rub it 
dry with a towel, and comb the hair from the head, 
parting it with the fingers, then apply some soft 
pomatum. In winter it is best to do all this in a 
warm room. 

To Keep the Hair from Turning Grey. 

Take the hulls of butternuts, about four ounces, 
and infuse in a quart of water, and to this add Jialf 
an ounce of copperas. Apply with a soft brush every 
two or three days. This preparation is harmless, and 
is far better than those dyes made of nitrate of silver. 

Oxide of bismuth four drams, spermaceti four 
drams, pure hog's lard four ounces. Melt the two 
last and add the first. 

To Cleanse the Hair and Scalp. 

Beat up a fresh egg and rub it well into the hair, 
or if more convenient, rub it into the hair without 
beating. Rub the egg in until a lather is formed r 
occasionally wetting the hands in warm water softened 
by borax. By the time a lather is formed, the scalp 
is clean, then rinse the egg all out in a basin of warm 
water, containing a tablespoonml of powdered borax ; 
after that rinse in a basin of clear warm water. 

Hair Wash. 

Bay rum six ounces, aromatic spirits of ammonia 
half an ounce, bergamot oil six drops. Mix. 



TOILET RECIPES. 371 

TO MAKE THE HAIR GROW. 

If the head be perfectly bald, nothing will ever 
cause the hair to grow again. If the scalp be glossy, 
and no small hairs are discernible, the roots or 
follicles are dead, and cannot be recuscitated. How- 
ever, if small hairs are to be seen, there is hope. 
Brush well, and bathe the bald spot three or four 
times a week with cold soft water; carbonate of am- 
monia one dram, tincture of cantharides four drams, 
bay rum four ounces, castor oil two ounces. Mix well 
and use it every day. 

Sea Foam or Dry Shamroo. 
Take half a pint of alcohol, half pint of bay rum, 
and half an ounce of spirits of ammonia, and one 
dram of salts tartar. Shake well together and it is 
ready for use. Pour a quantity on the head, rub 
well with the palm of the hand. It will produce a 
thick foam, and will cleanse the* scalp. This is used 
generally by first class barbers. 

Barber's Shampoo. 
To one pint of warm water add half an ounce of 
salts tartar. Cut up very fine a piece of castile soap, 
the size of two crackers, and mix with it, shaking the 
mixture well, and it is ready for use. 

Cleaning Gold Jewelry. 

Gold ornaments may be kept bright and clean with 
soap and warm water, scrubbing them well with a 
soft nail brush. They may be dried in sawdust of 
boxwood. Imitation jewelry may be treated in the 
same way. 



372 TOILET REQIPES. 

To Loosen Stoppers of Toilet Bottles. 

Let a drop of pure oil flow round the stopper and 
let the bottle stand a foot or two from the fire. After 
a time tap the stopper smartly, but not too hard, 
with the handle of a hair brush. If this is not effect- 
ual, use a fresh drop of oil and repeat the process. 
It is almost sure to succeed. 

To make Bandoline. 

Half a pint of water, rectified spirits with an equal 
quantity of water three ounces, gum tragacanth one 
and a half drams. Add perfume, let the mixture 
stand for a day or two and then strain. 

Simmer an ounce of quince seed in a quart of 
water for forty minutes, strain, cool, add a few drops 
of scent, and bottle, corking tightly. 

Iceland moss one-fourth of an ounce, boiled in a 
quart of water, and a little rectified spirit added, so 
that it will keep. 

To make Lip-salve. 

Melt in a jar placed in a basin of boiling water a 
quarter of an ounce each of white wax and spermaceti, 
flour of benzoin fifteen grains, and half an ounce of 
the oil of almonds. Stir till the mixture is cool. 
Color red with alkanet root. 

To Clean Kid Boots. 

Mix a little white of egg and ink in a bottle, so 
that the composition may be well shaken up when 
required for use. Apply to the kid with a piece of 



TOILET RECIPES. 373 

sponge and rub dry. The best thing to rub with is 
the palm of the hand. When the kid shows symp- 
toms of cracking, rub in a few drops of sweet oil. 
The soles and heels should be polished with common 
blacking. 

To Clean Patent-leather Boots. 

In cleaning patent-leather boots, first remove all the 
dirt upon them with a sponge or flannel ; then the 
boot should be rubbed lightly over with a paste con- 
sisting of two spoonfuls of cream and one of linseed- 
oil, both of which require to be warmed before being 
mixed. Polish with a soft cloth. 

To Remove Stains and Spots from Silk. 

Boil five ounces of soft water and six ounces of 
powdered alum for a short time, and pour it into a 
vessel to cool. Warm it for use, and wash the stained 
part with it and leave to dry. 

Wash the soiled part with ether, and the grease 
will disappear. 

We often find that lemon-juice, vinegar, oil of vit- 
riol and other sharp corrosives stain dyed garments. 
Sometimes, by adding a little pearlash to a soap-lather 
and passing the silks through these, the faded color 
will be restored. Pearlash and warm water will some- 
times do alone, but it is the most efficacious to use 
the soap-lather and pearlash together. 

Toothache Preventive. 

Use flower of sulphur as a tooth-powder every 
night, rubbing the teeth and gums with a rather hard 



374 TOILET RECIPES. 

toothbrush. If done after dinner too, all the better. 
It preserves the teeth and does not communicate any 
smell whatever to the mouth. 

How to Whiten Linen. 

Stains occasioned by fruit, iron, rust and other 
similar causes may be removed by applying to the 
parts injured a weak solution of the chloride of lime, 
the cloth having been previously well washed. The 
parts subjected to this operation should be subsequently 
rinsed in soft, clear, warm water, without soap, and 
be immediately dried in the sun. 

Oxalic acid diluted with water will accomplish the 
same end. 

To take Stains out of Silk. 

Mix together in a vial two ounces of essence of 
lemon and one ounce of oil of turpentine. Grease 
and other spots in silk must be rubbed gently with 
a linen rag dipped in the above composition. To 
remove acid-stains from silks, apply, with a soft rag, 
spirits of hartshorn. 

To Remove Stains from White Cotton Goons. 

For mildew, rub in salt and some buttermilk, and 
expose it to the influence of a hot sun. Chalk and 
soap or lemon-juice and salt are also good. As fast 
as the spots become dry, more should be rubbed on, 
and the garment should be kept in the sun until the 
spots disappear. Some one of the preceding things 
will extract most kinds of stains, but a hot sun is 
necessary to render any one of them effectual. 



TOILET RECIPES. 375 

Scalding water will remove fruit-stains. So also 
will hartshorn diluted with warm water, but it will 
be necessary to apply it several times. 

Common salt rubbed on fruit-stains before they 
become dry will extract them. 

Colored cotton goods that have ink spilled' on them,, 
should be soaked in lukewarm sour milk. 

To Kemove Spots of Pitch or Tar. 

Scrape off all the pitch or tar you can, then sat- 
urate the spots with sweet-oil or lard ; rub it in well, 
and let it remain in a warm place for an hour. 

To Extract Paint from Garments. 

Saturate the spot with spirits of turpentine, let it 
remain a number of hours, then rub it between the 
hands ; it will crumble away without injury either to 
the texture or color of any kind of woolen, cotton 
or silk goods. 

To Clean Silks and Ribbons. 

Take equal quantities of soft lye-soap, alcohol or 
gin, and molasses. Put the silk on a clean table 
without creasing ; rub on the mixture with a flannel 
cloth. Rinse the silk well in cold, clear water, and 
hang it up to dry without wringing. Iron it, before 
it gets dry, on the wrong side. Silks and ribbons 
treated in this way will look very nicely. 

Camphene will extract grease and clean ribbons 
without changing the color of most things. They 
should be dried in the open air and ironed when 
pretty dry. 



376 TOILET RECIPES. 

The water in which pared potatoes have been 
boiled is very good to wash black silks in ; it stiffens 
and makes them glossy and black. 

Soap-suds answer very well. They should be 
washed in two suds and not rinsed in clean water. 

Remedy for Burnt Kid or Leather Shoes. 

If a lady has had the misfortune to put her shoes 
or slippers too near the stove, and thus had them 
burned, she can make them nearly as good as ever 
by spreading soft-soap upon them while they are 
still hot, and then, when they are cold, washing it off. 
It softens the leather and prevents it drawing up. 

Remedy for Corns. 

Soak the feet for half an hour two or three nights 
successively in a pretty strong solution of common 
soda. The alkali dissolves the indurated cuticle and 
the corn comes away, leaving a little cavity which, 
however, soon fills up. 

Corns between the toes are generally more painful 
than any others, and are frequently so situated as to 
be almost inaccessible to the usual remedies. They 
may be cured by wetting them several times a day 
with spirits of ammonia. 

Inflamed Eyelids. 

Take a slice of stale bread, cut as thin as possible, 
toast both sides well, but do not burn it ; when cold 
soak it in cold water, then put it between a piece of 
old linen and apply, changing when it gets warm. 



TOILET RECIPES. 377 



To make Cold Cream. 



Melt in a jar two ounces of white wax, half an 
ounce of spermaceti, and mix with a pint of sweet 
oil. Add perfume to suit. 

Melt together an ounce of white wax, half an 
ounce of spermaceti, and mix with a pint of oil of 
sweet almonds and half a pint of rose-water. Beat to 
a paste. 

To make Rose-water. 

Take half an ounce of powdered white sugar and 
two drams of magnesia. With these mix twelve drops 
of ottar of roses. Add a quart of water, two ounces 
of alcohol, mixed in a gradual manner, and filter 
through blotting paper. 

How to Wash Laces. 

Take a quart bottle and cover it with the leg of a. 
soft, firm stocking, sewing it tightly above and below. 
Then wind the collar or lace smoothly around the 
covered bottle ; take a fine needle and thread and sew 
very carefully around the outer edge of the collar or 
lace, catching every loop fast to the stocking. Then 
shake the bottle up and down in a pailful of warm 
soap-suds, occasionally rubbing the soiled places with 
a soft sponge. It must be rinsed well after the same 
manner in clean water. When the lace is clean, 
apply a very weak solution of gum-arabic and stand 
the bottle in the sunshine to dry. Take off the lace 
very carefully when perfectly dry. Instead of ironing, 
lay it between the white leaves of a heavy book ; or, 
if you are in a hurry, iron on flannel between a few 



378 TOILET R EOF PES. 

thicknesses of fine muslin. Done up in this way 
lace collars will wear longer, stay clean longer, and 
have a rich, new, lacy look that they will not have 
otherwise. 

How to Darken Faded False Hair. 

The switches, curls and frizzes which fashion de- 
mands should be worn, will fade in course of time ; 
and though they matched the natural hair perfectly 
at first, they will finally present a lighter tint. If the 
hair is brown this can be remedied. Obtain a yard 
of dark-brown calico. Boil it until the color has well 
come out into the water. Then into this water dip 
the hair, and take it out and dry it. Repeat the 
operation until it shall be of the required depth of 
shade. 

Putting away Furs for the Summer. 

When you are ready to put away furs and woolens, 
and want to guard against the depredations of moths, 
pack them securely in paper flour-sacks and tie them 
up well. This is better than camphor or tobacco or 
snuff scattered among them in chests and drawers. 
Before putting your muffs away for the summer, twirl 
them by the cords at the ends, so that every hair 
will straighten. Put them in their boxes and paste a 
strip of paper where the lid fits on. 

To Keep Hair in Curl. 

To keep hair in curl, take a few quince-seed, boil 
them in water, and add perfumery if you like; wet 
the hair with this, and it will keep in curl longer than 
from the use of any other preparation. It is also good 



TOILET RECIPES. 379 

to keep the hair in place on the forehead on going 
out in the wind. 

Protection against Moths. 

Dissolve two ounces of camphor in half a pint each 
of alcohol and spirits of turpentine ; keep in a stone 
bottle and shake before using. Dip blotting paper in 
the liquid, and place in the box with the articles to 
be preserved. 

To take Mildew out of Linen. 

Wet the linen in soft water, rub it well with white 
soap, then scrape some fine chalk to powder, and rub 
it well into the linen ; lay it out on the grass in the 
sunshine, watching to keep it damp with soft water. 
Repeat the process the next day, and in a few -hours 
the mildew will entirely disappear. 

Cure for Ingrowing Nails on Toes. 

Take a little tallow and put it into a spoon, and 
heat it over a lamp until it becomes very hot ; then 
pour it on the sore or granulation. The effect will 
be almost magical. The pain and tenderness will at 
once be relieved. The operation causes very little pain 
if the tallow is perfectly heated. Perhaps a repetition 
may be necessary in some cases. 

To Remove Grease-spots from Woolen Cloth. 

Take one quart of spirits of wine or alcohol, twelve 
drops of wintergreen, one gill . of beef-gall and six 
cents' worth of lavender. A little alkanet to color 
if you wish. Mix. 



880 TOILET RECIPES. 

To Clean Woolen Cloth. 

Take equal parts of spirits of hartshorn and ether. 
Ox-gall mixed with it makes it better. 

To take Ink-spots from Linen. 

Take a piece of mould candle of the finest kind, 
melt it, and dip the spotted part of the linen in the 
melted tallow. Then throw the linen into the wash. 

To Remove Fruit-stains. 

Moisten the parts stained with cold water; then 
hold it over the smoke of burning brimstone, and 
the stain will disappear. This will remove iron mould 
also. 

Cleaning Silver. 

For cleaning silver, either articles of personal wear 
or those pertaining to the toilet-table or dressing-case, 
there is nothing better than a spoonful of common 
whitening, carefully pounded so as to be without 
lumps, reduced to a paste with gin. 

To Remove Grease-spots. 

French chalk is useful for removing grease-spots 
from clothing. Spots on silk will sometimes yield if 
a piece of blotting-paper is placed over them and the 
blade of a knife is heated (not too much) and passed 
over the paper. 

To Remove a Tight Ring. 

When a ring happens to get so tight on a finger 
that it cannot be removed, a piece of string, well 



TOILET RECIPES. 381 

soaped, may be wound tightly round the finger, com- 
mencing at the end of the finger and continued until 
the ring is reached. Then force the end of the twine 
between the ring and finger, and as the string is un- 
wound, the ring will gradually be forced of! 

Mosquitoes Warded Off. 

To ward off mosquitoes, apply to the skin a solu- 
tion made of fifty drops of carbolic acid to an ounce 
of glycerine. Mosquito bites may be instantly cured 
by touching them with the solution. Add two or three 
drops of the ottar of roses to disguise the smell. The 
pure, crystallized form of the acid has a less powerful 
odor than the common preparation. 

Liniment for the Face after Shaving. 

One ounce of lime water, one ounce of sweet oil, 

one drop oil of roses, is a good liniment for the face 

after shaving, Shake well before using. Apply with 

the forefinger. 

To Remove Sunburn. 

Wash thoroughly with milk of almonds, which 
can be obtained at the drug store. 

To Whiten the Finger Nails. 

Take two drams of dilute sulphuric acid, one dram 
of the tincture of myrrh, four ounces of spring water, 
and mix in a bottle. After washing the hands, dip 
the fingers in a little of the mixture. Rings with stones 
or pearls in them should be removed before using 
this mixture. 
25 



382 TOILET RECIPES. 

To Remove Tan. 

Tan can be removed from the face by dissolving 
magnesia in soft water. Beat it to a thick mass, 
spread it on the face, and let it remain a minute or 
two. Then wash off with castile soapsuds and rinse 
with soft water. 

To Cure Warts. 

Take a piece of raw beef, steeped in vinegar for 
twenty-four hours, tie it on the part affected. Apply 
each night for two weeks. 

Remedy for In-growing Toe-nails. 

The best remedy for in-growing toe-nails is to cut 
a notch about the shape of a V in the end of the 
nail, about one-quarter the width of the nail from the 
in-growing side. Cut down as nearly to the quick as 
possible, and one-third the length of the nail. The 
pressure of the boot or shoe will tend to close the 
opening you have made in the nail, and this soon 
affords relief. Allow the in-growing portion of the 
nail to grow without cutting it, until it gets beyond 
the flesh. 

To Remove Wrinkles. 

Melt one ounce of white wax, add two ounces of 
juice of lily-bulbs, two ounces of honey, two drams of 
rose-water, and a drop or two of ottar of roses. Use 
it twice a day. 

Put powder of best myrrh upon an iron plate 
sufficiently hot to melt the gum gently, and when it 
liquefies, cover over your head with a napkin, and 
hold your face over the fumes at a distance that will 



TOILET RECIPES. 383 

cause you no inconvenience. If it produces headache, 
discontinue its use. 

In washing, use warm instead of cold water. 

Remedy for Chapped Hands. 

After washing with soap, rinse the hands in fresh 
water and dry them thoroughly, by applying Indian 
meal or' rice flour. 

Lemon-juice three ounces, white wine vinegar three 
ounces, and white brandy half a pint. 

Add ten drops of carbolic acid to one ounce of 
glycerine, and apply freely at night. 

To Cure Chilblains. 

Two tablespoonfuls of lime water mixed with enough 
sweet oil to make it as thick as lard. Rub the chil- 
blains with the mixture and dry it in, then wrap up 
in linen. 

Bathe the chilblains in strong alum water, as hot 
as it can be borne. 

When indications of the chilblains first present 
themselves, take vinegar three ounces and campho- 
rated spirits of wine one ounce ; mix and rub on the 
parts affected. 

Bathe the feet in warm water, in which two or 
three handsful of common salt have been dissolved. 

Rub with a raw onion dipped in salt. 

Hair Restorative. 

The oil of mace one-half ounce, mixed with a 
pint of deodorized alcohol, is a powerful stimulant for 
the hair. To apply it, pour a spoonful or two into a 



384 TOILET RECIPES. 

saucer, dip a stiff brush into it and brush the hair 
and head smartly. On bald heads, if hair will start 
at all, it may be stimulated by friction with a piece 
of -flannel till the skin becomes red. Repeat this pro- 
cess three times a day, until the hair begins to grow, 
when the tincture may be applied but once a day, 
till the growth is well established. The head should 
be bathed in cold water every morning, and briskly 
brushed to bring the blood to the surface. 

Wash for the Teeth. 

Dissolve two ounces of borax in three pints of 
warm water. Before the water is quite cold, add one 
teaspoonful of tincture of myrrh, and one tablespoonful 
of spirits of camphor. Bottle the mixture for use. 
One wine-glass of the mixture, added to half a pint 
of tepid water, is sufficient for each application. This 
solution used daily, beautifies and preserves the teeth. 

For Whitening the Hands. 

A wine-glass of cologne and one of lemon-juice 
strained clear. Scrape two cakes of brown Windsor 
soap to a powder and mix well in a mould. When 
hard, it is fit for use, and will be found excellent for 
whitening the hands. 

Wear during the night, large cloth mittens filled 
with wet bran or oat-meal, and tied closely at the 
wrist. Persons who have a great deal of house-work 
to do, may keep their hands soft and white by wear- 
ing bran or oat-meal mittens. 



TOILET RECIPES. 885 

To Reduce the Flesh. 

A strong decoction of sassafras, drank frequently, 
will reduce the flesh as rapidly as any remedy known. 
A strong infusion is made at the rate of an ounce of 
sassafras to a quart of water. Boil it half an hour 
very slowly, and let it stand till cold, heating again 
if desired. Keep it from the air. 

Smooth and Soft Hands. 

A few drops of glycerine thoroughly rubbed over 
the hands, after washing them, will keep them smooth 
and soft. 

To make Tincture of Roses. , 

Take the leaves of the common rose and place, 
without pressing them, in a glass bottle, then pour 
some spirits of wine on them, close the bottle and let 
it stand till required for use. Its perfume is nearly 
equal to that of ottar of roses. 

Soft Corns. 

A weak solution of carbolic acid will heal soft corns 
between the toes. 

Burned Eyebrows. 

Five grains sulphate of quinine dissolved in an 
ounce of alcohol, will, if applied, cause eyebrows to 
grow when burned off by the fire. 

To Restore Gray Hair. 

A recipe for restoring gray hair to its natural color, 
said to be very effectiye when the hair is changing 



386 TOILET RECIPES. 

color, is as follows : One pint of water, one ounce 
tincture of acetate of iron, half an ounce of glycerine? 
and five grains sulpheret of potassium. Mix and let 
the bottle stand open until the smell of potassium has 
disappeared, then add a few drops of ottar of roses. 
Rub a little into the hair daily, and it will restore its 
color and benefit the health. 

Bathing the head in a strong solution of rock salt, 
is said to restore gray hair in some cases. Make the 
solution two heaping tablespoon fuls of salt to a quart 
of boiling water, and let it stand until cold before 
using. 

A solution made of a teaspoonful of carbonate of 
ammonia to a quart of water is also recommended. 
Wash the head thoroughly with the solution and 
brush the hair while wet. 

To take Stains out of Silks. 

Make a solution of two ounces of essence of lemon, 
and one ounce oil of turpentine. Rub the silk gently 
with linen cloth, dipped in the solution. 

To remove acid stains from silk, apply spirits of 
ammonia with a soft rag. 

TO TAKE INKSPOTS FROM LlNEN. • 

Dip the spotted part of the linen in clean pure 
melted tallow, before being washed. 

To Remove Discoloration by Bruising. 

Apply to the bruise a cloth wrung out of very 
hot water, and renew frequently until the pain ceases. 



TOILET RECIPES. 387 

To Clean Kid Gloves. 

Make a solution of one quart of distilled benzine 
with one-fourth of an ounce of carbonate of ammonia, 
one-fourth of an ounce of fluid chloroform, one-fourtn 
of an ounce of sulphuric ether. Pour a small quantity 
into a saucer, put on the gloves, and wash, as if wrxsh- 
ing the hands, changing the solution until the gloves 
are clean. Rub them clean and as dry as possible 
with a clean dry cloth, and take them off and hang 
them where there is a good current of air to dry. 
This solution is also excellent for cleaning ribbons, 
silks, etc., and is perfectly harmless to the most delicate 
tints. Do not get near the fire when using, as the 
benzine is very inflammable. 

Washing the gloves in turpentine, the same as 
above, is also a good means of cleaning them. 

Perspiration. 

To remove the unpleasant odor produced by per- 
spiration, put two tablespoonfuls of the compound 
spirit of ammonia in a basin of water, and use it for 
bathing. It leaves the skin clean, sweet ;:nd fresh as 
one could wish. It is perfectly harmless, very cheap, 
and is recommended on the authority of an experi- 
enced physician. 

To Remove Flesh Worms. 

Flesh worms, or little black specks, which appear 
on the nose, may be removed by washing in warm 
water, drying with a towel, and applying a wash of 
cologne and liquor of potash, made of three ounces of 
the former to one ounce of the latter. 



388 TOILET RECIPES. 

Chapped Lips. 

Oil of roses four ounces, white wax one ounce, 
spermaceti half an ounce ; melt in a glass vessel, stir- 
ring with a wooden spoon, and pour into a china or 
glass cup. 

Kecipes for the Care of the Teeth. 

A remedy for unsound gums, is a gargle made of 
one* ounce of coarsely powdered Peruvian bark steeped 
in half a pint of brandy for two weeks. Put a tea- 
spoonful of this into a tablespoonful of water, and 
gargle the mouth twice a day. 

The ashes of stale bread, thoroughly burned, is said 
to make a good dentifrice. 

The teeth should be carefully brushed after every 
meal, as a means of preserving a sweet breath. In 
addition, a small piece of licorice may be dissolved in 
the mouth, which corrects the effects of indigestion. 
Licorice has no smell, but simply corrects ill-flavored 
odor. 

A good way to clean teeth is to dip the brush in 
water, rub it over white castile soap, then dip it in 
prepared chalk, and brush the teeth briskly. 

To beautify the teeth, dissolve two ounces of borax 
in three pints of boiling water, and before it is cold, 
add one teaspoonful of spirits of camphor ; bottle for 
use. Use a teaspoonful of this with an equal quantity 
of warm water. 

To make Cold Cream. 

Five ounces oil of sweet almonds, three ounces 
spermaceti, half an ounce of white wax, and three to 



TOILET RECIPES. 389 

five drops ottar of roses. Melt together in a shallow 
dish over hot water. Strain through a piece of muslin 
when melted, and as it begins to cool, beat it with a 
silver spoon until cold and snowy white. For the 
hair use seven ounces of oil of almonds instead of five. 

Remedy for Black Teeth. 

Take equal parts of cream of tartar and salt, pul- 
verize it and mix it well. Wash the teeth in the 
morning and rub them well with the powder. 

To Cleanse the Teeth and Gums. 

Take an ounce of myrrh in fine powder, two table- 
spoonfuls of honey, and a little green sage in very 
fine powder ; mix them well together, and wet the 
teeth and gums with a little twice a day. 



s 



ii 



CHAPTER XXXIV. 

jSparta, §imtg$ t jtimisimsttis* 

HERE is a great variety of games, sports and 
amusements for both out-door and in-door 
^ffillff) entertainment, in which both sexes mingle 
for pleasure, and brief mention is here made 
of some of these. 

Archery. 

The interest that has been recently awakened in 
this country in archery, is worthy of mention. As a 
graceful, healthful and innocent sport it has no equal 
among any of the games that have been introduced, 
where both sexes participate. Our young and middle 
aged ladies too often neglect out-door physical exer- 
tion, which is essential to acquiring strength of limbs 
and muscle, and a gracefulness of carriage which is 
dependent thereon. It is a mistaken idea that with 
youth all indulgence in physical recreation should 
cease. On the contrary, such exercises as are most 
conducive to health, and are attended with pleasure, 
might with propriety be kept up by young women as 
well as by young men, as a means of retaining 

(390) 



SPORTS, GAMES, AMUSEMENTS. 391 

strength and elasticity of the muscles ; and instead of 
weak, trembling frames and broken down constitutions, 
in the prime of life, a bright, vigorous old age would 
be the reward. The pursuit of archery is recommen- 
ded to both young and old, male and female, as 
having advantages far superior to any of the out-door 
games and exercises, as a graceful and invigorating 
pastime, developing in ladies a strong constitution, 
perfection of sight at long range, and above all, im - 
parting to the figure a graceful appearance and' perfect 
action of the limbs and chest. Let the women of this 
country devote some of their spare hours to this 
pleasant, health-giving sport, and their reward will be 
bright, ruddy faces, elasticity of movement, and strong 
and vigorous constitutions. 

Implements for Archery. 

For the purposes of archery, the implements re- 
quired are the bow, arrows, targets, a quiver pouch 
and belt, an arm-guard or brace, a shooting glove or 
finger tip and a scoring card. 

The bow is from five to six feet long, made of 
lancewood, lemonwood, yew hickory, beefwood, rose- 
wood or locust. Spanish yew is considered the 
choicest, next comes the Italian, then the English yew, 
lancewood and lancewood balked with hickory are 
used more than any other. In choosing a bow, get 
the best you can afford, it will prove the cheapest in 
the end. Men should use bows six feet long, pulling 
from forty to sixty pounds^ and ladies bows of five 



392 SPOBTS, GAMES, AMUSEMENTS. 

feet or five feet six inches in length, and pulling from 
twenty-five to forty pounds. The arrows are generally 
of uniform thickness throughout, and are made of 
pine ; the finest grades being made of white deal, 
with sharp points of iron or brass. They are from 25 
to 30 inches in length. The quiver belt is worn round 
the waist, and contains the arrows which are being 
used, The arm is protected from the blow of the 
string by the " arm-guard," a broad guard of strong 
leather buckled on the left wrist by two straps. A 
shooting-glove is worn on the right hand to protect 
the fingers from soreness in drawing the string of the 
bow. 

The target consists of a circular, thick mat of 
straw, from two to four feet in diameter, covered with 
canvas, painted in a series of circles. The inner circle 
of a gold color, the next red, the next black, and the 
outer circle white. The score for a gold hit is nine ; 
the red 7; the inner white 5; the black 3, and the 
outer white 1. 

The use of the bow and arrows, the proper manner 
of holding them, and directions for shooting are to be 
found in pamphlets of instruction, which often accom- 
pany the implements. 

Archery Clubs and Practice. 

In many cities and villages throughout the country, 
clubs have been formed, and regular da}^s for practice 
and prize shooting are appointed. Each member of 
the club is expected to furnish his or her own im- 



SPORTS, GAMES, AMUSEMENTS. 39& 

plements, and to attend all the practice meetings and 
prize shootings. The clubs are about equally divided 
as to ladies and gentlemen, as both sexes participate 
equally in the sport. The officers are such as are 
usually chosen in all organizations, with the addition 
of a Lady Paramount, a Scorer, and a Field Marshal. 
The lady paramount is the highest office of honor in 
the club. She is expected to act as an umpire or 
judge in all matters of dispute that may come up in 
the club, and her decisions must be regarded as final. 
She is also expected to do all in her power to further 
the interests of the organization. A field marshal has 
been appointed by some clubs, and his duties are to 
place the targets, measure the shooting distances, and 
have general supervision of the field on practice days. 
The scorer keeps a score of each individual member 
of the club. 

In meeting for practice, it is customary to have 
one target for every six, eight or ten persons, the 
latter number being sufficient for any one target. The 
targets are placed at any distance required, from thirty 
to one hundred yards ; ladies being allowed an advant- 
age of about one-fourth the distance in shooting. To 
new b'eginners, a distance of from twenty-five to forty 
yards for gentlemen, and twenty to thirty for ladies 
is sufficient, and this distance may be increased as 
practice is acquired. An equal number of ladies and 
gentlemen usually occupy one target, and each shoot 
a certain number of arrows as agreed upon, usually 
from three to six, a score being kept as the target is 



394 SPORTS, GAMES, AMUSEMENTS, 

hit. After each person has shot the allotted number 
of arrows, it is regarded as an " end," and a certain 
number of ends, as agreed upon, constitutes a " round." 
For prize shooting, the National Archery Association 
has established three rounds, known as the " York 
Round," the " American Round," and the " Columbia 
Round " (for ladies). The " York Round " consists of 
72 arrows at 100 yards, 48 at 80 yards, and 24 at 60 
yards. The " American Round " consists of 30 arrows, 
each at 60, 50 and 40 yards respectively, and the 
" Columbia Round" (for ladies), 24 arrows, each at 50, 
40 and 30 yards respectively. A captain is appointed 
for each target, who designates a target scorer, and 
the gentlemen who make the largest score, are ap- 
pointed captains of the targets at the succeeding 
meeting. The target scorer, at the close of the round, 
hands the score to the official scorer, who announces 
the result at the next meeting of the .club. Some 
clubs have adopted the plan of having every alternate 
meeting for prize shooting, awarding some small token 
to the lady and gentleman who make the highest scores. 
Ladies costumes for archery may be more brilliant 
than for an ordinary walking dress, and are usually 
trimmed with green and gold color, and in many 
cases a green jacket is worn. The costumes are short 
enough for convenience in movement, and made so as 
to give free and easy movement of the arms. 

Lawn-Tennis. 

Amongst all games, none, perhaps can so justly lay 



SPORTS, GAMES, AMUSEMENTS. 395 

claim to the honor of antiquity as tennis. The 
ancient Greeks played it, the Romans knew it as pila, 
and ever since those days, with little intermission, the 
game has been played in many European countries. 
After a long season of rest, the game has now re- 
appeared in all the freshness of renewed youth. There 
are many points to be said to commend tennis. Both 
ladies and gentlemen can join in the game, and often 
the palm will be borne off by the " weaker, yet fairer " 
sex. The exercise required to enjoy the game is not 
in any way of an exhausting character, and affords 
ladies a training in graceful and charming movements. 
Lawn-tennis may be played either in summer or 
winter, and in cold weather, if the ground be dry, is 
a very agreeable out-door recreation. At a croquet or 
garden party it is certainly a desideratum. 

The requisites for playing lawn-tennis, are a lawn 
or level surface about 45 by 100 feet, as the " court " 
upon which the playing is done is 27 by 78 feet. A 
net four or five feet in height and 27 feet long, divides 
the court. A ball made of india rubber and covered 
with cloth, and a "racket" for each player are the 
implements needed for playing. The racket is used 
for handling the ball, and is about two feet in length, 
with net-work at the outer end, by means of which 
the ball is tossed from one place to another. Rules 
for playing the game are obtained with the implements 
needed, which can be procured from dealers in such 
lines of goods. 



396 SPORTS, GAMES, AMUSEMENTS^ 

Boating. 

Where there is a sufficiently large body or stream 
of water to admit of it, boating is a very enjoyable 
recreation, which may be pursued by both ladies and 
gentlemen. There is much danger in sailing, and 
the proper management of a sail-boat requires con- 
siderable tact and experience. Rowing is safer, but 
caution should be observed in not over-loading the 
boat, A gentleman should not invite ladies to ride 
on the Water, unless he is thoroughly capable of 
managing the boat. Rowing is a healthful and delight- 
ful recreation, and many ladies become expert and 
skillful at it. Every gentleman should have some 
knowledge of rowing, as it is easily acquired. If a 
gentleman who is inexperienced in rowing, goes out 
with other gentlemen in a boat, he should refrain 
from any attempt to row, as he will only display his 
awkwardness, and render the ride uncomfortable to 
his companions. 

In rowing with a friend, it is polite to offer him 
the " stroke " oar, which is the post of honor. 

When two gentlemen take a party of ladies out 
for a row, one stands in the boat to steady it and 
offer assistance to the ladies in getting seated, and 
the other aids from the wharf. 

A lady's dress for rowing should be one which 
will give perfect freedom to her arms; a short skirt, 
stout boots, and hat with sufficient brim to protect 
her face from the sun. 



SPORTS, GAMES, AMUSEMENTS. 397 

Picnics. 

While ladies and gentlemen never forget their 
good manners, and are always polite and courteous, 
yet at picnics they are privileged to relax many of 
the forms and ceremonies required by strict etiquette. 
Here men and women mingle for a day of pleasure 
in the woods or fields, or on the water, and it is the 
part of all who attend, to do what they can for their 
own and their neighbor's enjoyment. Hence, formal 
introductions, and other ceremonies need not stand in 
the way of enjoyment either by ladies or gentlemen, 
and at the same time no act of rudeness should 
occur to mar the pleasure of the occasion. It is the 
duty of gentlemen to do all they can to make the 
occasion enjoyable and even mirthful. They should 
also look to providing the means of conveyance to 
and from the spot selected for the festivities, make 
such arrangements as are necessary in the way of 
providing music, games, boats, and whatever else is 
needed to enhance the pleasure of the day. The 
ladies provide the luncheon or dinner, which is spread 
upon the grass or eaten out of their baskets, and at 
which the restraints of the table are withdrawn. At 
picnics, gentlemen become the servants as well as the 
escorts and guides of the ladies, and perform such 
services for ladies in the way of procuring flowers, 
carrying baskets, climbing trees, baiting their fish- 
hooks, and many other things as are requested of 
them. 
26 



398 SPOBTS, GAMES, AMUSEMENTS. 

Peivate Theatricals. 

Private theatricals may be made very pleasing and 
instructive entertainments for fall or winter evenings, 
among either young or married people. They include 
charades, proverbs, tableaux, dramatic readings, and 
the presentation of a short dramatical piece, and may 
successfully be given in the parlor or drawing room. 
The hostess seeks the aid of friends in the preparation 
of her arrangements, and if a drama has been deter- 
mined upon, she assigns the various parts to each. 
Her friends should aid her in her efforts by giving 
her all the assistance they can, and by willingly and 
good-naturedly complying with any request she ma) r 
make, accepting the parts allotted to them, even if 
they are obscure or distasteful. They should endeavor 
to perform their part in any dramatical piece, tableau 
or charade as well as possible, and the success they 
achieve will determine how conspicuous a part they 
may be called upon to perform at a subsequent time. 
The hostess should consult each performer before al- 
lotting a part, and endeavor to suit each one. The 
host or hostess should not have any conspicuous part 
assigned them, unless it is urged by all the other per- 
formers. Those who are to participate, should not 
only thoroughly learn their parts, but endeavor to 
imbue themselves with the spirit of the character they 
personate, so as to afford pleasure to all who are in- 
vited to witness its performance. When persons have 
consented to participate in any such entertainment? 



SPORTS, GA3IES, AMUSEMENTS. 399 

only sickness or some very grave cause should pre- 
vent them from undertaking their part. Supper or 
refreshments usually follow private theatricals, of 
which both the performers and invited guests are in- 
vited to partake, and the remainder of the evening is 
spent in social intercourse. 

Etiquette of Card Playing. 

Never urge any one who seems to be unwilling to 
play a game of cards. They may have conscientious 
scruples in the matter, which must be respected. 

If you have no scruples of conscience, it is not 
courteous to refuse, when a game cannot be made up 
without you. 

You may refuse to pla}^ if you do not understand 
the game thoroughly. If, however, you are urged to 
try, and your partner and opponents offer to instruct 
you, you may accede to their requests, for in so doing ? 
you will acquire a better knowledge of the game. 

Married and elderly people take precedence over 
young and unmarried people, in a game of cards. 

It is the privilege of the host and hostess to suggest 
cards as a means of amusement for their guests. The 
latter should never call for them. 

" AVhist " is a game of cards so called, because it 
requires silence and close attention. Therefore in 
playing this game, you must give your whole attention 
to the cards, and secure at least comparative silence. 
Do not suggest or keep up any conversation during a 
game, which will distract your own mind or the minds 
of others from the game. • 

Never hurry any one who is playing. In endeavor- 



400 SPORTS, GAMES, AMUSEMENTS. 

ing to play their best, they should take their own 
time, without interruption. 

Betting at cards is vulgar, partakes of the nature 
of gambling, and should at all times be avoided. 

Never finger the cards while they are being dealt, 
nor take up any of them until all are dealt out, 
when you ma}^ take your own cards and proceed to play. 

In large assemblies, it is best to furnish the cards 
and tables, and allow guests to play or not, at their 
option, the host and hostess giving their assistance in 
seeking for people disposed to play, and in making up 
a game. In giving card parties, new cards should be 
provided on every occasion. 

Where there are several tables, husband and wife 
should not play together at the same table, but when 
they do play at the same table, it should be on oppo- 
site sides. 

Never violate the rules of the game, nor be guilty 
of cheating. If, however, you detect another guilty of 
either, you should point out the error in a quiet way, 
or let it pass unnoticed. 

Do not get excited or lose your temper at cards. 
It is better to abstain from playing altogether than to 
commit these breaches of good manners. 

Unless a person has religious scruples about play- 
ing cards, it is desirable to have some knowledge of 
the various games, in order to contribute to the 
amusement of others, and not be subjected to the ac- 
cusation of being selfish and impolite. 

The rules of etiquette concerning cards, apply 
equally well to chess and other games of skill or 
chance. 



CHAPTER XXXV. 

lip Jhmgmtgi nf Ipcrtuirs, 

,HERE is a sentiment attached to flowers, and 
this sentiment has been expressed in language 
by giving names to various flowers, shrubs 
and plants. These names constitute a lan- 
guage which may be made the medium of a pleasant 
and amusing interchange of thought between men and 
women. A bouquet of flowers and leaves may be 
selected and arranged so as to express much depth 
feeling, — to be truly a poem. We present herewith a 
list of many flowers and plants, to which, by uni- 
versal consent, a sentiment has become attached. 




Acacia, — Concealed love. 

Acacia, Rose, — Friendship. 

Acanthus, — Arts. 

Adonis Vernalis, — Bitter memories. 

Agnus Castus, — Coldness. 

Agrim ony ,■ —Thankfulness. 

Almond, — Hope. 

Aloe, — Superstition. 

Althea, — Consumed by love. 

Alyssum, Sweet, — Worth beyond beauty. 

Amaranth , — Immortality. 

Amaryllis, —Splendid beauty. 

,401) 



402 THE LANGUAGE OF FLOWERS. 

Ambrosia, — Love returned. 

Anemone, — Expectation. 

Anemone, Garden, — Forsaken. 

Angelica, — Inspiration. 

Apocynum (Dogbane), — Deceit. 

Apple, — Temptation. 

Apple Blossom, — Preference. 

Arbor Vitae, — Unchanging friendship. 

Arbutus, Trailing, — Welcome. 

Arum, — Ardor, 

Ash , — Grand eur. 

Ash, Mountain, — Prudence. 

Aspen Tree, — Lamentation. 

Asphodel, — Regrets beyond the grave. 

Aurilica, — Avarice. 

Azalea, — Romance. 

Bachelors Button, — Hope in love. 

Balm , — Sympathy. 

Balm of Gilead, — Healing. 

Balsam, — Impatience. 

Barberry, — Sharpness, satire. 

Basil, — Hatred. 

Bay Leaf, — No change till death. 

Beech, — Prosperity. 

Bee Ophrys, — Error. 

Bee Orchis, — Industry. 

Bell Flower,— Gratitude. 

Beloidere, Wild (Liconce), — I declare against you. 

Bilberry, — Treachery. 

Birch Tree, — Meekness. 

Black Bryony, — Be my support. 

Bladder-Nut Tree, — Frivolous amusements. 

Blue Battle, — Delicacy. 

Borage, — Bluntness. 

Box, — Constancy. 

Briers, — Envy. 

Broken Straw,- — Quarrel. 

Broom , — Neatness. 

Buckbean, — Calm repose. 



THE LANGUAGE OF FLOWERS. 403 

Bugloss, — Falsehood. 

Burdock, — Importunity. 

Buttercup, — Riches. 

Cactus, — Thou leavest me. 

Calla Lilly, — Feminine beauty. 

Calycanthus, — Benevolence. 

Camelia, — Pity. 

Camomile, — Energy in action. 

Candytuft, — Indifference. 

Canterbury Bell, — Gratitude. 

Cape Jasmine Gardenia, — Transport, ecstacy. 

Cardinal Flower, — Distinction. 

Carnation, Yellow, — Disdain. 

Catchfly (Silene), red, — Youthful love. 

Catchfly, White, — I fall a victim. 

Cedar, — I live for thee. 

Cedar of Lebanon, — Incorruptible. 

Celandine, — Future joy. 

Cherry Tree, — Good education. 

Chickweed, — I cling to thee. 

Chickory, — Frugality. 

China Aster, — I will think of it. 

China, Pink, — Aversion. 

Chrysanthemum Rose, — In love. 

Chrysanthemum, White, — Truth. 

Chrysanthemum, Yellow, — Slighted love. 

Cinquefoil, — Beloved child. 

Clematis, — Artifice. 

Clover, Red, — Industry. 

Coboea, — Gossip. 

Coxcomb, — Foppery. 

Colchicum, — My best days fled. 

Coltsfoot, — Justice shall be done you. 

Columbine, — Folly. 

Columbine, Purple, — Resolved to win. 

Columbine, Red, — Anxious. 

Convolvulus Major, — Dead hope. 

Convolvulus Minor, — Uncertainty. 

Corchorus, — Impatience of absence. 



404 THE LANGUAGE OF FLOWERS. 

Coreopsis, — Love at first sight. 

Coriander, — Hidden merit. 

Corn, — Riches. 

Cornelian Cherry Tree, — Durability. 

Coronilla, — Success to you. 

Cowslip, — Pensiveness. 

Cowslip, American, — My divinity. 

Crocus, — Cheerfulness. 

Crown Imperial, — Majesty. 

Currants, — You please me. 

Cypress, — Mourning. 

Cypress and Marigold, — Despair. 

Daffodil, — Chivalry. 

Dahlia, — Forever thine. 

Daisy, Garden, — I share your feelings. 

Daisy, Michaelmas, — Farewell. 

Daisy, Red, — Beauty unknown to possessor. 

Daisy, White, — Innocence. 

Daisy, Wild,— I will think of it. 

Dandelion, — Coquetry. 

Daphne Mezereon, — I desire to please. 

Daphne Odora, — I would not have you otherwise. 

Deadleaves, — Sadness. 

Diosma, — Usefulness. 

Dittany, — Birth. 

Dock, — Patience. 

Dodder, — Meanness. 

Dogwood Flowering. (Cornus), — Am I indifferent to 

you? 
Ebony, — Hypocrisy. 
Eglantine, — I wound to heal. 
Elder, — Compassion. 
Elm, — Dignity. 
Elm, American, — Patriotism. 
Endive, — Frugality. 

Epigaea Repeus (Mayflower), — Budding beauty. 
Eupatorium, — Delay. 
Evening Primrose, — Inconstancy. 
Evergreen , — Poverty. 



THE LANGUAGE OF FLOWERS. 405 

Everlasting (Graphalium), — Never ceasing memory. 

Filbert, — Reconciliation. 

Fir Tree,— Elevation. 

Flax, — I feel your kindness. 

Flora's Bell, — Without pretension. 

Flowering Reed, — Confide in Heaven. 

Forget-me-not, — True love. 

Foxglove, — Insincerity. 

Fraxinella, — Fire. 

Fritillaria (Guinea-hen Flower), — Persecution. 

Furze, — Anger. 

Fuchsia, — The ambition of my love thus plagues 

itself. 
Fuchsia, Scarlet, — Taste. 
Gardenia, — Transport ; Ecstacy. 
Gentian, Fringed, — Intrinsic worth. 
Geranium, Apple, — Present preference. 
Geranium, Ivy, — Your hand for next dance. 
Geranium, Nutmeg, -I expect a meeting. 
Geranium, Oak, — Lady, deign to smile. 
Geranium, Rose, — Preference. 
Geranium , Silver-leaf, — Recall. 
Gillyflower, — Lasting beauty. 
Gladiolus, — Ready armed. 
Golden Rod, — Encouragement. 
Gooseberry, — Anticipation. 
Goosefoot,' — Goodness. 
Gorse, — Endearing affection. 
Grape, — Charity. 
Grass, — Utility. 

Guelder Rose (Snowball), — Winter. 
Harebell, — Grief. 
Hawthorn, — Hope. 
Heart's Ease, — Think of me. 

Heart's Ease, Purple, — You occupy my thoughts. 
Hazel, — Reconciliation. 
Heath, — Solitude. 
Helenium, — Tears. 
Heliotrope, Peruvian, — I love you; devotion. 



406 THE LANGUAGE OF FLOWERS. 

Hellebore, — Scandal. 

Henbane, — Blemish. 

Hepatica, — Confidence. 

Hibiscus, — Delicate beauty. 

Holly, — Foresight. 

Hollyhock, — Fruitfulness. 

Hollyhock, White, — Female ambition. 

Honesty (Lunaria), — Sincerity. 

Honeysuckle, — The bond of love. 

Honeysuckle, Coral. — The color of my fate. 

Honeysuckle, Monthly, — I will not answer hastily. 

Hop, — Injustice. 

Hornbeam, — Ornament. 

Horse-Chestnut, — Luxury. 

House-Leek, — Domestic economy. 

Houstonia, — Content. 

Hoya (Wax Plant), — Sculpture. 

Hyacinth, — Jealousy. 

Hyacinth, Blue, — Constancy. 

Hyacinth, Purple, — Sorrow. 

Hydrangea, — Heartlessness. 

Ice Plant, — Your looks freeze me. 

Indian Cress, — Resignation. 

Ipomaca, — I attach myself to you. 

Iris, — Message. 

Iris, German, — Flame. 

Ivy, — Friendship ; matrimony. 

Jessamine, Cape, — Transient joy. 

Jessamine, White, — Amiability. 

Jessamine, Yellow, — Grace ; elegance. 

Jonquil, — Return my affection. 

Judas-Tree, — Betrayed. 

Juniper, — Perfect loveliness. 

Kalmia (Mountain Laurel), — Treachery. 

Kennedia, — Intellectual beauty. 

Laburnum, — Pensive beauty. 

Lady's Slipper, — Capricious beauty. 

Lagerstroema (Crape Myrtle) — Eloquence. 

Lantana, — Rigor. 



THE LANGUAGE OF FLOWERS. 407 

Larch, — Boldness. 

Larkspur, — Fickleness. 

Laurel, — Glory. 

Laurestinus, — I die if neglected. 

Lavender, — Distrust. 

Lemon Blossom, — Discretion. 

Lettuce, — Cold Hearted. 

Lilac, — First emotion of love. 

Lilac, White, — Youth. 

Liry, — Purity ; modesty. 

Lily of the Valley, — Return of happiness. 

Lily, Day, — Coquetry. 

Lily, Water, — Eloquence. 

Lily, Yellow, — Falsehood. 

Linden Tree, — Conjugal love. 

Live Oak, — Liberty. 

Liverwort, — Confidence. 

Locust, — Affection beyond the grave. 

London Pride, — Frivolity. 

Lotus, — Forgetful of the past. 

Love in a Mist, — You puzzle me. 

Love Lies Bleeding, — Hopeless, not heartless. 

Lucerne, — Life. 

Lungwort (Pulmonaria), — Thou art my life. 

Lupine, — Imagination. 

Lychnis, — Religious enthusiasm. 

Lythrum, — Pretension. 

Madder, — Calumny. 

Maiden's Hair, — Discretion. 

Magnolia, Chinese, — Love of nature. 

Magnolia, Grandiflora, — Peerless and proud. 

Magnolia, Swamp, — Perseverance. 

Mallow, — Sweetness. 

Mandrake, — Horror. 

Maple, — Reserve. 

Marigold, — Cruelty. 

Marigold, African, — Vulgar-minded. 

Marigold, French, — Jealousy. 

Marjoram, — Blushes. 



408 THE LANGUAGE OF FLOWERS. 

Marshmallow, Beneficence. 

Marvel of Peru (Four o'clock), — Timidity. 

Meadow-Suffron, — My best days gone. 

Mead ow-S w eet, — Uselessn ess. 

Mignonette, — Your qualities surpas your charms. 

Mimora, — Sensitiveness. 

Mint,— Virtue. 

Mistletoe, — I surmount all difficulties. 

Mock Orange (Syringia), Counterfeit. 

Monkshood, — A deadly foe is near. 

Moonwort, — Forgetfulness. 

Morning Glory, — Coquetiy. 

Moss, — Maternal love. 

Motherwort, — Secret love. 

Mourning Bride (Scabious) -Unfortunate attachment. 

Mouse-ear Chickweed, — Simplicity. 

Mulberry, Black, — I will not survive you. 

Mulberry, White, — Wisdom. 

Mullein, — Good nature. 

Mushroom, — Suspicion. 

Mush Plant, — Weakness. 

Mustard Seed, — Indifference. 

Myosotis, — Forget me not. 

Myrtle, — Love. 

Narcissus, — Egotism. 

Nasturtium, — Patriotism. 

Nettle, — Cruelty ; Slander. 

Night-Blooming Cereus, — Transient beauty. 

Nightshade, — Bitter truth. 

Oak, — Hospitality. 

Oats, — Music. 

Oleander, — Beware. 

Orange, — Generosity. 

Orange Flower, — Chastity. 

Orchis, — Beauty. 

Osier, — Frankness. 

Osmunda, — Dreams. 

Pansy, — Think of me. 

Parsley, — Entertainment. 



THE LANGUAGE OF FLOWERS. 409 

Pasque Flower, — Unpretentious. 

Passion Flower, — Religious fervor. 

Pea, — Appointed meeting. 

Pea, Everlasting, — Wilt go with me ? 

Pea, Sweet, — Departure. 

Peach Blossom, — My heart is thine. 

Pear Tree, — Affection. 

Peony. — Anger. 

Pennyroyal, — Flee away. 

Periwinkle, — Sweet memories. 

Persimmon, — Bury me amid nature's beauties. 

Petunica, — Am not proud. 

Pheasant's Eye, — Sorrowful memories. 

Phlox, — Our souls united. 

Pimpernal, — Change. 

Pine, — Time. 

Pine Apple, — You are perfect. 

Pine, Spruce, — Farewell. 

Pink, — Pure affection. 

Pink, Clove, — Dignity. 

Pink, Double-red, — Pure, ardent love. 

Pink, Indian, — Aversion. 

Pink, Mountain, — You are aspiring. 

Pink, Variegated, — Refusal. 

Pink, White, — You are fair. 

Pink, Yellow, — Disdain. 

Plane Tree, — Genius. 

Pleurisy Root (Asclopias), — Heartache cure. 

Plum Tree, — Keep promise. 

Plum Tree, Wild, — Independence. 

Polyanthus, — Confidence. 

Poplar, Black, — Courage. 

Poplar, White, — Time. 

Poppy, — Consolation. 

Poppy, White, — Sleep of the heart. 

Pomegranate, — Foolishness. 

Pemegranate Flower, — Elegance. 

Potato, — Beneficence. 

Pride of China (Melia), — Dissension. 



410 THE LANGUAGE OF FLOWERS. 

Primrose, — Early youth. 

Primrose, Evening, — Inconstancy. 

Privet, — Mildness. 

Pumpkin, — Coarseness. 

Quince, — Temptation. 

Ragged Robbin (Lychnis), — Wit. 

Ranunculus, — Radiant with charms. 

Reeds, — Music. 

Rhododendron, — Agitation. 

Rose, — Beauty, 

Rose, Austrian, — Thou art all that is lovely. 

Rose, Bridal, — Happy love. 

Rose, Burgundy, — Unconscious beauty. 

Rose, Cabbage. — Love's ambassador. 

Rose, Campion, — Only deserve my love. 

Rose, Barolina. — Love is dangerous. 

Rose, China, — Grace. 

Rose, Daily, — That smile I would aspire to. 

Rose, Damask, — Freshness. 

Rose, Dog, — Pleasure and pain. 

Rose, Hundred Leaf, — Pride. 

Rose, Inermis, — Ingratitude. 

Rose, Maiden's Blush, — If you do love me, you 

will find me out. 
Rose, Moss, — Superior merit. 
Rosebud Moss, — Confessed love. 
Rose, Multiflora, — Grace. 
Rose, Musk-cluster, — Charming. 
Rose, Sweetbriar, — Sympathy. 
Rose, Tea, — Alwaj^s lovely. 
Rose, Unique, — Call me not beautiful. 
Rose, White, — I am worthy of you. 
Rose, White (withered), — Transient impression. 
Rose, Wild, — Simplicity. 
Rose, Yellow, — Decrease of love. 
Rose, York and Lancaster, — War. 
Roses, Garland of, — Reward of virtue. 
Rosebud, — Young girl. 
Rosebud, White, — The heart that knows not love. 



THE LANGUAGE OF FLOWERS. 411 

Rosemary, — Your presence revives me. 

Rue, — Disdain. 

Rush, — DocilhVv. 

.Saffron, — Excess is dangerous. 

Sage, — Esteem. 

Sardonia, — Irony. 

-Satin-flower (Lunaria) , — Sincerity. 

Scabeous, Mourning Bride, — Widowhood. 

Sensitive Plant, — Timidity. 

Service Tree, — Prudence. 

Snapdragon, — Presumption. 

Snowball, — Thoughts of Heaven. 

Snowdrop, — Consolation. 

Sorrel, — Wit ill-timed. 

Southernwood, — Jesting. 

Spearmint, — Warm feelings. 

Speedwell, Nerevica, — Female ' fidelity. 

Spindle-tree, — Your image is engraven on my heart. 

Star of Bethlehem, — Reconciliation. 

Startwort, American, — Welcome to a stranger. 

St. John's Wort (Hypericum), — Superstition. 

Stock, Ten-week, — Promptitude. 

Stramonium, Common, — Disguise. 

Strawberry, — Perfect excellence. 

Strawberry-tree (Arbutis), — Esteemed love. 

Sumac, — Splendor. 

Sunflower, Dwarf, — Your devout admirer. 

Sunflower. Fall, — Pride. 

Sweet Sultan, — Felicity. 

Sweet William, — Artifice. 

S3 r camore, — Curiosity. 

Syringia, — Memory. 

Tansy, — I declare against you. 

Tensel, — Misanthropy. 

Thistle, — Austerity. 

Thorn Apple, — Deceitful charms. 

Thorn, Black —Difficulty. 

Thorns, — Severity. 

'Thrift, — Sympathy. 



412 THE LANGUAGE OF FLOWERS. 

Throatwood (Pulmonaria), — Neglected beauty. 

Thyme, — Activity. 

Tiger Flower, — May pride befriend thee. 

Touche me not, Balsam, — Impatience. 

Truffle, — Surprise. 

Trumpet Flower, — Separation. 

Tuberose, — Dangerous pleasures. 

Tulip, — Declaration of love. 

Tulip Tree, — Rural Happiness. 

Tulip, Variegated, — Beautiful eyes. 

Tulip, Yellow, — Hopeless love. 

Turnip, — Charity. 

Valerian, — Accommodating disposition. 

Venus's Flytrap, — Caught at last. 

Venus 's Looking-glass, — Flattery. 

Verbena, — Sensibility. 

Vine, — Intoxication. 

Violet, Blue, — Love. 

Violet, White, — Modesty. 

Violet, Yellow, — Modest worth. 

Virgin's Bower, — Filial love. 

Wall Flower— Fidelity. 

Walnut, — Stratagem. 

Weeping Willow, — Forsaken. ' 

Wheat, — Prosperity. 

Woodbine, — Fraternal love. 

Wood Sorrel, — Joy. 

Wormwood, — Absence. 

Yarrow, — Cure for Heartache. 

Yew, — Sorrow. 

Zennae, — Absent friends. 




CHAPTER XXXVI. 

i,OME of the precious stones and gems have 
been given a distinct significance by im- 
parting a special meaning or name to them. 
The ancients besides considered certain months 
sacred to the different stones, and some people have 
considered this in making birthday or wedding pres- 
ents. Below will be found the stones regarded as 
sacred to the various months, with the meaning given 
to each. 

January, — Garnet, — Constancy and fidelity. 

February, — Amethyst, — Sincerity. 

March, — Bloodstone, — Courage. 

April, — Sapphire, — Repentance. 

May, — Emerald, — Success in love. 

June, — Agate, — Health and long life. 

July, — Ruby, — Forgetfulness of, and exemption from 
vexations caused by friendship and love. 

August, — Sardonyx. — Conjugal fidelity. 

September, — Chrysolite, — Freedom from evil pas- 
sions and sadness of mind. 

October, — Opal, — Hope and faith. 

November, — Topaz, — Fidelity and friendship, 

December, — Turquoise, — Prosperity. 

27 (413) 



414 PRECIOUS STONES. 

Of the precious stones not included in the above 
list, the language is given below : 

Diamond, — Innocence. 

Pearl, — Purity. 

Cornelian, — Contented mind. 

Moonstone, — Protects from danger. 

Heliotrope, — Causing the owner to walk invisible. 




FEB 



141949 





x> 






V V ,. < * o , ^ 





^<^ 







, ^ 






cS ^ 






iS ^ 






K-,<& ** %»?,*, # ^ "'* 













V ?■ «C ^ * Xk 




.^^"V 

















<H O 



<* 



V * Y * ° / 



"W 



,\' 






V'^a^ ^vr?^<r %'ZyZ*^ 









V ^ ^ 
<&<* 







^m 



H 

Hi 

H Ha 

■ W 



■ 



IB 



i 



